i.
They skipped down the hall, hand-in-hand, one laughing, the other giggling. Almost before it was too late, Selphie stopped at her door, and Irvine came snapping back into her. They laughed some more, and then getting on her tiptoes and grabbing his collar to pull him down a little, she kissed him. It was just a little one, and Irvine tried to keep it going a little longer, but she easily escaped and slapped the back of her hand on the wall panel that controlled and opened the door. She backed up a few steps to stand in the doorway, smiling at Irvine.
Irvine took off his hat, pressed it against his chest, and bowed. "Until tomorrow," he said, grinning when he straightened up.
Selphie only smiled and gave a little wave. Then she backed up some more, and the door closed. With a sigh, she pressed her back against it, eyes alight. Everything was over now. And she'd just come back from one of the best parties of her life. All her friends were there, safe, happy—especially Rinoa and Squall. She cursed mentally again at the camera battery for dying right before it snagged the scene of them kissing. But, it also missed Irvine and Selphie's kisses, so maybe none of them were meant to be on record.
They got the rest though. A shot of everyone. Everyone happy.
Her eyes drifted up to the dark ceiling, and the more she thought about the smiling faces of the others, even remembering her own glee, the more this lump in her stomach grew. It was grey and wrinkled and it made her feel sad.
Selphie put her hands up in the air. "Everything's fine!" she called out enthusiastically to nothing.
The walls and carpet sucked up the noise so fast it felt suffocating.
But her hands fell back to her sides and she stared at her dorm room in confusion. "What's the matter with me?" She slapped her cheeks a little and did some stretches, but arrived back at the same place that was feeling more dreary with each passing moment.
With a sigh, she collapsed on her bed, limbs spread out over her comforter, eyes locked on the poster stuck to her ceiling: an artist's rendition of the guardian force Leviathan she'd bought from one of the students at Garden the first day she'd arrived. How long ago was that now? Less than a year, she was sure, but it felt so much longer than that. Rinoa still had Leviathan, didn't she? No one had unjunctioned their GFs yet, but they couldn't wait forever. They'd made an oath, hadn't they? They couldn't forget anymore.
Selphie rolled over to the shelving unit the wall beside her bed. Her GFs were there, maybe sleeping, or whatever they did when she wasn't using them. The four stones were different colors: red for Ifrit, black for Diablos, green for Cactuar, and grey for Cerberus. She'd always been partial to Ifrit; they got along so well, and they had the most compatibility than anyone else in the group, even Zell. She reached out and picked his stone up now, running a thumb over the surprisingly smooth surface.
"I don't want to forget anyone," she murmured, pulling the stone closer, holding it in two hands against her chest. "Ever again."
Her eyes closed. In the stillness, in the quiet of her room, there was nothing to block out the image of her face: Ultimecia's. Selphie winced and tried to push it away, but in its place came a thousand more images, many of them of Trabia, or her friends getting hurt, feeling the fear that she might die and never see any of them ever again . . .
Selphie gasped and opened her eyes. The GFs could make her forget all that, but she couldn't pick and choose memories. So how do I keep them, but lose you? The others had gone to Dr. Kadowaki after their medical exams; she thought a psych eval was important. But when Selphie went to hers, she just made Dr. Kadowaki promise to tell the others that Selphie had actually gone, and then she left.
Telling the others how she felt would only drag them down. It wasn't like when they lost the quad, or when the missiles hit Trabia. This was everything together. And if she told anyone, she might explode. She had decided a long time ago that one of her purposes in life was to keep her friends happy, to make sure they were doing okay.
I can't just stop . . . Selphie curled into a tight ball and shut her eyes again. I can deal with it. I just have to . . . Sweat broke out over her skin, cold and unforgiving, but she kept her eyes closed, let the images swirl in her brain, trying to fight them away because she was Selphie, and no one could defeat her. Ultimecia, Edea, Galbadia, the Ultima and Omega Weapons, and Seifer, they had tried, and all of them had failed. She wouldn't let anyone defeat her.
