It's caving in around me
What I thought was solid ground
I tried to look the other way
But I couldn't turn around
It's OK for you to hate me
For all the things I've done
I've made a few mistakes
But I'm not the only one
(Five Finger Death Punch – Coming Down)
Sirius
It was late already. The common room was empty, Remus, James and Peter were fast asleep, while Sirius sneaked out of the portrait hole, wrapped into James' Invisibility Cloak, his wand clutched in one hand, the Map in the other. Carefully he made his way down to the kitchen but then stopped, frowning, his eyes fixed on the Map. There in one corner of the dungeons were seven little spots and amongst them, Severus Snape and, Sirius heart stopped for a second, Regulus Black. Sirius starred at his brother's name and before he knew what he was doing, his feet carried him further down the stairs. Down and down and down and then suddenly, he stood right in front of a closed door and there were soft voices coming from inside the room.
»That is suicide! We can't just openly marge through the school. Not with Dumbledore as headmaster and not with all the children around. What do you think is going to happen? There're going to be fights, that's what and I'm certainly not going to hurt innocent children. «, that was his brother's voice.
»Or maybe you should overthink your priorities, Black. «, said another boy. Sirius checked the Map, that must have been Mulciber or Avery. »Your care for the, what did call them? 'Innocent children'? It's touching, really, but –
»That's enough, Mulciber. «, Snape said. Sirius narrowed his eyes, his blood boiling in his veins. »Regulus has a point. We can't just show our faces. Not now. The Dark Lord has plans and we would do good, not to cross them. «
»We wouldn't be crossing them; we would merely help him to achieve – «
»An even greater number of enemies. «, Severus ended the sentence. His voice was cool and was practically soaked with contempt. »You are a fool if you think it could work. I say, we do nothing, yet, but wait. The time will come that we can act, but it is not now. «
»For fuck's sake! You're all cowards, that's what you are. Let's go. I'm done here. «, Mulciber shouted and then there were stepped, approaching the door and Sirius only had a second to jump backwards and to press himself against the wall. Mulciber and Avery left the room; followed by the Carrows and Barty. Sirius waited for Regulus to come out but he remained inside the room with Snape.
»I don't have a good feeling with this, Severus. What if we're doing a mistake? «, Regulus whispered.
»Don't even think about that, Regulus. You made your choice, you have to stand for it now. «
»It's not that I don't believe anymore. Never. The Dark Lord is right, if we don't act soon it well be too late. If we don't fight and claim our rights as purebloods – my point is, that I don't think we should force it. We shouldn't have to. I don't like the idea of hurting children, even if they're Mudbloods. They're still children. Come on, Severus. You can't tell me that you don't feel the same. What about that Evans girl? Would you want to hurt her? «
»Leave Lily out of this. «, Snape's voice was low and threatening but Regulus didn't back away.
»It's not me that you should tell that, Severus. I'm trying to be your friend here. You want to protect Lily, I get that, you love her or whatever. It's none of my business. I, too, have people in this school that I don't want to see dead. «
Snape shot Regulus a calculating look before spitting out, »Black. «
Regulus frowned. »That's my name too, you know. And referring to my mother I am now their only son, however, I disagree. He's still my brother and he did a lot for me. «
Sirius stood outside the room, eyes wide, his body shaking. He had no idea how he had managed to return to the common room unnoticed but suddenly he found himself back in his bed, still unable to sleep. Regulus. His little brother was a Death Eater, he was sure of that by now; they planned to attack the school and Regulus wanted to protect him. He hadn't spoken to his brother almost a year now but Regulus still wanted to protect him. Sirius felt tears rolling down his cheeks and he wrapped the blanket tighter around his body, thinking f the last conversation he had had with Regulus.
It was Halloween and Sirius made his way down to the Great Hall to join his friends. He had just rounded a corner when he suddenly found himself face to face with his little brother. They stared at each other for a moment, before stepping back a bit.
»Regulus. «
»Sirius. «
They fell into an uncomfortable silence, neither of them sure what to say or what to do.
»Look I - «, Regulus burst out just as Sirius said, »Listen - «. They both fell silent again, each waiting for the other to speak. Eventually, Sirius cleared his throat, »Listen, «, he said again, »I'm sorry I left you behind. «.
Regulus blinked. »It's fine, I wouldn't have wanted to leave anyway. They're our family Sirius, even if you don't like it. «
»Oh I'm sure dear old mother agrees with me for once in her life. «, Sirius said bitterly and Regulus gave him a sad look. »She, er - «, he hesitated. »She's thinking about disowning you. «
»Is she, now? Well, tell her to go ahead. I couldn't care less. «
Regulus nodded, apparently he hadn't expected any other reaction. »I'm sorry, too. About everything. «, he finally said and then suddenly there were his arms around Sirius, to pull him into a hug but before the older boy could react, Regulus had already pushed him away again and turned away to leave.
