Hi everyone! I hope you all have been having a great weekend! I want to thank everyone for all the support and reviews, it means so much! I have been hoping for some more Japril action on the show, but until Shonda gets to it, I will write away!
Enjoy
You Looked At Me and I Was Done
Chapter 5
April
April pulled up out front of Kevin's apartment, turning the car off and just looking out the front door. She knew what tonight was supposed to be. 'Cooking you dinner' was officially code for getting it on. And April had been ready earlier…more than ready, she had been excited. But now…
With the ER closing, the future hung in the air like a big black cloud. She didn't know what the future held for her or for Kevin. April could end up back in Moline and Kevin…who knew where the hell he would end up. He actually had passed his boards, so his future wasn't as bleak as April's post Seattle Grace.
April inhaled deeply and then grabbed her purse off the passenger seat and climbed out of her car. She locked the door and jogged up to Kevin's front door to avoid the light rain.
April waited on the front steps until the door buzzed and she jogged up the stairs where Kevin was waiting for her.
"Hey," he said, a smile on his face as she met him on the stairs. She kissed him lightly in greeting and he grabbed her hand and led her the rest of the way into her apartment.
April had been here before many times. It was a small apartment, but he kept it tidy. He had basic leather couch and an armchair, a nice coffee table, and random framed photos of his family and friends scattered around the living room.
Kevin peeled April out of her coat and she kicked off her shoes in the foyer so as not to trail in rainwater.
Once she was out of her jacket and shoes, Kevin pulled her close and hugged her. April closed her eyes, enjoying the hug.
"What happened?" he mumbled in her hair, "I can tell something happened."
Kevin knew she had worked on budget cuts all night.
"We tried all night," April said, pulling back from him and looking up into his face.
"No luck?" Kevin asked brushing her hair behind her ear.
April said, "Derek and I figured it out, but Cahill wasn't have any of it. She is selling the hospital and the hospital won't sell if the ER doesn't go."
Kevin sighed and said, "That sucks."
April nodded and said, "I am sorry."
"Me too," he whispered back, "Kind of puts a damper on our plans tonight, huh?"
April nodded and looked at him regretfully, "I shouldn't have told you."
"And left me wondering why you didn't want sex after all?" Kevin said with a smirk, "That would have been way worse."
April smiled up at him, not able to help herself. He was so nice and funny. And he wasn't that bad to look at either.
"Well, let's not waste my chicken parmesan," Kevin said, "If sex is out, then at least we have chicken parmesan."
April chuckled and followed him to the kitchen and perched on the stool in his kitchen. It smelled delicious and she told him so.
Both of them ate and carried on conversation about their days and everything Cahill had planned, but neither touched on the conversation they knew they eventually had to have. The conversation that discussed what would happen to them once the ER did close.
After dinner, April and Kevin snuggled up on the couch and turned on the TV. All the while April thought about how the ER closing would change her life again. And just when things started getting back on track too. She was in a relationship with a good guy, she was one of the primary ER physicians, she was scheduled to take the Boards in a couple of months…and then, in classic Seattle Grace fashion, a big wrench was thrown into that plan.
Both of Kevin and April were occasionally watching the movie and making out during the boring parts, but April could sense Kevin's thoughts were along the same lines as what April was thinking.
Jackson
Jackson was doing another liposuction case, bored out of his mind.
"Hey, that panniculectomy discharged," April said, bursting into the ER and immediately breaking Jackson out of his boredom, "Said to say thanks."
Jackson looked down and once was once again reminded that everything he loved about the hospital was changing…from sucking butt fat to April's ER closing.
"Liposuction day?" April asked, looking from Mrs. Berkus to Jackson with a grim face.
"High volume, high price tag," Jackson replied grimly, "Because when Pegasus trims the fat, so do I."
April gave him a small smile and he felt like an ass…at least he would have a job. Pegasus would be eliminating April's entire department. It showed on her face that was the same thought she was having.
"What's the matter?" he asked, noting her eyes losing some of their sparkle.
April looked up at him and then shook her head and said, "Nope, can't talk about it."
"Why? Because of her?" Jackson asked, trying to get her to stay as she began to leave the OR.
