Chapter 12: Little Talks
Sora finds it ironic that in order to have an immature tantrum, he must first responsibly excuse himself and walk away quietly until out of range; then, and only then, does he allows himself to knock things around, smashing things and grunting like a toddler.
He stomps around in the forested area surrounding the posterior of the camp. The thick layer of natural debris allows a satisfying crunching sound with every step, adding to the shuffle and snag of his clothes through the branches and assorted bushes. The sun has started to set, exasperating the shadows of the forest to touch him but there is no sound aside from his own.
The brunet is certain he is leaving an obviously cleared path. He wouldn't be too terribly surprised if Coach eventually followed and stopped him, but on another thought, it is questionable that someone of his size would fit through Sora's narrow trail anyhow. All that matters is his ability to return through his destructive path, really. Part of him wishes someone would find the trail (guided perhaps by Xion) and come to talk to him. In some pathetic corner of his heart, all the anger has already vanished, leaving only a sense of "poor-me" that desperately wants someone else to agree with it. The rest of him, still raging, yells at the little part of his heart that weeps, telling it that no one will come because that's just stupid and none of them would understand anyway.
But what about Riku?
Sora snarls toward the thought and a nearby tree branch. Neither of the victims even shiver, but the rest of Sora does. Riku's the one who got him into this whole self-exploration mess, isn't it? He was in a perfectly comfortable life-pattern until that silver-haired, invasive, extra-ordinarily seductive teenager came flouncing in, causing the poor brunet to question everything that resides within himself. The ambivalence toward the silveret is so polarized that the brunet is completely unsure what he wants from him. He'd like to punch him in the face. He'd like to yell at him. He'd like to blame him for all his current problems. But he'd also like to return to the sunny mornings that Riku's arm was so delicately placed around him. He'd like to return to the night that they gave their secrets away under the influence. He wants to return to the time that Riku was all to himself, or at very least the miscellaneous things they did was 'their thing' and not a free for all. So, does Sora want Riku to follow his tantrum-trail and comfort him? Yes. Will it solve anything? Probably not.
He wanders around the forest for some time, venting his anger to the hiding critters and crawlers around, yelling at himself and the idea of simplicity. Screaming at his past and his resulting phobias. Perhaps if he wasn't so screwed up, none of this would have been an issue. He argues with himself over why Xion has to be wrong; it can't be simple for him, right? There are too many factors that affect him for anything to be simple, but would that be deemed the deceit of baggage? Sora had thought that his past could not be forgotten, that the trauma had created him. By this notion he merely tucked the experience away, quietly accepting his role as the damaged. Sora comforted himself by the fact that the most hurt are often the least deserving. It gave him purpose to be the beacon of light for others, but he wonders now if he can keep holding the lantern yet also leave the darkness behind. Is that what Xion has done?
That's when he hears the laughter.
All the movement in Sora's lithe body stops, every ounce of his martial art training kicking in like a feral animal's instinct. He waits, and hears the noise again; a whispered trail of a roaring laugh, familiar in sound and feeling. If Sora were a dog, his ears would be raised at full attention. He hears the soft murmur of conversation in the distance; he could probably find the source. All trace of the erratic anger is gone, replaced by curiosity and residue frustration. After all, he can't throw a fit under the possibility of being watched or found by an anonymous person or persons.
He waits until he hears another voice and walks towards it, so intent on his goal he barely breathes. There is a certain serenity in his stealth, no longer stifled by drastic hunger like his last attempt sneaking through the cafeteria. It's been awhile he's been able to use this skill and it brings him confidence. He approaches cautiously. Turns out the people were only twenty yards away. Turns out the people aren't very anonymous either.
Axel and Riku reside across from each other, Riku leaning on a tree and Axel practically lying across a tree stump. Of course, Riku looks rather comfortable but Sora can't imagine any way that Axel could be as well. Normally it'd be an amusing scene, but quickly the brunet's focus is changed. A melting pot of emotions boil and bubble in Sora; jealousy, rage, confusion, and disappointment tug at his insides trying to gain some upper-hand. Why is Riku hanging out with Axel? …Not that he doesn't have the right to other friends… but the silveret was supposedly sick today. Wasn't Axel the one who claimed him to be sick? Why would either of them lie? One thing is for certain though; the little pathetic part of his heart that desired the silveret's presence died off immediately. Riku can't follow his trail when he's following Axel's.
