Ok guys I'm back after a long break that I had not intended to take. but life got crazy, between work and my childs things and friends and romantic things, just no time to write and I was tired all the time. But as I work for the school system I am now off for summer vacation and the writing has began again. This chapter is for all of you that have waited i can promise there will be no gaps for the next little while. The next chapter will be off to my wonder beta tommorow again I am so sorry but i am back now.
Side note went to Dallas fanexpo 2 weeks ago i cosplayed 10 and my 9 year old was rose tyler. we pet peter capadi jenna coleman michelle gomaz and arthur durvill got autographs from all 4 and a photo op with capadldi coleman and gomaz.
Rose snuggled into the Doctor's lap as she watched the memory on the screen. On the television was the both of them seated on the captain's chair reminiscing about past adventures. There had been a glow on her cheeks, something she hadn't seen while looking in the mirror for a long time. Creases from smiling so widely graced her face, laughter coming out with ease. It had been so simple back then, when she starting to develop something more than just a crush on the Time Lord. Granted, she had felt those feelings sooner, but after the escapades in France and the jealousy she wore from the encounter with Reinette, she knew that she was truly in love with the Doctor.
She watched as the memory went on. It wasn't just her actions she had been paying attention to. The Doctor had seemed more free spirited in those times—light in his eyes, a youthful soul in an ancient Time Lord body coming to life, blooming. And it was when he was around her. When she had returned to this world, she couldn't help but notice how much more raw he had become over the years—the way he kept his hair, the lines in his face becoming a bit deeper, his eyes seemingly older than they had once been. She had acknowledged it briefly before, but she had been dealing with her own inner turmoil and frustration to realize how deeply the effects of losing her had on him.
Now though, with them picking up where they left off and being bubbly, she saw that sprightly energy sparking back to life. It made her love him even more, knowing that it was all a result of her being in his presence.
Continuing to watch the memory, she felt her skin lose the glow that the Doctor had placed on her face from his tender kisses. She stared at the screen, inwardly shuddering. This would be her first time in Pete's World, even though they had not called it that yet. The Doctor must have sensed her growing apprehension because he reached a hand out and entwined their fingers together. He never spoke a word, but the gentle squeeze he offered her reassured her just the same.
The memory continued as the Doctor's voice filled the room. "Ehm, what are you doing that for?" he asked Mickey.
"Because you told me to," the other man replied.
"When was that?"
"About half an hour ago"
"Um, you can let go now."
"Well, how long's it been since I could've stopped?"
"Ten minutes? Twenty? Twenty nine?" The Doctor turned to Rose in the scene, a small smile on her face. His voice sounded pretty childish and patronizing towards Mickey, something that neither of them realized at the time.
"You just forgot me!" Mickey cried indignantly.
The Doctor frowned. Re-watching something from back then was quite the experience. He never noticed how rude he actually was. Then again, he never did. He was Mr. Rude and Not Ginger for a reason. He glanced over and saw a single tear escape from Rose's eye. Pausing the memory, he gently brought her closer to him to lightly brush it away with his free thumb. He knew that she would either talk to him about what they were watching or she would walk away. He was leaning towards the former since she was much stronger now. Silence would be what she needed at the moment so she could process her feelings into words.
"It's okay, Rose," he said softly. "You can speak to me when you want, you know that. What's the matter?"
Rose hesitated, then finally spoke up with a quiet voice. "We forgot about Mickey a lot in those first few weeks of him travelling with us. I was just…I was mad at him. I was mad at you for letting him join us and that he wanted to come onboard."
"How come?"
"'Cause they were my adventures, and you were my Doctor. The old team—Shiver and Shake. I didn't wanna share any of it with anyone else. So I ignored Mickey in hopes that he would just up and leave for home again. Why did you let him come with us? What if things would have been different if he hadn't? I loved him, but I was so ignorant to him. Both of us were. We'd have our inside jokes like 'don't drop the banana', and he wouldn't get them. I wouldn't let him in on anything, I was jealous and worried that you would be replacing me, or trying to push me away into his arms." Her voice grew in frustration. "Were you trying to do that, Doctor? Did you know how I felt even when I barely knew it myself?"
