CHAPTER 3
Remus Lupin was worried, of course that didn't say much because Remus Lupin was almost always worried, it was a curse actually. This time, his main concern was for his best friend, or rather his only friend if he was being honest. Sirius had showed up on his doorstep five days ago, and his spirit was almost immediately lifted upon seeing padfoot there. And boy, did he need that. But his excitement over seeing his best friend again was short lived and quickly turned to uneasiness. At first things were normal, they spend some time catching up with each other, they talked about Dumbledore's plans regarding the Order and of course Harry. It was when Harry's name was mentioned that Sirius first got a little uncomfortable, but Remus dismissed it. But then he realized there was something that really bothered him. He became withdrawn and moody, he would spend his days mostly smoking and drinking, and every time Remus asked him what was wrong he just put on a fake smile and assure him he was fine. But he was anything but fine.
At first he believed Sirius was still shaken up by the news of Voldemort's return, who wouldn't be, right? When Remus himself had heard the news he was socked to the core, even if deep down he kind of always knew this day would come, it still horrified him to no end. The first war had left its deep scars on everyone who was lucky enough to survive it, and no one was ready for the terror to start all over again. Sirius was one of the most unfortunate victims, not only had he lost the people he loved the most, but also his freedom. The thought of Azkaban gave him chills, he couldn't even begin to imagine how it was for him, trapped in cell, surrounded by those foul creatures sucking every last bit of happiness out of him. The first night of Sirius's stay, Remus had woken up by the agonizing screams of his friend, he had rushed to the living room to find him shaking and drenched in sweat. After that, he only slept in his dog form.
It was easy to assume that padfoot's behavior was a result of the years in Azkaban or fear for the inevitable war and worry over Harry's safety. But Remus knew better. He was sure there was something more that troubled his fellow marauder, and he was going to find out, but for now his first priority was to cheer him up and get him off that bloody armchair he had become one with. He went to the living room and sure enough, there he was, siting in 'the armchair', looking at an empty space, lost in his own word. There was a lit cigarette on his hand and about twelve or thirteen in the ashtray, and it wasn't even noon yet. At least he was drinking coffee and not firewiskey. Remus really needed to get him out of that miserable state and he truly hoped what he carried in his hand would do the trick.
"Hey padfoot. I have something for you." He said in an overly enthusiastic -and hopefully infectious- voice as he walked in, holding a sealed envelope behind his back.
"What?" He sounded bored, he didn't even turn his head to look at him.
"Here." He brought the envelope in front of him. "It's a letter from Harry, it arrived a few minutes ago."
Unfortunately, that didn't have the reaction he had hoped, in fact there was no reaction at all for a few seconds. The only indication he had actually heard him was the little frown that appeared on his face. Then Sirius took the letter in his hand, looked at it like it had personally offended him, and put it on the coffee table without opening it.
"Aren't you going to read it?" Confusion was evident in his voice.
"Later." He took his mug and washed down the remainder of his coffee.
"But, it's from Harry."
"Yea, we already established that." He responded, looking at his empty cup like it was the most interesting thing in the world. "It's not a big deal, it's just a letter, it can wait."
Just a letter? What the hell? Sirius's apathetic attitude over Harry was what finally did it, it was time for him to address the elephant in the room.
"Ok, what's wrong with you? I don't understand. You don't want to see how your godson is doing, a kid who, only a few days ago, experienced the most horrific thing in his life, you just sit there all day, brooding, drinking and smoking cigarette after cigarette. That's not like you."
Remus should have expected what happened next, after five days of calm, the storm was about to come sooner or later.
"Not like me.. "Sirius said, almost to himself, with a harsh chuckle as he shook his head. He eyes remained focused on his mug, then his expression changed, became darker and turned to Remus, his voice cold as ice "And what 'me' would that be, exactly? The teen you remember at Hogwarts, joking around with friends and making fun of your ridiculous belief that any disease known to mankind can be cured by a piece of chocolate? Or the twenty-one year old who was laughing at death and thought he was completely indestructible?" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I've spent 80% of my adult life in a prison cell. So how could you possibly know what I am supposed to be like, when I don't?"
