Living on memories alone didn't prepare her for the return to Garden. The ten years had warped her image of Garden, and so she was completely blown away when she set eyes on it again. She was scared it would swallow her whole and spit her out as the Selphie she was before, that all the progress she'd felt she'd made being away would just vanish, as if she had used magic to snap it out of existence.
But then she'd seen Quistis, in front of her, not just a face on a screen. And all Selphie could do was run to her and embrace her for nearly a full minute—and Quistis let her have that full minute without complaint. Maybe she needed that time just as much as Selphie did.
At least Balamb was intact. It was safe. And if there was a threat against it, Selphie would extinguish it. She hadn't been there for Trabia, again, but she would be there for Balamb. She had to be. If she lost Balamb too, Selphie honestly had no idea what would happen to her.
She still hadn't seen anyone but Squall and Quistis. Selphie was glad she didn't have to ask them to not tell the others she was back. Maybe they knew she needed some time after being away so long. And Selphie had a feeling Quistis had figured out what was going on with Selphie a while ago. If anyone would have, it was her. Everyone else was so busy with their lives to really think about it outside their messages and occasional face times with her. Rinoa and Zell were close, just in Balamb. Irvine was at G-Garden still, she'd asked Quistis. He was helping with safety concerns there in case the bombings weren't Trabia-specific. She was somewhat relieved he was still so far away.
Selphie had gone straight to the 2F balcony after she'd dropped her things off in the guest quarters. Her dorm was still there, with all her stuff, but she didn't look at it. She still hadn't. And she wasn't sure if she wanted to very soon. So the 2F balcony it was, and as she was standing there, hands on the railing, looking out over the plains, Quistis had joined her.
"Still the same, isn't it?" Quistis said as she came to Selphie's side. "As beautiful as ever."
Selphie said nothing, just smiled a little.
"Is it strange to be back?" Quistis asked, though Selphie knew she wasn't asking out of ignorance. Of course Quistis knew it was strange, but she was trying to start a conversation, her first real, in-person conversation with Selphie in a decade.
"Time's a weird thing," Selphie said, putting her hands behind her back. "We're so old. How'd that happen?"
Quistis chuckled. "I wouldn't call twenty-nine old, Selphie. But I do know what you mean. We were only teenagers in the war. I felt older than that then."
"Me too," Selphie said. "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Or neither! Both!" She sighed and then turned to Quistis. "Hey, Quistis?"
Quistis was still looking out lovingly over the plains, the tiniest of smiles tugging at the corner of her mouth. "Yes, Selphie?"
"I'm . . . sorry I was gone so long," she said quietly. She put one hand on the railing and squeezed it. "I wouldn't have been if I didn't really . . ."
"It's okay, Selphie," Quistis said, turning her head and giving Selphie a tender look. "You don't have to apologize for anything." Her gaze remained on Selphie for a few, long moments, then she looked back out over the landscape, the still same serene look on her face. "All that matters is that you're doing well."
It wasn't phrased as a question, but it was one. Selphie thought about it a moment, thought mostly about her time at the orphanage and on the Ragnarok most recently. It was strange to find peace in one of the things that had previously caused her so much pain, but that was the truth of it. If she had thought of Seifer even just several months ago, the image would have caused her uncontrollable anger, but now as she thought of his face, it prompted a smile.
So weird.
"Yeah, I'm doing much better," Selphie said.
"I'm glad to hear it," Quistis said. She put a hand on Selphie's shoulder. "I understand if you want to rest before we get into the mission. You've been gone a long time; there's probably a lot to catch up on personally."
Selphie nodded. "Right. Tomorrow?"
Quistis smiled. "Tomorrow sounds perfect. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."
Because you know I always do. Selphie saluted and smiled. "Will do!"
The rest of her first day back had been quiet. She'd seen Squall in the hall, they'd talked for a few minutes, nothing too intensive—of course, it was Squall. But he was busy and he'd gone on his way.
A few people came up to Selphie, asked how she was doing. Some of the junior classmen were all grown up, and at first, Selphie didn't recognize them. But it made her happy seeing them again, especially finding out who had passed the SeeD exam like she had ten years ago. Others avoided her, but she was more than fine with that.
When she'd gone to bed that night, she realized the grey lump was the smallest it had ever been since its birth, and the claws, though still there, only hung on loosely, like a backpack.
She had no nightmares that night, not even about Trabia.
The mission briefing was just four people: Squall, Quistis, Xu, and Selphie. Everything went smoothly until Quistis asked Selphie just who she wanted to join her task force.
"Nida, of course," Quistis had said. "Do you have any other ideas? We have a lot of good people at Garden, many of them you probably don't know. You've mostly interacted with non-Garden personnel in the most recent years."
"True," Selphie said. "But . . ."
Everyone looked at her, waiting.
Selphie gave a nervous laugh. "Well, I do have one idea of someone who'd be good."
"Who is it?" Squall asked, and from his tone, Selphie could almost believe he suspected who it was, but that was literally impossible. It just made the whole thing all the more—Ha, ha, interesting? Exciting? Ironic? Oh, boy.
She put her hands up. "All right, now, don't immediately get all crazy or anything. I have good, solid reasons for choosing him!"
"Choosing who?" Quistis urged.
Clearing her throat, Selphie glanced away a moment and then said, "Seifer."
Selphie experienced a silence she never had before. She found it both exhilarating and slightly terrifying. The other three stared at her, each with a completely different expression. Xu seemed thoughtful, Squall looked like he'd seen the ghost of Ultimecia rise up, and Quistis seemed a mixture of both confused and suspicious. Convincing them would probably be more challenging than Selphie had predicted, though why she had even thought it'd be easy in the first place was beyond her.
My good, old optimism coming back, I suppose.
"Same Seifer, if you were wondering," Selphie said. "The Almasy one."
"I think we're all on the same page on that account," Quistis said, holding up a hand. "I think the question we're all wondering—" She paused, lowered her head a moment, and then brought it back up. "Questions we're all wondering is why and how you . . ." She stopped again, but this time didn't try to start up again, instead deferring to Squall for help.
Few things made Quistis unable to find words, and it seemed Seifer was one of them.
"I didn't even know he was alive," Squall said.
"No one really did," Selphie said. "Well, except for Matron and Cid. Seifer stops by there every summer to fix things up and stuff. I was just as surprised as you are, believe me. And I still think it's weird that we . . ." Now Selphie was at a loss of words. That we what? Am I just making things up? He did just leave without saying goodbye, and I thought we were . . . Ugh, I don't know. Maybe it was just me who thought something was happening . . . Whatever that may be.
Quistis furrowed her brows in concern and pushed her glasses back up her nose. "Are you two on good terms?"
Selphie opened her mouth and then closed it. She blinked a few times, then finally said, "Kind of?"
"Kind of?" Xu said, tilting her head to the side.
"I haven't had time to really write a report," Selphie said.
"I wasn't expecting one," Quistis said. "And I still don't. But it is important that we understand just what happened or is happening with Seifer."
Squall folded his arms and looked away.
"Well . . . Er . . ." Selphie rubbed the back of her neck. "I don't know, we got friendly a little. He's a lot different than he used to be. And I really think him being on this task force would be a good idea!" She curled her fingers into fists. "I'm serious, Quistis. You know me. I wouldn't just suggest Seifer for kicks and giggles."
Quistis sighed. "I can't just authorize a non-Garden member to join the task force, let alone someone who used to be an enemy of Garden. I know you're serious about this, Selphie, and if I weren't headmistress of Garden then perhaps it'd take less convincing. But there are dozens of students under my care who trust me, and I can't let someone into such a highly sensitive task force without something more than words."
Selphie clenched her jaw. "I know. And it'd be unfair of me to ask you as a personal favor."
"Personal favor?" Squall repeated, looking back. "Why does it mean so much to you? I know you spent more time with Seifer at the orphanage when we were young than most of us, but that doesn't change what he did during the war, the things he did then that personally affected you."