Riku can barely contain his laughter. Surprisingly, Axel has proved himself to be an idiot. Ten yards into the forest ("To drink in the upmost piracy- I mean, privacy" he said), the flamboyant redhead had tripped several times, been whipped by revengeful branches several more times, and cursed about the previous amounts added together. This time he tripped so hard that a tree stump broke his fall. Axel, being bitchy as always, whined but did not move.
"I'll never stand again!"
"Axel…" Riku laughs, leaning against a tree for support.
"Oh, sure, laugh; this is exactly how I wanted to go… dead from a stump."
"You're… a dumbass," Riku manages between snickers. Something tells him this would be just as funny even if he were sober.
Axel lifts a dramatic arm and lays it over his eyes, "Tell Roxy… I said that I loved him, but I couldn't fight the pain of death away…"
The silverette rolls his eyes, "Okay, see that line?"
"No-"
"Well you crossed it," Riku retorts. "Smartass," he adds in a low mutter. Finally, Axel sits up in a defeated fashion, swaying slightly from the alcohol doused in his veins.
"Why the hell did we come out here again?"
Riku, having regained composure, looks coolly up to the night sky. "Well," the silveret begins with sarcasm heavily laced in his tone, "I needed somewhere to sober you up."
The redhead isn't fazed. "No, no, no, I think I was supposed to give you advice."
"Axel, you're so drunk you might as well be rubbish."
"Ha! More British-talk!" Riku rolls his eyes again, ignoring the fact that Axel had noticed his accent. It must show through when the silveret is inebriated as well when he is frightened. "Hey, if you keep doing that, your eyes will get stuck in the back of your head."
"I think you're mixing up the funny-faces myth," Riku corrects.
"If I am, then poor Roxy doesn't stand a chance," Axel snickers back.
"What the hell are you on about now?"
"He makes more funny faces than a clown, so… if the face-myth-y thing is true, his face is going to get stuck in the weirdest way ever."
Riku is beginning to feel more exasperated by the minute; how useless can a person be? He wants to roll his eyes again, but resists. He didn't come out in the middle of a forest to hear about Axel's obvious and disgusting love for Roxas who can barely stand the tall, insane redhead. So instead of indulging in his antics, he crosses his arms and replies in an annoyed tone, "Oooookay then."
"Aw, come on, sourpuss. Don't be a downer."
"That's my job, Axel. You'll be the clown, and I'll be the cool guy," Riku replies, glancing up at the stars again.
"Pfft, you are very confused, my friend. Girls love the cool guy, and we already know that is not what you're after." This earns him a glare. "You need to get your head out of the clouds and go after what you actually want."
"I'm not exactly used to chasing things. It's usually the other way around." The silveret's honesty is mostly to humor Axel, but even through Riku's struggling stubbornness, he can admit that it's nice to vocalize the mantras that have plagued his mind.
"I know that, -Guy. That's why you are and him are distancing. He is not supposed to chase you."
Humph. Tell him something he doesn't know. "Yeah, well, last time I 'chased' somebody, it didn't end well."
"And who was this person?"
Riku hesitates, but decides that this is the road he chose hours ago and that there's no point in going back on it now. "…Mikey."
"I didn't ask for a name, I asked who he was," Axel chides, "Get your head in the game."
Riku rolls his eyes again, but continues, "He was my best friend awhile back. He… uh… I didn't like him that way, but I met him right after escaping from a bad crowd." Axel offers an encouraging face, so he continues. "He was the most pure-hearted person I had ever met so I made it my purpose to get to know him. I wanted to understand how he preserved his whole-ness, I guess. But in the end, instead of him showing me the light- so to speak- I showed him the dark. And it broke his heart." His confession brings a slight flush to his cheeks, partially from his round-about, almost incoherent description and partially from the confession itself.