Remus
Sirius was definitely behaving strange. Or at least stranger than usual. Remus hadn't really noticed at first but he was sure now. It had started a few weeks ago; about the same time James started dating Lily. Sirius was unusual quiet; a quiet Sirius was always a bad sign. He stayed out late without telling anyone where he was going, he often took the Map and the Cloak with him, which drove James insane. He also did even less school work than usually. Remus was worried. Sirius was his best friend and something was off. For a short period of time he had considered the possibility that Sirius might have found a boyfriend but that was highly unlikely. Sirius didn't do relationships and even if there was someone, he wouldn't make such a secret out of it. No, there was something else and Remus was determined to find out what; out of purely platonic reasons, of course.
»Hey Pads. «, he said as he sat down next to Sirius in Transfiguration.
»Hey Moony. «, Sirius smiled at him and Remus had almost missed the short flash of something in his eyes. Almost. It had been there, Remus was sure.
»Everything okay? «
»Exceedingly my friend, exceedingly. What about you? You seemed a bit distracted this morning. «
»You know I'm not a morning person. «
»That, you are truly not. «
Professor McGonagall entered the room and the two boys fell silent. It was true, Remus had been 'distracted' this morning; he had been distracted with watching Sirius without making it obvious that he did so. The result had been sobering, if not to say, disappointing. He hadn't noticed much extraordinary about Sirius behavior except the already known things and maybe that he looked a little sadder and even more tired. Sirius had also kept throwing glances over to the Slytherin table but that wasn't too surprising; whenever Sirius was bored or had a bad mood he looked for a reason to fight with one of them, preferably Snape.
After the lesson Remus left for lunch, only to notice that, when he arrived in the Great Hall, he was alone. Frowning, Remus sat down and turned to James, »Do you know where Sirius is? He was behind me and now he's gone. «, James shook his head and his eyes narrowed. »What? «, he asked.
»He's taken my Cloak and the Map. Again. «, James muttered grumpy.
»Oh. «
»You really don't know what he's up to? «
»No idea. «, Remus said and started eating his soup. In that moment Peter and Lily came in and sat down beside them.
»Oi Peter, you've seen Sirius? «, James asked immediately but Peter, too, shook his head.
»Black? «, Lily asked. She and Sirius still couldn't really stand each other although she and James had been dating for weeks now. »I've just seen him in the library. «
Remus frowned. Sirius in the library? What is he doing there?
»I, er…I think I left my book behind. I'll go, get it. «, he said and walked out of the Great Hall. He knew that his excuse was weak and that James would have no problem at all to see through it but he didn't really care. Remus hurried down the halls, towards the library which was almost empty now because all the students were having lunch. Carefully, Remus moved through the rows of bookshelves until he spotted a very familiar back of a head, with flowing, shiny black hair.
Sirius
Meet me in the library during lunch.
S.
The message had been clear. Only a few words, no signature, in case someone else read it too. Sirius stood behind a bookshelf, which wouldn't even be necessary because he also had the Cloak. His eyes were fixed on the Map. Would he come? And if he did, what would he tell him? With a growing feeling of excitement and fear he watched the little spot moving closer and closer and closer and - »Regulus. «, Sirius said, quickly cramming the Cloak into his bag.
»What do you want? Why this secrecy? «, Regulus asked. He looked insecure, scared even or maybe he had just started to hate Sirius after all and this was a complete waste of time.
»I wanted to talk to you. «, Sirius explained. Regulus frowned but said nothing, »Reg, I'm worried. I don't want to accuse you of anything, I really don't but I know from a reliable source that you spent a lot of time with people that are, as a matter of fact, Death Eaters and I know that you're old enough to make your own decisions and I'm really in no place to tell you what to do but I'm worried and I wanted to ask you to be careful. I might not be a Black anymore but I'm still your big brother and I'm supposed to look out for you. «
Regulus said nothing for a moment. He just stood there and stared at Sirius, then his mask broke and there was anger in his eyes. »What do you want from me, Sirius? Why now? It's a bit fucking late for playing the concerned big brother, don't you think? You never cared before and now it's too late. «
»Don't say that - «
»Why not? It's the truth. I made my decision. I can't go back. Just like you made yours. «
Sirius swallowed. He had been afraid of that. That Regulus would simply turn the tables, because he was right. He really couldn't talk. After all, it had been him that had left in the first place, not Regulus. »I'm so sorry, Reg. If I could change things, I would. I would protect you. I would take you with me. «
»But that's just it, Sirius. I wouldn't have wanted to go with you. I've already told you. They're my family and I love them. «
»But don't you see how sick all that is? «
»Is it, though? Think about it, Sirius. The wizarding world has no future if we go on like this. We need to keep to ourselves to maintain our heritage. The Dark Lord is the only one at the moment who sees clearly but it won't stay like that forever. There are a lot of people who start realizing that he is right and they will join him. You and your friends will be fighting a losing battle. I don't want to hurt you. I really don't but I'm going to have to, if you don't start to see reason. Join us, Sirius. Join us and I promise you that together we can try to keep your friends save. Potter is a pureblood, there's no need for him to get hurt. Evans, the Mudblood doesn't have to get hurt either if she's clever and your little werewolf friend, well, I don't know about him but we can find a way. We - «
Sirius fist flew through the air and hit his brother's jaw. Sirius was absently aware that he had been crying. His hand hurt but that was nothing against the pain deep in his heart. His little brother. I've lost him. He thought. Regulus looked at him, slightly shocked.
