We can make a difference here
Just close your eyes and take this hand, my dear
Just hold your breath and let me dry your tears
All you've got to do is believe

(Asking Alexandria - Believe)


Remus

Weeks went by and with each day it seemed, the sky became darker and darker. News got to Hogwarts of attacks and accidents and fights and missed people and dead people.

It was the beginning of the holidays, the last Christmas they would ever have together at Hogwarts and the Marauders sat by the fire place in the Common Room, talking about their plans for the future.

»What have you planned after school, Moony? «, James asked.

»There's not much I can plan, is there? I mean, I'd love to be a teacher but that's impossible. No one's going to hire a werewolf. Not even Dumbledore. Or maybe he would but he couldn't. So I will have to get a job somewhere in the Muggle world. What about you? You and Sirius are still going to do the Auror training? «, he asked and both James and Sirius nodded.

»Jep. «, Sirius said, popping the 'p' at the end. » Pete? «

»I think I'll just take over my dad's shop. Someone has to and Lauren's in Greece with her husband and Mary and Greta are too young and dad's not really coping well with mum being gone and he has to look after the girls an all that. I think he'll be happy for the help. «. Peter's dad had a little shop in a side street of Diagon Alley called 'Pettigrew's Plant Paradise' which was the main reason why Peter was so good in Herbology. He had an older sister and two younger ones who weren't even attending Hogwarts yet.

»Ah, well…I wonder how long it'll take until hell breaks loose. I mean, Voldemort's followers are being pretty subtle but I suppose that won't stay like that for ever. «, James said and they all nodded in agreement.

»Rumour says that there is some kind of underground movement. Sort of a resistance that fights against the Death Eaters. D'you that's true? «, Sirius asked.

»Maybe. Maybe not. «, Remus answered. »The thing with rumours is that you can never be sure. Would be nice, though. If it was true, I mean. «

»It would, yeah. «

»Listen, I think I'm going to bed. Tomorrow's the full moon and I'm knackered. «, Remus explained and stood up. That had been, of course, the other reason while all his friends had stayed over the holiday, although none of them had actually said it. They didn't need to. Remus lay down on his bed and closed his eyes and was soon fast asleep.

Remus sat naked in the Shrieking Shack. Sirius' words still echoed in his mind, he could still see his face. The anger, the hurt, the tears. Remus felt the moon rising, he knew that he hadn't much time left but he didn't get up. He was scared. For the first time in years he was scared of the transformation because this time he would be alone. He had told his friends to stay away and he knew that they would. James had always respected his wishes, Peter was probably glad that he didn't have to be there because he was scared of the wolf and Sirius – Sirius would have probably stayed away no matter what Remus had said. There was no reason for him to come, on the contrary he had a hundred reasons to avoid Remus and the wolf and that made Remus even more angry. He could feel the could rage of the animal inside him, he knew that this would be one the worst transformation he had ever had. Maybe it kills me, he thought and it was strangely comfortable thought. Maybe –

He winced. He felt his skin tear apart. His entire body was on fire. He pressed his lips together so he wouldn't scream.

He couldn't see.

He couldn't hear.


Sirius

Sirius woke up, shivering. He was cold. He blinked and tried to orientate himself. He was not in his bed. He was not even in the dormitory. He lay on the cold, hard ground in a dark room and – the memory hit him like one of James' Bludgers. He was in the Shrieking Shack. And the pile of clothes on the bed was Remus, hidden under blankets and Sirius' cloak, which would also explain why he has so damn cold. Sirius got up, he had lain right next to the bed and now he sat down on it and watched Remus' sleeping face, or at least the bit that was not hidden under several layers of fabrics. The moon last night had been a good one. Moony had been playful but not too active, the had run through the forest for a bit but then had returned to the Shack early because the wolf had almost fallen asleep at one point. Remus opened his eyes.

»Morning Moony. «m Sirius said and smiled at his friend.

»G'morning Pa'foo'. «, he mumbled.

»How do you feel? Anything that hurts? «

»'m fine. Stop fussing. «

»No. «, Sirius simply said and helped Remus to get out from under the blankets. »Please, let me see if you're hurt. «, he asked, moving closer to Remus, whom let him. »That doesn't look too bad. Shall I? «

»No. Pomfrey will be here soon and she'll get suspicious if there's nothing to fix at all. «

»You're right. You're always right, Moony. «

»Not always. «

»What were you not right about then? «, Sirius asked with a challenging look and Remus answered. He answered although he knew he really, really shouldn't. He answered although he was in pain and he felt like most of his brain was still somewhere in the Forbidden Forest.