"And did you mend it?" Axel's eyes rest so intently on the silveret, completely unphased by his poetically vague descriptions, that Riku could have sworn his attention was on something just past him, or perhaps his understanding. It causes the silveret to blush more.
"I didn't realize it was broken in the first place," Riku admitted, "I was very bitter and self-absorbed."
"So what happened?"
"He…" And all at once the color drains from his face. Riku really doesn't want to say it. He hadn't said it to anyone; having no mutual friends between him and Mikey, there was no one to inform. It was a small funeral. The silveret can feel his turquoise eyes watering in betrayal, but he manages to puke the words from his choked vocal chords. "He… commit suicide."
Even Axel's eyes widened at that; Sora, watching behind some trees and brush, gasped. Sora had been absorbed into the conversation ever since Axel questions their purpose to being in the forest, an inquiry the brunet had wanted an answer to. Unfortunately, the answer to that particular question served as a blade to Sora's heart. But out of morbid curiosity, he had continued eavesdropping.
The brunet decided that he had heard enough, however, and turned from the scene as soon as he heard the sad ending to Riku's tale. Quietly, he shuffled away until he couldn't hear Axel or Riku's conversational murmurs, feeling the weight of Riku's words heavily on his shoulders. A single additional word would undoubtedly cause him to fall, for the puzzle had pieced itself together for him through Riku's words. In retrospect, his little tantrum had obviously been twisted to fate's design for the sole purpose of leading him to this conversation, yet another cruel Miracle to added to the rapidly increasing list. Only a fool would misread the signs.
All other distressing topics aside, Sora left with one important notion on his mind: he realized that Riku hadn't cut their connection intentionally. Perhaps he didn't even desire the friendship to decline, but his capacity for such a dynamic friendship had already been worn out. Sora must have come into his life at the wrong time. After all, the silveret's heart obviously has yet to let go of Mikey, the boy who saved him and (in his mind) died because of him. Despite terrible feeling invoked by Sora admitting the hardly bearable truth, the brunet understands the feeling well and can accept the proof.
On top of that, Sora must remind Riku of his passed friend in some way; he isn't sure where this conclusion came from, but it is one he believes. Sora is sensitive, temperamental, immature, and at the very least, unstable. From Riku's description, the brunet can easily imagine Mikey being any number of these things, catalysts to the fateful night he decided to take his life. Thus, it is logical that Riku would be afraid of attaching himself to Sora; who would want to endanger themselves of being hurt like that again?
The brunet finds himself asking the same question, only the other way around. If Sora continues obsessing over the silveret, continues chasing after that relationship they had, what will come out of it? More likely than not, the answer is nothing. Even though Sora knows he'd never dare kill himself, he cannot convince Riku of otherwise or force a relationship, just as a horse can be led to water but cannot be forced to drink. He knew the moment that the honeymoon ended they had passed their peak and would deteriorate. Their parabola had reached a low again, and although you can stretch, raise, and lower a graph, you can't fight a function's natural path.
Sora, in all his life, has learned one lesson and learned it well: if you love it, let it go. He learned to accept that his family would not come back; even though the effects of their passing still affect him every day, it is no longer about the people but rather the event because he has let them go. He's let many of his friends go, knowing their paths were not aligned and that ultimately, they would not miss him. He has let time go as well, knowing that it will take him where it pleases without even an ounce of consultation. He's let them all go, so he must be able to let this go, too.
So he did.
"W-why?" Axel asked, shock clearly written on his face.
Riku sighed, and sniffed roughly. "He just couldn't continue living in a world full of suffering people. Mikey left me a note, basically instructing me to never go back to the bad crowd... And that was it."
"Wow," Axel said, voicing his sympathy, "That's some deep shit."
"Yeah…" A few moments passed, full of silence and forest sounds. Axel was quiet in sound and body, obviously in contemplation while Riku gathered himself together so that no tears would fall.