»I'm sorry. «, Sirius said and turned around just to stop dead again. At the end of the row stood Remus, wide eyed and pale. Slowly he approached Sirius and lay an arm around his shoulders. »Come on. Let's get you out of here. «
»Sirius? «, Regulus voice sounded weak. The two Gryffindors stopped but didn't turn around. »I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for everything that's going to happen from now on. «
Remus
»Sirius? «
The other boy did not answer. He just sat there at the edge of the roof, legs dangling in the air.
»Sirius, please, what is it? You're scaring me. «
He still didn't say anything but raised a hand in which he held pieces of parchment. Remus stepped closer and sat down next to Sirius, careful not to look down and took the pieces. It was a letter. Remus could only decipher random words but those were enough to tell him that it wasn't a nice letter.
»From my dear old mother. «, Sirius said and took the remains of the letter back, only to throw them into the depth. »I'm now officially disowned and no longer a member of the Black family. «, his voice was bitter and his eyes glowed from hate. Remus hesitated but then lay an arm around his shoulder. He wasn't sure what to say so he remained silent for the moment.
»I hate them. The bloody lot of them. Evil, sick fanatics. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. «, Sirius spat out but there were tears in his eyes and his body was trembling.
Remus tightened his grip and whispered, »I know you do. I know. It's still okay to be upset, though. You're allowed to be upset. They used to be your family. You used to live with them and they were a big part of your life, no matter how horrible. «
Sirius turned his head and looked him in the eyes.
»How do you do that? «, he asked.
»Do what? «
»You always know what to say. «
Remus shrugged. »Lucky guess? «, he asked and Sirius shook his head. »Bollocks. You know me too well Remus Lupin. «, he whispered before kissing him.
»What are you doing? «
»What does it look like? «
»Can't we just – can't we just get down from this roof? You know I don't like heights. «
»Of course. I'm sorry. «, Sirius said and jumped to his feet. They went to their dorm and sat down on Sirius' bed.
»They know. «, Sirius said.
»What do you mean? «
»They know about you. I don't know how but in that letter…she said that she knew, you're a werewolf and that I should watch it or else she would tell everyone. «
Remus felt sick. That's it, he thought. I can pack my stuff. »Remus. Remus, listen to me. I won't let anything happen to you, okay? I won't. Don't worry, I'll sort it out. She can't do anything right now, anyway and I will make sure that it stays that way. «
»How? How could you possibly do that? «
And there it was again; that wicked, mischievous smile. That smile that said 'You have no idea what I'm capable of', and he hadn't. He had known Sirius for six years but he still was surprised by the things the other boy could do.
»Trust me. «, Sirius said.
»I do. «, Remus whispered and he meant it.
Again, they sat on Sirius' bed in silence.
Again, Remus was not sure what he should say.
He had heard everything and he had the suspicion that there was nothing he could say. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. Regulus was a Death Eater. He would have to fight against Sirius someday. The most shocking thing was, that it absolutely wasn't shocking. It seemed to Remus, like everything turned out exactly the way it was supposed to turn out.
»Sirius - «
»Don't. «
»Don't, what? «
»Don't say anything about it, please. I don't want to hear that you're sorry, I don't want to hear that it's going to be fine, I don't want to hear that there will be another way. I just don't want to bloody think about all this. I just want to forget it. «
»I wasn't going to say anything about it. I wanted to ask you something. «
»Oh. Sorry. «
»It's alright. «
»What did you want to ask? «
»Last year…how did you make your mother keep quiet about me? «
Sirius laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh but it was something. »Oh, she might have chucked me out and erased me from the family tree but she forgot that it was still her that raised me. In some ways I'm still a Black. I've always been waiting for that day she would blast me from the family tree but I didn't live in that house for 16 years for nothing. I know everything about the House Black. I reminded her that she would have to do something for me as well, if she wanted me to keep quiet about all those dirty, little secrets. «
»You used blackmail to fight blackmail. «
»I did. Didn't expect that, the bloody bitch. Me. The black sheep of the family «
»I think you're more of a black dog «, Remus whispered.
Sirius blinked. He stared at Remus for a second or two and then started laughing, »Oh my – that was terrible, Moony. I thought I'm the only one to make jokes like that. «
Remus smiled, »You're a bad influence. «
Sirius snorted but stayed silent.
»Thank you. «, Remus finally said.
