You guys all know who I am going to thank first. Thats right TheBigCat My great Beta who fix's my mistakes and truly helps with the commas and periods, and spacing Honestly guys if it was not for her you would not be reading. lol

I want to thank all who reviewed the last couple of chapters but the support I got on chap 18 amazing amazing amazing you guys are amazing. Please keep it up it gives me a thrill to open my inbox and see reviews truly it makes my day. once again you guys are amazing.

I am going to give warning for this chapter mentions of hurting one self is in it so if that is a trigger for you please don't read I don't want to trigger anybody. It does not go into graphic detail but it had to be added to advance the story where it needs to go.

Next chapter is Epic you wont want to miss it. was one of my favorites to write. Ok enough of my ramblings Allons-y


The silence stretched out, hovering over both their heads. He saw Rose's eyes keep flicking to the door. She was itching to escape. But he had told his ship not to open it no matter how much Rose begged. His ship had agreed, but only because she knew they needed to talk. So he started off slowly. This was new ground for him. While he loved to talk, his gob was now failing him.

"Talk to me, Rose. Just talk about anything. Yell at me- smile, laugh, cry- but you have to let it go, Rose. You need to give in to these feelings. Stop running."

"I can't." She wouldn't meet his gaze.

"Why not?"

"If I stop-" she took a deep breath, and then another.

"If you stop, Rose? What would happen? Tell me."

"I'll die!" she screamed, then covered her mouth quickly. He reached up and pulled her hand away holding it firmly.

Her pupils were wide and her breath was hitched and words started to tumble from her mouth. If he were not a Time Lord they would have made no sense; they were coming so fast.

"I'll die, if I let myself feel for too long, I'll die. I tried once right after you dropped us on that beach, I was waiting for you for days! Kept thinking it was a joke, yeah. That you'd be back for me. I was an idiot! Then I passed out and then I was in a hotel and then home and you still weren't there. I let myself feel everything and then I wanted to feel nothing. I tried drinking myself to oblivion, that didn't work. Just made me pass out for a bit. So I took a bottle of pills from the cabinet and swallowed them. Your clone found me on the bathroom floor, barely breathing and got help... but I tried again with a knife. I failed. Mum found me that time."

He glanced at her wrists. There were no marks. She noticed him looking. "You won't find any."

She took another audible breath in. "Then, when nothing worked, I just stopped trying. I learned that if I did not feel anything- no laughter, no anger, no love, no pain- it was easier. I could live and could try to be the person you wanted me to be. But she's gone. That person was left on a beach with a copy and she's gone and she's never coming back. This is who I am, Doctor."

His name had slipped without her meaning it to.

"Dalek Caan was right, that day. One of your Children of Time would die, and it was me. You caused it all! Rose is gone... and as much as I would like her to come back- for me to come back, I don't think it's possible."

"Never say never, Rose," said the Doctor gently. "You've laughed the last couple of days. You've felt anger, and sadness, and even joy." He reached up to cup her face. "It hasn't killed you," he told her. "You can feel, Rose. You just have to trust yourself. You have to bend before you break." His hand stroked her cheek. "Let something loose."

He could see her eyes glinting with tears that she fought back valiantly. She was quickly losing the battle.

He continued to cup her face. "It's okay, Rose. You won't die if you cry. Think about it. You've already cried. I heard you this morning in your room. The world didn't end. Let it go, Rose, and don't feel the guilt."

His eyes seemed to pierce into her soul and with a sob of defeat; she was crying. Not angry tears from this morning or the sobs for all she had lost. Rose was crying because she needed to cry. For no other reason than because her soul needed to.

His hands stayed on her face, wiping the tears as they fell, and then suddenly he had a lap full of Rose as she clung desperately to his shirt, the sobs still wracking her body. The dam had broken, a wall had cracked and a part of it fell away.

He sat there, just holding her; rubbing her back as her distress poured out in torrents. His mind was set on comforting her but her words kept coming back to haunt him.

His other self had said it had been bad, but had not gone into any details. He had said she wanted it to end. But the Doctor never thought she had tried. Pills, knifes, alcohol... she had tried everything short of putting a gun to her head.

He was very thankful to the other him for finding her all those times and saving her life for him.

But his Rose, his beautiful Rose, had almost succeeded, and when she had failed, she chose not to feel anything. He knew that feeling well.

He had come close with the Racnoss, and then again in New York with Martha- and the Mars base, where he thought that Time itself should bend towards his will because he had lost it all, and most recently his almost-regeneration. He had almost stopped, just let it end.

He needed to show her he understood where she was coming from. She had stopped crying and he still held her on his lap cradling her. She pulled back and saw his shirt was soaked.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

He smiled gently at her. "I've had worse things on this shirt then Rose-tears. Do you feel better?"

"Mainly embarrassed," she muttered, turning red again. The Doctor tipped her face up.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about, Rose. But guess what? You cried and just admitted you were embarrassed. I call that progress Rose Tyler. And do you wanna die?"

Rose shook her head back and forth hesitantly. "No, I feel… I feel…" She stopped. "I don't know how I'm feeling. I'm tired. Can I go to bed now?"

He stood up with her in his arms and headed towards the door.

"Oi!" she complained. "I can walk, you know."

He nodded his head and placed her feet on the floor, helping steady her. He dropped a quick kiss to her hair before stepping back.

It was so quick that Rose almost thought she had imagined it. He tucked his hands in his pockets. "G'night, Rose."

"Good night." And before she left the room, he heard her whisper softly, "thank you, Doctor."

He could not help the grin that came over his face. "You're very welcome, Rose Tyler," he whispered back.

He settled himself back down on the beanbag and his mind went into hyperdrive. It had all happened so fast- the handholding, the dance, the tears, her in his lap. But her words kept coming back, as well. Especially the one phrase regarding her wrists. You won't find any.

But why, he wondered. Why wouldn't he find any?

He thought back to when she had hurt herself on his face. Her hand had not looked as bad as it should. Now, no scars were there. There should have been marks of some kind.

It was a riddle he could not solve. The TARDIS sent waves of comfort through to him as he pondered to solve the problem. He gave up about two hours later. Hopefully, once Rose fully trusted him again she would let him ask some questions and he would run tests. Then he would find out.

Rose, meanwhile, was in her room. The crying had been exhausting. But now she felt better then she had, since...well. She couldn't truthfully remember the last time she had felt this good.

He was right. She did not die just because she felt something. She wasn't feeling any guilt, and that was exhilarating. She felt light as a feather. Rose tried to hold onto that feeling as she got ready for bed.

She wrapped the jacket around her shoulders and sank into her mattress, the dance coming back into her thoughts. The fast, fun one she had shared with her daft Doctor and the slower one she had just shared with this one.

Her heart fluttered a bit as she remembered his hands on her back. But she pushed it down. The barriers may have cracked a bit tonight where her emotions had been buried for so long but she was determined to keep the wall surrounding her heart strong.

Even though she knew she still loved the man in the pinstripes, she would never show him. Never give him a hint.

Because if he guessed- if he kissed her- then everything she had worked to build would crumble and come to pieces. And if Rose was certain of one thing in this new life she had found herself in, it was this: she would not survive a fall like that again.

As she drifted off to sleep and dream, she hoped that the wall could stay in place. But in the deepest, darkest corners of her mind- she knew a chink had appeared.