With another gasp, her body spasmed and her eyes flashed open. Why is it coming back now. I've been fine . . . the party . . . How do I stop it . . . Need to make it go away . . . Her fingers' grip tightened on the summoning stone.
Her spine curved abruptly so she was sitting. The stone grew warm in her hand, Ifrit probably thinking she wanted to summon him. "No, no," she whispered with a tiny smile. "No, I'm fine." She leaned over and set him back on the shelf with the others. "Can't rely on you anymore," she continued. "Not all the time." Maybe in emergencies . . . Instead of constant junctioning . . . I'll have to ask Quistis about that.
Quistis was still at the party, probably wasted by now. She'd been deep in conversation with someone about something boring, and the last time Selphie saw her, she'd been a little tipsy already. Seeing Quistis drunk sounded like too much fun. If the camera batteries hadn't died and Selphie knew offhand where some replacements were, she might have gone back to film a little.
It was something to do. Kept her mind busy even just thinking about it.
Selphie looked down at her hands, now empty. Even a little callused from overusing Strange Vision over the course of the war, and not even from all the battles. She'd trained a lot in her free time. I've always been restless. Now it was different, though. The GFs couldn't help her anymore, and her friends were all tired, so she couldn't burden them with her problems. That left SeeD work, or rebuilding Trabia, helping Ser Laguna in Esthar . . . She'd have to do it all herself, and she thirsted even for the idea of the challenges she would face.
And they would keep her mind busy. All of her busy, actually. And really, that's what everyone expected Selphie to do: constantly moving, constantly working. So they wouldn't worry about her if she was doing what they expected her to do, right?
The door buzzed.
Selphie shook her head vigorously, put on a smile, and hopped over to the door. The smile became genuine when she saw Rinoa standing there, hands behind her back—Squall was there too, behind Rinoa, probably holding one of the hands hidden from Selphie's view. They looked nice together. And Squall was glowing, actually smiling, something Selphie had only seen a handful of times, and always in a way he was trying to hide it. Well, he wasn't now.
"Hey!" Selphie greeted.
"Some of us are going to the 2F balcony to play some Triple Triad," Rinoa said gently. "You want to come?"
Rinoa was terrible at Triple Triad. Selphie had won most of Rinoa's cards away. In fact, she might not have had enough cards for a full deck now.
Guess that's what Squall's for. Selphie giggled a little to herself but shook her head. "Nah, I'm pooped! I promised Irvine I would go for a walk with him tomorrow morning, and if you know Irvine, you know he'll most likely spend most of the time chasing me or something. Trying to get smooches. Ha. Ha ha!"
Rinoa giggled a little, and behind her Squall made a face that would have been covered with a hand if Rinoa hadn't claimed both of his hands for her own.
"All right. Maybe we can do lunch tomorrow," Rinoa said.
Selphie mock saluted. "Sounds like a plan!"
Both Rinoa and Squall waved and began wandering off down the hall, Squall looking down at her like he'd literally never seen a more beautiful thing in his life. That was probably true, now that Selphie thought about it.
She watched them a couple seconds more, then closed the door. Her forehead came forward until it rested against the door.
Spending time with them all would work for about a week before Selphie went crazy. She would bear with them for that long, and then she would ask—beg, if she had to—Squall for an assignment. The war may only have ended a week or two ago, but Selphie had to keep moving. And even if she wouldn't always be with the people she had grown up with, the people she loved more than anything, she would still remember them, and they would all be happy.
Six Days Later
Only yesterday, Garden had returned to Balamb, albeit not where it used to sit. After dropping off those who wanted to visit the town, it flew a little ways out over the water, just out of seeing distance. The visit was quite temporary. A lot of students wanted some of the familiar, especially Zell. He'd been the first one to disembark.
Selphie, too, was planning on leaving Garden, but for entirely different purposes. At her request, Squall had taken time away from Rinoa to speak with her in the headmaster's office. Quistis was there too, also at Selphie's request. The two of them faced Selphie now, Squall somewhat warily, and Quistis with her arms folded, betraying no emotion at all.
