A/N: Sorry this took so long guys!
Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1*
There was a shadow of irony in the peace that came in the silence shared between them. Perhaps it stemmed from the cocoon of safety and protection Garcia's very presence offered him in what can only be described as his moments of absolute despair. As a man who quite literally spent his life staring death in the face, tears were saved for the worst of his heartaches, and even then he couldn't help but feel a shame in having to let them fall. He'd known Penelope for what felt like a lifetime and somehow this familiarity made it even more important that she not see him so weak.
"Derek…" she murmured, her touch so soft he had to concentrate every available thought to keeping his gaze steady and dry. "Don't fight it, my love." Barely registering her words, his head shook in opposition. He had to fight it. His son was barely an hour old. He didn't need to know what a disaster his old man was. Garcia had to bite back a sigh. The defiance in his features was all too familiar. With each appearance these defenses made, she hated Carl Buford a little bit more. With the frequency she'd witnessed them, she wondered how it was even possible to continue digging up so much dislike for a single human being. For Penelope Garcia, "hate" and others like it were as effective as curse words. This disgrace of a man was the first of very few exceptions she made in expressing such an emotion. "You're safe," she whispered, the promise offered to him one of few things she would move heaven and Earth to make sure he understood. Two simple words, powerful enough to dismantle every defense he naturally boxed around him.
Morgan was never completely sure what she did to twist them in a way that his heart and mind finally came together to comprehend. It would likely be one of those mysteries he'd never truly make sense of. In mere seconds his emotions broke into the steady flow of a shallow dam, his vision slowly beginning to blur. In only moments his knees would hit the sterile floors, the self-assured agent more lost and confused than he had been in over thirty years. The catch of his breath resulted in a near choking sound that only served to reveal how broken he truly was.
"Let's sit down…" The suggestion lacked it usual angelic tone but he was in no condition to think very much of the stark difference. Not until he was slowly lowered to the rocking chair did he begin to make sense of the change in familiarity. Though he'd heard the speaker over a million times in his career, what usually fell out of his mouth were numbers and equations too complex for anyone to care about.
"I need you to go," he ordered, the words nowhere near as determined as he wanted them to be. It was one thing for Penelope to see him like this but her privilege (if you could even call it that) was inescapable. The woman had a way of backing him into an emotional corner where his only exit was to let her see him fall apart. He never dared to tell her how much better he felt as a result of those moments but it seemed to be a quiet agreement that they never really discuss it. But Spencer was on the far and opposite end of such a spectrum. It was an unspoken law of nature that this kind of thing just didn't happen.
"No." To say he was surprised at the fire behind such a small word would be an understatement. It took him only seconds to realize that Spencer didn't seem capable of the word in general, let alone the tone he used to stand his ground. Raising his head just enough, the agent's eyes narrowed. Spencer said nothing and instead took a hand much larger than his own between his, hoping to steady the shaking. Natural instinct ripped his hand free of the younger man's grip.
"Don't touch me," he bit, his voice low. The doctor blinked but shuffled away slowly. Derek couldn't keep from breathing a small sigh of relief, quickly wringing out his hand in hopes of washing away the invading touch. Reid was very well aware of the older man's secrets, filed under an unspoken rule that the monster of his nightmares was never really discussed. Even as he intended to respect those boundaries, he wasn't ready respect all of his wishes quite yet. Not when Morgan had paid the same contradictory courtesy only months before.
"Derek, I want you to listen to me very carefully." The agent's eyes nearly fell out of his head then, rolling hard enough to make the room spin. The lead in was one they'd all used far too much with hardened criminals to get inside their heads. "I understand that this is a very hard time for—"
"Shut up," he muttered. He didn't know the first thing about how hard this was. So far as he knew, his friend hadn't lost someone he loved in exactly this way. So far, Derek's personal count was up to two. Two more than he ever wanted to see in a lifetime. He knew what the kid was trying to do but he just needed a damn minute to pull himself together.
"Hank needs his father." As if he didn't already know that. "And that can't happen until you find a way to steady those hands." Morgan looked up curiously, expecting very different words to come out of his little brother's mouth. Until he mentioned the state of his limbs, Derek failed to realize how unsteady they were. "Now….I'm going to take your hands again…And we're going to do it together, okay?" Biting his lip, he frantically met Penelope's eye, unconsciously seeking the reassurance only she seemed able to give him.
"We're right here when you're ready," she mumbled, the newborn fast asleep in the safety of his godmother's arms. Slowly, he unfurled his hardened fists, refusing to meet his friend's gaze. When their fingers barely brushed, Derek felt his entire body stiffen, an inborn resignation to touch slowly creeping in. Only the sound of his son's steady breathing grounded him to their stark reality, the edges of his sanctuary tickling the corners of his vision.