The Doctor studied her carefully, noting the sadness and anger lingering in her eyes. She grew quiet, attempting to pull her hand from his grasp, but he kept it firm with another gentle squeeze. Truths like these were hard to sift through, but he knew he had to be honest with her. Two steps forward, two steps back.
He never liked going backwards in life, nothing good ever happened. The situation with River Song was proof of that, another thing that he wasn't looking forward to felling Rose. She wasn't going to like that story one bit knowing how that woman could possibly be his future wife by some odd chance. In all honesty, he didn't feel like it was the truth. It couldn't be, not when he felt things for Rose. He wasn't mentioning that now, it would be a terrible idea. He had enough guilt on his hands already. Taking a deep breath, he took Rose's other hand in his and held it tightly.
"Rose, I don't want to hurt you," he began gently. "It's the last thing I want to do, but…well…back then, I was a bit of an idiot—well, truthfully, I've always been an idiot. And about Mickey…I was. I thought it was where you belonged."
She blinked, shaking her head. "But why, Doctor?" she asked, sounding hurt.
Offering her one more squeeze, he dropped her hands to run one of his through his hair. "Because…I knew how you felt about me. Originally, I thought you had a small crush on me. You know, dashing Time Lord in a pinstriped suit and all." He preened for a moment, earning a hard look from her. He cleared his throat and turned serious again. "I thought you would move on from me, but then you were getting closer to me than anyone ever had, even when you might not have noticed yet. I could see it though. I'm over nine hundred years old. I've seen it happen countless times with other companions over the years, they all eventually moved on with their lives. I always hurt them even if I didn't want to. I've hurt so many people, things never ended well. I didn't want that to happen to you.
"So that time, I felt you deserved something better than me and tried to fix things. I thought we could just remain as friends and that you and Mickey would be back together and we'd continue travelling together. I didn't want to upset you or make you feel hurt. But then we ended up in Pete's World." He nodded at the frozen memory. "And then it happened. Everything we are about to watch Rose Tyler, everything that made me realize how blind I was. I knew how unhappy I would be if you stayed there, how much I'd miss you greatly—your smile, your laugh, your stubbornness, everything about little pink and yellow you.
"I stopped trying to push you away after that, and then it took everything I had knowing that you were falling for me that I could end up hurting you in the end. That one day where I would have to live on the rest of my life and have to leave you behind. I never wanted that to happen to you. So yes…I was trying to push you towards Mickey. I was only doing what I thought would be best for you, trying to give you the ideal normal human life—the children, a house with a fence and a yard for a dog to run around in. A life that I could pop by for a visit every now and then. A good life with no running." He sighed. "I was scared, Rose. I don't like endings, so I tried to ensure you had a happy one.
"I can't be sorry for what I thought back then, Rose. I was doing what I thought was best at the time. I was an idiot then, and I will always be an idiot. You taught me how to be a better man, but I didn't realize all you had done for me until you were gone, until I was standing in the console room and you were not with me, but on a beach a dimension away. Then it became my regret. That I couldn't see you again, and it pained me having to see you so far from my reach. All I wanted was for you to have the perfect life."
The Doctor studied Rose carefully, waiting for the outburst he knew was coming. He could see the hurt in her eyes, replacing the passion that filled them hours ago. He had just told her that he had tried to do exactly what she accused him of. It pained him having to see his precious Rose look like this. He knew being honest would be the best thing for them, but that didn't make it any less hard. He did what he did back then to ensure her safety, to give her the life that he could never give her. She deserved that much and more.
He stared at her for a few minutes, noting how she never moved nor blinked or even tried to pull her hands away from his. He sighed. She wasn't ready to talk just yet. He didn't want to shatter anything if it could never be pieced together again. She needed some space to think.
"Rose," he began gently. "If you need some space, you're free to come and talk when you're ready. We can come back here if you want and wait until you do. Whatever you want. I'm so sorry. I didn't wanna hurt you, I'd never do that to you. I just wanted to be honest with you."
She wasn't moving. Her eyes were trained on their joined hands. He figured that he would head off into the console room to tinker so she would have as much space that she needed for the moment.
"I'll be in the console room," he told her. "The Old Girl could use some repairs, so some fixin' up would do Her good. We can meet back in here later, if you want. Is that okay, Rose?"
Rose didn't give him an answer. The Doctor sighed before placing a chaste kiss to the top of her head before rising from the couch and slowly exiting the room.