After a moment, Axel asks, "What exactly did the note say?" His voice had a note of purpose to it that surprises Riku and incites his curiosity enough to reply.
"All it said was: "Please don't degenerate"," Riku explains, "I used to call people 'degenerates', which somewhat explains itself."
Axel nods, eyebrows knit together in concentration. "I think," Axel starts, slowly, "He might've meant more than what you seem to see. Now, you can stop me at any time, I know I didn't know the guy," he pauses, but Riku's turquoise eyes simply burn into Axel, daring him to continue, "but…. The 'degenerates' are more than a bundle of bad choices. Misery is a catalyst to poor choices because it is one of the main things that make people desperate enough to act poorly in the first place. See, from what I've learned, people who suffer go one or two ways: they either shove the problem off to the side and indulge in whatever substance suits their fancy to make the pain and emptiness go away; or, they stand up to it and deal with the pain. Through this they become better, happier, and more capable people."
"O…kay…" Riku inputs, trying to follow him.
"So, you have done half of what he asked; you haven't gone back to whatever poor-morale lifestyle you led before. However, you aren't standing up to the problems left behind and allowing yourself to immerse in misery. It is a slow and obviously painful form of degeneration that causes you to make stupid choices that with a level head, you wouldn't dream of making in the first place. Like letting go of Sora."
"I don't exactly have control over my emotions," Riku says bitingly.
"But you're not fighting to be happy either," Axel retorts, and the silveret shuts his mouth, clenching his jaw. "Take Sora for instance. It's obvious that you are happiest around him. However, you are so afraid of being hurt again that you won't chase him. Hell, you won't even maintain the relationship you have with him now. If you don't take any chances, Riku, nothing will change and you'll be continuously miserable."
The silveret couldn't think of a logical or feasible argument to what the redhead had said.
With one last comment, Axel adds, "If it makes you feel better, Sora has the same problem."
This statement actually does help the silveret; after all, there is strength in numbers. They also share the same belief system. Being a man waiting for Miracles, Riku suddenly understands that to have a chance, one must take a chance- which might explain his and Sora's success during the two weeks they stayed together. It is true, however, that he let himself slip into a horrendous cycle long before all that; get close, detach, retreat to man cave, repeat. Although comfortable, the method is largely ineffective to propelling oneself further in life, proven by the disaster he has caused between him and the brunet without even a word spoken to him about it. He must conclude that it was his own stubbornness that kept him in this cycle, and his stubbornness that results in a very hard acceptance of Axel's words. That damned stubbornness has come back to bite him in the ass- again.
Riku sighs, "Well thanks, you bastard, you've totally kicked me out of the comfort zone and onto the edge of the world."
"Oh don't be so dramatic. But, hey, I prefer that to the cool-guy," Axel winks.
"Don't do that again."
"I do what I want," the redhead replies defiantly, "But anyway, now that I've said my piece, what are you going to do?"
Riku gazes up at the night sky again, hands in his pockets in heavy contemplation. "I could just use your seduction plan and kiss him on his big pink lips," he says simply, smirking and glancing back at his companion.
Axel, shocked out of his wits, stares for a good ten seconds- and then bursts into raucous laughter. Riku chuckles along, but the redhead is so tickled pink that the man sheds a tear.
"Haaa… oh man, I like this Riku, keep him around…" Riku rolls his eyes for the umpteenth time. The pyromaniac rises up from his tantrum, and lets out a heavy breath. "Whew… Well…. That joke burned out all the serious in me. I think I'm going to trip myself out of this forest and into bed."
Riku nods, realizing how long he must have kept the erratic man out of the comfort of the cabin (and away from Roxas, the horror). "Okay, but which bed?"
Axel winks, and Riku merely sighs. "Are you coming with me?" Axel asks, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.
"Pfft," Riku glares, "Hell no." His eyes loose the edge, "I'm actually going to wander around some more."
"Alright, man, suit yourself," Axel gazes around the forest as if reassessing his choice. But he eventually looks back up to Riku and waves, "Night-y, night!" Riku waves back to him and watches as the redhead saunters off.