»I told you I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Not ever. «
Remus looked at Sirius thoughtfully. This was one of those moments in which he really couldn't deal with Sirius. When he was all affectionate and close and honest and didn't hide behind a layer of masks and walls.
»I would do it all again, Remus. «
And then he kissed him and Remus knew he should pull back. He knew he should say 'no' and walk away. He raised his hand and - pulled Sirius closer. They deepened the kiss and suddenly Remus was on top of his friend, pushing their crotches together. A soft moan, there was a hand under his robe, Sirius legs closed around him and he rocked their bodies together.
»Fuck. «, Remus mumbled. »We shouldn't – We really shouldn't do this. «, he said.
»No. No, you're right we shouldn't. It's a mistake. «
Neither of them pulled away. »We should just go down to the common room. Or the Great Hall. Or – Merlin! «, Sirius face was buried in his neck. Somehow, they both had lost most of their clothes and Sirius was under him, beautiful and desperate and hard.
Sirius
The door opened and just then, Sirius realized that,
1. He was naked;
2. Remus lay next to him also naked and
3. The curtains were not closed.
»Oh my fucking – I was so not ready to see that. Merlin's holy socks. «, James rambled and covered his eyes with his hand.
»Sorry Prongs. «, Sirius said and quickly pulled the blanket closer to cover them up.
Carefully, Sirius turned to look at Remus and saw him blushing. He had no idea what to say so he looked back at James, who was now busy digging in his trunk.
»I need to use the loo. «, Remus mumbled and quickly got dressed. When he was gone, James suddenly stopped and turned around, his eyes narrowed.
»So? «, he asked.
»So, what? «, Sirius asked back, although he knew exactly 'what'.
»'So what'? 'So what'? «, he raised his voice. »What the fuck do you think you're doing? «
»I don't know, alright? It just happened. Didn't mean anything. «, Sirius tried to defend himself.
»Urgh. «, James groaned in frustration. »You are such a - I don't even have the words for it. You're my best mate but sometime I have absolutely no fucking idea how I can put up with you. It just happened? Really? Like you didn't know what you were doing? Both of you? It didn't mean anything? Are you really that stupid? «
»James- «
»No, listen to me- «
»Prongs- «
»Don't fucking 'Prongs' me now! «, James shouted. »You listen to me now. I have always stayed out of it. Always. I could tell you so much about what I've been thinking but I won't because it's none of my business what you two are doing in bed but I will not just sit back and watch our friendship go down. I will not let the Marauders fall apart just because you two can't keep in in your trousers! «. He was breathing heavily now but he seemed to have calmed down a bit.
»I'm sorry. «, Sirius whispered and he was. He was sorry. He was sorry about everything. »It's just…I was upset and he was there and I missed him. «
»Then why did you ever stop? «
Sirius shrugged. He couldn't say it. Couldn't even think about it. »It was for the best. «, he said and if he just kept saying it often enough it might become true on day. James looked doubtful but didn't ask any further. »It's Reg. «, said Sirius eventually. »I've spoken to him earlier and…and…«, Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn't cry. Not now. Not again. »He's been spending a lot of time with that bunch of Death Eaters and he practically told me that he joined them. That he joined Voldemort because he believes in what he's doing and he wanted me to join him too. He said…he said if I did. If I joined them I could keep you all safe. I punched him. «, Sirius eyes had been fixed on the floor the whole time and he hadn't noticed how James had stepped closer and was now sitting next to him on the bed.
»Shit. «, he said and Sirius looked up. James looked helpless. Just as helpless as Sirius felt. »I'm - «
»Don't. «, Sirius interrupted. »Don't say you're sorry. I know you are, I'm sorry too. Remus is sorry, we're all feeling fucking sorry but that doesn't change a bloody thing, does it? It doesn't make it better and certainly doesn't bring me back my little brother. I've lost him James. I've lost Reg and it's my fault. «
»It's not your fault. Why would you - «
»It is, though. If I had been there…If I had been a better brother he wouldn't have wanted to join them. If I had protected him he would have come with me when I left. I betrayed him by leaving him behind. I drove him to this! «
»Now that is bullshit and you know it! He's old enough to make his own decisions and there's nothing you could have done. Blame your parents if you like but don't blame yourself. «, Sirius opened his mouth to say something but James interrupted, »Don't. «, he finished and gave Sirius a hug.
Someone cleared their throat and they both spun around; in the doorway stood Remus and looked at them, his face unreadable. »We should go to class. «, he said and went down to the Common Room.
»Trust me. «, Sirius said.
»I do. «, Remus whispered.
They lay side by side on Sirius' bed and it was frightening how good it felt. Just lying there and not thinking about his poor excuse of a family or his brother or what he was going to do at the end of seventh wear. He still had time for that. They were just hallway through their sixth year and he still had time for that and right now, all that mattered was, that Remus lay next to him and that things were going to be okay.
»Padfoot? «
»Moony? «
»What are we? «
»What d'you mean? «
»You know what I mean. «. And Sirius did.