»I was wrong about you. «. he whispered without looking at Sirius.

»What d'you mean? «

»Nothing. I was just wrong. «

Sirius frowned. Remus could tell he was thinking hard about what Remus could possibly mean by that.

»Come here. «, he finally said and Remus obliged. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' bare torso and buried his face in his neck. Remus tensed slightly but soon relaxed into the touch. They both pulled back, carefully, just enough so their noses where almost touching, a smile crept over both their lips.

»Merry Christmas, Moony. «, Sirius whispered.

»Merry Chrismal, Padfoot. «, Remus replied and then there were kissing. Sirius did not know whom had moved forward or whose lips had parted at first, all he knew was that this was good and wrong at the same time; this was what he wanted, what he had longed for but had also dreaded. Their bodies moved in perfect unity. Their hearts beat as one. CRACK. Remus and Sirius jumped apart. From somewhere downstairs, Sirius could hear steps, his eyes widened and he looked at Remus; his hair was a mess, his lips red and swollen.

»Go. «, Remus hissed and Sirius acted almost immediately. He grabbed his coat from the bed and vanished under the Invisibility Cloak; only seconds later there was a knock at the door.

»Remus? Remus are you awake? Can I come in? «, Madame Pomfrey asked and Remus quickly ran his hand through his hair and wrapped himself back into the blankets before he answered, »Yes it's alright. «. The door opened and Madame Pomfrey came in to take him to the Hospital Wing, leaving Sirius behind. Shit. He thought. Fucking, buggering, sodding bollocks! He had not meant that to happen. He had not. He had -

»No. No, I could never hate you. «, Remus admitted.

Sirius shifted a bit and then, suddenly he was kissing Remus. He drew back and smiled. »I could never hate you either Moony. «

Sirius sat on the floor of the Shrieking Shack and he remembered. Why had Remus not said something? They had kissed again and he had not said a word? Probably because he doesn't want to kiss you. Why would he? Said the voice in his head, that somehow sounded a lot like his mother; Sirius scowled. He was angry at himself for being so entirely stupid. Of course Remus wouldn't want to kiss him, he probably just wanted to forget. Sirius should want to forget; the only problem was that he didn't. He wanted to remember. He did remember. He remembered everything.

»Sirius? «

»Huh? «

»What are we? «


Remus

He lay in one of the beds in the Hospital Wing, starring at the ceiling. In his mind he could see Sirius kissing him, over and over and over again. It had been a nice kiss. An honest kiss. It had been everything he wanted. It could never again, Remus decided.

»Happy Christmas Moony. «, Peter said as he walked in. He, James and Sirius stood in the door of the Hospital Wind and smiled at Remus and Remus noticed that Sirius looked flustered.

»How are you, mate? «

»Pretty good. Must have been a good moon. «

»It was. «

»Oh, before I forget. «, said James and pulled put a big package from his bag. »Presents. «, he handed it to Remus who rolled his eyes but was secretly glowing from happiness. Slowly, he opened his present. It was a trunk with a little tag, saying 'Professor R. J. Lupin'. Remus stared at his present for a while, unable to speak.

»Open it. «

Remus did. Inside were a bag full of chocolate which must be from Peter, a photo album with every photo that had ever been taken during their years at Hogwarts, Remus was sure was James' doing and a necklace with a small marble. Remus took a closer look and saw that it wasn't just any marble; he could see the night sky in it, or more precise, one certain constellation. »Canis Majoris. «, he mumbled and his eyes fell on Sirius who had been watching him. Was it his imagination or did Sirius blush?

»We all know I'm your favourite star. «, Sirius joked. There was no sign of a blush on his face now and Remus was sure that he had imagined it.

»Thank you. «, he said and looked back onto the trunk.

»How did you get in here? My patients need rest. «, Madame Pomfrey said as she walked in with a tray to bring Remus his breakfast.

»Now Poppy, it's Christmas. «, Sirius said and put on his most charming smile and Remus saw Madame Pomfrey's lips twitch.

»Oh, alright, but only because it's Christmas. «, she said and set the tray down on Remus' bed and launched into his bowl of porridge while Sirius snatched the 'Daily Prophet' from the tray along with a cup of tea. Remus always felt exceptionally hungry after his transformations. There was a splattering noise and Remus saw Sirius coughing frantically, eyes fixed on the newspaper.

»Alright there, mate? Don't kill yourself. «, James mocked but Sirius ignored him completely and continued reading. James looked at Remus, frowning and walked around Sirius to have a look at the newspaper. Remus set down his bowl and watched his two friends who both looked in horror at the 'Prophet'. »What is it? «, he asked.