"Derek, it's Spencer." Though he knew the words were only offered once, they seemed to echo through his subconscious. Despite never actually shaping the words, it remained an unspoken understanding as to why those promises had to exist at all. "I want to take a nice deep breath…" The agent blindly complied, every bone in his body rattled with the gust of wind that travelled through him. "Good. Again." Derek repeated the exercise, unable to do anything about the tears that found their way to the edges of his eyes. "Good. That's good. I'm going to let go and Garcia's going to slowly walk over and lay him down." When finally he did, he had to fight the automatic urge to wring out his hands.
It took him a minute to recognize the slight weight being put in his arms, every bit of emotion barely held back when he finally noticed it. His grip on Hank grew from a protective nature he'd never felt before. Hands that trembled seconds before were now more sure of the person they held than ever. This tiny person, his tiny person; born out of a love he would never get to know was a real, living thing. It was in that moment Derek Morgan swore that no man would ever ruin this for either of them. Despite being completely drawn to each and every one of his son's tiny features, he became all too aware of Reid's fading presence. If he wasn't so focused, he would make a point to ask at least one of them back, if only to keep from being completely consumed under the weight of all of this new responsibility. A responsibility he shouldered all on his own now.
No matter how many words sat ready and waiting behind his teeth, no amount of mental coaxing brought them out. He wanted so badly to say something, anything to reassure his son, especially when he let a quiet cry, finally noticing that he was no longer in the presence of a mother's touch. Instead all he could do was muster the strength to brush his fingers lightly across the baby's face hoping to quiet him. The careful sway of the wooden chair worked with his touch to coax him back to sleep.
"Hey there, little man." They came out as barely a whisper and still managed to echo so loudly against his ears. "Not sure if you figured it out yet but I'm your dad…" Whether the tears that followed those words were the result of Savannah's absence or the idea that he would ever be somebody's father, he had no idea. He concluded that it was likely a bit of both. Even though he made sure to mark the occasion with a picture, Hank would never remember her ever holding him. And even though it wasn't logical, he found himself mourning the loss of that too. "I've worked with a lot of kids but uh…I'm still not too sure about this dad thing. Not sure how good I'll be at it…"
"He's going to be amazing," Penelope whispered. And even though he wasn't quite sure he believed that, he was thankful to her for saying so.
"See, you're named after some pretty awesome dudes. One of them's a bit of a nerd but…" Upon hearing those words, the world around Spencer Reid began to fade while he tried to wrap his head around what he'd just heard. As much as he wanted to ask for some kind of confirmation, they weren't going to come out as smoothly as he wanted them to. Because even after years of working together, he still couldn't understand how Derek Morgan and himself had ever become friends. In the real world, he was almost certain he wouldn't even be approached by the "popular kid". Morgan never thought of himself in that way but labels were somehow always there and regrettably unavoidable. And still, knowing this about himself, Derek had become the older brother Spencer's mother would never be able to give him.
Even now he couldn't quite pinpoint when the shift had taken place. Or what it was about the older agent that painted him as such in Reid's eyes. Maybe it was his muscle and strength that led him to believe that. Or maybe it was in the way he managed to unravel his deepest worries and somehow make them less terrifying than they originally were. Whatever the reason for their relationship, he never thought that the baby would carry his name. The thought brought a rare sense of warmth to his heart, usually reserved for only his mother; as science didn't leave a lot of room for emotional attachment. One more Yale application to set aside in eighteen or so years. "Unfortunately, I was just a kid when your grandpa died. I didn't…Well…I never got the chance to ask him how to do this. I've never been somebody's dad before…So I don't know how this is gonna play out yet."
"Well…statistically speaking, a really protective brother will often become a very protective father…." Despite himself, Derek managed the smallest of smiles, Reid's familiar rhetoric enough to remind him what world he was still in. A world in which he was now saddled with the duty of caring for a life completely dependent on him. Whether he was ready to swallow it or not, he was a widowed father, who in some ways would be doing this almost entirely on his own.
"And this kind of talk is exactly why I'm not helping you with your math homework…" Behind them, Garcia chuckled, the given responsibility making the young genius smile.
"He won't be the one teaching you chess either."
"Glad you already know that. I don't have the patience for it."
"See, it's really all math."
"And that's why…" Knowing that they all felt the weight and thickness of tragedy surrounding them, Garcia watched the three of them with a sense of sadness she often tried her hardest to ignore. The loss of her own parents was not the same kind of senseless but at the very least she was given the opportunity to feel their love. It pained her more than anything to know that the sweet little boy would never know his mother's voice, let alone know the safety of being in her arms.