"I know, I know," Selphie said with a sigh. "And he and I have gone over that."
"Gone over it?" Quistis asked warily.
"Okay, well it was more than just that. But I . . . I don't hate him anymore. If you met him, you'd understand. He's not even the same person anymore. He's a completely different Seifer! If you would just let me bring him back here, you can talk to him yourself, and then I just know you'd approve him," Selphie said.
"What makes you think he'd want to?" Quistis asked evenly.
She wasn't being attacked, but part of Selphie felt like she was anyway. And for defending Seifer, of all things. What would he think if he could hear what she was saying right now?
Too embarrassing! He can never know.
"Selphie?" Xu prompted.
"He just needs some motivation," Selphie said. "I'm good at that. Let me go talk to him, let me bring him back here. He can at least come here, right?"
Quistis and Squall swapped a look that Selphie couldn't read. They'd been able to swap glances for more than ten years. Selphie wouldn't have been surprised if they were telepathically linked by now. She was a little envious. Being apart from them, from everyone, meant she knew them less than they all did each other. She was one step behind, and it would take more than one mission to catch up. But she was willing. She wanted to be able to just look at someone and share the same thought like she had back in the war, especially with Quistis.
Defending Seifer just put another wedge between them. But that wouldn't last forever. They just had to see him again, talk to him again, even if none of them were fond of talking to each other.
"I can grant him entry to Garden as a favor to you, but I can't make any promises of joining the task force," Quistis said.
Selphie wanted to kiss Quistis, but she controlled herself and just smiled. "That's all I ask. I'll get him here."
"She could borrow Ragnarok," Xu suggested.
A million exclamation points went off in Selphie's head, unattached to words. Her excitement at seeing her old friend was beyond that. "Then it'd take no time at all."
Quistis finally smiled, and that was when Selphie knew everything would be okay. Her smile had that ability. Even over a screen. Even in words on a page, because Quistis always made it apparent. It was the skill she possessed that Selphie hadn't seen in anyone else.
"All right, Selphie," Quistis said.
Even Squall was smiling, but it was different. He probably doesn't know how to feel.
"Thank you," Selphie said, saluting. "Really, thank you. I won't let you down."
"You never have," Quistis said, and she, Squall, and Xu all saluted back.
And now, here Selphie stood with Seifer in Balamb Garden. The tenseness between Quistis and Seifer was palpable, but both of them seemed calm, considering. Hearing Quistis now say his name must have been a little bit of a shock for him. At his sides, his hand was a tight fist, and Selphie wished she could touch his arm and have him relax, but she kept her hands to herself.
"Quistis," he said back, probably in a more uncertain tone than he was hoping.
Quistis glanced at Selphie the tiniest bit, then spoke to Seifer. "So, you want to join Selphie's task force?"
Selphie stiffened, expecting him to explain just how he had been coerced into coming here.
But he surprised her, almost nonchalantly saying, "It's something to do that pays, isn't it?"
Quistis' eyes grew slightly dangerous, and her smile grew. "Of course. Shall we proceed to my office?" She gestured towards the elevator and they all began walking towards it. "Squall won't be able to join us, unfortunately. He has business in Balamb."
With Rinoa, Selphie thought. It was a good excuse to avoid seeing Seifer.
Selphie glanced at Seifer from the corner of her eye to see his reaction just as he muttered, "Wussing out again, is he? Typical."
Quistis visibly started, perhaps shocked that he would so easily mention something from before the war like that, but she said nothing about it at all, didn't even acknowledge it.
The elevator was even more uncomfortable, with Quistis and Seifer on opposite sides, as far away from each other as possible. Meanwhile, Selphie equidistant between the two, wondering if there was anything she could say, but considering how she herself was upon meeting Seifer for the first time since the war, she knew there was nothing she could do. Any lingering issues Quistis and Seifer had with each other could only be solved by them alone.
The elevator dinged when they reached the top level, and as they exited, Selphie grabbed Seifer's arm and pulled him aside. Quistis stopped a few yards away, enough to glance back and see what they were up to, but then she continued on to her office.
Selphie let go of his arm when she had his impatient attention. "Hey, before you go in there—"
"Wait, am I going in alone?" Seifer asked with a frown.
"Ha ha, well, you see . . ." Selphie bit her lip. "I should have mentioned earlier, like back in Winhill—"
As she stumbled over her words, Seifer's frown got progressively deeper until he looked like he was just holding back his anger.
"You're not approved to join the task force yet. Quistis wanted to assess you in person first, since it's so sensitive, and considering . . ." She pressed her fingertips together and looked away.
"Since I tried to blow Garden up, yeah, I remember," Seifer said.
Selphie was surprised she didn't wince. She looked at him again. "Anyway, so that's what this is, and I'll just be right outside. And if she approves you—she has to—then we can have our actual briefing and get to work."
Seifer sighed, but it seemed yielding. "Yeah, okay. Whatever." He turned away and followed after Quistis, who was waiting just inside the office. Once Seifer was in, Quistis nodded to Selphie and closed the doors.
A one-on-one conversation with Quistis so soon was probably one of the last things on Seifer's to-do list, if it was even on there at all. She was more understanding than most, but even then, she wasn't so cold and stiff that Seifer's actions in the war hadn't deeply hurt her like they had everyone else. Selphie had rarely seen her the blonde lose her cool, but the conditions in the headmistress' office at that very moment were ripe for it.
Selphie paced the floor for a little bit and then sat down in one of the benches outside the office. Unfortunately, the walls were completely soundproof, so she couldn't listen in to their conversation—not that she was especially prone to eavesdropping. She was just worried, for both of them. She knew it was hard for both of them: Quistis, having to maintain her professionalism as headmistress of Garden as she confronted the man who betrayed her ten years ago, and Seifer . . . well, there were too many things to list.
Did I just spring this on them? Does this make me a bad person?
Some time later, the elevator came back up and out walked Nida. "Hey, sorry, I got completely sidetracked with an old friend." He sat down beside her.
"It's fine. I didn't even notice you were gone," Selphie said.
Nida winced and chuckled. "That seems to happen way too often . . ."
Selphie blinked. "What do you mean?"
Nida waved it off. "Nevermind."
"Okay," she said easily and looked back to the office doors. With a sigh, she slouched down and looked at her hands. How long are they going to be?
The answer was three hours, three entire hours. When the doors finally opened, Selphie jolted out of her nap and jumped to her feet. First out was Seifer, who strode by without so much as a glance in Selphie's direction. She scrunched her nose in annoyance, but she was more interested in Quistis. The headmistress appeared a moment later, stopping in the doorway, arms folded, looking after Seifer curiously before she noticed Selphie was there.
"Did you wait here the entire time?" Quistis asked.
Selphie laughed nervously. "Maybe. So . . . how'd it go?"
Quistis' brow furrowed, then she gestured for Selphie to enter the office. Once inside, she closed the doors and faced Selphie. "All right."
For a moment, Selphie was silent, waiting for more; when the seconds got longer and Quistis said nothing more, Selphie finally asked, "All right what?"
"I approved him for the task force," Quistis said.
Selphie's eyes grew huge and round. "Just like that?"
Quistis smirked. "I . . . wouldn't consider three hours of intense . . . discussion with Seifer Almasy 'just like that.' It might be the most interesting three hours I've spent in years, and well used even if it was a little uncomfortable. Though, 'little' might be too weak a word."
"So . . . did it go well?" Selphie prompted.
"No one was yelling, if that's what you're asking," Quistis said as she ran a hand through her hair and gathered it all over one shoulder again. "We didn't talk much of specifics, and I suppose over the years I'd forgotten them anyway. I moved on, more than I thought I had. When I first saw him, I had planned for the entire meeting to go to hell. But I was calm." She looked up through the ceiling windows to the sky. "Much calmer than I expected. And so was he. A little stiff and prone to grunting, but calm. So different from the Seifer I remember."
