Yeah you stand here on your own
Jace
Rain pitter-patters against the window, creating a calming music as I pretend to be someone I'm not during lunch. Or at least it would be calming if it hadn't been raining like this all week. I feel like crap. My head is pounding. I'm finally able to avoid smelling everyone else's food because I can't smell anything with my nose trying to put Niagara Falls to shame. My throat feels like I've swallowed glass recently even when I don't talk. When I do talk, it feels like I swallowed some nails and barbed wire in addition to the glass I apparently already choked down. I haven't eaten anything in two days. My eyes hurt because I've been having trouble sleeping in the rain. It's too loud in here. I need to get out.
I stand and walk out of the cafeteria without uttering a word to the others. No one says anything to stop me.
You think you're so cool Jace. Yet you stand here on your own. All that façade may be for nothing. Even they don't care about you. I think bitterly as I glance back through the cafeteria doors.
All I wanted to do was go to the bathroom, but instead I find Clary and Simon sitting against the wall near the cafeteria entrance. Simon has a DS in his lap. Clary's sketching. I walk into a trashcan while I watch her. Simon smirks. He probably thinks I deserve to be humiliated in front of Clary like this. I'm not able to say that I disagree. When Clary sees me, she smiles. I know I don't deserve that.
"Hi Jace. Come join us." She says.
Simon looks perturbed.
I don't have the energy to explain why I don't want to sit with them or to lie and act like it's because I'm cooler than they are, so I sit. Everything is a little sore. It's going to make practice harder. At least today's the last day of training for a while.
"Where were you during class?" Clary asks.
"Skipping." I shrug. This is only half-true. I passed out in the bathroom and didn't wake up until my class after art. It's a good thing I finished my project on Wednesday.
"Should've known you were too cool for class." Simon mutters.
"Geek." Is all I can think to say.
"Gee, that's original." Simon rolls his eyes.
"You stereotyped me first." I reply, closing my eyes.
"Are you feeling alright?" Clary asks.
I open one eye and say, "I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You don't look so good." She looks concerned. That concerned look could get her destroyed so I stand even though it hurts.
"I'm fine. I need to go anyway." I reply.
"You can stay if you want." Clary says.
The bell rings.
"None of us can stay. That would be skipping class and as Mr. Lewis pointed out, that's not good." I say.
With that, I stagger off to class.
The school bell finally rings, letting us escape for Friday fun (whatever that means). I walk to practice which is two hours of torture considering how I've been feeling this week. When that's finally over, I shower, and start making my way to the library. It's dry there. My luck is just crappy enough that it's still raining. Trudging through puddles, I avoid cars and people as I make my way through the city. My head's pounding and I keep tripping over nothing. On-lookers give me dirty looks. They probably think I'm drunk or high. I wish. That must feel less bad than this. Despite popular belief, Jace Herondale has actually never been high or drunk. I would always pretend though because that's how one become popular in high school: one lies. I hate myself for it.
My head hits the ground and I see darkness before I register that I'm falling.
I wake up on a soft surface. There's a cool cloth on my forehead. My head spins when I sit up.
"You might not want to do that." A voice says.
Searing light invades my eyes when I try to open them.
"Here, the light's off now." The voice says again. "What's his name?"
"Jace." A second voice says.
I know that voice.
My eyes shoot open and I look straight at the girl I've been failing to protect recently.
"Welcome back to reality." Clary smiles. Her eyes look worried so the smile must be for my benefit.
"Hi Jace, can you answer some questions for me?" The first voice asks. I turn to see a guy who looks like he's only nineteen but he's dressed like a doctor.
"Answer one for me first. Where am I?" I croak. My throat is on fire.
"You're in the back of Luke's store." Clary says.
"Who's Luke?" I ask.
"My mom's fiancé." She replies.
"Is this Luke?" I point to Dr. Dude.
Clary laughs.
"This has a name and it's Magnus so no, I am not Luke." Dr. Dude answers.
"Okay, why are you here?" I ask.
"Magnus is a family friend. He's also a doctor so when you passed out in front of Luke's bookshop, Luke called Magnus for help." Clary explains.
I nod, feeling exhausted. Black splotches fill my vision.
"Rest Jace." Magnus says.
Darkness engulfs me once more.
When I wake up again, Clary's curled up in a chair. She's reading A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway out loud. I grimace when I hear her choke out the last lines of the book. When she's finished, she cries. It's a quiet sound that sends shards of glass into my heart.
"To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be the one destroyed." I whisper before I can stop myself.
"Oh hi Jace, how long have you been awake?" She rubs her eyes.
"Just now." I tell her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, sorry, I hate crying; it was just so sad." She answers.
"You're still beautiful." The words slip out without my say so. Oh no. My face feels hot-well, my whole body feels hot actually.
"You're feverish." Clary says, feeling my forehead. Her hand feels cold. Her face is as red as her hair. Her eyes are puffy and shining from crying. "I'm going to go get Magnus."