"I'd like an assignment," Selphie said immediately.
Squall blinked in surprise, and Quistis looked at him intently. His eyebrows furrowed a moment and then he said, "We haven't received any requests for SeeD."
"Why not? The war just ended," Selphie said. "Shouldn't we help clean up the mess we made?"
"The mess we made?" Squall said in slight surprise. "I suppose we did somewhat."
"If there's no contracts, then send me somewhere as an offer of aid," Selphie said. She bounced on her heels. "Like Trabia. They need all the help they can get."
Quistis, still looking at Squall, said quietly, "That's actually the perfect assignment."
Squall glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and then focused on Selphie again. "Like you said, the war just ended. Dr. Kadowaki has suggested rest for all of us at Garden, especially those of us who fought Ultimecia. Don't you want some down time?"
"Not when there's things to do," Selphie said, her hands curling into fists at her sides. "We can still do a lot of good, and I want to be out there doing. You know how much Trabia means to me. You guys don't need me here right now."
Quistis smiled and looked at Selphie with gentle eyes. "A valid point."
Squall waved a hand in the air. "I know what happens to those who get in your way. If you have a mission, you'll do whatever it takes to accomplish it." He, too, gave her a tiny smile, and it was so jarring to Selphie to see a rare Squall smile directed at her. She almost let out a little squeak, but swallowed it down and nodded vigorously in agreement with him.
"If you're going, you shouldn't go alone," Quistis said.
For a moment, Selphie was afraid she might say Irvine's name. There was nothing wrong with Irvine; Selphie loved him. But his dreams were different than hers, and honestly, he would just get in the way. It was better for them to do their own separate things. That way there was less heartbreak. She could never be what he wanted her to be. Once he understood that, then he could find his dream for himself.
She wasn't looking forward to that goodbye.
"Take Nida," Quistis said. "He's been itching to do something other than drive Garden."
"Nida?" Selphie frowned a little.
"He's taught a few others how to drive Garden, so he's available," Quistis said.
Squall just nodded in vague agreement.
That was fine, she supposed. Nida wouldn't get in the way. He was rather good at standing in the background as an almost invisible support. One time he may have even given Squall a pep speech, but Selphie wasn't really paying attention to him during that whole G-Garden crisis in Centra.
"I'll catch the next boat," Selphie said. "Should get there in no time at all. I know the land around Trabia like the back of my hand." She even lifted it up for them, as if it was some kind of proof just showing it.
Quistis laughed a little. "We can just drop you off with Garden. It should take half the time to get there."
Squall nodded. "Soon as we head off again. We shouldn't be here for very much longer."
Selphie clenched her jaw, but smiled and nodded. "Right. Thank you, guys. It means a lot."
The two stared at her curiously, but before they said anything, Selphie quickly hopped up and down and pointed at Squall. "Hey! I almost forgot. Since you're Commander, and all, I guess you can't be in charge of the festival committee while I'm gone. But I expect you to find a suitable replacement, you know. You made me a promise."
Squall cringed a little. "Right. Of course, Selphie."
"Good," Selphie said. "I have to start packing and all that. Talk to . . . Nida."
"He's down in the cafeteria," Quistis said. "I was just having lunch with him."
As soon as Selphie was out of sight, hidden in the confines of the elevator, she let out a huge breath. Once the elevator got far down enough, and the wall turned to glass, she looked out over the main room, at the water fountains glistening under the Garden lamps. It was emptier than usual with all the students over in the city. When she got out of the elevator, all she heard was the fountains, the gentle rush and slosh of the water. She walked over to one of the railings and looked out over its crystal blue surface.
They're going to think they'll see me again in no time at all. But I don't plan on seeing them again for awhile. By the time they realize that, they'll all be doing their own things. And when I finally do see them again, I'll be better. They won't have to worry. It'll all just eventually go away and get better. Is has to . . .
