Then reality hits you like a stab in the back
Just like a slap in the face, a premeditated attack

(Arch Enemy – On And On)


Remus

It had been one month. One bloody month already that he had spent his time with a small pack in Russia. As it had soon turned out, the packs in England were all too scared of Greyback to do anything remotely related to opposing him and Scotland was known to be a werewolf free area except very view loners. The last few weeks at home had been horrible, to say the least. Every time he saw one of his friends it had been awkward and sad, the only exception was Lily who simply ignored the fact that he was about to leave and acted as if nothing was wrong; Remus loved her for that. His actual departure had been a relieve. He had said goodbye to his friends in advance so that he could just Apparate straight to Moscow. That had been almost five months ago.

Now he was living somewhere in the woods with six fellow wolves. No one trusted him but no one chased him away either and that, Remus mused, was definitely an improvement to his other encounters with packs. There was one especially nasty situation with an alpha wolf during the full moon that had left Remus half dead at the shores of a river; the cuts on his back still hurt like hell. This pack, however was more promising. Slowly, very slowly, they began to be a little bit less frosty towards him. All of his pack mates were Muggles, except for Hannah, the alpha wolf. Hannah was also the nicest of them all. She was young, only sixteen but Remus reckoned that she could probably fight a whole army of Death Eaters on her own and win. She was made of steel.

»Alright, everyone! We'll stay here for the night! «, she shouted when they reached a clearing in the trees. They set up a camp and made fire. Remus kept his distance like always and was surprised to find Thomas, the oldest member of the pack, telling him to sit with him and two of the others. Remus sat down and looked around. Next to Thomas sat Marry, a Spanish woman a bit older then Remus, her hand was clasped to her mate's, Jarred. Remus had hardly spoken to them but he was curious what they had to say.

»So, John. You're a quiet one, aren't you? «, Thomas asked but continued without waiting for an answer. »I'm curious, how come you've never had a pack before? Because it is quite obvious that you haven't. «

»Never needed one before. «, Remus said. He tried to stay calm because he knew that those people would detect nervousness in no time and he had absolutely no excuse to be nervous.

»Never needed one, indeed? And why has that changed? «

»You've ever heard of Lord Voldemort? «, Remus asked. Thomas frowned and shook his head »He's a wizard. A dark wizard, not exactly friendly towards werewolves, or any Dark Creatures at that. Anything non – Pureblood, he sees as his enemy. A lot of people have died because of him. «

»You're on the run, then. «, Thomas concluded.

»Something like that. I don't have anywhere else to go. I was looking for a pack to take me in when things got narrow but all the packs in England answer to Fenrir Greyback, a bloodthirsty, crude werewolf and follower of Voldemort. I didn't want that. «

»Understandable, but tell me, John, why are you really here? «, Thomas asked, his eyes narrowed and fixed on Remus. Remus held his gaze. He had to think quickly because this man was far more intelligent than he let on and Remus had made the mistake of underestimating him.

»Why would I be here? «

»You didn't just stroll around, looking for a pack. You haven't been shunned from society. I can tell that you've been bit as a child, still you're very educated and you have better manners then all of us. The smell of human life all over you, telling me that you've never lived in the company of other wolves but only in the company of men. You're a wizard. I'm sure you would have had other options than joining a shitty pack in Russia. So I'm asking again, why are you here? «, his voice was dangerously low now and Remus became aware that the rest of the pack had joined them as well.

»Alright. «, he said slowly. »Alright. My full name is Remus John Lupin and I'm a member of the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society that is currently fighting against Voldemort and his followers. I've been sent to look for allies amongst the packs in Europe. «, Remus let out a breath and waited. Now, it was up to them to react to his revelation.

»And why would we do that? Why would we help you in your war against Voldemort? «. This time it was Hannah that spoke. »I know what that wizard has done but why would we bother to fight against him? This is not our war. It is not yours either, Remus John Lupin. The English Ministry of Magic has never done anything for us except declaring us for prey and monsters, making it impossible for us to live a normal life. They are forcing us to be outcasts. Why should we help them now? «

»Because when Voldemort wins, werewolves will not be save anymore, no matter where they life. It's true, the Ministry forces us to life a life like this but Voldemort won't let us live at all. Once he's in power he will hunt us down one by one. Do you want that? You're not bad people. None of you. And I can't promise you that things will change when we defeat Voldemort but I can promise you that you will live. Isn't that something? «, Remus looked around. Was he just imagining it or was there a trace of doubt in their eyes? Was it possible that they were actually considering to help?