She walks away and I watch her go. I don't look away as she lingers in the doorway, gazing at me. Then she leaves the room.
Magnus comes in and starts looking me over, asking if I have allergies to medicines. I answer his questions and he makes me take something that has a long name I no longer remember. My headache drips away and so does my consciousness.
The next time I wake up I see that Clary is reading aloud again. This time she's reading A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. It's my favorite Dickens story.
"God bless us, every one." I whisper. My throat doesn't hurt anymore.
Clary smiles. "Good morning Tiny Tim."
"What time is it?" I ask.
"It's Monday at 11:34AM." Clary replies.
My heart drops. It's Monday? I've been unconscious all weekend?
"You've been in and out of consciousness. How much do you remember?" Clary asks.
"I woke up twice." I say.
"Do you remember the bouts of barfing?" She asks.
I shake my head.
"That's probably for the best." She smiles.
"I have exams." I push myself into a sitting position and this is when I realize I'm hooked up to machines.
"We don't have an exam for art and Simon said you guys' AP science class already did the exam too." Clary says.
"I need to study for the others." I say. I missed an entire weekend.
I try to untangle myself from the blankets and machines but I can't.
"Clary, can you leave please? I need to free Jace from these machines." Magnus says from the doorway. I don't know how long he has been there.
"Okay." Clary replies. Then she looks at me. "Stick around and we'll order pizza."
My stomach growls without my permission.
"Whole food will be good for you." Magnus tells me as he walks over to me.
"Shouldn't you be against pizza?" I ask.
"You're right." Magnus says in a grave tone. "Get him a salad instead."
Clary laughs and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.
Magnus helps me escape the machines. An awkward silence falls over us. Then he finally says, "I can tell you haven't been eating enough. Why is that?"
I don't say anything.
"You also smell like you've been sleeping outside. What are you on the run from?" He asks.
I still don't answer. I don't even look at him.
"I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong." He tells me.
"I'm not on the run from anything." I say. Technically I'm not.
"Then why are you sleeping outside and not eating enough?" Magnus asks.
"I was kicked out of my foster home." The words spill away before I can stop them.
Magnus sighs. "You've been having nightmares. They sound…violent. Do they have to do with your foster family?" He asks. He looks defeated.
"That is none of your business." I say. My voice sounds as fragile as glass. Why am I betraying myself so much?
"Do they have to do with why you're in the foster home to begin with?" Magnus asks. His voice is soft.
"They have nothing to do with you." I reply.
Magnus pulls up his shirtsleeve to reveal a series of circles running up his arms. They look like burn marks. Some are bigger than others.
"My biological father used me as an ashtray. Luke took me in when I was sixteen. I ran away and he caught me stealing muffins from his store. He helped me when he realized how I was living." Magnus says.
I don't know what to say.
"If you need a place to stay, he can help you. If staying with Luke will be awkward because of Clary, you can stay with me." Magnus offers.
"I'm fine." I say automatically.
"No, you're not. You're a kid." He says.
I open my mouth to protest but he interrupts. "Okay, you're seventeen. That is still legally a kid. Regardless of how old you are, you could use some help. I can talk to Luke about getting you a job. You can stay at my place as long as you work at Luke's bookstore and you get good grades in school."
Trust isn't something I give easily. Somehow, the look in his eyes tells me he's not some weirdo, he wants to help me, and spent the past weekend staying up with me as I puked judging by the bags under his eyes. I don't want to be someone's burden though.
"You're not a burden Jace. You're a child. Someone should be taking care of you but they're failing you. Let someone help. Talk to Luke. See if he'll help. I know he will. I'm just giving you another option by offering to let you stay with me." He says.
I'm speechless. He doesn't even know me.
"I've been in your shoes. I know it sucks." Magnus tells me. "But you need to let someone help you."
I want help. The problem is, my father would be disappointed if I accepted it. He would say I'm weak. He would say I'm a coward. He would tear me down to nothing like he always did…and I would deserve it, just like I always did.
"Whatever someone has told you about help is wrong. Help isn't bad. I can see in your eyes that you worry you'll disappoint someone. You won't. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone's crooked expectations." Magnus says softly.
There's a knock on the door.
"He's decent!" Magnus calls to whoever is on the other side.
Clary walks in. "The pizza's here." She says.
"Okay. We'll be right in." Magnus smiles at her.
She smiles back and walks away.
"Come on, let's go eat." Magnus says.
I stand and feel fine. I'm completely okay. That's strange. Oh well.
"I'm going to go." I tell him. "Where's the nearest exit?"
"Don't you want to spend time with Clary?" Magnus asks.
My cheeks burn and he chuckles.
"Besides, leaving now would be rude." Magnus says.
"Well, I wouldn't want to do that." I mutter.
"No, you wouldn't." Magnus quips.
He leads the way and for reasons beyond my knowledge, I follow.