A soft knock turned two pairs of eyes toward the swinging door and the solemn expression on a nurse's face. Thankfully the third was too enamoured by his son to even acknowledge her presence. Garcia's heart fell even further then, no amount of genius needed to understand why she was there. Slowly stepping forward, the blonde fiddled with the hem of her top clearing her throat in preparation for news they all knew was coming.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but we need someone to identify the—" The woman had to bite back tears, praying that the woman wouldn't finish that sentence. She naturally took a step forward, fully intent on doing whatever it was she could to protect Derek from any further heartbreak. Seeing Savannah's lifeless body would surely haunt her for days following this one but alternatively it would stay with Derek forever. Penelope looked up when a light shove eased her back.
"Stay with him. I've got this," Reid whispered. Nodding slowly, she returned to her post at the open incubator, knowing that in only a few minutes, Hank would have to go back in effectively taking away her friend's only effective distraction from the pain. When the door finally closed behind them, she turned back to the quiet pair, taking a deep breath.
"Why don't we go get something to eat?" she offered cautiously. He seemed to barely notice she'd spoken, every ounce of his energy poured into the baby in his arms. He hadn't slept in hours either, though of the two concerns, food was the easiest to take care of. There wasn't much of a difference between them but getting him to try and eat was something she could do. Sleep was his decision and she knew that he would be doing everything humanly possible to avoid that.
"I'm good." The response was frighteningly hollow, the sound of it putting a new pain in her chest.
"Baby, you need to eat something…"
"I'm not hungry," he repeated. Penelope frowned. An empty stomach that was filled to the brim with grief leaving no room for nourishment. It wouldn't taste like anything either but if he at least tried to keep something down, she could breathe easier. How could he think about food at a time like this? Savannah was gone. The woman he dared to give his heart to had been taken from him, practically ripped from his arms. To even think about anything else was selfish and physically impossible. So was moving. If he dared to entertain it, his legs wouldn't even get him out the door.
Garcia fell to her knees, the position she was now in reminding her of the hundreds of times roles were reversed between them. Rubbing his arms quietly, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. Derek offered virtually no response to the gesture, the grip on his son intensifying. Daring to loosen it just slightly, she sighed, wisps of blonde hair fanning across her face.
"I know he needs you, angelfish but more than that he needs you to take care of yourself. It's not going to taste very good but I need you to do it anyway. I need you to try. For that sweet little boy I need you to try." There it was again. The tone she seemed to pull out whenever she demanded to cut through the silence. The fact that she dangled his son in front of him was an incentive she never had to use before but if it got him out of this chair, she would keep it tucked away for extreme circumstances like this one.
"I can't leave him," he whispered. Even as his voice never faltered, the emotion behind his conviction was a perfect cut across her heart.
"You've got a couple of choices, love. You and I can do it together or the nurses will come in here and tell you to." He didn't intend for such a reaction but he felt his eyes widen at the idea that a stranger's hands would be going anywhere near his baby.
"No. They can't touch him." Penelope sighed, the fire in his eyes one that broke her heart into even smaller pieces.
"They won't hurt him, Derek," she mumbled quietly. She didn't know that. Neither of them knew that for sure. What he did know was that no pair of unfamiliar hands were going to come near his son.
"You and me," he muttered. If anyone was going to put their hands anywhere near his baby, it would be the hands of people he knew. People he could turn his back to and trust that nothing would happen to him.
"You and me what, sugar?"
"Move him. I don't want them to." Rolling her lip, she reluctantly nodded. Garcia wasn't quite sure how that would pan out but if it would get him up, he at least had to believe it would work that way. The differences were subtle but something about his tone told her that this was more than a little bit of separation anxiety. Whether it was the grief or the exercise he'd done with Reid, something made him more defensive than ever.
"Okay."
"We have to tell them." From what she could tell, Derek was still very much himself but at the same time, she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him act this way. Still, she nodded, wondering what the doctors would think when they heard such a request. Bringing him down into the cot seemed to be done in slow motion, as if he was delaying the absence of his weight for as long as he could. When Derek finally managed to release him, an arm instinctively came around his friend's waist; an action he hoped would keep his hands busy while they were gone.
"You're going to be a good daddy," she mumbled. He absently nodded, the words barely an echo. Good god he hoped so. More than that he hoped Hank wouldn't think less of him for having to leave him there alone. Logically he knew they would only be gone a few minutes but every second seemed to stretch out in front of him already and they were barely halfway down the hall.