»I can see your pint but I'm not convinced. «, Hannah said eventually. »I have a duty towards my pack. I will not send them blindly into some war. «

»I'm not asking you to. «, Remus said drawing hope. »Come with me to England, you can talk to Dumbledore, he is the leader of the Order and he can protect you. No one needs to fight if they don't want to fight. « He could see Hannah considering his words.

»Alright. «, she said. »I will go to England with you. Tomorrow. Thomas, while I'm gone you are going to be in charge. I trust you to make the right decisions. «, and with that she turned around and left. The rest of the pack, too, slowly backed away and Remus couldn't believe his luck. He had actually managed to convince a pack to fight for their side.


Sirius

The door opened and every head in the room immediately turned to see Moody, James and Lily entering, everyone was holding their breath and when he shook his head it was one shocked exhale that went through the room. Emmeline let out a choked cry and broke down to the floor, tears streaming over her face. She was immediately surrounded by people who were trying to support her. Moody's eyes lingered on the women for a moment before a crossed the room.

»Who? «, James' question echoed through the room although it had been hardly more than a whisper.

»We lost Dorcas, Benjy and Kilian and Caradoc is gone. «, Moody answered. Sirius swallowed hard and tried not to look at Emmeline who was now crying silently. They had lost so many people during the last month. Too many.

»Do we know who it was? «

»Voldemort himself was there, also his closest followers. The Lestranges, Malfoy, Dolohov, Travers. But that is just guess work. «. Sirius felt a wave of anger, hearing the name of his cousin. He only hoped that Reg hadn't been there. He hadn't had any kind of contact with him since the den and he didn't like it. It was driving him mad, not knowing what was going on. Hell, I don't even know if he's still alive. He thought in frustration. And of course there was Remus. He had been gone for three months now and not once had he written or otherwise contacted them and Sirius was worried.

The rest of the day was filled with silence and Sirius went home with James. They had made a habit out of it, so that Sirius was now almost living at their place and only entered his flat whenever he needed a fresh stash of clothes.

»Remus. «, Sirius said dumbfounded when he entered the flat. On the sofa, right next to Lily sat in fact Remus Lupin, smiling wearily at his friends.

»Hello. «, voice was thin and now that Sirius took a closer look, so was his whole body, like he hadn't eaten properly since he had left.

»I didn't know you'd be back. «

»Me neither. Not until yesterday night. «

»Are you going to stay? «

»Maybe. I don't know yet. It's not my decision anyway. I've got to wait for what Dumbledore says. «

They all sat down on around the kitchen table and Lily made tea.

»Well? Are you going to tell us where you've been? «, Sirius asked and noticed too late that his voice sounded a bit snappy.

»I can't. I'm sorry. «, and he really did look sorry although he didn't meet Sirius' eyes. Sirius opened his mouth to say something but James' hand on his arm held him back.

»Have you - «, James started. »I mean. Do you know what happened around here while you were gone? «

»Not really, no. «

»Right. «, Sirius and James exchanged a look. They really had no desire to go through all that again but Remus had a right to know. »Well, it wasn't good. We lost a lot of people, Remus. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. «

»Who? «

James swallowed and looked at Sirius as if to say 'your turn', »Right after you've left, we found the whole McKinnon family in their house, the Dark Mark was hovering over it. Shortly after that, the Bones family, today we lost Kilian, Benjy and Dorcas and Caradoc disappeared and – and - «, his voice failed. He didn't know how to break it to Remus. Any anger he might have felt when he saw Remus earlier was now gone.

»And what? », Remus asked, not even bothering to shut out the fear in his voice.

»Your parents, Remus – I'm so sorry. «

He could see something breaking in Remus' eyes and his own heart was slowly breaking with it.


Remus

Remus felt like time was passing him and leaving him behind. He stood still while the world kept spinning and spinning and spinning and he had no desire to move with it. He just wanted to stay here. He was looking down on his parents' graves, trying to feel but all he felt was emptiness. There was nothing. No tears, no anger, no sorrow.

»I loved you. «, he said to the headstones. They never answered.

It was November and the wind was cold on his skin. Feeling numb, Remus returned to his tiny flat, waiting for something to happen. Anything. He didn't have to wait for long.

»Hanna and I have gone through the most relevant details, I'd like you to meet us in the Hog's Head. «, the phoenix faded and Dumbledore's voice with it. Remus sighed and got up. Minutes later he entered the pub in Hogsmeade and saw Dumbledore and Hannah sitting in a dark corner.