Selphie smiled but hid it away as soon as Quistis was looking back at her again. "I'm glad," Selphie said with a little nod. "I guess I shouldn't have been so nervous. I mean, it's you after all, isn't it? Not like Zell had to approve him or anything."
"Or you," Quistis said, her eyes alight with interest, but otherwise unreadable as she gazed intensely at Selphie. "If you had first met him here in the same conditions, how would it have gone?"
An extended version of that night in the meadow ending with me kicking his ass from here to Centra, Selphie thought. "Probably don't want to think about it."
Quistis finally smiled, and it was accompanied with a little laugh. "Probably. Whatever the case, I mostly approved him for you. It was an intense three hours, but still not enough for me to truly see just how far Seifer has come. So I filled in the remaining blanks with my trust in you." She leaned forward a little. "And it was just enough that I feel comfortable doing that as headmistress of Garden. I may have to give Xu and Squall something a little more convincing, but I suppose it just takes time, doesn't it? And none of us have had that save for you."
"Thank you, Quistis," Selphie said.
But Quistis shook her head. "Don't thank me, Selphie. Thank yourself."
Myself?
"The mission briefing will be tomorrow at 1000 hours. I'll see you and Seifer there," Quistis said, suddenly in professional mode. She did it so easily, as if there was no transition to be had. She walked back to her desk and stood behind it. "If you need anything before then, please let me know. I'll be here."
Selphie nodded and turned.
"Oh, Selphie," Quistis summoned.
She hopped back around. "Yes?"
Sitting at her desk, Quistis' eyes softened. "President Loire called this morning. He was asking after you and I told him everything was going well. Everyone in Esthar is missing you, wondering when you'll be back."
Selphie gave a big smile. "Well, I miss them too. Maybe I should send them a message."
"I'm sure they'd like that," Quistis said.
Selphie gave a little bow and then left Quistis' office. No one was in the waiting room, so she took the elevator down to the main floor. Still no sign of Seifer. Humming, "Where'd you go?" under her breath, she made her way around the center, glancing down each branch hallway until she was back at the main entrance. With her hands behind her back and a disappointed frown on her face, she tried to think of all the places Seifer would have gone. Training center? Cafeteria?
That's when she heard someone calling her name. It wasn't Seifer, but someone else very, very familiar. The last time she heard it was on March 17th, the day she'd called to wish a happy birthday. She turned, a shocked, but pleased, expression on her face as she saw Zell Dincht running from the gates towards her, hands in the air, still wearing a pair of ugly, baggy shorts that she just absolutely adored because of who was wearing them.
"Selphie!" he cried again. He leaped high into the air, coming down right beside her. Before he gave her a chance to take him in, he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her into the air. "Aw, man, it's been too long!" He set her back down and then stepped back a little so he could take her in.
Of course she'd seen his face on a screen earlier that year, but that never gave a true indication of just what someone looked like. His hair was no longer spiked with gel like it had been years ago, but was shaggy and a little long, a few pieces settling over his vivid blue eyes peeking out. They were so much more dynamic and alive in person, and Selphie could hardly imagine how she'd lived with only the poor substitute the screen allowed her. His cheeks were less full, his jaw stronger, and smile lines already graced the corners of his eyes.
She probably looked much the same save for the hairstyle she'd only recently adopted. I haven't changed much at all, have I? Everyone aged like they're supposed to. Even Seifer. So what's up with me, huh? I don't want to be a perpetual 17-year-old. What's wrong with me, then?
"It's so good to see you again! Aww, I'm probably blushing, aren't I? Hyne." Zell laughed and then wrapped his arms around her, this time twirling her around a few times before setting her on her feet.
Selphie grinned and gripped his arms tightly. "But it's cute!"
That just made Zell blush harder. "Rinoa's gonna flip when she knows you're here. Actually here! Are you sure you're real?" He gripped her forearms, tightly.
"I'm real as you," Selphie said.
"I almost thought you'd never come back," Zell said. Before Selphie could apologize, he said, "I mean, I guess I can always visit you. We all could. Like Irvine. It always slips my mind, you know? Ah, geez, I could have been seeing you and Esthar all the time. Being a SeeD's tough work, though, you know? Of course you know!"
Selphie just giggled. "I guess we all just kind of got stuck in what we were doing."
Zell nodded vigorously.
"Hey, how'd you find out I was here?" she asked.
"I overheard some students who were visiting the bar," Zell said.
So not Quistis or Squall. Thanks guys. Not that I'm annoyed Zell knows. I think I've had enough time to settle back in enough. Seeing Zell first is perfect. He may be one of the purest souls I've ever met! She laughed when she thought that.
"Huh? What?" Zell asked.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just so happy to see you again," Selphie said. "So you didn't tell Rinoa?"
Zell slapped his face. "Aw, shit, no. I just came straight here. Literally, I heard it this morning and came right over."
"It's okay," Selphie said. "It'll probably be good to see her in Balamb before Seifer and I take off."
Now Zell looked like someone else had slapped him in the face. "Wait, what? Seifer?! You tellin me he's alive and here?"
"He's joining my task force," Selphie said proudly, jerking a thumb at her chest.
"Your task force?" Zell put his fists up. "To combat the bastards who bombed Trabia? Is that it? Why the hell is he on that? So he can make sure to finish what he started?"
Selphie frowned. "No . . . he's . . . he's different. He's not the bad guy anymore."
Zell's energy left him and he hung his head and arms. "Aw, man. Really? But . . . You know what he did, Selphie. And you're cool with him?"
"Mhm," Selphie said easily, trying to keep the lightness in the conversation. If she made one negative sound or word, Zell would just latch on to it. This way, she kept up the positive vibes. If she had to fight for Seifer with all the optimism and happiness her body could hold, she would.
WEIRD. WEIRD. WEIRD.
Zell uncurled and looked at her curiously. "You're one of the last people I expected to . . . Well, did you forgive him and all?"
Selphie nodded.
"Are you two . . . friends?!" he pushed further, eyes huge with disbelief.
Seifer would say no.
Selphie glanced away and then turned mischievous eyes onto Zell. "Yes, we are."
"Holy Hyne," Zell breathed. "Are you sure you're the real Selphie?"
She put her hands on her hips. "Yes, I'm sure, dummy. Stop asking that!"
"You want to go say hi?" Selphie asked.
Zell's face went white and he took a few steps back. "Say hi to Seifer? I . . . Say hi to Seifer. I don't . . . You really think . . . ?" His brows furrowed and he seemed to be seriously contemplating it. "Would you just say 'hello'? Or would it be more like—" He gave a curt nod to an imaginary person and said in an un-Zell-like, deep voice, "Seifer."
Selphie laughed. "I was just kidding! Sorry, sorry."
He turned round eyes onto her. "Oh."
"But seriously, he doesn't bite. He might call you Chicken-Wuss for old time's sake, but otherwise, I think he'll mostly try to avoid having to talk to you."
"Chicken-Wuss . . .?" Zell's face actually brightened. "Shit, he hasn't called me that in ages. I forgot about it. I used to hate it when he did that. Now it's almost . . ." He paused a moment, deep in thought, then he shook his head. "Nah, I could never."
Selphie tilted her head to the side. "You sure?"
Zell gave her a suspicious look out of the corner of his eye and then thought some more. "But . . . it's Seifer. I hate everything he does on principle. I gotta!" He looked at Selphie again and then sighed. "Aw, fuck. Are you the only one who's seen him?"
Now she shook her head. "Quistis."
"Do you think I really should . . ." He rubbed the back of his head and then laughed. "No way. No way! I'm not going to see Seifer. He has to come to me!"
"Done," Selphie said.
"W-what?" Zell flinched back a little. "Are you serious?"
