Disclaimer: I do not own the Doctor or his unique and quirky personality. But I do have his heart, as he had mine. And we shall live in eternal bliss.

cough Yeah, I still don't own Doctor Who.. but if you don't know that already well... here, have a virtual hug - sorry to have mislead you, lol

AN - SECOND LAST CHAPTER! i think.. now, who would have thought the doctor wouls have a diary!? well, me, because i think he's just that bit random and unexpected. its a bit jumbled, but then, so are the doctor's thoughts so i thought it fitted. also, i have trouble rearranging and proofing at 1.10 in the morning. sorry! Hope you like this chapter :) enjoy!


Chapter 15 - The Doctor Diary:

Dear Diary,

You know, humans began this whole trend of writing in diaries like they're living, breathing entities. Clearly you will not respond to any questions posed by me, rhetorical or otherwise, or react to any big announcements I happen to make, which makes me wonder why I should address you like a person at all. Maybe I shouldn't get hung up on the details. I'm only writing because I can't seem to talk to anyone at the moment. By anyone, I mean a certain Rose Tyler in particular. I mean, I could talk if I wanted to, I just can't really think of anything to say. I know! I'm just as shocked as you are. Me with nothing to say? Has the world gone mad? (Having previously established that you will not be answering me, I do not require a response).

Actually, now that I think about it, if you were a diary from the planet Scrinarbulus in the Elusia Galaxy, you would be able to talk to me because their diaries are made from living animals. In fact, their diaries are living animals. They kinda look like chalk-boards with legs. But I'm pretty sure you're not a chalk-board with legs. Ergo, I should try to get to the point.

Rose and I arrived back in the Tardis and have been floating in the Time Vortex for about two Earth days now, after the 'Gallifrey' incident. I have taken to calling it 'G-day' in my head because the memory of it fills me with dread and remorse every time I think about it. (Although the name G-day, when written, really just sounds like slang for hello Down Under it actually makes me shudder when I think about it). I don't know what possessed me to show her Gallifrey - and through my memories no less! I could have shown her photographs or movies or something, but no - I had to literally take her inside my memories and make her uncomfortable. What was I on!?

Wow, it seems two days of sitting and saying nothing has really caused this random case of verbal (written) diarrhoea. Apologies! I just can't bring myself to face Rose. And the Tardis seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. Not that she has shoulders. Maybe I'm imagining it. I can't seem to sense what Rose is feeling either. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong because generally speaking I'm correct ninety-nine point nine five percent of the time, but I think that in allowing Rose to walk among my thoughts with me, I've somehow damaged our psychic link and in the process the Tardis got disconnected or something too. I mean, I could still fly her if I wanted to - the Tardis I mean, not Rose - but at the moment I just can't get motivated. And I'm more than a little distressed that I can't communicate with either of them telepathically at the moment.

Maybe I should start with what happened. Okay? After we kind of 'left' my memory, we both sort of fell on top of one another right here on the Tardis console. At this point I was feeling… bereft, as though I had lost everything. I knew in my head that I have Rose and the Tardis and whatnot, but the wounds left by the time war were ripped open anew and I felt so sad. Rose seemed to be able to sense this. I looked down into her eyes, because I was on top of her at this point, and all I could see was concern and sadness. So I kissed her. I didn't want her to feel sad, or guilty, or inadequate so I kissed her. And then we… well, I don't kiss and tell… but it was un-bloody-believable! I need not say anymore. It was that good!

But afterwards - the next morning, I mean - Rose still looked worried and vaguely upset. I feel bad because maybe she didn't want to see Gallifrey. She said she did, but maybe those were just words? I don't know. I feel as though I've violated her mind-space or something - even though we were in my memories. Anyway, I spent the rest of the day not talking because I was worried of what we might talk about if we did talk. Like my family. I don't want to talk about them much at the moment. Like I said, it hurts too much. But I did keep an eye on Rose for the rest of the day. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I chanced glances at her every now and then. I don't think she noticed it, to be frank. I was the height of subtle.

Anyway, the second day I avoided her all together. I thought that maybe she would need some alone time to reconsider her marriage to a complete and utter emotional wreck such as myself.

I love her, I really do. I know I didn't say it enough before. Back before Doomsday and Torchwood and the War. Back before we got separated. I knew I loved her then and I didn't, I couldn't, tell her because I was afraid. Then when we were reunited, I didn't miss an opportunity. It's like what they say - we don't know what we've got until it's gone. That was true of Rose and it is true of Gallifrey.

There I was gallivanting off around the Universe when I could have been at home with my people and my family. I came back for the war. I came back because of my sense of duty, not because I had wanted to. But only now that it's gone, can I truly appreciate just how unique it was. It was beautiful and ancient. It was then and forever. It was home.

I just went to check on Rose. I snuck around to her room - her old bedroom, the one she slept in before we got married. I peeked through the door to see her hunched over on her bed with her fluffy pink diary, scribbling away like nobody's business. Even when we aren't doing stuff together like running for our lives or learning about Raxaxcoricofallapatorian culture, we still tend to do the same stuff. It's more than a little frightening.

She must have a lot on her mind. I haven't seen her use that journal since Mickey got stranded on Pete's World, before we knew he could come back. Rose had been so upset then. She spent hours in her room with that journal. So this does not bode well.

Maybe I should just ask her what's wrong.

But what if she turns the question back on you?

I can handle it

No you can't. You don't want to let on how much you miss them to her, do you?

No, of course not! I don't want to burden Rose anymore than I already have.

Oh, so this is a guilt thing?

No!

Yes it is, I can see right through you - I'm that voice in your head, remember? Why are you writing down what I say?

Self preservation.

Oh, makes sense.

So should I ask her what's wrong or not?

It depends on whether you're ready for the answer or not, doesn't it

Rose and I have no secrets.

So what are you waiting for? Go talk to her!

How is it that you always outsmart me?

How is this outsmarting you? I'm merely helping you to see and admit what you already know. You wanted to talk to someone about Gallifrey, and that someone was your wife. She asked you about it because she knew you needed to talk. You feel guilty because you think she only asked out of a sense of responsibility. But in actual fact, she was curious and wanted you to not be alone any longer. And therefore, you should go talk to her, for you have much to talk about and a few emotional hurdles to work through - ie why you always push people away.

Stunned silence

Hello? Are you still there?

Of course I'm still here. I'm me! You're the annoying little voice in my head so if anyone should have left it should have been you!

Sure, sure, whatever you say.

Okay, so that's done and dusted. Now I should go speak to Rose. I will explain why I've been so distant (even though it's obvious - I think she just needs me to say it myself). I will then proceed to ask her if she wants to know anything about my past. To finish off, I will reassure her that I am fine and that I love her. This should clear the air significantly, I hope.

Now I can see why humans have diaries. Clever little apes!

The Doctor xx


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thank you guys all so much so far for the lovely reviews. im so excited to reach 76 so thank you all sooooo much! one chapter to go - i hope it doesn't disappoint (i have been putting it off, so sorry about that too!) cyber hugs