"You're the good mama," he muttered. He wasn't even aware of those words until a pair of curious eyes darted toward him.
"Derek…" she whispered. Moments later realization left him feeling sick. The words usually saved for flirtatious games had suddenly lost all their humour. A clear indication that she wasn't even in the room. Looking over at him with softer eyes, Penelope could tell it wasn't necessarily her he was speaking to either. The words came without any real emotion, save for the cloudy expression he'd quickly adopted. "Sweetheart…." The reply was barely a whisper, a single word laced with more emotion than she was even allowed to have flow through her right then. His pain is my pain she thought; an unspoken understanding as best friends that they would always share the burden together. It was true that she hadn't lost Savannah in the same way but the gaping hole in her best friend's chest was just as much hers to bear.
Hoping to find familiar solace in her gaze, Morgan became all too aware of the effect of his words. His single safe space was fighting her every nerve to keep the tears from spilling over, a thumb naturally pressing against her cheek in an attempt to spare her the hurt.
"I'm sorry," he choked.
"No need to be sorry, baby boy," she smiled, though her light was dimmed significantly.
"She should be here…"
"I know…"
"She never got to hold him…" Penelope kept quiet about the fact that she had but the notion was just the same. It wasn't long enough. "I…That's my fault…"
"Oh no, Derek of course it's not…" Though she understood completely where he saw differently she wasn't going to let him carry that for the rest of all of their lives. He met her with vacant eyes, the emptiness in them almost challenging her to say otherwise. "Derek, what happened to her was an accident…"
"They went after her because of me," he said, his voice flat. "Because of my job, my son grows up without a mother." History was repeating itself in the cruelest of ways. This version of the story was so much uglier.
"Your job did not take her from you, honey. When they delivered the baby there was just too much blood. It happens. It doesn't happen often but it happens. "
"Penelope..."
"No. There is a big difference and I need you to recognize it. You did not take Savannah's life. You have to understand that." It was a truth she herself had taken years to understand in respect to her own parents. The big difference was, given the proper means, she could go back and change the actions that lead to their end. As much as it broke her heart, Morgan could not. Having learned him as well as she had over the years, the guilt was going to eat him alive for years and as much as she wanted to do something about it, she couldn't be the one to stop it.
"He'll never know…"
"Of course he will. Because you're going to tell him stories about how wonderful she was. And when he's ready, he'll know the sacrifice she made for him."
"She shouldn't have had to do anything."
"We don't get to decide when He takes us. That's the part that doesn't make sense to anyone for a long time. But I have to believe that everything—"
"There is no reason, baby girl. Not for this." Even though she refused to see it that way, she nodded, hoping her sense of agreement might calm him enough. In all of their conversation, Derek hadn't even realized they had sat down to eat. He couldn't for the life of him recall the taste of it, nor did he particularly want to. He must have been picking at his tray in an attempt to keep his own ands from shaking too hard. Next to him, Garcia looked satisfied enough. "I…I need to hold him…"
Garcia had to hide just how unsure of that she was. A premature baby needed at least a few hours to fully develop under the warming lamps. To Derek though, that didn't seem to matter. She had to admit that just being around him made the father just a little bit calmer. Maybe if they had him moved to a room…She made a mental note to run that by one of the nursing staff when they returned to the nursery.
Swinging back through the door, the agent barely noticed Reid standing there nervously, seeming to wait for…something. Where had he gone anyway? One minute he was reassuring Hank that his dad wasn't a complete dumbass and the next he had disappeared. If he had all his faculties in place, Derek could just read it off of him but as it was, he could barely find his own feet right then.
"You should get some rest," he pointed out. The shaking of his head came without thinking, his fingers itching to get back to his baby. "Morgan, you can barely keep your eyes open…"
"My eyes are fine, kid. I gotta get back to him."
"Angel, maybe a few minutes might not be such a bad idea…" Garcia agreed cautiously.
"Both of you need to back the hell off," he snapped. Even though he could see him trying to hide it, Derek saw Reid flinch, naturally shuffling back and out of his way. The blonde remained silent, rubbing his arm slowly. "Garcia, I said back off." Slowly she retracted her touch, though her eyes remained soft. Both followed him back inside, the new father's shoulders going stiff when he noted a nurse blocking his line of sight. "You and me," he muttered. Reid blinked, confused with the mysterious exchange.
"Go sit. I'll talk to her."
"I don't want them to." Reluctantly allowing Reid to help him back to the rocking chair, he strained his hearing to make sure their conversation went accordingly.