»Yeah. I do. But I can't tell you. Is it important? «
»Maybe. I was just wondering…«, Remus trailed off and Sirius frowned at the ceiling. That was just like his Moony, always thinking.
»Well…«, Sirius said, »It's not like we're an actual couple are we? «
»No. I suppose we're not. I'm not gay, you know. «
»Aren't you? «, Sirius asked surprised. They had never talked about that and Sirius had always just assumed that Remus was like him.
»I'm not. It's just you. «
»Oh. Well…but would it be so bad if you were? «
»I can't be. «
»Why not? «
»I'm already a werewolf. I can't be gay, too. «
Sirius blinked. He wasn't sure how to reply to that. He was sure that Remus was gay or at least bi and that he just couldn't say it yet. The werewolf – thing had completely slipped his mind. Why would it be so bad to be both? He didn't know.
»Padfoot? «
»Moony? «
»Say something. «
»I don't know what to say. If you're gay, you're gay and if you're not, you're not. It's none of my business. But since we're not a couple…I mean…it's just a bit of fun for now, isn't it? You should go on a date…maybe you'll figure out who you are. If you want to, that is. «
»Huh. Maybe. «
Remus
In retro perspective, Remus thought, he had been really, really, really, stupid. He should have never agreed to Sirius idea of him going on dates while also having that thing with Sirius and he certainly should not have kissed him again after months and months. Now, he couldn't forget it anymore. He knew of course what it had been. What it had been to Sirius. He had been upset and Remus had been there to comfort him. Period. They were friends, nothing more. They had been naive to think that they could be more, in the first place.
»And? How did it go? «, Sirius asked without looking at him.
»Okay. «
»Wow. Someone sounds excited. «
»Wow. Someone sounds sarcastic. «
»Touché. «
Remus sat down on the sofa in front of the fire place and looked at Sirius who was still staring into the flames.
»What is it? «, he asked because it must have been something since Sirius was quiet. Very quiet.
»Nothing. «
»Is it Regulus again? Or your mother? Or- «
»It's nothing, Remus. «, Sirius repeated and Remus gave up. There was no point pushing him to tell him something. They sat in silence and Remus couldn't help but notice the distance between them. »Come here. «, he said. Sirius looked up and, for the first time, met his eyes. He seemed to think for a moment but then got up and sat down next to Remus, resting his head against the taller boy's shoulder.
»What is it? «
»Nothing. «
Déjà vu, Remus thought. He and Sirius sat in the Common Room in front of the fire place and Sirius seemed to sulk. Or think. Or both. Remus sight. He didn't know what to do anymore. After that one time where they had both forgotten themselves they had been rather careful around each other. Remus did his best to avoid being alone with Sirius but Sirius didn't even seem to notice because he, too, avoided Remus.
»Fine then. «, said Remus and got up. He was tired of all this. »I'm in the library. «, he took his bag and left Sirius alone. In the library he met Lily, they hadn't spoken properly in weeks now because she spent a lot of time with James.
»Hey. «, he greeted her and sat down at the table.
»Hello Remus. «, she said and smiled at her parchment she was currently writing on. Remus, too, pulled out his quill and a roll of parchment and began writing an essay for Charms that was due on Monday. When he had finished, he found Lily looking at him.
»What? «, he asked.
»Something's bothering you. «, she said. It wasn't a question.
Remus began chewing on his lips. He wanted to talk to Lily he really did but he also didn't wat to bother anyone with his problems.
»Come on, Remus. I know you. «
»It's Sirius. «
Lily's face immediately changed. She narrowed her eyes and blew up her nostrils. »What has he done now? «, she asked.
»He didn't do anything. It was my fault, mostly. «
»I doubt that. «. she said, her eyes glaring.
»He's not a bad guy, Lily. He isn't. He's just a bit…careless sometimes. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions or when he does he doesn't care. «
»So he did do something. «
»It wasn't him exclusively. «, Remus said defensively and Lily raised an eyebrow. »He was upset and I tried to cheer him up and then…we kind of…ended up in his bed. «
Lily groaned, »Remus! «
»What? I said it was my fault, too. «
Lily looked incredulous at her friend, »After all that's happened between you? «
»I know, Lily. Believe me, I know. It was a stupid mistake and I should have known better but that's just it. I do know better and I still did it and I would probably do it again. He's just so - «, Remus sighed. »The thing is, one moment he's my best mate and just my best mate and we joke around and everything and the next moment he gets really quiet and defensive and wouldn't let me anywhere near him and then there are those moments where he gets really sweet and starts saying all those nice things and hugging me and kissing me and I don't know what to do and it's doing my head in. «, he looked up at Lily whose facial expression had, once again, changed. Now it was a mixture of incredulity, pity and amusement.
»You really care about him, don't you? «, she asked.