April turned and smiled as she glanced down at the facedown Mrs. Berkus.
"Mrs. Berkus?" Jackson sing-songed, trying to make April laugh, "Mrs. Berkus!"
April laughed and Jackson smiled at her from behind his face mask. He loved the sound of her laugh.
"She's blotto," Jackson said, focusing back on the butt fat, "What's up?"
No I can't talk about this with you," April explained, "I could when we were friends but now…" she said trailing off.
Jackson smirked, "Oh we seriously can't be friends now?"
"Yes, we can. Just…" April said, and Jackson could tell she was getting flustered, "This is too much." She waved her hand between them and Jackson knew what she wanted to talk about. Kevin.
As much as Jackson didn't want to talk about Kevin, he had missed April and he loved that she wanted to confide in him again, even if it was just as a friend.
"How about this," Jackson proposed, "I will tell you a thing I would tell you if we were friends."
April looked up at him as if she was still uncertain, but Jackson continued on, "My mom. She is driving me nuts about taking a bigger role in the Harper Avery Foundation."
April looked at him in sympathy and he imitated his mom to her, "Grow up, Child. Get your legacy on!"
April smirked at the impression and said, "It's not bad advice."
"I know that," Jackson said in frustration, "But I am working my ass off here and I am not even an attending. You know what? You're a crappy friend, you're supposed to side me!"
April nodded and smiled a small smile and then chuckled.
"Now you go," Jackson said, calming himself down.
"So me and Kevin," April began tentatively, "Sort of have been seeing each other."
"I am aware," Jackson said, looking up from his work.
"Too much?" April asked, grimacing.
"No," Jackson said quickly, "No. I told you I was seeing Stephanie the intern." In fact it wasn't weird, but it was uncomfortable and…painful. He didn't like the way things were between them and he didn't like the fact that he was mostly responsible. "Was that too much?" Jackson asked, even though he knew at the time it had been too much.
April shook her head and said, "No."
"I mean, you know it's not a thing," Jackson clarified, "It's just, you know, fun and…we're not serious."
A strange look passed across April's face that Jackson couldn't decipher, but she crossed her arms across her chest and said, "We both know how that can turn out."
Yeah…they both did know how that can turn out. He felt a stab of something shoot through his chest, but he tried to play it off and replied, "That is true. Okay, you're turn."
April studied him for a minute, gauging whether or not he was genuine and fine with talking about her relationship.
She seemed to debate a moment longer before she said, "Okay."
"So we have been dating a couple months now," April said, "And we haven't…" she trailed off.
Jackson swallowed. Oh God…he couldn't talk about this. He just couldn't.
"Anyway," April said, getting flustered as she continued on, "We both really want to…" she trailed off, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, we're ready, but I don't know… there is this tension especially now that the ER is closing. Like we are at a stalemate. Not only that, but I haven't told him-"
"About us?" Jackson asked.
April stopped and looked at him for a minute, not able to interpret the tone of his voice. It was off and Jackson knew he had to get it together.
"No, I told him about us," April said cautiously, "I just…I haven't told him about the whole virgin and re-virginizing thing."
Jackson stood there, dumbfounded as he looked at her and she didn't notice as she began to ramble in true April fashion.
"And now re-virginizing isn't something I want to do. I mean, it's so confusing, especially since I am dating…but maybe it's confusing because I am dating that it's confusing and my hormones are taking over?" April mused out loud, "I just…everything seems like it's just hanging in the air between us and we can't get past all the crap. I don't' know. I just don't want it all to end."
April stopped rambling and Jackson felt like he had been hit with a bulldozer. An April shaped bulldozer.
"Oh," April murmured, closing her eyes and grimacing, "Oh, God…too much."
She turned on her heel and Jackson snapped out of his silence and said, "Nope!"
"Oh! Way too much April!" April said to herself, thunking herself on her forehead.
"Look, tell him exactly what you told me," Jackson said, not really focusing on the words he was saying. All he could think about was April having sex with someone else.
"He won't care whether you're a virgin or not," Jackson said softly. Hell, Jackson hadn't cared. Well, he had, but then…he really hadn't. His mind flashed to April's smiling face above his as she rode him, kissing his lips softly. She was incredible, even with all the complexities her religion and loveable craziness.