»Hello Remus. «, Dumbledore greeted him.

»Hello, sir. «

»An astonishing friend you have here, Remus. «, Dumbledore said, nodding towards Hannah and Remus restrained from pointing out that they were hardly friends, »We have discussed all the relevant points and she assured me that she would help us find more packs. «

»I can't leave my pack but I also can't ask them to fight in a war they might not survive. They are all Muggles; they are helpless against an army of Death Eaters but we can help to find more packs. Try to make allies. «, Hannah said and Remus nodded. He hadn't expected Hannah to lead her wolves into battle. He was glad that she didn't.

»I want you to go with Hannah, once more. You will leave in a month and I expect you to keep me up – to – date. «, Dumbledore said, before he stood up. »And I really need to dash now. I wish you a pleasant evening. «

»He's odd. «, Hannah said, when Dumbledore was gone.

»You have no idea. «, Remus mumbled. He was tired and just wanted to sleep.

»You okay? «, Hannah asked.

»Yeah. «

»No you're not. «

Remus looked at her in surprise. For the first time since they had met, he realized how much she reminded him of Sirius. Her hair was long and black, her skin pale and her eyes stormy grey and looked at him intensely. She might have been his sister. Even her grin was the same.

»What is it? «

»Nothing, just…you remind me of someone I know. «


Sirius

A few weeks later, Sirius, James, Elphias and Emmeline were on another mission for the Order. They were supposed to protect Lucinda Kolb, the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamont, from potential attacks because in a few days, a trial against Leonard O'Reilly, a suspected Death Eater of Voldemort's inner circle, was taking place.

»This is pointless. Like anyone's going to attack her in the middle of the day. «, James muttered and Sirius chuckled. He was right of course. It was the third day already that they were shadowing Kolb and nothing had happened.

»It's not pointless if nothing happens. Besides. We're lucky aren't we? The Prewetts got Minchum. «, Elphias said.

Sirius grimaced, »Wouldn't mind him to be taken out. «, he muttered, »What? I'm just saying. «, he added when Emmeline and Elphias gave him a hard look.

»Well don't. He's an idiot but at least he's against Voldemort. Would you rather, one of your cousins was Minister of Magic? «

»That is not I said. «, he defended himself.

Emmeline opened her mouth to reply something but a sudden, »Constant vigilance! «, made them all jump. They looked around, frantically for a sign of Moody but all they saw was James half lying on the floor and laughing like a lunatic.

»Prat. «

At the end of the day, the group returned to the Auror Headquarters where the rest of the Order was already waiting. It was a small rest and every time Sirius saw who they had lost his heart began to ache. It was quite in the room and Sirius didn't even have to see their faces to know that something had happened.

»This is the fifth time now that this happened! If I didn't know it better, I would say someone's been leaking information. «, Moody barked. Sirius frowned. He didn't need any further knowledge to know what it was. The only question was, 'who is it this time'?

»No one would do that, though. «, Gideon said. He was bleeding from a cut at his head and his hair was covered in dirt. »Nothing's happened. It was close, though. «.

»Coincidence. «, Fabian added and his brother nodded.

»There is no such thing as a 'coincidence'! I want to know who did this! Those bastards knew that you two would be alone with Minchum and that Kolb was covered by the stronger force and who knew that, eh? Just the members of the Order. «

Sirius swallowed. He could see Moody's point but it was hard to believe that anyone would rat them out to the Death Eaters. He looked around. Everyone had a similar expression on their face, worry, paired with fear and disbelieve.

»Right. Order meeting tonight at the Hog's Head. «, Moody announced before leaving the room. The rest of the Order followed, leaving Sirius behind.

»Padfoot? «, he turned around and saw Peter, who had also stayed.

»Hi, Wormtail. «

»Are you okay? «

»Yes. Just…it's just shit, innit? Now we can't even trust ourselves. What comes next? «

»I trust you. «, Peter said and for a moment he was that podgy, little boy again that he used to be when they all went to school.

»Thanks, Pete. I trust you too. All of you. Always have. Always will. «, Sirius said. Something lit up in Peter's eyes but as soon as Sirius realized it, it was gone.

»What? «, he asked and Peter averted his eyes.

»Nothing, just…have you ever noticed…I mean…«, he took a deep breath. »Have you ever noticed who's isn't there when something happens? «

Sirius frowned. »What d'you mean? «

Peter shook his head, »Nothing. It's nothing, probably, I'm just being stupid. «

»You're not stupid, Pete. What do you mean, who isn't there when something happens'? «

»Well, I mean…I'm just saying, that…I mean, Remus is gone lot lately, don't you think? «, he said quickly, his face turning red.

