"I'll Never Be What You Want Me To Be"

Jace

Robert Lightwood returns to the house an incredibly unhappy man. I become aware of his arrival immediately because he slams the door shut which causes the entire house to shake. After a minute or two, I hear his thundering footsteps as he stomps up the stairs, creating an ominous drumbeat that causes trickles of dread to enter my being as I stare at my homework, unable to concentrate in anticipation of the unfortunate events that are about to unfold. He knows. He knows I failed Max. He knows his youngest son almost died because of my negligence.

He swings the door open and I notice that his face is blood-red in anger and he's about to explode. Funny, I'm about to implode; I wonder who will create a bigger mess.

"Where were you?" He demands.

"What are you talking about?" I ask, deciding to try playing dumb.

My tactic was dumb, it does nothing but make him angrier. I'll give you the censored version of what his reply is, "Where were you when my son nearly got hit by a freaking truck?"

"I was still at school." I answer.

"You were in detention; weren't you? What did you do this time? Did you run your mouth to one of your teachers? I told you that mouth would get you in trouble one day and look what happened. You nearly got Max killed! Do you want him to die before he's even walked the earth for a decade?" He yells.

I keep my face straight while my insides crumble and something builds in my throat, making it hard to breathe. I've been telling myself the same thing for hours. It is my fault. Max did almost die today. I nearly got my little brother killed.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He demands.

"What can I say?" I ask, talking past the lump that has formed in my throat. "Sorry won't cut it. It can't take away what I did."

"You're right, it won't." He sneers. "You're nothing but a miserable lowlife Maryse and I took in because we wanted to boost our reputation. You used to make us look like humanitarians, but now you make us look like fools because you're such a disaster. When will you learn to take control of yourself? When Max is dead? Do you want my son to die?" He finishes in a yell.

I shake my head, inwardly panicking as I imagine how today could've ended if it weren't for Clary. She's the real humanitarian in this situation; not me, not Robert, not Maryse, only Clary. She's so pure. I really need to stay away from her. I'm not sure how I would live with myself if something happened to her. I need to start separating myself from Max too. Today was too close a call and I was no one's fault but mine.

Robert grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me. "You don't belong here! You don't belong anywhere! Do you understand? Your family is gone. You should be as well. Why are you trying to drag my family down with you? You're not my son! Are you so stupid that you think that if Max died you would replace him as our son? You're wrong. You will never be my son. You are nothing and you mean nothing to me." He grabs my collar and pulls me towards him until I'm only inches from his face and hisses, "You will grow up to be nothing because that's all you are."

He shoves me and I stumble into the wall. Then he leaves the room, closing the door with a slam, leaving me with nothing but my thoughts and a hollow feeling in my chest.


Maryse comes in a few hours later. I've thought about what Robert said and he's right. I can't drag his family down. I can't be that selfish.

"Why weren't you with Max?" She asks after entering my room unannounced.

"I was at school." I shrug.

"Detention no doubt." She states with no trace of doubt in her voice.

"Yep." I reply, waiting for her to throw her real punches.

"You could do so much better. Don't you know that? Anyone could if they tried so you could if you tried. You're just lazy which makes you incompetent. I've spoken with your teachers, you could be a lawyer or a congressman or own a company; you just need to put the effort into it. You need to grow up Jonathan."

I inwardly cringe. I loathe that name. It's what my father called me. These people have no right to utter that name.

"Are you going to say something or are you just going to stare at the floor and brood?" Maryse demands.

I look at her and quietly say, "I will never be what you want me to be."

She wants me to be a powerful politician or some other type of high-up person she can gain power through. She's not talking about success for me-she's talking about success for herself.

Maryse glares at me. "Don't expect to stay here longer than your eighteenth birthday." She says, standing.

"I wasn't planning on it." I deadpan.

"Stay away from Max." She says, starting for the door.

"I will when someone else takes care of him." I reply.

She slaps me surprisingly hard across the face, then looks me dead in the eyes and hisses, "Taking you in was a mistake."

It shouldn't because I've always suspected she felt that way, but that hurt to hear. Satisfied she's had the last word this time, Maryse straightens and walks out the door, closing it with a slam.


There's a knock on my door after Maryse leaves. I don't respond and am not surprised when the door starts opening. Nearly all residents of this household have a lack of respect for privacy. Isabelle is no exception which she proves as she slips into the room, closing the door silently behind her. She stares at me looking nervous which is a strange look on her given the general outpouring of confidence she posseses.

"I heard what they said." She says quietly.

I don't answer. What's the point?

"Why didn't you defend yourself?" She asks.

"Why do you care?" I ask. I know she cares; I just wish she wouldn't. That would make this easier. Knowing that she cares means I know she'll be in pain when I leave. Max will too at first but after a while he'll forget about me and he won't feel long-term pain. Izzy might. Hopefully I've misjudged her and she won't, but I worry she will.

"I'm glad they took you in." She whispers.

"You have a strange way of showing it." I laugh dryly,peeping up the pretense that I don't believe she cares in hopes of manipulating her to believe the same. It's wrong but I'm not in the mood to care. I just want to stop causing so much pain.

Izzy says nothing and tries to hug me but I move away from her.

"I'm sorry you feel like they don't love you. They do, they just don't know how to show it and they're upset about what happened with Max." Izzy says quietly with a hint of emotion in her voice.

I look at her and ask, "Do you actually believe that?"

She doesn't look at me. She just sits closer so our shoulders are touching. We sit together, not saying anything for a while.

"You're thinking about leaving; aren't you?" She whispers, her voicequavering slightly.

I don't reply.

"Max needs you." She whispers.

"He needs his family. With me gone, one of you will take care of him. He deserves it."

"You're his family too and we both need you." She says in a shaky voice. I can tell she's trying so hard to keep it together, but this is hard on her. She knows this is goodbye.

"You both have Alec." I reply, trying to make that sound more appealinis than the reality of the statement.

"Yeah, then where is he?" She questions bitterly.

"I don't know." I answer honestly. No one knows where Alec is half the time. He and Robert fight nearly as much as Robert and I do. He's constantly on Alec's case because he's not the perfect son he always wanted, so one day Alec disappeared, then he came back as if nothing happened. He promised Izzy he'd never do it again but he does it all the time now. I think Max is the only one here who's really whole.

"Neither do I. Do you remember why I don't know? I don't know because he keeps running away because he can't face Dad anymore. He runs away because he's a coward. Are you a coward Jace?" She asks. Then she gets up and leaves.


By midnight I've packed everything I want to take with me. I'm leaving. Maybe they'll take care of each other if I go. I open the new window Izzy had installed today and feel the frigid New York air. Then I hear the first scream. Staying perfectly still I listen, waiting to hear movement. Max's screams are the only sounds I hear. Shaking my head, I drop my bag and close the window. Izzy's right; Max needs me. I'll stay in this house until I turn eighteen. Then I'll find a place nearby until Max is old enough to take care of himself. When that day comes I will leave and never return.