Chapter 10: So Many Questions
Although the basketball game had started out as a simple, forced waste of time, Riku finds himself increasingly troubled as the game progresses.
See, Riku is a competitive, stubborn person; a quality he has never acknowledged of himself. The silverette likes to view himself as one who is always calm, always quiet, always following, always in the background. But as a teenager still forming his own identity (a line his mom often told him straight from a parenting novel. She has 'selective reading', akin to his selective hearing), he has been somewhat purposely and blissfully unaware that he is not always calm, not always quiet, rarely following, and hardly ever in the background.
Anyway- the point is- though Riku hates himself for it- about halfway through the third quarter his restless spirit feels an itch, an incessant poking that he must win the game. He glares at the opposing team and Sora himself, though hopefully not as harshly. Axel, the brunet's redheaded friend, mutually incites his temperament to match, and soon they create an aggressive, tactical army of two. They include Roxas almost flawlessly soon afterward, the competitive bug infecting them all like a bad cough.
Riku hadn't felt this way since the last time him and Sora were bored enough to play checkers. The brunet proved to be not only efficient but skilled at the child's game. Little time passed before the silverette began losing miserably. Sora offered to provide friendly counsel, but the irritated teen didn't want to accept. It was an irrational response that he had difficulty extinguishing. However, Sora took it in stride—at least, that time. When he won, the brunet retreated to his computer for a while to allow Riku time to neutralize himself. A humiliating necessity. Now though, the blue-eyed wonder can't possibly a soothing mediator; the game has already become personal for him, though not intimate between the two of them.
When the game ended, scoring 7 in total versus Sora's 5, the adrenaline high declined. Though Sora was congratulatory and the others didn't seem to care one way or another, Riku felt a rock had settled in his chest. It had nothing to do with the people, or his own teammates, or his opponents, and this is what bothered him.
He had been thinking for a long time that now is the time to acknowledge and change. Ever since the idea settled into the back of his mind, it festered and grew until he believed. And when he believed, he began to change. It was subtle. At the beginning of camp, only a month ago yet a lifetime to him, the only emotion registered in his heart was irritation. It was the embodiment of frustration that nothing had changed in his life whether time passed or people came or went. Riku realized that he himself must change when the camp really set in motion because the red hot boiling in his chest never left, even though his whole life was miles away; everyone he had ever known and anything that he would usually endure was gone. Despite this, he still managed to create a hurricane of problems for himself, and another person—Sora.
In fact, when he met Sora, the whole process seemed to accelerate. He spent many nights gazing at the endless night sky, seeing only stars- and that's all they were. Just stars. When he was a child, he had wished on stars believing in their mystical powers from the fairy tales of old. Over time, that hope and faith simply dwindled as he waited and nothing changed. He gazed at the stars, and became tired of seeing nothing. Of course, having been told the truth of the God's glitter, the silverette did not believe in that sort of fairy magic now... But still he was tired of seeing nothing in something he cherished so much so long ago.
And at that moment, when he wanted nothing more than to cherish them as if to grasp some wisp of himself that he must have lost, he realized that they can and do mean 'something'. Anything tangible and intangible can possess meaning, depending on the eyes of the beholder. He controls this power within himself, to cherish something or to toss it aside. With this in mind, he realized that the stars, though they shine and twinkle and hang above him, they are not superior to him. He is the same as them; twinkling through existence with all the others, desperately fighting to shine through the darkness. All those stars…. They still shine one by one. Riku, in all his flaws and in all his bitter memories and false hopes and dreams, can shine too.
It was a strange feeling, this round-about, newfound acceptance to his own existence. This is what led him to finally face Sora, the scapegoat to all his hatred of humanity for no reason at all but his own naivety. He realized his mistake, managed to swallow his pride by a miracle, and apologized. After that though, there wasn't anything new he could think of to change to make himself better. All he could think about was being his best for people like Sora, whatever that Riku may be- however irrational the task seemed. He felt in debt to the brunet personally, after all. But now, after this stupid game, he realized something new. It was a simple trait, a small component of his personality that could be used for advantage… or for harm.