Sirius looked up, a pained expression on his face. »I – er – I'm not sure you want to see this. «, he said but Remus raised an eyebrow and Sirius handed him the newspaper, reluctantly. He looked at the front page article and began reading.

The inexplicable has happened last night in a Muggle orphanage in London. Ten children are dead, 28 have been admitted to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. The Auror department has not yet given a statement, about what has happened but rumours are, that the Dark Mark has been seen right after the incident and that a pack of werewolves is to blame and not just any werewolf, but one, that is well known for his incredulously cruel behaviour. It wouldn't be the first time that Fenrir Greyback shows a special interest in children since we all remember the incident almost 12 years ago, when Greyback deliberately attacked the son of a member of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, whose identity will be kept anonymous.

However, these rumors remain unconfirmed and the Auror Department is currently busy with interrogations and will soon publish an official statement. The Muggles that have been at the orphanage last night have been taken in for questioning and their memories have been altered and it can be hoped that the person responsible will be found soon

Remus' mouth felt dry. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. He believed to feel tears running down his cheeks but he wasn't entirely sure.

»Remus. «, a hoarse whisper reached his ear but he didn't react.

»Remus. «

After, what felt like an eternity, he tore his eyes away from the article and looked at his friends. »This. «, he managed to say. »This is sick. «

»It is. «, Sirius said. He stepped forward and kneeled in front of Remus' bed. »It is. But Remus, we all know that Greyback is a monster. Look at what he did to you. «

»It doesn't matter what he did to me. Look at what he did to those children. «, he was definitely crying now and he felt utterly disgusted. Disgusted by Greyback. Disgusted by himself. »That could have been me. «, he whispered. »I could have done that. «

»No you couldn't! You would never do something like that. «

»Yes I would. When I would have been there last night, I would. I am a fucking werewolf, Black! Don't you get it? I know that you're not afraid of me but you should be. You should all be scared and you shouldn't be here and pity me like I've got it bad. You shouldn't be helping me. «

»Shut up! Shut the fuck up! That is complete bollocks and you know it. You are Remus John Lupin and you are a good person! You're better that any of us and, yes, once a month you become a blood thirsty wolf but so what? That doesn't make you bad. That doesn't mean you like Greyback because you're not. You're nothing like him! Greyback enjoys hunting people. He enjoys torturing them but you don't enjoy it. You lock yourself up in a little Shack all by yourself and shred yourself to pieces because you hate that part of yourself! Because you are afraid and disgusted by the wolf. We love you, Remus. All of you. So don't you dare shut us out now because we won't let you. We won't let you punish yourself for something that – that monster has done. «, when Sirius had finished he was panting hard and his eyes were glittering with tears but he held Remus' gaze and Remus saw that he meant every word of it. He looked up and saw James and Peter still standing at his bed and they, too had that determined look in their eyes, that said 'we won't take shit from you' and Remus felt again like crying. He was so happy to have these friends. So lucky that they loved him as what he was. I don't even deserve them, he thought but he didn't say it. He knew exactly what they would reply and it made him both happy and sad at the same time.


Sirius

New Year came and went and one by one, the students came back from their holiday and they all had only one topic to talk about: the werewolf attack. It was still not official that it was Greyback's pack but everyone was convinced of it anyway and no matter where you went you would always hear something like, »Bloody werewolves deserve to be put down, the lot of them. «, or »Fucking animals shouldn't be allowed to live amongst us. « and it hurt. It hurt to see Remus wince every time they heard something like that. It hurt to hear him lying awake at night and seeing the dark circles around his eyes. But especially it hurt to see Remus withdrawing into himself. He spent more and more time alone in the library. He disappeared for hours, without anyone knowing where he was and even vanished from the Map.

»It's not fair. «, Sirius said one evening as he sat with James at the fireplace. »It's not bloody fair that he blames himself. «. James looked at him in a rather strange way but said nothing. »D'you reckon we can do something? Help him to see that he's not a bad person? «

»I don't think there's much we can do, Pads. He just really hates himself right now and I don't think you fussing over him will do much help. «

»I wouldn't fuss - «

»Yes you would. You do. He doesn't want our help. You can't help someone that doesn't want help, Sirius. All we can do is be there in case he needs us. «

Sirius stared at James. How could he be so calm about this? »It's not bloody fair. «, he grumbled frustrated. He missed Moony. His Moony. The funny, witty, sarcastic and quiet Moony he loved. As a friend. Because they were friends. Nothing more. Never were, never will be anything but friends.