Sora is emotionally exhausted. All the mad infestations have been worn out. All the sad feels have been drained out of the sink that is his heart. All the happys and compassions have packed their bags and left. Once he found his way out of the forest, all his emotions tumbled out of him as if afraid of him. He shed a few tears, watering the grass with salt water, but after that he felt nothing. There were no thoughts in this process. Later, he'd call it a spiritual whiplash but for now all he can think about is making steady progress to the boy's cabin's stairs. He stumbles back to them, intending to sleep all of the chaotic mess away. He can be strong and happy-go-lucky tomorrow.
Unfortunately, he meets Axel at the stairs rising up to the cabin rooms. He supposes that under normal circumstances, he'd be happy to see the cheerful redhead. At the moment, however, he only hopes that the redhead won't notice his presence even without all the bitter connotations from the conversation he overheard this very night. He tip-toes around him, back turned toward him, but the creaks in the wooden establishment give him away. Sora freezes after the noise, but he can hear Axel reshuffling.
"Hey, Sora, where've you been?" Axel whispers loudly with enthusiasm.
Sora sighs, turning to face him with the best fake smile he could procure. "Mm, just…. About."
Axel sniffs the air. "You smell suspicious," he says, "but I'll let it pass this time."
"Haha, okay, Axel." The brunet turns, attempting to get closer to his cabin door.
But the insisting redhead places a firm hand on his shoulder. "Oh, and Sora?"
"Yeah?" the blue-eyed teen complies tiredly.
"Please don't degenerate."
Axel doesn't give the brunet a chance to reply and disappears into his cabin with a soft click of his door. Just as well. Sora stares at the spot of where he was, feeling the peculiar words wash over him. The simple request would have meant nothing had he not heard the redhead and Riku's conversation. But he knows what it meant(1). Axel knew that Riku had given up already. Surely when the brunet left, their conversation eventually strayed to him and their relationship. Honestly, the brunet doesn't care to inquire as to what was said. All Sora can assume is that Axel was attempting to give him fair warning of his replacement or removal in the Riku-social-hierarchy. And then, the words were also a challenge. The redhead wanted Sora to take it all with a smile.
Good thing for them, Sora's talent for facades is probably his best and most established accomplishment. He has used it for most of his life and even at this very camp. He can do it again. For this occasion, the process is a three-step instruction: let Riku go, act like absolutely nothing had happened (and in reality, nothing had so it won't be difficult), and then give the bird to fate by trying something new that no one would expect. Xion wants simple from him. Fate seems to like watching him frown. The folks at home have watched him grow without actually living but never said a word. He won't go as far to say that they didn't care, but he realizes they won't step in now to save him. In fact, Sora doesn't believe anyone will.
Axel had saved him with his rainbow-hair prank. His parents had saved him by sending him away. Riku had saved him by dragging him out of the lake. He has also learned other things from the dynamic, wonderful silveret, but he can sort that tangle out another time when he is less bitter about the experience. But- anyway- this time, Sora knows that if he goes swimming against the waves of his pain and fears, he better be damn sure he can take the current. The sick thing is, he wants to stand up to it. Xion wanted simplicity from him. What is more simple than a one-man hero, fighting his demons alone? What is more simple than letting Riku go? No complications. Just him. And he'll do whatever it takes to get this done. Gotta go home in one piece.
Sora is too weary to feel afraid of the notion. His mind pushes it enough that his heart accepts it under the condition that the brunet would just please, go to sleep. His shaky hands finally open the door to his room and his wobbly feet take their steps in. The blue boy doesn't even bother changing. Two more steps and he collapses onto the tiny cot the camp calls 'beds', kicking off his shoes in haphazard haste. There, he falls into a dream and leaves the silveret behind for the first time since the first day of summer.
The silveret plops himself down onto the tree stump that Axel had so rudely stumbled unto. He deems it more believable that the stump pumped wisdom through Axel instead of the redhead actually coming up with all those fantastic psychological things to say on the fly. Hence, he placed himself upon it in case nature is feeling generous.