"We can come visit you and Rinoa," Selphie said.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Zell said.
Selphie snorted. "Seifer surrounded by puppies and kittens? I think that's just what he needs. Me too. So will you let Rinoa know we're coming?"
Zell sighed. "Aw, I can't say no to that face."
"No, you can't!" she teased. "We'll see you there. Meanwhile, I have to go find where he skulked off to." She turned around, and a part of her wanted to turn back so she could just look at Zell because it had been so long, but they had time. Now that she was back, everything would be easier. Everything would be good.
"Well, don't look too hard," Zell said.
She looked over her shoulder. "You sure you don't want to help me look?"
Zell jumped and put his fists in the air again. "No way! I'm going to get some hot dogs while I'm here and then run back and find Rinoa. We should plan something awesome. Don't you worry!"
"I won't," she promised, sticking her tongue out for old time's sake, and then looked forward again. She put a hand high in the air. "I'll see you later today, Zell!"
She started forward and didn't look back over her shoulder until she was sure Zell was no longer focused on her. Her eyes followed him as she strode to the cafeteria happily and her body filled with warmth. The blue lump grew, bigger than the grey one for the first time. She rubbed her shoulder a little, wondering what was left to get rid of the claws and that dreary lump altogether. Whatever it was, it was close.
And Seifer has to be close, too. Where did he go? I wasn't even talking to Quistis that long. He couldn't have gotten that far.
"If I was Seifer, where would I go?" She hadn't had much time back in the day to observe him when he headed the Disciplinary Committee, so she didn't know his usual spots, if he had had any. But the modern day Seifer either liked the quiet, far from other people, or fighting monsters. There was a place in Garden where you could do both.
"Maybe I should play the part. Get into his head." She winced a little. "Okay, well maybe not that much." She closed her eyes and shook her head, clearing away any random thoughts until she could focus on her inner Seifer.
When she opened her eyes, a student was standing in front of her, staring at her in confusion. "Miss, are you okay?" they asked.
Selphie cleared her throat. "Trying to find someone."
"That guy in the leather jacket? He didn't look Garden," they said. "And I know everyone here, even the SeeDs."
Does that include me?
"That's the one!" she said. "You know where he went?"
The student pointed to the dorms. "Over that way."
"Huh. Thanks!" Selphie saluted and then headed off at a jog towards the dorms. The guest rooms weren't in the same wing as the dorms anymore, so Seifer was probably trying to find where he was going to be staying. No one had told him, as Selphie had been planning on showing him the way herself once his meeting with Quistis had concluded. But of course he had to go rampaging off. The walking muscle in action.
She slowed down when she left the main room. It got quiet, the sound of water faded away, and it was just the sound of her footsteps, clacking against the hard floor and bouncing off the walls. There was no one really around, most of the students in class at the moment, which made it easier to spot anyone. But as she turned down the hallways, she saw no one, especially no one in a leather jacket.
At one of the crossroads, she stopped to think.
A map would show him the guest rooms aren't here, so maybe he's already over there. How long ago did that student see him go in here?
She looked down each of the four hallways.
Unless . . .
Suddenly, she turned back the way she had come, this time turning down a hallway she hadn't been before. She walked up to one of the doors and stopped. There was no name card on the front, so no one was occupying this dorm room at the moment. Either it was coincidence or no one had wanted to move into Seifer's old room after he betrayed Garden.
Selphie knocked.
A few moments later, the door slid open and there was Seifer, staring down at her from the shadows of his room.
"Hi," she said.
He made a confused face, then turned around and retreated back into the room. Selphie followed, turning on the lights as she went. Since Seifer had never made SeeD, the dorm had two bedrooms, but he only went to the left one, the one he must have occupied. He stood just inside it, just standing there.
Selphie came up behind him and looked around. Like the rest of the dorm, his old bedroom was spotless, probably cleaned out soon after the war. There was a little layer of dust over everything, so the custodial staff probably didn't see it as a priority to keep up.
"If it makes you feel better, I haven't been to my old room yet, and my stuff's all still in there," Selphie said.
"I don't know why I came here," Seifer said in a low voice.
To Garden or to your room? She was too afraid to ask.
"This is the first time I've been here without Fujin and Raijin," he said.
Selphie still remained quiet, though again she was wondering just where those two were. They almost followed him to the ends of the world. And after the war, they had to have been there for him, to help him deal with the aftermath. Not that she knew them well, but they seemed the kind of people to do that. The kind of friends. And the way Seifer's voice trembled when he spoke about them, even that little mention . . . They were family.
"Hyne, I tried so hard," Seifer said. "Pathetic."
Me too.
"If I never ended up becoming somebody, then what was the point?" Seifer mused. "And now I'm just this guy who doesn't really do anything, who's just a bad memory."
Selphie looked up at him, but he was staring at something she couldn't see.
"I don't mind it," Seifer said. "Hell, I think I even like it."
"Minus the bad memory part, right?" Selphie asked.
The corner of his mouth lifted up. "I can't change that. But now . . . I don't know. It's different."
Selphie's lips parted somewhat.
"Quistis has changed—in a lot of ways," Seifer said. "But she's still the same Instructor Trepe at heart, isn't she?"
He was still smiling a little, and Selphie was amazed. He was thinking of Quistis and smiling? Quistis had said they'd both been uncomfortable those three hours, and she was good at reading people, so it must have been true. Still, it didn't seem to bother Seifer much now.
Was that really all both of us needed after all?
"Probably a damn good headmistress. Better than Cid," Seifer said. "Not that that's hard to do."
The right person to talk to?
"You know what I'm talking about," Seifer said. "You spent months with him and Matron. He's much better suited for there than he is here."
At least . . . to talk to first, before all the others.
Seifer shook his head. "This fucking place." He finally turned to Selphie and she blinked out of her thoughts to look at him. "How the hell did you convince me to come here?"
"I'm still not sure," Selphie admitted. "But I'm glad I did."
His eyes narrowed and he frowned at her. "Why?"
"Why what?" she asked, though she knew exactly what he was asking. She was just trying to put off answering because she had no idea of the real answer. It was baffling to her still, even despite how far they'd come from that night in the meadow.
"Why are you glad? You don't make any sense," he said, looking away again.
Well, that's true a lot of the time. "Everyone deserves a chance to redeem themselves." It was a safe answer, though too impersonal to satisfy Seifer. But at least it would hold him off until she could sort out her feelings.
"Really?" he said, less as an honest question and more as a sarcastic comeback.
But he didn't push her. Instead, he just turned. "Let's get out of here. This place is . . ."
"The past," Selphie said.
He eyed her in interest, but instead of answering, he just went out into the hallway. After a moment, she followed him.
"So, by the way," Selphie said, in a tone that had Seifer looking at her suspiciously, and honestly, almost in fear—I kinda like it. "We're going to Zell and Rinoa's tonight."
Seifer just looked at her.
"Er, are you going to say anything?" Selphie asked.
"I thought that was the start of a joke, so I was waiting for the punchline," he said.
Selphie smiled. "Nope, no joke."
Seifer rolled his eyes and started walking, probably in a random direction as they were heading the opposite direction of the exit. When he finally realized this, he stopped and spun around, his nose scrunched up in anger. "Where the hell are we anyway?"
"You'd think my memory'd be rusty too, but it's working just fine. How bout this? I show you the way out and you go to Zell and Rinoa's with me," Selphie suggested.
With bewildered eyes, he turned away, looking down the hall. Then he turned back.
Selphie just smiled at him.
"I can find my way out just fine," Seifer said, heading back the way they came.
"Sure, sure, I believe you," she said, following after him again. She stayed silent as they wandered the halls, her eyes on his back, watching how the leather looked as the lights shifted overhead. The sound of his boots on the floor was quite pleasing too. He walked with such purpose, as if he wasn't lost, as if he knew exactly where he was going and how to get there. If he wanted to retain his pride and not ask for directions, Selphie was happy to let him.
