"Look who's getting sucked into the vortex of motherhood." The words rung over and over again in Stephanie's head. She couldn't sleep. A year ago, she would have jumped out of bed, thrown on an old pair of ripped jeans and a shirt, grabbed her purse and left her loft in England. She would have walked down Third Avenue, popping in and out of pubs, clubs, drinking, flirting, doing whatever she wanted until sleep finally found her. She'd drag herself back to her loft, exhausted, drunk, or close enough anyway, so that all she had to do was fall into bed. Just keep going until you can't go anymore. Don't give yourself time to think.
But she wasn't in England anymore, and she wasn't responsible for just herself either. Here, people counted on her. She couldn't leave at 2 a.m and crawl back into bed at 10. D.J. would need her in the morning to watch Tommy. Max would expect her to be sitting at the kitchen table in the morning so she could quiz him on his spelling words. Jackson would be waiting to read the comics to her. She was needed here.
She threw the covers off her bed and searched with her feet until they hit the fuzz of her slippers. She slid them on and tiptoed up the stairs to the kitchen. She opened the fridge but wasn't sure what she was searching for. Something to fill the void that recently seemed to consumed her. She was pretty sure she wouldn't find that lurking behind the gallon of apple juice.
She started a pot of coffee and sat down at the table as it brewed. Her hands went idly to a toy Tommy had left at the table. Tommy. That's what had started this backward slide. She had never really been around babies much. She could barely remember Michelle as a baby, and even when Nicky and Alex were little, she didn't want much to do with them. Babies were needy, binding, permanent, and her life was – well, not.
But it seemed D.J. had bound her to Tommy. She spent her whole day with the baby – was he really baby? Stephanie wondered. She wasn't sure when people stopped calling babies "babies" or infants "infants." What she did know was that Tommy brought out a side of her she never expected to see. She couldn't help but wonder if that was somehow part of a larger plan D.J. had conspired. Put her with a baby all day and all of the sudden, she'd want a family of her own. Congrats, she thought. It worked.
Her first day home – the day of the party – she tried to stay away from him as much as possible. Hold him for a few seconds and then pass him on to someone else. Don't spend too much time looking at him. Just ignore what you don't have and you won't realize what you're missing. That motto had worked for the past 9 months.
"Steph, what are you doing up so early? Or late?" D.J. asked as she shuffled into the kitchen still her in her robe.
"Oh, just couldn't sleep," Stephanie said as nonchalantly as she could muster, but she knew immediately from the raised eyebrow look of her sister that D.J. wasn't buying it.
"In all the years I've known you," D.J. began as she poured herself some of the leftover coffee and joined Stephanie at the table, "I've never known you to have a problem with sleeping. I'm pretty sure you could sleep through a tornado."
Stephanie laughed, "Yeah. I guess I've always been a bit of a heavy sleeper."
D.J. smiled and moved her hand over Stephanie's. "You want to tell me what's really going on? We didn't really get the chance to finish our conversation earlier."
No, Stephanie thought. She didn't want to tell anyone what was really going on. Telling people, saying it out loud, that made it real. She wasn't ready for it to be real just yet.
"It's just been a long day is all."
"Well, I didn't spin Coachella last night, but I can imagine," D.J. replied still searching Stephanie's eyes, still not buying the story Stephanie was trying to sell.
"When I was out there, it felt really good," Stephanie started talking, slowly letting walls down, "I've missed music. I've missed getting to do what I loved, but it was different."
"Different how?"
Stephanie took a deep breath and let the warmth of the coffee consume her hands as she held them tightly around the mug while her brain searched for the right words. "Music, deejaying, that was my life. And a year ago, I actually thought I could be happy the rest of my life going into clubs and parties and playing music. I thought that was all I needed."
D.J. nodded understandingly, "But this time was different?"
"It was still amazing, but I got done playing and you weren't there, and neither was Tommy or Max or Jackson, and it was just - I was alone. And music wasn't enough to fill that empty space."
"Stephanie," D.J. said reaching back for her hand, "you are never going to be alone. You'll always have me and the boys, and Dad, Joey, Jesse and Becky-"
"But I'm never going to have what you have," Stephanie interrupted. It was then she felt the warm tears start stringy down her cheeks, "I'm never going to have a family of my own."