"He won't?" April asked him, her voice vulnerable. He felt bile rise in his throat, not believing he was talking to April about sleeping with another man. He felt sick…and angry.
"He'll worry your mentally ill, because you sound like a nut job," he said bitterly, focusing on his work. The minute he said it, the minute he knew he had crossed the line.
He looked up and saw April's wounded face and he sighed as he tried to think of a way to backpedal.
"Good to have you back, pal," April murmured, her voice filled with hurt.
"Hey, I'm kidding," Jackson called out, trying to get her to stop from walking away. He would follow her if it weren't for Mrs. Berkus and her fat ass. Well, almost fatless ass to be more precise.
April cleared her face and strode from OR, not stopping for anything.
"No, I know, see ya," April called over her shoulder, striding out into the hall.
"Come on, April!" Jackson called after her down the hall, but she was already gone.
Jackson sighed and closed his eyes in frustration before opening them once more to stare out the closing door to the OR. Why did he open his mouth? When they were just getting back to being friends, too.
April
April's heart beat angrily at her. She was mad. Mad that she had thought they could go back to the way things were. Mad that Jackson had made her feel like she could talk to him like before. And mad that she couldn't talk to him…she missed it. Talking to him. And his friendship.
April stalked to the nearest OC room, scolded a couple of interns sucking face and pointed them out of the room. She closed the door behind them and inhaled deeply, trying desperately to calm her hurt and her anger.
April sunk onto the bed and closed her eyes, trying to erase the past twenty minutes. She rubbed her forehead as she tried to forgive what Jackson had said. But it was harder than normal because it had touched on her deeper insecurities.
Crazy was a common descriptor for April, even coming from Jackson. But April had made herself vulnerable to Jackson. Their relationship was strained as it was, and then he had insulted her and flung it in her face when she did confide in him. What was wrong with him?
April lied back on the bed and stared up at the bottom of the top bunk, zoning out. She didn't know when she fell asleep, but she woke up to the sound of her cell phone buzzing in her pocket.
April checked her watch and groaned at the time. She had been asleep for over an hour. Hunt was probably pissed. April sat up and checked her pager to see if there were missed pages. None. Thank God. Then she remembered that it was her phone that woke her.
April clicked her phone on and squinted at the screen. Missed call from Jackson. Suddenly their conversation from earlier rushed back to her mind. April knew she might have overreacted. Jackson probably hadn't meant to hurt her. April didn't want anything preventing her and Jackson from resuming their friendship. She needed to try and not be so sensitive. April resolved to text him later.
April left the on call room after checking her hair and makeup. Despite her nap, it had survived surprisingly long. April walked down to the ER and looked around, spotting Hunt doing some paperwork at the nurses' station.
"Dr. Hunt," April began, "I am so sorry I haven't been down here. I went to take a little break in the on call room and next thing I know, I am waking up an hour later."
"Kepner," Hunt said, smiling up at her kindly before gesturing around, "Don't feel bad. It's been dead down here."
April nodded and looked down at the paperwork he was doing and then back up to him and asked, "Do you need any help? I can stay late if you need me to."
Hunt shook his head and said, "No, go home Kepner."
April nodded and pushed herself way from the desk and turned to walk away.
"Kepner," Hunt called after her.
April spun around and Hunt said, "Thank you."
April looked at him in confusion. Not only had she left the ER to him for the past hour, but she was leaving him to continue to monitor it so she could go home.
"For…everything," Hunt said vaguely, "I want you to know I am going to fight to keep you here. No matter what happens to the ER."
April smiled a small smile and her eyes got glassy with unshed tears. She really loved Hunt.
"Thanks Chief," April said in a thick voice. He smiled a kind smile and nodded at her before focusing back on his work, dismissing her.
April turned and walked towards the locker room. Even if Hunt could save her, which she highly doubted, that meant Kevin was out of a job. And it would more than likely be over for them. The realization made April sad as she began peeling off her scrubs.