Of course he'd eventually find his way out. The place wasn't a maze. But it was entertaining.
Makes me feel seventeen again . . .
She was almost a little disappointed when they arrived at the main hallway, but she didn't let it show.
"I guess I'll have to go all by myself," she said, in an exaggeratedly dramatic voice. "I even have to go all the way there myself. There could be monsters or highwaymen."
Seifer stopped, and with an exasperated sigh that just barely masked a humorous puff of air, said, "What the hell you talking about?"
"And it's going to be dark when I come home afterwar—" She stopped suddenly when she realized she had said the word home. To anyone else, it was nothing huge, but she hadn't called Garden that specifically for a long time now, just a year or two after she'd finished rebuilding Trabia.
Nothing seemed off to Seifer, because he just said, "Selphie, I'm not going to see them."
He used her name again. Each time was always both a breath of fresh air and a weird slap to the face—not a bad slap, but more like one someone would use to wake you up.
"Okay," she said, suddenly quiet. "You're right. I shouldn't have pushed you. Wasn't right."
Seifer blinked and leaned back a little.
"You forgive me?" she asked.
But before Seifer, who actually looked afraid now, could answer, they were joined by Nida. "There you two are!" He stopped in front of them, doubled over to catch his breath, then straightened again. "There's been a new development. You both need to come to the headmistress' office right away."
Selphie's heart twisted. Oh, no. Please don't be another attack on Trabia. Not so soon. Please.
Xu and Quistis were already in the office when the three of them arrived, both staring with frowns on their faces at a large flatscreen on the wall. They were watching a recording of someone in all red with a white mask on saying something in a muffled, mildly threatening voice.
When Selphie was close enough, she caught the last part of the video: "Join us to end this blight. Garden must be cleansed. Let no one else suffer at their hand."
What?
"This is the holy path, and the holy path cannot be hindered."
The recording stopped, and when Selphie looked over, Xu was holding out a controller to pause it. She set it on a nearby table and shook her head. Quistis bowed her head and then faced the three newcomers.
"We now know who is behind this attack," Quistis said. "They're a group calling themselves Sanctus."
"Wait, Sanctus?" Selphie's eyes widened. Her mind traveled back, to the graffiti case in Esthar City. Of course she'd dealt with lots of graffiti; it was a given in a large city like that. But this had been purposefully targeted slander towards the Garden establishment. The world had been dealing with anti-Garden propaganda since the war, but until now, it had never been anything more than that.
She remembered precisely one piece in particular: the image of Alexander surrounded by a strange symbol and the word Sanctus. It meant holy, so she thought nothing of it, really. They'd found the perpetrators and let Esthar Police handle it from there: bigger fish to fry. At least, it had seemed so at the time. Now Selphie knew she should have known better.
Sanctus had killed Luna. Sanctus had killed two others. Sanctus had declared war on Garden.
I don't want another war. Her fists dug into her thighs. But I'll do what it takes. I can't let them get away with this.
"I want to watch the whole thing," Selphie said.
Quistis nodded to Xu, who rewound the video and pushed play again.
The masked figure spoke again, this time their voice sending chills down Selphie's spine: "People of the world, my friends. This is the first you've seen one of us. I know it's perhaps unnerving, a faceless entity speaking to you from behind a screen. But there is no need for fear. Me, and so many others like me, are bringers of light to all who live in darkness.
"For so many years our world has been contaminated by an organization known to us all by the name of Garden. For some of you, this is a place of good, or learning. For others, it is simply a defense against those who would try to destroy our lives. They defeated the Sorceress Ultimecia, an evil-bringer from the future. But Garden did not mind what they trampled on in their plight to destroy her. It was no Ultimecia who ultimately hurt us: Garden did.
"It is a place of learning, yes. Children are sent when they are very young to be indoctrinated to the way of violence. They are sent to learn destruction. Not to prevent it, no, but to employ it. Those who lived through the war know this. Garden sowed seeds of devastation in our homes, our cities, our people. For what? They care not for leaders and rules and the boundaries; they have become the world police, the world's army, but working towards only one goal: furthering their own reach, increasing their own power.
"It's easy to sit by and do nothing, to allow Garden this power. They also sowed fear in the war, and those seeds have grown. You see heroes because they want you to see heroes. The heroes that will always lend a helping hand to those in need, who then believe to own you when they are finished 'helping' you.
"But things are changing. A great wave of change is coming, one that even Garden cannot stop. Me and my family have come together from all over this beautiful world to end Garden, to stop its reign of power over the people of this planet. It started in Trabia Garden, as the whole world must know by now. We took its heart, and soon we shall take its other. And then we shall take its soul.
"We are Sanctus, the holy ones who will free this world and break the magical chains upon it. Join us to end this blight. Garden must be cleansed. Let no one else suffer at their hand. This is the holy patch, and the holy patch cannot be hindered."
The recording paused again, this time with an angry mash of the button by Xu. "I can't watch it again," she said.
Someone touched Selphie's arm and she blinked out of her catatonic state she hadn't known she'd been in. When she glanced over at Seifer, the only person it could have been, he was gazing intensely at the screen. She ran her hands over her arms and then said, "Is that the only message they've sent?"
"So far," Quistis said, sitting back on the edge of her desk. "It sounds like they're planning on attacking the other two Gardens as well. We'll have to be ready."
"So if one of them's the heart and one of them's the soul, which one is which?" Nida asked.
"Balamb's the soul," Seifer said.
Everyone looked at him, surprised to hear him speak up.
Seifer ignored that and continued, "Balamb's the only Garden you can become a SeeD. It's obvious that's what these assholes are talking about."
"I agree," Xu said, though from her tone, she hated to say those words.
"It is logical," Quistis said quietly. She pushed off of the desk. "We need to get Squall back here ASAP. Nida, get a message to him. I hope none of you have plans tonight. The briefing can't wait till tomorrow; the task force is setting out for Trabia tomorrow morning."
Selphie saluted, her body subconsciously reacting to the authority in Quistis' voice. Then her hand fell limply to her side. "Do we have time to go to Trabia? What if they're already on their way to Balamb or Galbadia Gardens?"
"We don't know what to look for until we thoroughly investigate the bombing at Trabia," Quistis said. "I know you've taken courses on explosives, Selphie; you have an affinity for them. I'll feel better knowing your eyes have been there."
In any other situation, Selphie would have grinned, but she was too sickened and angry to. So she just nodded. "Right."
Quistis looked to Xu. "Meanwhile, we need to gather any information on Sanctus we can, no matter how seemingly unimportant. The more information we have to work with, the sooner we can stop there from being more casualties."
"Contact Esthar," Selphie said. "Besides the usual anti-Garden propaganda . . . There was a case I finally wrapped up before I went to Centra. It has to do with Sanctus. We even arrested two people. It shouldn't be too hard to extradite them."
Quistis smiled a little and nodded to Xu, who saluted and left the room after Nida. That left just her, Seifer, and Selphie.
"Garden already has advanced security," Selphie said. "So how'd they sneak a bomb in?"
Quistis gave a heavy sigh. "That's what concerns me. So if the Gardens increase security even more, do we know if it will do any good? Unfortunately, until we know more, that's our best recourse. If they had people planted inside Garden already . . ."
Traitors? Selphie tried not to glance at Seifer, but her eyes took her there anyway.
Seifer glanced at her, and the way his eyes narrowed had Selphie wondering if he knew what she was thinking.
"Did Garden really do all that much damage in the war? We were trying to stop Ultimecia. She would have destroyed everything!" Selphie insisted.
"No one is free from being held accountable," Quistis said. "Without a living entity to pin the destruction on—Ultimecia—it falls to the other major player. It's unfortunate, but that's how it is." She rubbed the bridge of her nose and then walked over to a table that held a pitcher of water and some glasses. As she poured herself some, she said, "I've tried my best to undo the damage people blame Garden for, but . . ."