"Excuse me…I uh…I was wondering if you might be able to…do us a favour. I'll admit it's a bit of an odd thing to ask…" The nurse glanced between Penelope and the baby slowly, panning between them in an attempt to make connections.
"Are you Mom?" Even though it was faded, Morgan could hear the smile in the woman's voice, the light in it making his chest hurt.
"Uh, I was wondering if maybe…You see, Dad's got a bit of a situation. He's…a little nervous about other people…" The young woman looked on confused. She was paid to do exactly this. Even as she understood the nervousness that came with being a new parent, there was nothing to be nervous about when it came to hospital staff. All they did was take care of new babies. The woman had been working here for ten years and by now new how to change a diaper with her eyes closed. "There's…no question you're wonderful at your job. It's just…He's very particular." Why Derek was so particular she didn't have to know.
"Are you suggesting that I can't do my job?" she asked. If she was offended, Garcia noted that she hid it very well.
"Oh no, no I'm not saying that at all. It's just…You see his wife just…"
"Yes, I'm very deeply sorry for your loss," she said solemnly.
"Th-Thank you. Gi-Given the circumstances…He's asked that…" The older woman knit her brows together, more confused by the delayed conversation than ever.
"I don't want you touching my kid." Penelope rolled her lip nervously, reprimand for his choice of words on the edge of her tongue. "You killed my wife. You're not taking my kid too."
"Derek." The agent ignored the warning in the blonde's expression, firm on his choice of words. "You took out the bullet but you couldn't perform a basic C-Section. What kind of doctors are you?"
"Morgan, stand down," Reid muttered. The new father glared, his mouth a firm line. "Sheryl hasn't done anything. She didn't operate. She's here to help you with Hank."
"I don't need her help," he muttered. "You and me and the kid. Nobody else touches my baby." Sheryl scowled, hugging the chart to her chest.
"Sir, I understand that you're grieving but I need you to let me do my job."
"And I need to do mine," he shot back. "I'm his father and I need you to leave." The nurse under scrutiny scoffed, backing away slowly with a hardened expression directed at Derek. Penelope on her part stood in disbelief. In all her years, she'd never seen him confront anyone in such a way.
"I hope you know that I'll be taking this to my supervisor."
"Good. I'd like to have a little talk with him." Upon the quiet exit of the disgruntled woman, Garcia and Reid both met him with new waves of surprise.
"What the hell was that?" she muttered.
"I already told you. I don't want them touching him."
"Derek, you can't do that…"
"She's not an unsub you can intimidate into submission," Reid pointed out. "She hasn't even done anything. Someone's still going to have to come in and monitor him."
"They can do that without touching him," he muttered. Garcia kept any further question to herself, already sure she knew the answer. Not that she wouldn't be happy to take care of him, that wasn't thee concern. If someone was willing to show them, she would learn. Derek's hostility was her point of deep worry for her.
"Honey, that's not what he's saying…I understand you're grieving. We all are. But that nurse hasn't done anything wrong. You can't tear her apart for something she hasn't done."
"I don't want them touching my baby. What part of that is hard to understand?" All of it. Derek was not a hostile person. If anything he was a man with a heart that nearly tore a hole in his chest simply because it was too big to fit. Then again, she had never seen him mourn real loss before. Sighing quietly, she shook her head. "I'll see what I can find out…"
"Thanks." Her heels offered a quiet click on her way back over to him, her warm hands cradling his face to keep his attention. Pressing a kiss to his forehead she let it linger.
"He's not going anywhere, angelfish. I promise you that," her own words bringing about the sudden realization. "They're not going to take him from you. I won't let them." Though the exchange made complete grammatical sense, Reid still couldn't quite make sense of the hidden context. Or maybe it was more along the lines that he could and simply didn't want to think about what it meant for his friend. This seemed to be a secret between himself and Garcia and he knew better than to get in the middle of it.
Derek watched his son in the tiny box, his gaze unwavering. No matter how much he often believed those words, not even Garcia could promise him that. Life had taught him that things could change in a matter of seconds. Savannah was the clearest of reminders to the very idea. The world spun on with or without her. As much as he understood the way of the universe, how was it that his had suddenly grown so much dimmer? How was he supposed to go on with his heart ripped to shreds? At fifteen he'd had his heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly, his dignity obliterated. But this…This was a pain he had no words for. Losing his father should have been able to give him some measure of understanding but it really didn't. Because at the end of the day, the loving bond he had with his father was completely different to the one he shared with his wife. And now he was expected to walk the Earth without either of them by his side.
"What the hell am I going to do?" he whispered.
A/N: A bit of a slow start, I know but it should pick up in the next chapter!