»Remus? But – But he's on that secret mission - «

»A secret mission he doesn't tell us anything about? «

»That's why it's secret, Pete. We're not supposed to know about it. «, Sirius snapped and Peter winced. »Sorry. «, he mumbled. »Just…you're wrong, okay? «, he said firmly. You got to be. He added in his thoughts.

Peter nodded, »Probably. Like I said, I was just being stupid. «. And then he left too and Sirius was alone with his thoughts. It's not possible, is it? He asked himself. This is Remus we're talking about; he is not capable of betrayal. Sirius sighed and followed the others outside. He didn't have anything else to do, so he decided it was best to go home. However, when he left the Ministry his feet did not carry him to his own flat but to Remus'.

»Oh, bugger this. «, he mumbled and went inside. When they had left Hogwarts and moved they had all switched keys so that they had access to their friends' flats. His heart beating fast in his chest, he opened the door to Remus' flat but as soon as he entered the small room his heart stopped beating all together. In the middle of the room, stood Remus, oblivious to Sirius who stood in the door and in front of Remus, very close, stood a girl, much smaller than him, with long, black hair, her arms through around Remus' neck and her lips pressed against his. Sirius' managed to quickly close the door before they realized he had been there. He felt sick. Sick and angry. And just who the fuck did that girl think she was, snogging his Moony! Who the fuck does Remus think he is, snogging some stupid bitch? An angry voice inside his head asked. Sirius tried to ignore the fact that it had an excellent point and Apparated home.

When he went to the Hog's Head a few hours later, Remus was the only one, not attending.


Remus

For that one month that they still had, before going back to Russia, Hannah was staying with Remus in his flat so that Remus was forced to sleep on the sofa.

»Do you want some tea? «, he asked. Hannah smiled and said nothing but approached slowly.

»Later. «, she said and then she was in front of him and her hands were behind his neck and her mouth was pressed on his and it all happened so quick that Remus had no time to react. He simply stood there in shock and tried to comprehend what was going on. Bloody hell, what the – wait – wait – kissing. She's kissing me! She's fucking kissing me! Why is she kissing me?! Somehow, he managed to get a hand between their bodies and pushed Hannah away.

»What the – What are you doing? «, he asked.

Hannah smiled, sweetly, »What did it look like? «

»No. No, that can't – I can't. «

»Why not? What's wrong with me? «

»Nothing, you're lovely. «

»Then why can't you? Come on, Remus John Lupin. Be my mate. «

»No, I – I'm gay. «, he breathed and was surprised by his own words.

Hannah blinked, then she smiled again, taking a step back. »Oh well then, you're loss. «, she said and winked. Remus stared at her in disbelief. Have I just -? Merlin, I have. The realization of what he had just said slowly sank in but surprisingly it did not make him feel bad. In fact, it fact good. Really good. I'm gay. He thought. Sirius – He quickly stopped himself there. He should not think of Sirius. Especially not now.

»I think you mentioned tea? «, Hannah's voice pulled him back into reality and Remus nodded automatically and went into the kitchen to boil some water.

The next day, he was invited by Lily to come over for tea. Hannah was staying in is flat because they had agreed not to mention to anyone that she was here and, what was even more important, that there was a connection between Remus and her.

»Wow, you look happy. «, he remarked when he entered the living room and saw Lily standing in the doorway, beaming at him.

»She's got the plague. «. Remus swiveled around; he hadn't noticed Sirius who was sitting on the sofa giving him a strange look.

»I'm pregnant, you prat. «, Lily snapped but she was still grinning.

»That's what I said. «, Sirius insisted and stood up. »It's like it's contagious or something. First Molly, then Alice, now you. «

»You are such an idiot. «, Lily said but she was grinning happily.

Remus was speechless. »Wow, I – that – that's wonderful news, Lils! Congratulations! «. He gave her a tight hug, which caused the grin on Lily's face to become even bigger, before it faltered slightly. »You're going to be there, aren't you? When the baby's coming. «

»Of course I'll be there. How could I miss that? «, Remus asked. Of course he knew the answer to that question. He was about to leave again and he had no idea for how long but he would be there for his friend. There was no way he would miss that.

James came home, bringing Peter along and the Marauders spend the rest of the day celebrating and it was almost like they were all back in Hogwarts again.