Selphie's eyes lowered then she walked over to Quistis and put a hand on her arm. "It's not your fault."
Quistis rested her hand on Selphie's. "I know, Selphie. Comes with the job, I suppose." She raised the glass to her lips and took a long swig. When she exhaled, she sounded less stressed, but of course it was only a momentary thing. "I'm glad you're here, Selphie."
"Of course," she said firmly. "There's nowhere else I should be." She looked over her shoulder at Seifer, but he was too busy looking at the paused recording, at the masked figure. "Seifer!" she called, and after a moment, he looked over. She gestured for him to come over, and after making an irritated face, he did so.
"Seifer and I will stop them," Selphie said once he was beside her.
Quistis glanced between the two. "I have no doubts about that."
Later that day
Everyone came together just as the sun was going down, seated at a long table in Quistis' office, Quistis at one end, and Seifer on the other. Selphie and Nida were down on Seifer's end, and Squall and Xu on Quistis'. There were a couple other SeeDs there as well, younger ones that Selphie remembered as junior classmen. It felt strange to see them all grown up now, only seven or eight years younger than her. One of their names was . . . Allas?
Seifer and Squall pointedly avoided each other's gaze, and Selphie knew this because she was specifically looking for how they'd interact with each other. It seemed like the answer to that was going to be: not at all.
"Everyone in this room has seen the message Sanctus sent this morning," Quistis started. And when everyone nodded, she put her hands on the table and continued. "I have asked Xu to collect any and all known information regarding this terrorist organization. From what little I have seen, they seem to be behind almost all anti-Garden rhetoric since the end of the war, originating from the city-state of Dollet."
Where I had my SeeD exam. We helped them against the Galbadian army!
Selphie looked over at Seifer and he was shaking his head, probably thinking about that SeeD exam too. That had been the first time she'd seen him since the orphanage days. They'd been complete strangers. But she hadn't minded him back then, before he joined Ultimecia. His energy and cockiness had been somewhat endearing, and that scar on his face somehow made him more—
Vigorously, she shook her head. What the heck, Selphie! She focused back on the meeting again.
"We've sent Esthar City a request to have certain prisoners temporarily transferred to our custody for this investigation," Quistis was saying. "We haven't received word back yet, but I expect a reply within the next 24 hours."
Quistis interlocked her fingers. "As for Garden, both Balamb and Galbadia, Squall and I have outlined new and extra security systems that will be implemented as soon as possible. These systems and the information Xu has gathered on Sanctus is included in the binders in front of you. Now, please note, that these specific documents are for your eyes only and are not to be shared with anyone outside this room."
After clearing her throat, she continued. "Squall and I will focus our efforts on Balamb Garden, leaving Selphie—" She gestured to Selphie. "—in charge of our mobile task force, known as Balamb Anti-Sanctus Unit, or BASU. She will be backed by Nida and Seifer; they three will have access to any resources necessary to help them achieve their mission, including Garden personnel, excluding any SeeDs currently on a contracted mission. I also grant them free use of Raganarok."
One of the SeeDs raised her hand. "Will Garden be mobile?"
Quistis glanced at Squall and then lifted her chin. "Garden will remain stationed here in the Alcauld Plains for the time being. If there is any change in this matter, you will be notified immediately."
Another one of the SeeDs spoke up. "Excuse me, Headmistress Trepe, but . . . Are there not any security concerns about the presence of Seifer Almasy on this task force?"
Seifer made an annoyed noise, and Selphie suspected it was because the SeeD was behaving as if Seifer wasn't sitting only a few seats away. And Selphie herself was a little miffed. If no one trusted Seifer, of course he wouldn't be in the meeting at that very moment. She almost stood up to answer for Quistis, but from the other side of the table, Squall's eyes locked on Selphie's and he gave the tiniest shake of his head.
"An honest question," Quistis said. "But I assure you, Asall—"
Asall! How could I have forgotten. Well, you know what, actually I don't mind so much now.
"—He has been thoroughly screened before acceptance onto this task force," Quistis finished. "If you have any further concerns, any of you, then please bring them to me at the conclusion of this meeting. I will be happy to discuss it with you."
Besides Selphie, Seifer shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but his face betrayed nothing.
"Now," Quistis said, moving on as if there had been no awkward interruption about Seifer, "each one of you has been assigned a particular task, which are found in your binders in greater detail. Study the information within thoroughly. The threat that faces us leaves little to no margin for error. All of you were present during the Second Sorceress War, and I'd say this organization may be as great a threat to Garden as Ultimecia was to the world."
Now everyone shifted uncomfortably.
"Before we start, I'd like to go over some specific information," Quistis said. "Or rather, Squall will."
At his cue, Squall got to his feet and stood beside the same screen they'd watched the Sanctus broadcast on. This time, it was a slideshow for the mission. "I didn't have much time, but this will get the point across well enough."
Beside her, Selphie noticed Seifer closing his eyes and giving a little shake of his head, a small, sarcastic smile on his face.
And Squall may not have had much time to put the slideshow together, but it was long. They sat in the office for nearly an hour and a half before Quistis dismissed them. As soon as she was out the door, Selphie had her binder open, devouring the first page of information after the mission title page.
"They did all that in six hours?" Seifer remarked, looking at his closed binder as he came to Selphie's side.
Everyone else filed out after them, Quistis and Squall and Xu deep in conversation. When they had gone down the elevator, leaving just Selphie and Seifer, Selphie snapped her binder closed and stuck it between her arm and torso.
"When Quistis and Xu put their mind to something, they're unstoppable," Selphie insisted.
Seifer smirked. "Why aren't they leading the Hynedamn task force then?"
"Because BASU is ours! You and me—"
"And me!" Nida added. Apparently he had not gone down the elevator with the others.
Selphie blinked. "And you . . . Right. Anyway!" She turned back to Seifer. "We're gonna kick Sanctus' ass, make them wish they'd never set foot in my precious Trabia."
"Right," Seifer said, raising an eyebrow.
She jerked a thumb at herself. "So, since I'm charge, you should probably call me Boss or something."
Seifer laughed, actually laughed. It was followed with a sarcastic, "In your dreams, Tilmitt."
"Tilmitt works just fine, too," Selphie said with a pleased smile.
Nida just looked at Seifer with huge eyes, expression frozen in place.
"Who the fuck are you, anyway?" Seifer asked, giving him a scathing up-down.
"I'm—" Nida stopped. "Oh, nevermind. I'll see you two downstairs." He gave a sad wave and then trudged towards the elevator with drooping head and arms.
Selphie rapped her knuckles against the binder under her arm. "Ready to do some studying before we shove off tomorrow morning? It'd probably go faster if we did it together. I always remember things better when there's someone studying with me. And I don't want to study with Nida."
"Wait. Who the fuck is Nida?" Seifer asked.
Selphie lifted a hand to point after Nida, but instead just waved it in the air. "Eh, it's not important. The real question is will you study with me?"
Seifer narrowed his eyes, like he was really thinking about whether that was a good idea or not. Eventually he sighed and looked away. "Fine. It's the only way I'm going to actually read any of this shit anyway."
"Great!" Selphie threw a fist in the air—the wrong one, and her binder fell to the ground with a slap.
She looked down at it and then at Seifer. When she had looked long enough, he said, "I'm not picking it up." Then he started towards the elevator. "If you really want to study this, you better come now or I'm heading straight to sleep."
"Hey, now!" she complained, swiping her binder up and running after him.
They chose a spot down in the back of the library where there were only two other students, both absorbed in their own dual study session. Selphie slapped the binder down and then opened it up to the first page she hadn't read yet. At the top, it read "BASU" so it was the perfect place to start anyway.
"All right!" she said, smooshing a finger into the first sentence. "This is BASU stuff for us."