»You have no idea. «
»You know. What you need is a relationship. Someone who's loving and caring and sweet and all that. «
»Please, Lily, don't. That is really not what I need and certainly not what I want. I don't even know what I want but it's definitely not a relationship. «
»Oh. «, Lily said disappointed. »Alright. «
He just came back from one of those ridiculous dates that Sirius kept setting up for him. He should probably be grateful. The people Sirius chose were always perfect. Boys and girls alike but there was always something missing. Remus found himself comparing them with Sirius and there was always something that didn't fit. Mary was incredibly clever but she had not understood any of his jokes. Anna's only interest, it had seemed, was Ancient Runes. Bobby had been shy and sweet and bought him chocolate but he was so quiet. Rick was too childish; Kate too clingy and Andrew too narcissistic. They are not Sirius, Remus thought.
He opened the door to their dorm and stopped dead. Sirius' curtains were closed but the sounds from behind the cloths were explicit.
»Oh fuck. Yes, right there! «
»Sirius! «
Remus forced his body to move. He closed the door and closed his eyes, trying to breathe. He felt sick and cold and his hands were shaking. Suddenly, Remus found himself in the bathroom, bend over the toilet.
Don't think about it. He told himself.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
They were not a couple. It was just a bit of fun. It didn't mean anything. Everything was fine.
Sirius
Remus was gone and Sirius felt guilty. It was not Remus' fault. He starred once again on the letter he had received a few hours ago.
Dear Mister Black,
as the lawyer and a close friend of your uncle, Mister Alphard Black, I am truly sorry to bring you message of his passing. As he has always told me, he was very fond of you as his nephew and has therefore made you his heir. You will be the first one to receive this message but I will send letters to his remaining family and his friends soon.
Referring to your uncle's will, he has left you most of his fortune, as well as most of his belongings and a flat in London. Your cousin Andromeda Tonks (née Black) and your brother Regulus have also been named in Mister Alphard Black's will.
Please contact me to arrange the details of funeral, which will be held on Friday.
I offer you my sincere condolences.
Martin Gording
»Sirius? «, someone asked but Sirius just ignored it.
»Hey, Padfoot. Mate. «, a second voice said.
»Sirius, you okay? «
»Of course he's not okay Peter. Does this look okay to you? «, the second voice snapped, which seemed to belong to James. »Hey, Pads, come on. Let's get you upstairs. «, James said and lifted Sirius to his feet to drag him out of the Common Room towards their dorm. Sirius complied, unable to do anything, let alone speak. He felt numb. Alphard had been nice. He had liked Alphard. In the dorm, James let Sirius drop in his bed and took the letter from Sirius' hand.
»Oh. «, James said, after he read the letter. »Shit, mate, I'm so sorry. «
Sirius just nodded. He still didn't trust his voice.
The door opened again and Remus came in. He stopped and looked slightly confused at his three friends.
»What's going on? «, he asked. Wordless, James handed him the letter and Remus began reading.
»Oh. «, he, too, said. »I'm - «
»- Sorry, yeah. «, Sirius snapped. He was angry. He didn't even know why he was angry or of what but he really didn't have the nerves to hear how sorry everyone was. Again. Remus looked at his friend, motionless. »Yes Sirius, I am. I am sorry. Take it or leave it. « and with that he left again.
»Alright. «, James muttered. »I'm not even going to ask. «
Sirius snorted. This is fucking brilliant. He thought bitterly.
»Look. Why don't we all go into Hogsmeade tonight? Get our minds off all this mess for a bit? «, James suggested and Sirius nodded. Getting smashed, really sounded like a spectacular idea right know.
Remus
Remus had gone to the dorm to apologize to Sirius for walking off earlier, then he had found his three friends rather upset, surrounding Sirius' bed and now he was alone back in library. He had not meant to snap at Sirius. Now there were two things he had to apologize for. He thought of Sirius' uncle. Alphard Black had been a nice man. He had been living alone, in a mansion somewhere at the coast and he had sent a big package of very expensive chocolate every year for Christmas. Remus had met him a few times and if he hadn't known that that man was a Black he would not have believed it. He was very much like Sirius but at the same time totally different. Remus almost missed him although he had not known him properly. Not the way Sirius had. Here we go again, he thought. It all came back to Sirius in the end.
»There you are. «. Remus turned around and saw James.
»I was trying to read in peace. «, Remus mumbled and James frowned.
»Of course. «, his voice was dripping with sarcasm. »Are coming with us to Hogsmeade tonight? «
»What have you planned? «
»Having fun. «
»Fun as in 'getting royally, monumentally fucked'? «, Remus asked, using the words Sirius always used to describe his drinking sessions.
James grinned, »That's the one. So? Are you in? «
»Well, someone needs to keep an eye on lot…«
»I knew I could count on you. «
Remus said nothing. He didn't like the idea of sneaking out to get drunk on a Wednesday night but then again, this was a special occasion and he had meant it, when he had said that someone should be there to stay at least sober enough to prevent any major catastrophes.