He saw the competitiveness now. It was blindingly apparent through the two weeks he spent with Sora, yet he didn't- couldn't- bring himself to explain his actions whenever they were opponents instead of partners. He was stubborn. The silverette feels a pang of regret and a stunning sense of misdirection. All the options for the future, new insights to the things he has done, and feelings surrounding them, makes him sick to his stomach. Literally.
Sora seems to be concerned for the silverette later in the day. He becomes a chronic inquisitor, asking any question that might be worthy of a response from the ever pensive Riku. Most of the time, he merely shrugs out of thoughtless instinct, and then cringes at the disappointment in those sky blue eyes.
What Sora didn't learn about Riku over the two-week paradise period is that whenever some intricate personal confliction comes to life, the silverette closes in on himself like a turtle in his shell. The habit is really a subconscious defense mechanism, for though Riku is aware of the habit and tries to ground himself in the tangible world progressing around him, the teen always ends up lost in thought no matter where he is, who he is with, or what he is doing until the inward skirmish is resolved.
The emotional stress or damage inflicted on others by Riku's neglect was unintentional and completely "nothing personal". The fact of the matter was that the silverette had stumbled across a characteristic of himself that he isn't quite sure how to handle, and until he comes up with a solution his social activity will be practically null and void. Unfortunately for Sora, Riku could not explain this to him; he was too lost in thought.
Later that night, the crickets chirp louder than necessary all around, as if desiring to override the terrible noise of all the children in their campfire groups. The sun was just about set, as if it trying to crawl and stumble into bed ill. The stars above laugh.
Sora, disconsolate and distressed, watches Riku through most the night. Though the fire is meant to warm the soul as much as the body and the marsh-mellows meant to induce all the little sillinesses, well… With Riku completely taciturn, the brunet can't bring himself into spirit. Sora sits quietly in between the silverette and the ever-so-chipper Ventus. The blonde is in deep conversation with Axel and Roxas, who have taken to playing with the dancing flames instead of putting the poor marsh-mellows out of their misery. The scene is strangely cute, but the situation only causes Sora to develop a bitter taste in his mouth as he watches with yearning and horrified rapture.
Axel smiles wide as he threatens Roxas with a flaming, fluffy white blob, flinging stray melted globs occasionally. The sour blonde pretends to be repulsed, but the happy, glittering blue in his eyes betrays him. Sora wonders how Axel, obviously one who has gone through much, can be so simplistically happy. Obviously the teen is angry at humanity, yet in his eyes there is a love of life, even a peace with it, that the brunet can simply not understand. But then, he isn't understanding a lot lately.
But Sora tiredly drops the subject within his own mind. As if the Eeyore beside him were taking up too much 'thinking space', the usually peppy brunet is unable to come up with any reasonable thought. The dizzy dreariness reminds him of his inebriated adventures with Riku, except drained of all the happiness that accompanied it.
The redhead laughs loudly, drawing most of the attention from the group.
"Axel, you're going to make people think we're actually having fun if you keep being so loud," Roxas chides teasingly.
"But isn't that the point, Roxy?" The disagreeable blonde has acquired a rather feminine and sassy nickname, but the fact that Axel designated the label somehow makes it okay. "Think about it. They want to believe we are all miserable little fucks. This way, they'll question their own peace of mind." He winks.
This time, both Ventus and Roxas roll their eyes, in sync with one another enough to creep anyone out.
Ventus says, "That's mean, what did they do to you?"
Roxas says, "Don't get all cocky, you obviously pulled that excuse out of your ass."
Of course, Sora's attention strays to Ventus, and Axel's to Roxas. The brunet and Axel give each other a glance and he asks, "Sora, do you think they have the telepathic ability that twins are supposed to have?"
He beams at the affronted expression on their faces. Simultaneously, they say, "Definitely not." Immediately afterward, Ventus laughs while Roxas scowls. Even Xion, who sat down on the other side of Riku (sharing his silence) awhile back, laughs at the irony.
"Do you like pissing me off?" the notorious blonde comments when the laughter quiets. The statement sent to Axel from Roxas was most likely meant to be threatening, but it came across half-hearted and the red-head put his arm around the blonde.
"Oh Roxy, you know I do."