Seifer's brows furrowed, but instead of saying anything, he just looked down at his own binder.
Selphie read out loud for the both of them, making sure her voice stayed between them. Occasionally, she stopped to pound her fist into the table dramatically or make a cutting remark directed at some faceless Sanctus member. Seifer stayed relatively silent during the first few pages until they really started getting into the specifics of the information collected by Xu about Sanctus.
"What the hell kind of people . . ." he muttered.
"And Dollet of all places, I know," Selphie agreed. "They seemed like such nice people. You know, normally, nice people don't kill other nice people."
Seifer looked up.
"Huh, look here," she said, pointing to another section. "If Esthar extradites those two Sanctus bastards we locked up, then we get to interrogate them for information! I've never actually interrogated anyone before, not in an official capacity." She grinned and kept on reading to herself.
Seifer read out slowly, "Possible recruitment of graduated Garden students . . . Or ex-Garden students."
"That makes no sense," Selphie said quietly. "If they're ex-Garden, then they knew how Garden really is. They'd know Quistis and Squall and Zell and me. They'd know Luna and other people they killed at Trabia. How could someone just do that? They had to have been brainwashed!"
"Brainwashed?" Seifer said.
"Totally. It all makes sense. How else do you become as creepy as that person in the video? No one in their right mind would actually join Sanctus, which means they're probably rounding people up and brainwashing them to join," Selphie insisted.
Seifer frowned. "Look, Tilmitt, brainwashing someone isn't as easy as you make it sound. I would know."
"That has to be it," Selphie said. "No one would just betray Garden to a group like that . . ."
He made a face, seemingly disagreeing with her, so she continued reading. "So here's all the equipment and resources we'll be starting with. Seems really good. I'm excited to use Ragnarok. All for me. Ahhhh." She sighed dreamily. "This is going to be so much fun."
Seifer slapped his hands on the table. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Selphie looked up quickly and blinked. "Huh?"
He looked away a moment then leaned forward, pointing at her. "Fun? What part of this is supposed to be fun? You know what, you're freaking me out."
Carefully, she closed her binder. "What? I'm just how I always am. There something wrong with that?"
The two students near them looked over, uncomfortable. Then after whispering to each other, they gathered their things and quickly escaped. For some reason, that made Selphie angry.
"No, that's not what I said," Seifer said, making a frustrated noise. "One second you're ready to just go out and fucking kill them and get revenge for Trabia, and the next you're just giggling and happy and—" He leaned back in his chair. "I don't know. Forget I said anything."
Selphie hands turned to fists. "I'm not . . . I'm . . . I'm fine. Do you expect me to be all depressed all the time or something? I got a job to do. I have people depending on me. I'm not . . ." She got to her feet. "You have no right to judge me!"
Seifer closed his binder with a snap and also got to his feet. "I've been judged from day one. You think it's tough being judged? Well, I hate to be the one to break your little fairy tale, but shit happens in life," he said quietly, but fiercely. His anger simmered just below the surface, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. "So for your info, I wasn't judging you. I was asking if you were doing okay, but you know what? Never mind."
Selphie's mouth opened to speak, but then she closed it.
After a moment, she whispered, "I'm sorry. I just . . . I don't know how I'm supposed to be . . . I'm . . ." She lifted her head and the tears she'd been holding back came to the surface, glittering around the edges of her eyes. "I don't want people to be sad because I'm sad. That's how I've always been. Last time Trabia was attacked, everyone tried so hard to cheer me up. Ever since then, I've tried to stay positive so they don't waste so much energy on me, you know? I don't want to be a burden to people."
Seifer didn't look at her, just stared off into the distance with tight shoulders.
"But I'm tired of doing that. It's exhausting, you know. So I don't know. I'm trying, okay?" she said fiercely. "That should count for something. You're the first person I've really talked to in years. It's hard for me to open up. So . . ." She sucked in a huge breath and then deflated and said, "I don't know."
She took a few steps towards him. "I just want to stop Sanctus. I don't want any more of my friends to be hurt because of them. And that includes you too, you know!" She pointed at him, as if in accusation.
Seifer's eyes lowered.
"I don't care if you don't think so," she said. "That's the way it is. And I'm sorry if because of that I'm acting weird around you. I'm sorry I'm freaking you out. That's the last thing I want."
Seifer sighed and looked over at her.
Selphie took a steadier breath this time and wiped the tears from her eyes. "If you want to study by yourself, I understand."
Seifer glanced behind her to the table, then back over to the library entrance. He chewed on his lip a little and then whispered, "Fuck," before sitting down again.
Huh? Selphie turned slowly, hands behind her back. Very carefully, she tiptoed back to her seat and sat down. She just sat there, staring at him. At some point, he must have felt her eyes on him, because he glanced up awkwardly and then looked back at his open binder. When he wasn't looking, Selphie gave a little smile and opened her own binder.
"Hey, Seifer?" she asked.
He grunted.
"Thanks," she said.
His fingers gripped one of the pages tightly, wrinkling it, but then he let it fall back gently and he tried to smooth it out. "Maybe I should read for awhile . . ."
She looked down at her matching page. "Sounds good."
The next morning
One night of studying did little for anyone, even Selphie, but she wasn't too concerned. Despite a slightly rocky sleep, she woke up feeling ready to begin the mission. Her outbursts to Seifer last night had been slightly embarrassing, but when she saw him the next morning as they made their way down the tunnel to Ragnarok, he seemed his usual self, or at least, what she thought was his usual self.
She knew he hated talking about feelings. So did she, if for different reasons. The fact that he hadn't just walked away seemed like a good sign. They confided in no one but each other. Or, at least, that's how it was seeming to be. It made sense in a way, because neither of them were burdened by each other's issues, really. It was mostly just awkward.
It had felt good to get it out, regardless of the circumstances. She'd known she'd been acting a little weird since the announcements of Trabia's attack. For the past few months, her control had been slipping more and more until now when she was finding it difficult to find any control at all. Last year even, she would never have blown up at Seifer over his words, or whoever had said them. She would have laughed it off somehow, spun it away from her to keep them from worrying.
Quistis and Squall gave them a send-off and then Ragnaraok was flying to Trabia. Seifer stood behind the pilot seat, arms folded, gazing out over the tiny landscape, and Nida was in a chair beside Selphie, eyes alight, looking happy for no particular reason at all.
"How long till we get there?" Nida asked.
"Just under four hours," Selphie said.
Nida glanced between the two. "You two study up real good last night?"
Seifer said nothing, so answering fell to Selphie. "You know me and studying." You know me and everything. Have to if you've been floating around by my side for nearly ten years straight. Huh. I don't know much about you at all except you're really good at hovering.
"You're right, I do," Nida said and looked out the windows again. "Can I give it a go again?"
Selphie's hand instinctively tightened on the controls. She'd been so looking forward to flying again, and though there was plenty of time for both of them to fly, she was reluctant to give up so soon. "I . . ." She shook her head. "Sure, why not?" She temporarily put it into autopilot, a function she hardly trusted for very long, and then hopped out of the seat.
Nida slid into her seat. "So much better than steering Garden. Thanks, Selphie."
"No problemo," Selphie said, putting a hand on the back of his seat.
"I'm really glad you're with us, Seifer," Nida said.
At the mention of his name, Seifer made the tiniest of movements. There someone was again, using "glad" and his name in the same sentence. It looked like it was still surprising, even after how friendly and accommodating both Selphie and Nida had been to him.
Nida moved his head slightly in her direction, still keeping his eyes forward. "I almost wish you'd been here to start with. Not to be so frank, but you've helped Selphie in the past few months more than I have in the past ten years."
Selphie's face grew warm and she pointedly avoided looking at Seifer.
"Is that so?" Seifer replied, his voice completely unreadable. If anything, he sounded a little uninterested, but that seemed wrong.