"Oh, Steph," D.J. threw herself into full mom-mode as she pulled Stephanie into her hug. "What did the doctor say? Because there are surgeries and procedures now and options. There's always adop-"
"I was pregnant!" It was only the second time she had that sentence out loud. The sound of it, the ways the words tasted in her mouth were foreign. She almost didn't believe it, couldn't understand how ridiculous it sounded. She, Stephanie Tanner, had been pregnant. She must have pulled away from D.J. at some point or D.J. pulled away from her, because she was staring into her sister's shocked and confused face, and she knew she had come to a point where she had to finish the rest of her story.
"I was pregnant." She wiped the tears away from her cheeks and ran a hand through her loose blond curls. "About 8 weeks. I just woke up one morning in a lot of pain and bleeding. I took a cab to the ER, and they did some tests and blood work, and it's just not going to happen for me. I'm never going to have kids of my own." The simple version. The easy version.
DJ was crying now too, concern for her sister written all over her face. "Did you tell anyone?"
"No," Stephanie lied. She had told one other person, but that was a different story - a longer story - and one that she didn't want to get into right now. "It was just easier that way. You guys all had so much going on, and you soak up everyone else's problems like a sponge. You didn't need that on your plate."
"Steph, you know you can tell me anything. Anytime."
"I know, but it was honestly just easier. I wasn't ready for a baby, and I mean a deejay isn't exactly a family-friendly job. You can't just fly a baby halfway around the world. I just told myself it was probably for the better and tried to move on." More lies. Stephanie had lied to herself so much that she wasn't sure what was true or not anymore. Had she wanted the baby? Did she really have the conversation with him about giving up music, moving to England permanently, raising this baby together? "I wasn't ready, so I just moved on. Pretended like it didn't happen, and that worked really well until I moved back here."
Worked really well until today. Stephanie ran her thumb around the curve of her phone. She could pull up the calendar on that phone right now, and scroll to today's date where there was a single word that had been nervously typed in – baby. She remembered sitting in the doctor's office, the nurse confirming that she was indeed pregnant. The doctor talking to her, telling her the due date. It seemed as surreal then as it did now.
"The dad-"
"Just a one time thing." So many lies she had lost count.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you, Steph." One of the many reasons Stephanie had decided not to tell anyone was to avoid the pity sorry's and cautious eyes that she knew would follow her for months if not years. But D.J.'s were different. Her's were sincere, and Stephanie believed in that minute that if she told her sister giving her one of her boys would make it all better, D.J. would do it.
"Thanks, Deej," Stephanie replied. "I just – I never thought your kids could mean this much to me. I guess it just kind of caught me off guard."
"They do that," D.J. smiled. "They absolutely adore you, Stephanie. We all do. And I'm so thankful that you moved back here to help me. We all love you."
Stephanie smiled at her sister. "I love you guys too."
Tommy's cry escaped over the small baby monitor that seemed to be permanently attached to D.J.'s hip. "That's my cue," D.J. said as she stood up.
"Actually, if you don't mind, can I get him this morning?" Stephanie asked.
"Be my guest!" D.J. delighted as she walked the empty mugs over to the sink and pulled one of his bottles out of the fridge.
Stephanie made the long climb up the stairs, listening to Tommy's coo get louder as she got closer to the nursery. When she quietly opened the door, Tommy was already standing up, supporting his wobbly legs by holding onto the side of the crib. "There's my little guy," Stephanie grinned. Tommy immediately reciprocated and reached out his chubby hands to her.
She scooped him up in her arms and couldn't help but widen her grin as he nuzzled his head into her shoulder. It had taken moving back home, a place without the music, clubs, and drinking to block out the silence to make her realize it, but she loved this. The feeling of having a bigger purpose than spinning records at parties. The way that Tommy reached out his arms for her. The way Max giggled at all her jokes. The way Jackson talked to her about his day. She loved this. She wanted this. No, she thought. I need this. She could do it. She had to. She could figure out a way.