A few hours later, the Marauders sat in the corner of the Thee Broomsticks, downing one Firewhisky after another; at least that's what Sirius and James did. Peter went along with it because he did everything that James did and Remus tried to make this at least a bit more bearable but he had drunken the least so far.
»An' then he said that she could screw 'erself and jus' walked out. Just walked out. «, Sirius slurred. He had been telling them stories about his uncle which seemed to make him feel a bit better.
»Good man, your uncle was. «, James mumbled and Sirius nodded. »Always sent us chocolate. «
»Moony likes chocolate. «, Sirius suddenly said and Remus almost choked on his water he was currently drinking. »Chocolate and hot tea. «. Remus starred at Sirius who seemed to have forgotten that Remus was actually sitting at their table. Peter wasn't listening at all but had his eyes fixed on a group of girls at the bar and James chuckled amused.
»'xcuse me. «, Remus said and got up to go to the bathroom. He was drunk too, but not as drunk as his friends and his brain was still functioning perfectly well, which was probably the problem. Of course he knew what drunk Sirius was like. Drunk Sirius was very much like sober Sirius except different. As little as he usually thought about things, when he was drunk he didn't think at all. Also, alcohol seemed to have a similar effect on him like Veritaserum and that was probably the most dangerous part, drunk Sirius was very affectionate and that, Remus mused, was very likely get him into trouble later. When Remus returned to the table, he saw that Peter had gone to talk to the group of girls who were all giggling frantically.
He sat down and watched Sirius who was talking to James; neither of them seemed to notice his presence.
»I jus' wanna forget James. Jus' forget it all. It's all shit, Prongs. Reg's a Death Eater and poor Alphard's dead and Remus hates me and you, «, he pointed with his finger on James. » You gonna run off with tha' redhead of yours. It's not fair, James. It's jus' not fair. «, he finished and drank another Firewhisky. He got up to get a new one and Remus was just about to intervene, when James put his hand on Sirius' shoulder to push him back onto the chair, »Now, that's enough Padfoot. I'm not running off with anyone, d'you hear me? You're my brother. I fucking love you, mate. «
Sirius sat down again and it looked like he was just about to reply something when hell broke loose; or so it seemed.
»You bastard! «
»Get away from her! «
»No, I – please, I didn't – I'd never - «
Remus spun around and saw Peter who was currently stammering unintelligible excuses to a man in front of him. The 'man' was more of a mountain. He was almost twice as tall as Peter and four times as broad. The group of girls had stopped giggling and was, too, looking up to the man. Remus hesitated; he looked back to James and Sirius but they were so drunk that they could only stare at the scene with wide eyes. Peter looked like he was about to faint any minute so Remus stood up. For a moment he wondered if he was about to do something really stupid but then decided that it was his Gryffindor – bravery kicking in.
»Hey, calm down! I'm sure he didn't mean any harm. «, he said, stepping between Peter and the man.
»Is that so? No harm, eh? And who are you? His babysitter? «
»I'm a friend and I would like you to back off now. «. Remus heart was racing. He was not exactly sure what he was doing but he was torn between fear and anger. Fear because the mountain seemed to be furious and capable of pretty much anything and anger because he hated it to see his friend being threatened and he was sure that Peter didn't do anything to deserve something like this. He felt the wolf inside him stir, aching to act on his emotions but Remus fought him back.
»You are one tough son of a bitch I'll give you that. But this is between me and your little friend who touched my girl. Nobody touches my girl and gets away with it. Nobody! «, he shouted and tried to shove Remus out of the way. That was enough to brake his resistance. He was drunk and angry and that was always a dangerous combination; all fear seemed forgotten and Remus let out a low growl and then pushed back. The man stumbled, his eyes wide with surprise and shock and crashed against a table. He got up again and turned back to Remus, probably to hit him this time but as soon as their eyes met, the man stopped dead. Remus was breathing heavy, trying to gain back control over himself, he already regretted his outbreak but it seemed to be over. He held the man's gaze but no one was about to charge anymore. The barman came to see what was causing the noise and the man quickly left the pub.
»You okay Peter? «, Remus asked, turning around to his friend. Peter nodded, he looked frightened but unharmed. »Good. Let's go back. I think we've had enough for today. «. Peter nodded again and together they went to their table to get James and Sirius. James' head lay on the table and he was snoring, while Sirius kept staring at Remus. Remus tried to ignore Sirius' eyes and woke James up.
»Come on, mate. Let's get you back and then you can sleep. «
»Mphhpf. «, James said but he got up.
Back the Gryffindor Common Room, Remus breathed a sigh of relief. Peter and him had half carried James through the secret passageway and up the stairs while Sirius had followed them in rather generous, wiggly lines.
»Alright, we're almost there. Don't give up Pete. «, he tried to encourage his friend but only received a snort as an answer. Finally, they opened the door to the dorm and let James drop onto his bed, whom immediately curled up into the sheets and started snorting again. Remus sighed. He had no intentions, whatsoever, to wake him again to make him take off the clothes, Peter, too had fallen into his bed without changing and mumbled a quick, »G'night Moony. «, before falling asleep as well. Remus turned around to go to bed as well, but found his bed occupied by Sirius.