"Sure, sure. Dr. K assigned me to her—you—way back when. Only way she'd let Selphie—you—out in the field again," Nida said.
"What?" Selphie exclaimed.
Nida winced a little but still continued in a lighthearted tone. "I never told you because I didn't want you to be angry with me. But, I mean, everything seemed to turn out okay. Especially this year when you came along, Seifer." He held out a hand as if to gesture to Seifer, though it wasn't really pointed in his direction.
So Dr. Kadowaki told Nida. No one else? I hope not. I guess I don't . . . mind if Nida knows. I mean, he's Nida. Sneaky move. Humph.
"I'm going to go down below," Selphie said, still avoiding Seifer's eyes as she turned around and made her way out of the bridge. As she made her way down to the passenger cabin, she wondered if Seifer and Nida were going to keep talking about her in her absence. Probably not considering Seifer forgot Nida existed outside of ten minutes of being away from him.
Am I hoping they will? She walked over to the far wall of windows and stared out over the unhindered landscape. Is that why both Dr. Kadowaki and Quistis always insisted on making sure Nida did every mission with me? Why would someone just be fine with that? She paused a moment and then pictured several nondescript Nida moments from the past. Well, I guess I don't know what else he'd be doing, even if he is a SeeD.
I guess it's okay if it was Dr. Kadowaki worrying about me. That's her job. I haven't seen her in awhile. Didn't even stop by to say hello when I came back . . . Well, there'll be time later. She's not going anywhere.
Of course she saw right through me when we had that last talk.
Did anyone else?
She pulled her ponytail out and let her uneven hair fall around her shoulders. Ponytail is definitely a no go. Starting to drive me crazy. Is straight boring? I can't just do what I've always done, because . . . I'm too old for it, right?
No one will take me seriously if I keep acting like I always have. They did in Esthar mostly because, well, they have Laguna as their president. They're kind of used to it there. But everywhere else . . . I gotta change, don't I? Can't stay . . . stuck in the same place I've always been.
Another image appeared in her mind, the dark void of time compression. She was still there, even now, even if she had been better able to push it to the edges of her mind the past months. Someday she'd finally cast it off, cast off the claws still hanging on her arms and her neck. Someday that grey lump would be gone forever, or at least tiny and small, long since past having any influence, staying more as a reminder.
And Irvine. I'm still stuck with him, too, aren't I? Still awkward, and I know it doesn't have to be like that. I just gotta talk to him, make an effort. Stop avoiding everything.
That's what I've been doing. Keeping busy, avoiding everything. I thought it was the solution, working nonstop. And I don't really want to take a break, but I got to do it for the right reasons. Like what I'm doing now. It's different.
Everyone's moved on but me.
What will happen to Garden? Will I still have it when all this is over?
Do I . . . still need Garden? I don't need Garden to have my friends.
The ocean beneath them passed by quickly, a shimmering blanket of sparkling blue and gold in the nearly-midday sun. They passed over a grouping of fishing boats, and Selphie wondered how Fisherman's Horizon was doing. She had liked it there, the ocean on all sides and constant gull calls, even if the people were a little standoffish. When the mission ended, maybe she'd visit. Now that she was losing her self-imposed shackles, other places sounded good again.
I've never tried actual fishing. That could be fun. This time I won't show up in a giant death robot machine.
The doors opened behind her and she turned around, expecting Seifer. The universe did not let her down. He came in rubbing the back of his neck. "He never stops talking," he complained.
Selphie laughed a little and then looked out the windows again.
"The way he talks about you, you'd think he was in love with you," he muttered.
"Ha! Nida? In love with me?" Selphie gave a bigger laugh this time.
Seifer gave her an almost chastised look. "What's so funny about it?"
"Oh, Nida's not into girls," Selphie said. Oh, wait. I guess I know that too? What else do I know about Nida? Huh.
"I guess you would know, spending ten years with him," Seifer said. "How the hell have you made it this far without going crazy?"
"Ha, well, I mean . . . He's not actually that bad to be around. I always know I can rely on him, I guess," Selphie said, the words revelations to her as she was saying them. She'd never really thought about it before, especially since no one talked to her about Nida. "And, I mean, he's always happy, right? Genuinely happy. That's kind of nice."
Seifer smirked. "Yeah, I don't know. He's always just there. Freaks me out."
"Well, at least I'm not the only one," Selphie said.
Seifer's eyes widened a little, but before he could say anything, Selphie began heading back to the door. "I should go take over again before he gets too comfortable. By the way, you can't tell him what I said, okay?"
She waved a hand in the air and then both left and escaped. Though, it was nice to have a normal conversation with Seifer about really nothing at all. They were her favorite kinds of conversations.
Funny it should be about Nida.
Seifer will probably forget about him in twenty minutes. Ha ha. Calls up to the bridge asking who else is on the ship with us.
Selphie stopped in front of the bridge door. I'm glad I'm with them. Both of them.
A few hours later
Preceded with a five-note jingle, the intercom came to life and Selphie's voice announced, "We will be setting down at Trabia Garden in ten minutes! Thank you!"
The door opened almost immediately and Seifer came through. "Thanks for what?"
"I don't know!" she said. Her eyes narrowed as she focused on the terrain ahead. Trabia had always been settled in rather unfriendly territory, what with the snow and the rocks and the mountains, and not to mention the multiple blizzards that blew through every few weeks. Luckily, with spending so much time in Trabia, both as a student and as a SeeD, she had grown immune to the effects. She piloted through the snowy gales, looking for a sign of the Garden.
A moment later, it came into view behind a giant, icy rock formation. Warmth filled Selphie's heart, spreading to her fingertips and toes. There were few sights to rival this one, the giant citadel in the snow. And after the reconstruction, it looked even more glorious than when she'd been a student there.
Beside her, Seifer's whole body stiffened. He must have been thinking of how, with his help, this beautiful place had been nearly just a pile of rubble.
As they moved in closer, however, the warmth slowly seeped out of Selphie. There it was, the gaping wound at Trabia's heart. The headmistress' office had sat right at the very top of Garden, and despite its heavy shielding, now lay black and bare. They'd only planned for external attacks, not an internal one. It wasn't the same before at all, but the same feelings overcame Selphie, and her shoulders came forward, her whole body curving inward like a spider about to die.
It could have been worse. It could have been worse. It's been worse.
But that didn't help, not that she was unsurprised by it.
She focused on piloting Ragnarok, and once they got in close enough, the destroyed office was no longer visible. Being out of sight was enough for her to set the ship down securely. Once down, the engine fading to a grumble and then nothing at all, Selphie just sat in her seat, head bowed. The lights in the cabin turned off, and with the light outside, they were both cast into grey.
The door opened and Nida's footsteps clanked against the floor. "Are you two ready to disembark?"
"We'll be there in a second. Just wait by the exit ramp," Seifer said.
"Understood!" Nida said. The door opened and closed, and then it was quiet once again.
Seifer never said anything, just waited by her chair.
She stared down into her lap, eyes heavy with silent tears. Occasionally, a sob racked her body so hard she couldn't keep still, but at least she never made a noise. Even now, she didn't want to cry in front of Seifer. She hated crying in front of anyone. And she had already made him bear witness to her tears too many times.
Everything will be fine. Everyone will be so happy to see you, Selphie.
Right.
She made tight fists and then let her fingers relax. She used them to wipe away any remaining tears, and once enough time had passed, her head lifted and she got to her feet.
"Ready now?" she asked, as if they'd been waiting for him this whole time.
"Yeah," he said.
She gave him a longer glance than usual, nodded, and then made her way off the bridge. Nida was waiting by the boarding ramp with his bags, a huge fur-lined winter coat on. Selphie smiled and stopped at his side. "You're not going to need that once you get inside."
Seifer finished the trio when he finally joined them, and they all looked out over the snowy ground between them and the Garden entrance.
Here we go.