Remus had absolutely no idea how to respond, but he knew one thing, Sirius was right. He was no longer the same man, Azkaban had a deep impact on him, and as much as he liked to pretend that everything was the same, nothing was.
"I am sorry, padfoot.. "
Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "No, I am sorry Moony. I shouldn't have snapped at you. None of this is your fault."
"Look, I know I can't turn back the clock or erase the last fourteen years, but I need you to realize that I am here for you, for whatever you need me. You are still my friend, Pads, never forget that, ok?... So please, don't keep me out."
Sirius sat there, contemplating whether or not he should talk to him, tell him what was really bothered him. He didn't think he could find the proper words to explained everything he had learned about James, how could explained something even he hadn't make sense of, yet. He was spending his days trying to figure out why his so called brother had acted like that, but he had come up empty. Was there any point? Another part of him, a more selfish one, was anxious of Remus's reaction over his past relationship with Severus, but he immediately felt ashamed and angry. Who cares what the hell Moony thinks? In the end he settled for two words: "It's James.."
"James?.." The name took him a little by surprise, what did James have to do with anything, then he understood. "Oh, Padfoot, I know you miss him, I miss him too."
Again, Sirius's reaction left him puzzled, speechless, and more than a little hurt. He started laughing, but there was nothing amusing about the death of their friend. "I don't believe I said anything funny." It was clear that Remus felt offended by this, and who could really blame him?
"Actually you did.. because you see, I spent years missing him, mourning him and feeling guilty, blaming myself for his death, and now I feel like a total idiot."
Remus was ready to ask for more, find out what was the deal with James, but suddenly there was a knock on the door, talk about bad timing. He initially considered ignoring it, Sirius had finally opened up and didn't want to risk him shutting down again. Not to mention, he was curious as hell. There was another knock. Maybe it was Dumbledore with news.. Damn, now he had to answer, so he reluctantly went to open the door. Out of all the people he expected to find there, Severus Snape was not on top of the list.
"Hello Lupin. Can I come in?"
"Umm.. yea, sure.."
"If I am not mistaken there is a certain mongrel that currently lives in your.. ahem...humble abode"
The bit about his home did not escape Lupin's attention, but now was not the time for this. Snape's visit was obviously not social considering their relationship, which was by no means friendly, maybe tolerable at best, and if he was being honest, he hadn't completely forgiven Snape for costing him his job. So it was quite clear his sudden appearance meant business, especially if he wanted to talk to Sirius too, which made him feel a little uneasy. Was it Voldemort, Dumbledore? Had something happened to Harry?
"Please, Lupin, even your thoughts are giving me a headache."
"Oh, look, if it isn't the bat of the dungeons." Both men turned to see Sirius standing with his back against the wall, with a cigarette in one hand and a smirk on his face. "Tell me Snape, is it safe for you to wander around in broad daylight? We wouldn't want you to spontaneously combust now, would we?"
'Oh, boy', Lupin thought, 'that's not going to end well.'
Snape didn't miss a beat. "We should only hope that it happens before the fleas that reside in your fur decide my hair offer better accommodation."
Merlin, how Sirius had missed his sharp tongue. "Not possible", he answered with a self-satisfied smug, "even fleas have standards."
Lupin was ready to interfere and tell them to knock it off with the insults, their grudge had lasted long enough. But then he realized, there was no actual malice in their voice, their tone was almost... teasing. Wait, did Sirius just wink at Snape?.. Ok, that was strange, but it was also the first glimpse of the old Sirius Black.
"Can we talk? Alone?". Snape's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, he was about to answer when he realized his question was directed to Sirius. Well, that was not very promising, Sirius and Snape in the same room, completely alone, was a recipe for disaster.
The two men went into the kitchen and closed the door, leaving one Remus Lupin alone and utterly lost.
A/N: I know there wasn't much SB/SS action in this chapter, but i will make for it with the next one.
Shian, thank you for your review, I am glad you liked the story. I have to agree with you about James, he kind of is ooc, but I really didnt want to make someone like Peter the bad guy again. The reason behind what james did is going to be adressed, brobably in the next chapter, and hopefully offer some answers.