Her eyes closed a little. A shard of ice penetrated her mind—no, penetrated Squall. And he was falling, falling . . .
She gripped the edges of the railing and opened her eyes, let the water console her. "All that's over now," she whispered to herself. "Everyone's safe . . ."
In time compression, she saw everything. But it wasn't images in her head; it all looked real, like she was actually reliving it again. It surrounded her as she tried to find her friends, to find her way back to this time. The others hadn't spoken about their experiences. Maybe it was easy for them. Maybe time compression didn't really bother them. But Selphie had become lost. Every road led back to the missile base, to that moment she thought she had lost her friends and herself. That she had failed everyone she could possibly fail.
I still don't remember how I made it back . . . Why can I remember everything else, but not that.
"Everyone's safe now," she repeated more firmly and lifted her head. "So am I."
She sighed. "Better go find Nida." She pushed away from the railing, put her hands behind her back, and began wandering in the direction of the cafeteria.
Train, Train, take us away.
Nida was sitting alone near the wall, a book in his hand, a cup of coffee before him. He glanced up over the pages to Selphie in surprise.
She slammed her hand down on the table. "You better start packing, what's-your-face, because we are heading to Trabia."
"W-what?" Nida asked with a blink. He closed the book quietly and set it on the table beside his coffee. "Is something happening? I thought we were going to be here for a few days. I don't have to steer, do I? I've been doing that for weeks straight."
"Yeah, yeah, right," Selphie said dismissively. "No, you and I are going to help rebuild Trabia Garden."
Take us away, far away.
"It'll be awesome!" she said. "Everyone there is great, and they're extremely hard workers. You have to be at Trabia. Quistis volunteered you, so you're coming with me. I have so many plans and ideas. We might not get a lot of break time, but it's not like we'll want any, because it'll be so, hmm . . ." Her fingers tapped against her chin. "Right! It'll be so gratifying!"
Nida's face scrunched up a little, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "How did I get assigned to this?"
"You don't want to be steering Garden, right?" Selphie asked, leaning down, a shit-eating grin on her face.
"I . . ." He moved back a little. "Suppose you're right."
"Orders from on high, anyway," Selphie said, popping up again. "See you then or whatever."
She turned and bounced away. As time went on, her bounces grew less and less zealous, until she was walking at a sluggish pace, ending up in front of her dorm room door without meaning to. With a sigh, she leaned against her door. It's really exhausting being my usual self now . . . Ah, what's wrong with me? Really? Everyone else is fine. How come I'm going all . . .
A few students neared near, talking to each other animatedly. When they noticed her, all of them immediately straightened their backs and nodded to her in respect. Only when they were out at the end of the hallway did they return to their conversation.
Selphie frowned. "What was that? Is that how everyone's going to treat me now? I'm still just Selphie." She opened the door and went inside. "We all just did what we did because we had to. Not like I was itching for any of it . . . Never wanted a war . . ."
She turned on the lights. "Stop being so down, Selphie!"
Carefully, she considered the summoning stones next to her bed. The others had unjunctioned theirs over the past few days. And while they kept them on hand for emergencies, also thinking that was a good idea, Rinoa had let hers go completely. It made sense; she wasn't a SeeD or a mercenary at all. She wanted nothing more with war or fighting.
Then there was Selphie, still junctioned, afraid to let them go because they had become too integral to her. Once unjunctioned, she feared she would feel weak, alone, like she had for much of her childhood, even the early, early days of being at Trabia Garden. She had relied so heavily on the GFs, and her friends. Losing both seemed like too much . . .
But that was the only way to defeat time compression, to defeat its lingering presence that even still hung onto her skin by its claws. She had to defeat it herself, because it was rooted in nothing but herself, impervious to the other things she had let in. Only her full potential, unaided by anything else, had the power to break her free.
Selphie gathered the stones in her hands. This was the final step before she left Garden.
To the future we will go.
"We'll see each other again sometime. I don't know when, but sometime. I'll never give up on any of you completely," Selphie whispered.
Where it leads, no one knows.
