"I'm A Boy"
Jace
I pass through the next few days the way a shadow does. I go silently, listlessly, moving from one thing to another without taking any meaning from the activities my body is partaking in. I sit in the hard, uncomfortable chairs at school, hardly noticing their rough exterior as I struggle to focus on what the teachers are trying to teach the class of teenagers who really don't care. I walk through the halls with my hood up, hoping to avoid everyone that claims to know me (so I'm attempting to avoid the entire school).
I return to the Lightwood house everyday at the same time after picking Max up. I've yet to take him back to the book store. He's been asking but I don't have it in me to go back there right now. If I did then I would have to face Clary. Clary, who I've been trying to avoid despite my immense desire to see her. Clary, who makes me feel things I've never felt before. Clary, who makes me feel alive. Clary, who gives me hope despite my persistent pessimism. Clary, who I have hurt. Clary, who I will destroy if I'm not careful. Clary, who sees through my carefully constructed shell and finds something good inside. Clary, one of the few who see anything real in me. Or is the goodness she perceives the illusion? Could I ever truly be good? Is there a good person inside of me or am I too far gone? Which is the real me? Am I this good person Clary claims to see? Or is my true identity the sardonic jerk others say they adore? Who do I want to be? If I choose to become good then, how do I go about doing it?
I ponder these restless thoughts that run marathons around my brain all day and night. After yet another sleepless night, I use nothing but sheer will to drag my sorry self out of bed and get dressed for school. I grab my school stuff, stumble down the stairs and collapse onto a chair in the dining room. I'm so close to the kitchen, but I feel infinitely far away even though I'm honestly only ten steps away from the kitchen door.
Isabelle walks up to me and approaches me the way she would an injured animal. I'm not sure I wish to get into how accurate one might say that comparison is; it's horribly comical. Just like my life which currently feels like one big cosmic joke.
"Are you okay?" Isabelle asks.
"I'm just peachy." I reply.
"How much sleep did you get last night?" she asks.
"Enough." I lie, then I pull myself up and force myself to walk into the kitchen.
"I can make you some breakfast if you want." she offers.
I only partly fake this laugh. "I'll pass on the food-poisoning this morning." I tell her.
She scowls at my hit on her cooking.
"I can make cereal." she says.
"The last time you made me cereal it tasted disgusting." I remind her.
"That's because the milk expired. That wasn't my fault." she says defensively.
"You're supposed to check the milk before you put it in someone's food." I point out.
"How was I supposed to know that?" she complains.
"Everyone knows that Iz."
"Does Max?"
"Yeah, in fact, he told me the one in the refrigerator has expired because it smells funny. I checked; it does."
"Why's it still in the fridge then?"
"Well, how are you supposed to learn to check the expiration date on the milk if things never go south for you?"
Izzy smacks me upside the head so I smirk in response.
"Grow up Jace." she says.
"I don't want to grow up. If I were to grow up then I would have to be a man and mankind is cruel. I'd rather be a boy who pretends to contain some innocence within him. So I'm a boy."
"Yeah, a boy who's going to buy milk after he takes Max to the bookstore after school."
"Have you been making wild promises to him again?"
Now it's Isabelle's turn to smirk.