»Sirius? «

»Huh? «

»What are we? «

Sirius closed his eyes. Don't think about that, he told himself. Not now.

»Sirius? «

»Huh? «

»He'll come around. «, said James and smiled at him. Sirius smiled back and wished he could believe his best mate. He really wished he could.


Remus

»Sirius? «

»Huh? «

»What are we? «

Remus was in the Room of Requirements. It looked very much like the library except that it had a very comfortable sofa on which he had sat for hours now. He had found the room by accident while searching for a place where he could be alone. Truly alone. He liked it. He knew that his friends couldn't possibly find him here because the room didn't show on the Map and he really didn't want to be found. He just wanted to be alone. His thoughts kept spinning. It was all too much. Sirius. The Kiss. The attack. The comments about werewolves. The upcoming N.E.W.T.s. Remus groaned. He had only a few months left and he hadn't even started with his revisions. An only too familiar feeling of fear started creeping over him. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeply.

»Sirius? «

»Huh? «

»What are we? «

He opened his eyes again. He would not think of that now. He would not think of that day. The day it all went down. Remus sighed and got up. Maybe he should go back to the Common Room before he had any thoughts that he would regret later.

In the Gryffindor Tower he saw James and Sirius sitting by the fire place but he simply ignored them and went upstairs to their dorm. A few minutes later a highly upset Peter came in, followed by James and Sirius who were both frowning.

»I'm so sorry, really, I swear I didn't mean to – it just happened. «, Peter stuttered.

»Whoa, calm down Wormtail. What happened? «, James asked.

»I – er – You know…I was just meeting up with Lydia and I had the Map and then Filch came and – and - «

»And? «, James asked while Sirius said, »Who's Lydia? «

»No one. «, Peter said quickly but Sirius grinned wickedly.

»Pete you sly rat. Who is she? «

Peter's was deep red now as he tried to answer but James stopped him, »Doesn't matter, Sirius. And what, Peter? What happened? «

»Ilostthemap. «

»What? «, all three friends asked at the same time.

»I – I sort of…lost…the Map. «, Peter mumbled and stared at the ground.

»You what? «, Sirius burst out.

»I was meeting with Lydia and I had it and then Filch came suddenly and it was still in my hand and Lydia was scared of Filch so I helped her get away but then I had no time left to put it into my pocket and he confiscated it. It was already blank, though. He can't read it. «, He quickly added as if that would make it alright. James, Sirius and Remus gaped at Peter; Sirius was the first one to regain his ability to speak. »Let me get this straight. «, he said, his voice a dangerous whisper, »You lost the Map. Our Map. The Marauder's Map. Over a fricking girl? «. Peter looked closed to tears now. He nodded and began to mutter apologies.

»It's alright. «, James said, patting Peter's shoulder.

»Are you mad? «, Sirius almost shouted. »It's not fucking alright, it's - «

»It's alright. «, James hissed with emphasis and shot Sirius a warning look who just glared back.

»Oh, fucking brilliant. «, Sirius muttered as he walked out again. James rolled his eyes and shook his head. His and Remus' eyes met and he jerked his head into the direction of the door. Remus nodded and followed Sirius; he found him outside as he was just entering an empty classroom.

»Hey. Can I come in? «, he asked and Sirius shrugged without looking at him. Remus entered and closed the door behind him. He hesitated for a moment, before sitting down on the floor next to Sirius.

»You're angry with me. «, he stated and Sirius snored.

»'m not angry. «

»Right. «

They sat in silence for a few more moments, before Sirius spoke again. »I'm not. I'm worried about you. You've stopped talking to us, you keep to yourself and I know exactly what you do when you're alone. «

»Do you, now? And what is that? «

»You think. «

Now it was Remus who snorted. He felt like they were always having the same conversations. It was always the same accusations thrown at each other and always the same responses. He was really, really tired of it.

»You're not going to say something about that? «

»What do you want to hear, Sirius? That it's better to think too much then not at all? That unlike you, I'm not afraid of my own mind? «, he asked. He knew that his voice sounded tired too, but he didn't care. »I'm not having this conversation again, Sirius. «

»So that's it then? «

»What do you mean? «

»You've got nothing left to say? «

»Not right now. No. «

»Right. Well, then you might as well leave. «. For the first time, Remus looked at Sirius whose eyes were closed but he knew, that if he opened them, Remus would see pain. Pain and sadness.

»I don't want to. «, Remus whispered and Sirius opened his eyes. There was trace of confusion now. »What did you say? «

»I said, I don't want to. I want to stay with you. «

»Why? «

»Because you're my friend. «

»Friend. Right. «