The next day, Sora, Ventus, and Xion arrive at the breakfast table to discover only two present. Before the brunet even questions, Axel says, "He mumbled something along the lines of 'fucking sick' and told me to 'fuck off' so I decided to let him alone." The redhead shrugs.
Sora's eyebrows knit together. Sick? It's rather convenient to be sick right now, isn't it? Last night he zips his lips, before that acting borderline angry with him during the basketball game, and now he is avoiding everyone altogether. Is this Sora's fault? What is wrong with the silveret, and why hasn't he told Sora about it? Time has propelled them forward only what, two days, and already the brunet feels as though every connection they had was cut like a string. Though Sora is of the male persuasion, he is caught between either crying or hitting something.
He tries to tell himself that he is simply over-reacting; surely Riku is just feeling under the weather- and who knows, maybe that is why he was quiet last night?- and he'll return later or tomorrow and things will get better.
But the strength of the emotions brought on by such a simple occurrence perturbs Sora. Why does he feel so forlorn without Riku near him? Why is he so worried about what he's thinking, what he's feeling? The brunet realizes that although he obviously acquainted himself with one side of the silveret, he is presently meeting the other. He remembers his previous melancholy prediction that they had reached the height of their metaphorical relationship-parabola before camp restarted. He had pessimistically believed that they were doomed to plummet back to where they were before. But Sora doesn't want to hate the silveret; he's gotten a taste of his best, so surely Sora can manage his worst?
Sighing, the brunet takes his normal spot at the cafeteria table, engrossing himself in the black and navy blue specks against the gray plastic. T.K., expressing the extent of English he knows, asks, "So-ra O.K.?"
His head nods but if they could see his eyes they'd know he was lying. "Yeah, I'm fine. Tired. Arigato, T.K." Sora just happens to know 'thank you' in Japanese.
Nevertheless, Axel nudges him with his elbow, "You could go see him, you know. You can take my cabin key and sneak out of whatever game we get dragged into."
The blue eyes gaze gratefully at his considerate friend. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Well, shit, you know him best," Axel replies with some hesitance, shrugging nonchalantly.
Ventus cheerfully inputs, "Too bad you don't have a twin. Then no one would notice you left!"
The comment is slightly off topic, but Sora braves a smile. "That would be convenient sometimes."
Axel grins a mischievous grin, "I don't think it works that way for you, huh, Roxy?"
Roxas scowls, "I'm just going to pretend that you didn't just attempt to corner me into either mocking or insulting myself and him."
The tear-drop face feigns innocence, "What? I didn't do anything."
"Like hell you didn't!"
"Aww, Roxy, don't get flustered, I'm just playing."
"Do you play with your food too?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" The redhead pouts. Surprisingly, Roxas gives in, shoving him lightly on the shoulder. "Nothing, you doofus." Axel beams and shows off his white teeth.
Sora tries to be happy for them, but the feeling just doesn't surface.
As expected, Coach again instructs the non-social, inclusive group to engage in some sport. This time, he sends them to the pool. The boulder of a man glances at Sora and adds, "It's not deep." Axel rolls his eyes as discreetly as he can, but the beady eyes still squint at him suspiciously.
Sora uses his mounting fear of the water as courage to drag himself to Riku. He isn't sure what will come of the trip, but anything is better than facing the dreaded H2O. After the group equips and dresses themselves in their swimming gear, Sora stays behind by the cabins. With a knowing nod, the redhead leads the others to the pool. The brunet does not idly wait for them to disappear. Turning, he reaches Axel and Riku's cabin, feeling somewhat guilty to disturb him only seconds after Axel slammed the door shut. Nonetheless, using Axel's key, he turns the knob haphazardly and steps in with no caution, recalling Riku's impenetrable sleeping habits. If he isn't asleep, he figures, well then at least the silveret has received fair warning.
But when he steps in, Sora is compelled to quiet any movements he may make. He notices immediately that the seemingly slumbering blob is turned away from him. The brunet releases a breath he was holding, or was he holding it? And why? A step forward.
Just for security, "Riku?"
