Standard disclaimers apply.


Sometimes as Ernst comes into their clearing when the sun is setting and the fireflies dance, he can't help but think that Hanschen looks like a little blonde king holding court in a realm of fairies. He is distant, and unearthly beautiful, and altogether unconcerned about the affairs of humans.

Then he looks up, and the peaceful daydream turns into something slightly more sinister. His eyes glint as they roam over Ernst, and he leans forward, almost predatory. I'm like a pussycat, he had saida wolf is perhaps more accurate in moments like these. And, wolflike indeed, he descends on Ernst the instant he passes the line of trees, all teeth and tongue and hands roughly pulling the boy closer to him.

But as Ernst's fingers brush the buttons on his shirt, Hanschen freezes, and all but shoves him away. They stare at each other, lips red, chests rising visibly with the force of their breaths. Then Hanschen drops his gaze and steps back, looking in that moment more like a scared boy than the feral lord of their forest.

"Hanschen?"

"I must stop you there," Hanschen says, still not meeting his eyes. "We have something to discuss."

A dozen thoughts flash through Ernst's mind. Perhaps Hanschen has found out about the poor grade he'd received in Latin and means to lecture him about studying; though as he'd distracted Ernst from his books all evening, he hardly has the right. Perhaps he has to go away; his parents are known to go on journeys to visit family friends, and often bring Hanschen along. Or perhaps a worse tragedy has struck: has another of their classmates died?

"What is it?" he whispers, almost afraid to hear the answer but trusting Hanschen to tell him all the same. Because regardless, they can face it together. After all, Ernst loves Hanschen, and he's almost positive he's loved, at least in some small way, in return. This conviction had become rooted firmly in his mind over the hours he spent replaying his confession of the previous night, and as a result, he is utterly speechless at Hanschen's reply.

"This ends tonight, Ernst."

There is not a sound in the forest. No birds chirp, no leaves rustle, the grass and twigs underfoot don't make a sound as Ernst takes a stumbling step back. Or maybe he just can't hear them. He can hear his heart, though, pounding so loudly in his ears he's surprised Hanschen hasn't mentioned it.

"What?"

At first he's not sure he says it out loud, because it takes Hanschen several seconds to respond. And when he does, his expression almost breaks Ernst apart, because it's more concerned, and attentive, and loving than it ever was when they were on the same side.

"We had what we had, and I can't take that from you," he says earnestly. His hand stretches forward, stopping mere inches from Ernst's arm before falling back to his side. "But I can't give you more, either."

Thirty years from now, tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful.

This night only seems bleak and colorless. Ernst finds himself fighting for a breath.

"You said a discussion," he says when he finally manages to force the words past the lump in his throat. "That was not a discussion. That was a decision you reached without me." Hanschen fought for him once, and he'll be damned if he's not going to fight for him in return. For both their sakes.

"Then discuss," Hanschen says, eyes cold now. "What can you possibly say that will change the fact that we were never meant to be?"

"How can you say that?" Ernst gasps. "After what we've felt — what we've done—"

This is all wrong, not the way it was supposed to go at all. Ernst was supposed to become nervous and leave, if anyone did, because Hanschen, with his educated arguments and persuasive way of speaking, would have won him back in no time. Ernst's stammering is doing nothing but make Hanschen angry. He doesn't know how to convince him to stay.

"The world was always against us, Ernst," Hanschen tells him roughly. "We knew that from the beginning."

"But — I love you—"

"It all comes down to what we believe," Hanschen continues, louder now, and his words are so unreal that all Ernst can do is stare. "It is my family's belief that I will enter a marriage with a woman under God. Continuing this is only prolonging the inevitable."

Ernst blinks at him as though in a daze. "You're leaving me, for a woman? For God?"

"It's not that simple–"

"You don't even believe in God." Ernst has two opposite and yet equally strong urges: to break down in tears or to slap that haughty look right off Hanschen's face. "The only reason you go to church is for your parents, or else you'd join Melchi Gabor in his — his heathenish little rebellion—"

"You would have to marry as well, eventually." Hanschen is no longer yelling, but it's only because he knows he has already won. "It will only hurt more if we wait."

"I'm willing to risk the pain," Ernst says, desperate to make Hanschen understand that he needs him, if only a little while longer. But Hanschen is no longer open to his affection — in fact, he is actively avoiding it. As Ernst takes a step forward, Hanschen takes two steps back. If Ernst didn't know better, he might think the other was truly afraid of heartbreak. But he's almost certain Hanschen can't feel anything at all.

"I'm sorry, Ernst," Hanschen breathes. "Truly I am. But our little game can go on no longer."

"I wasn't playing."

Perhaps Ernst is imagining the brief instant of pain that flashes behind Hanschen's eyes. He's not sure which would be worse: if was real, or only in his imagination. "For your sake, I suggest you reevaluate."

Ernst doesn't reach for his hand, or press one last kiss to the corner of his mouth, or even call out his name. There is no part of him that can conceive of a reality where Hanschen simply walks away like this, without warning or a proper explanation. But when he disappears from view without turning, Ernst screams and screams and screams, aware that no one outside the trees of his clearing can hear him.

"What has your fucking God ever done for you?"


Thoughts? Feelings? Theories about why Hanschen left? Remember, reviews are love - I have the next chapter ready and I'll post it when I get a few :)

Much love,
KnightNight