Stumble into you, is all I ever do
My memory's hazy and I'm afraid to be alone.
Tear us in two, is all its gonna do
As the headache fades, this house is no longer a home,
don't give up on the dream, don't give up, on the wanting,
and everything that's true.
(Placebo – Because I want You)
»Sirius? «
»Huh? «
»What are we? «
Sirius had his eyes closed. He and Remus lay comfortably on Sirius' bed in the dorm; now he opened his eyes and sat up a bit to look at Remus.
»Why do you always have to ask that? «, Sirius asked, his voice slightly annoyed.
»Because I need to know. «, Remus simply stated.
»Does it matter? «
»It does to me. «
»Well, I can't answer you. I'm sorry Remus but I don't know, okay? And I don't need to know. «
»What, so you don't care? «, Remus asked. He, too, was sitting now; his face showed hurt and anger.
»Don't make it sound so negative. «, Sirius said, his voice pleading. »Of course I care. I just don't want to put any labels on this. «
»Labels? «, Remus asked incredulous. »You think this is about labels? «
»I don't know what this is about, Remus. Why can't we just…be? Why does it always have to be about anything? «
»I just need to know what this is to you, Sirius. We both know how you are. «
»What is that supposed to mean? «, Sirius asked, his voice much louder then it needed to be but he was getting angry now.
Remus, too, was losing his patience, »What do you think it's supposed to mean? You don't think. You never do and you do stupid things. «
»Oh, so this is about me now, is it? And what is about you? You always bloody overthink everything. You overthink your actions before you do them. You overthink your words before you speak them. Hell! You even overthink your own fucking thoughts before you actually think them! «
»Well, I'd rather think too much then not all! «, Remus was now also rising his voice and they were both on his feet. Remus took a deep breath before adding in a calmer voice, »I don't want to fight, Sirius. I just want to know what this means to you because right now it doesn't seem like much. «
»How can you say that? «
»Oh, I don't know. «, Remus said sarcastically, »Maybe because of those blokes you're having up here all the time. «
» I thought we agreed - «, Sirius started but Remus cut him off, »No! No, we agreed on nothing. You agreed with yourself and I couldn't say no! «
»Well that is not my problem then, is it? If you can't bloody stand up for yourself! «
»No, I didn't want to upset you - «, this time it was Sirius who interrupted.
»Not upset me? And you think, this doesn't upset me? Yeah, you're right Remus, I'm having the fucking time of my fucking life here. See, that is exactly what I mean. You always think, think, think before you do anything but all you would have to do is bloody ask! «
»It doesn't work like that Sirius! «
»Yes it does! You'll never get anything unless you ask for it or you just take it! «
»Just because that is what you always do, doesn't mean that everyone has to do it! «, Remus was outright furious now, how could Sirius be so ignorant?
»Urgh! «, Sirius groaned in frustration. »Everything always has to be bloody reason with you. Let me ask you something, Remus. What would you do if you ever fall in love? Would you even do anything? Because that has nothing to do with reason! That has nothing to do with logic! It's all feelings and irrationality. Could you do that, Lupin? Could you say 'I love you'? I don't think you could. No, you would say 'I love you' and then there's a footnote and in the footnote, stands 'please note that love is a hormonal condition and is therefore bound to fluctuations. This is only a temporary estimation without entitlement, for further information, please contact my lawyer' and you know what? I'm fucking sick of it! «
»Coming from the person named 'Black'! «, Remus shot back, his face was deep red now. »You always think of yourself, don't you? Why won't you understand that it's not so easy for me? I'm a fucking werewolf! I can't just take whatever I want! I can't just love because no one wants to be with a werewolf! Why do you always seem to forget that? «
»Oh, I haven't forgotten. How could I? You wouldn't let me! «
»Then why won't you understand – «
»I do understand! Believe me I understand better than you think! I understand that you always reduce yourself to being a werewolf - «
»That is not true! «
»It is too! It's always about that one thing. Always! Like that was all there is to you, when it isn't! You're so much more than the wolf but you just can't bloody see that, can you? And you say you can't be both a werewolf and gay like it would make any difference! Like if you just admitted that you're gay, things would suddenly change! «
»And they would! It is so easy for you to say, isn't it? You, that never gives a shit about other people! Unlike you, I have a family to lose! Unlike you, I don't have a glorious future ahead! It's just so typical! You only see what you want to see, because that's easy! But life isn't easy, Black. It never was, it never will be! What do you think will happen once we leave Hogwarts? You and James will become Aurors or something like that because you can! Peter will probably help his parents in the shop because they want him to. But what about me? What can I do? If you honestly think there's even one wizard who will employ a werewolf, then you're even more naive than I thought! «
»Then why won't you let us help you? «
»Because I don't want your help! «
»Fine! «, Sirius said. He stepped back a bit and looked at Remus in a way he had never looked at him before. There was a trace of pity in his eyes. »Fine. If you're too stubborn or proud to accept help although you need it, then I guess you don't even deserve it. I'm done, Remus. I give up. I'm sorry. «, he said and turned around. When he had had reached the door, he stopped but didn't turn around. »And, Remus? I do give a shit. I give more then I probably should. «. And then he was gone and Remus stared at the open door, trying not to break down and cry because, really, what else had he expected?