No noise, not even the slightest shuffle. Sora's head tilts to the side, a sad expression on his face. If only he could slide into those covers. If only that would provide some sense of comfort.
Instead he hovers over the teen, watching the way the upper portion rises and falls. The window fully illuminates Riku's back from the bright sun but shadows his face, causing Sora to let himself collapse cross-legged to the floor in disappointment. Something compels him to stay.
If Sora closed his eyes, he'd drift back to the times he would lounge about the graveyards in town back at home. He'd ignore the names on the tombstones and the dates. He'd ignore the people around him too. He was so young and still bold, he'd block everything else out and pretend that whoever's grave he picked was his parent's. Thinking back, the whole affair was sad and saccharine in a way most wouldn't understand. But he'd talk to mommy and daddy, maybe even big sis. He'd cry those big crocodile tears and say over and over "I miss you, I miss you, oh mommy I miss you".
He got older and he'd always ask her, "Why'd you send me away, Mommy? I just want to be with you and Daddy and sissy."
Then, he finally reached a point where he'd coherently speak to them. "I miss you guys. I'm sorry I couldn't find help. I'm not sure who I'm mad at anymore; you for sending me away, or myself for not finding you, or fate for stealing you away. I love my new family, I mean, please don't think I'm ungrateful but you guys…. Well even if my memory has sweetened over time, our memories will always be my dead dream." And the grass would indent his ankles as he sat so completely still in front of the dead. The tears that fell would fill his palms.
But to watch Riku, he didn't close his eyes so he didn't feel the grass and the tears didn't come. Instead he stared at the silveret's form, remembering in his mind's eye all his best looks and expressions.
"I just don't get it," Sora began, "It's only been two days and already you're completely different. You said we wouldn't change. But I mean it all feels wrong now. Did you change your mind, Riku? Did I do something? Axel and Roxas have their own world like we have. But they're able stay in their own orbit even when we fall into it. Why can't we do that? There were a few minutes I thought our "bubble" would come back, but you… I don't mean to sound so accusing… but you've shut down, Riku. Let me in, Riku, please, you know me more…"
And he stops right at the height of the crescendo. Even though the silveret could only turn his words into loony dreams, he couldn't bring himself to admit out loud that already the silveret knew more about Sora than anyone else, ever.
He remains in thought for a moment, and continues, "I don't get it. I always care about my friends. I love everyone because that's apart of who I am, but you're different. I don't know how or why… It's like Roxas; you should watch him sometime. Axel messes with him all the time, yet he always gives into it and doesn't get angry like he usually would. I feel that way with you, that if anyone else messed with me the way you have, I'd kick their ass but since it's you a laugh escapes from of my mouth and I just don't get it."
Sora blushes; he's said that 'he doesn't get it' several times now and it embarrasses him.
"I hate to say it, but I really hope you are sick and not just angry or upset. If you are, I want to help. I don't know how, I've never seen this side of you before, but I really want to help. If you are sick… well, please get better soon. I know you can't hear me or anything but I dunno maybe you'll wake up and remember this last part…. The others and I will be at the pool. Obviously I'm not going in but if you feel better come and join us." Sora stands slowly, watching for any extra movement, but there is none. Disappointment and relief hold hands in this insecure field.
"I'll see you later," he backs away, smiling despite himself. He closes the cabin door behind him with a soft click, apprehension creeping into his mind; though he knows the silveret won't wake, some part of him wants to somehow restore the silence to ease the continuing process. He leans against the door for a minute, allowing relief to overwhelm his small, firm body. Actions may speak louder than words, but sometimes there are things that only can be released and explained through them. Smiling wider, he walks away.
From within the room, the slumbering silverette turns over to face the window, and the irresolute turquoise orbs stare at the trees blocking all other view from it as if they had some sort of answer to all the questions he still has.
A/N: I am so, so so soooo incredibly sorry that this has taken so long. Honestly, I was totally stuck in the story, but I have this chapter and I think the next all planned out (it was supposed to be one chapter but this is plenty long). Tell me what you think?
Thank all of you for sticking with the story, it means the world to me and I am determined to finish it. If you guys have any tips or suggestions, feel free to input!
Until next time (hopefully sooner rather then later),
Hannahble