Riku, from his dead-tree-throne, gazes up at the night sky. He had been conversing with the stars all night, bestowing wishes that everything could just be simple (or simplified!), or that he'd at least understand the situation. He's come the end of his own internal navigation for his life, so the turquoise eyes sought the stars. The silveret figured it was a step in the right direction because he had the faith for the first time since his childhood to even ask the stars instead of scorning them with the science of their origin. And now, his silly notion seems to have paid off. Somehow, Axel's words made all the stray puzzle pieces fall back onto the court. The task left is putting them into place.
First, Riku realizes that has changed a lot; more than even his Houstonian friends would dare give him credit for. Three years ago he gave up the parties and fight-clubs, a decision that altered his future forever. Only six months later did he meet Mikey, who showed him how to have a "normal life"- or at least the closest he could probably ever obtain. Then, a year and a half later, Mikey was stolen from him; and yes, one can steal themselves away. Perhaps Riku deserved it, for he's stolen himself from so many others he couldn't count them all on his two hands. The year-and-a-half after that is a blur of mounting hatred for himself and his life knowing that it all could have been better if he had just done this or that or the other. But maybe, he was also searching for someone he could cling to yet again, but too afraid of hurting them (and in turn, himself) to accept anyone. And thus was created the vicious cycle that brought him to Sora, the cherub teen that did not completely dismantle the cycle, but stopped every other rotating gear of Riku in it's tracks.
And that is just it. The other relationships he tried were simply not to be born; whether they or he left first, the silveret moved on without batting an eyelash. However, Riku has never cared so much for someone so quickly as he does for Sora. No one else has come this close to driving the silveret bat-shit insane either. The proof is in the simple fact that Riku is considering chasing him (again) even after retreating to his man-cave; the brunet brokne the cycle! Sora is so dazzling, so light, so perfectly imperfect that Riku does not want him so that the silveret can copy his ways. The silveret doesn't want to be saved. No, for once, all the silveret wants to do is nurture that amazing character that is Sora, take care of that light and be the spark to allow it to grow. And that is certainly new.
Riku then finally made up his mind. He's giving up his jungle dance, the swing from vine to vine in the social wilderness hoping to find one strong enough to hold him. In exchange, he's going to put his stubborn nature to good use; he won't let go of Sora or himself any longer. He knew he'd never find someone so good again, and Riku is tired of telling himself that he is not "good" enough. Fuck it, he is; if Sora can care about him then the silveret should at least care about himself too.
The stars twinkle happily at him, congratulating him on his self-discoveries. He smiles back, elated to have a purpose again and the hope of success. It's been awhile. But the silveret knows he's got a deadline; the camp ends in only three weeks. He knows it is imperative to win him before then, otherwise the brunet will look on ahead and go back into his own routine. Even a cell phone number is not enough to establish a single goddamn difference.
He stands from his thoughtful stump, determined and actually excited to start another day. Hopefully it is only a few hours away, for the silveret doubts the sandman will even bother with him tonight. He chuckles as he navigates out of the forest, enjoying the night that he so adheres to, his heart humming to the song of the night crickets. Even the cabins look welcoming as he approaches, all movement still and the boys silent in slumber. What freedom he has come to appreciate, even here, miles away from the urban rainforest. He has transformed this camp to his own purposes, and now he's ready to pull it's puppet strings.
He pauses at Sora's cabin door before going into his own and rests his forehead on the wooden frame, enjoying the Hollywood feeling of love. Oh, the anticipation of a happy ending and the competition with cruel life to get there. All Riku can say is, game on.
A/N: (1) Sora didn't hear the Axel/Riku convo part about Mikey's note, btw. Sora assumed what it meant from the little part he heard.
Whew! Okay, long chapter to make up for my absence. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! I hope everyone got what they were hoping for :) I'm so honored to have made it this far, one more month and I will have been writing this story for half a year. Thank you for all those who have been reading and reviewing; every comment lights up my world and makes me anxious to sit down and write for you guys again!
Lots of love and holiday cheer,
Hannahble (kitty happy face) :DD