April quickly stuffed herself into her clothes and shimmied into her little leather jacket before heading out for the night. Kevin would be coming in for the overnight shift later, so she wouldn't be seeing him. That was fine by her since she needed a night to figure out her plans. If she stayed, if she went…and what that meant for her and Kevin.
As April walked down the hall she heard, "April."
She turned and there was Jackson, still in OR gowns and his scrub cap. April sighed, preparing to apologize for rushing out of the OR earlier, but he cut her off and in a soft voice said, "Tell him who you are."
April gasped at the intense expression on Jackson's face as he said, "If he doesn't get it, then…you don't need him anyway."
Easy for Jackson to say…he was gorgeous, smart, and was medical royalty. He also was kind and moral and brave. It was no wonder women panted after him, and not just for his looks. April on the other hand…
April sighed and her thoughts flitted to Kevin, "But I really like him." And he could be the only guy left to want me, April thought silently to herself. Unlike Jackson, men didn't fall over themselves trying to get a date with her.
"I think if I tell him, there is a good chance it will all be over," April said sadly. Jackson studied her for a minute, his eyes focused on her face looking for something, but April had no clue what it was.
"So…wait," Jackson suggested, "Let him get to know you better."
April weighed that thought in her head, wondering if it was manipulative and deceitful. She didn't think it was fair to Kevin to not share something like this with him, especially if she was considering being intimate with him.
April's thoughts were interrupted by Jackson looking at her again with those eyes…those eyes that made something in her ache and her breath to catch in her throat.
"Once he does," Jackson said softly, "He'll want to follow you anywhere."
April looked up at him, wondering what it was about his expression that caused alarm bells to go off in her head. She wondered if he really believed that. He had known her forever and he hadn't wanted to follow her…what made Jackson so sure Kevin would?
"Trust me," Jackson said, as if reading her thoughts.
April's head swam and she took an involuntary step back. It felt like there was a moment going on…but she didn't know why. And why was Jackson setting off all these feelings inside of her with those eyes of his?
She took another step back and smiled to Jackson. It was a pep talk and nothing more, she assured herself. He looked at her and smiled softly and April couldn't help smiling back at him.
He was different. It hadn't been long that they had been estranged friends, but it was long enough for him to change…she wondered what caused it.
"Thank you," April whispered, her cheek flushing for some odd reason.
Jackson smiled at her and stood there and April realized she would need to be the one to walk away. She took a step back and nodded to him before turning and leaving the hospital.
Jackson
Jackson watched April walked down the hall and out of the hospital for the night. He stayed for a few minutes even after she disappeared from view. He wondered why he couldn't talk to her…he used to be able to talk to her about almost everything. What had happened to make talking to her such an insurmountable barrier?
As he walked back to the OR to make some notes in his charts, he wondered what it was he wanted to say to April so badly. That he was sorry for how things had ended. That he wished it hadn't ended. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but because of where they were at, he couldn't say these things. And he didn't understand why. Maybe if he did say them, it would get them out of this weird place where they were.
Jackson flipped his chart open, reviewing the case and jotting down his notes so he could transcribe them later. He yawned and snapped the lid shit, preparing to move onto the next one when movement caught his eye.
Kevin.
Kevin walked up and reviewed the OR board for a second before turning and grabbing a few charts from the OR station. Jackson nodded to him in greeting which Kevin returned.
Jackson tried to subtly observe Kevin without creeping the guy out.
Jackson couldn't believe that April had said she was ready. How could she be ready?
This guy barely knew her. He didn't know so many small things about her. Like when she was genuinely smiling and when she was doing it just to put others at ease. Or that she had the sweetest singing voice and sang to herself when she did the dishes. Or that she dyed her hair in her first year because an intern made fun of her red hair and called her the distasteful thing redheads were called. Or that she never thought she would want to be a trauma surgeon because of that first patient that she had been fired for…the one whose death was her fault. Or that her sisters had told her she was ugly and April believed it.
And if Kevin didn't know all the small things about April, how could he possibly know the big things about April that made her so wonderful. Like her faith. Hell, Jackson had known April for years and still he knew very little about April's religious and spiritual life.
So how was she ready to sleep with Kevin? He just didn't get it.
Thanks for reading everyone! Please do me a favor and drop me a review or message to leave feedback.