»Pads. «, he whispered. »Pads, that is my bed. «
»I know. «
»Would you please be so kind and go to your own bed? I'm tired too, you know. «
»Don't want to. «
»Sirius. «
»Please, Moony. Just…just…please. «, he whispered, already half asleep. His hands were clutched to Remus arm and tugged him closer to the bed. »Please, stay with me. «
Remus sighed again, »Alright you great mutt. Budge up a bit then. «, he said and Sirius did as he was told and as soon as Remus lay on the bed he wrapped his arms completely around Remus and lay his head onto his chest. Snuggled up like that, Remus was very certain that it had be a bad idea to agree to Sirius but now it was too late and he was far too exhausted.
»Thanks. «, Sirius mumbled. »You're a good mate, y'know. A good mate. I don't deserve you. «
»Don't say that. «
»But it's true. I was so horrible to you and I would deserve you're hate but you could never hate me, could you Moony? «, Sirius was still drunk but to Remus it seemed like his mind seemed to work better than when he was sober.
»No. No, I could never hate you. «, he admitted.
Sirius shifted a bit and then, suddenly he was kissing him. Sirius drew back and smiled. »I could never hate you either Moony. «, he whispered and then he was asleep and Remus lay in his bed, utterly confused and frustrated but also happy because for once he was sure that everything was going to be okay.
Sirius
Alex was gone and Sirius lay in his bed, still naked and he felt Bad. Bad as in totally and absolutely, utterly goddam fucking shitty. The worst thing is, he thought bitterly, that it's my own bloody fault. He knew the problem of course; the problem was that he had slept with Alex. He didn't even like Alex. He had slept with him because Remus was off on a date and probably having a spiffing time and Sirius had been left behind, feeling miserable. The door to their dorm opened and Remus came in. He looked pale and his eyes were red.
»Merlin, what happened? Are you okay? «, Sirius asked and jumped off his bed immediately, not caring about his naked state.
Remus obviously tried not to look at Sirius and nodded while keeping his distance. Sirius was taken aback. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. He quickly got dressed and then sat down next to Remus, lying an arm around his shoulders, to his relief, Remus did not try to push him away but even relaxed into the touch.
»Do you want to talk about it? «, he asked gently and Remus shook his head. »Okay. «. So they just sat on Remus bed, side by side in silence.
Sirius woke up and immediately wished he hadn't. His head felt like the 6th Army was marching through it and his stomach seemed to have turned upside down.
»Urgh. «, he groaned.
»A most wonderful morning my dear friend. I do hope you feel well. «, a voice near his hear said and Sirius winced.
»Silent. «, he whimpered.
»I'll take that as a no. «. The voice, which Sirius recognized as Remus', chuckled.
»Silent. «
»If you let me go I can get you a potion. «
»Huh? «. Sirius opened his eyes which was a mistake referring to both his brain and his stomach but he had seen enough. Why am I hugging Remus and, what's even more important, why am I lying in Remus' bed? He asked himself. He tried to remember last night's events but failed miserably.
»Pads. «, Remus whispered.
»Wha'? «
»Do you want me to get you a potion? «
Right, the potion. Sirius remembered and forced his arms to move; after a moment, Remus managed to free himself from Sirius' embrace and Sirius fell back onto the bed, trying hard not to throw up. A few minutes later, Remus was back and something liquid to him. Sirius waited a few minutes more before he dared to open his eyes once again. His brain had stopped throbbing and his stomach seemed to be in his right place again.
»Thank you, Moony. «, he said and carefully, sat up.
»You're welcome. «, said Remus.
»What time is it? «
»Too late for breakfast and you've missed Potions. «
»What 'bout you? «
»What about me? «
»Have you not had breakfast 'cause of me? Have you missed lessons 'cause of me? «, Sirius asked. He felt guilty because he had obviously forced himself onto Remus.
»It's no big deal. «, Remus said although they both knew that that was lie. It was huge deal but Remus would not say that out loud. Not with a horribly hungover Sirius in front of him.
»What happened last night? «, Sirius asked without looking at Remus. He was a bit scared that he had done something stupid.
»Not much, really. We were in the Three Broomsticks, James and you got utterly smashed, Pete got into a fight with a mountain and then we carried James back to the school because monsieur was too wasted to even take two straight steps. «, Remus explained conversationally and Sirius nodded. Still, that didn't explain why - »Er, and why…I mean…why did we…? «
»Oh. «. Remus blushed. Gods, why does he have to look so damn cute when he blushes? Sirius asked himself. »You…er…you, kind of, asked me to stay. «
»Oh. «. Now it was Sirius who blushed. »Sorry. «
»It's alright. «
They fell into an awkward silence and Sirius cursed his drunken self for being so stupid.
