CHAPTER 4

It was safe to say that the last few days had not been easy for one Severus Snape, he had spent most of them attempting to process everything he had learned and then trying to gather up the courage to face Sirius. Every day he would wake up with every intention to go and talk to him, but each time he found a different excuse not to. Yes, it was kind of ridiculous, he was brave enough to spy on the Dark Lord, but when it came to confronting his old lover was a total coward. How pathetic was that? The answer was 'very'. So after five days of brooding and hiding, he decided enough was enough, it was time for them to talk.

That's how he found himself in Lupin's kitchen, with a cup of tea in his hands, Black on the other side of the table, and a very uncomfortable silence between them. Not a single word came out of either man's mouth for a while, both unable to find the right ones. It never used to be this awkward with them, their encounters would either involve flirting and fooling around or insults and curses, they were bantering just a few minutes ago, and now this? It was a completely new territory, and not pleasant at all. At some point Snape even considered throwing a curse at Black just to get some kind of reaction other than starring, but he didn't think it would sit well with the other man. Finally, he decided to speak first, because if he left it to the stupid mutt they would probably stay there until Christmas. And people said Gryffindors are the brave ones.

"How have you been?"

Well, that was the million-dollar question. He tried to collect his thoughts, before he finally answered. "Tired, I guess.. I haven't had a decent sleep in.. well, you know. And by the looks of it, you didn't get much sleep either.. I've been angry... confused, lost but mostly drank.." He didn't miss the brief disappointed in Severus's face when he mentioned the last part and he immediately felt the need to justify himself. He was the only person that could have that effect on him. "It's the only time my mind doesn't get bombarded by the 'whys' and 'ifs'." He paused for a few seconds, lit a cigarette and took a long drag before he continued. "The truth is; I am a complete mess. I can't even read the bloody letter my godson sent me, he is probably scared out of his mind and I can't even bring myself to open it. I am a thirty-six-year-old man holding a grudge against a fifteen-year-old for something that wasn't even his fault. You can't get more pitiful than that." It was the first time he said that aloud and it made him feel like a complete jerk. He stood up and went to grab a drink, he really needed a good glass of firewhiskey, but as he reached for the bottle he decided against it, coffee would have to do for now.

"I think that what Potter did, had more to do with his hate for me, than you."

"What do you mean?"

Severus himself couldn't care less about Potter's reasons, that bastard had screwed up their lives and that was that, but for Sirius the 'why' was important. Even if he was just speculating, he hoped he could give him some sort of explanation.

"It's no secret that he detested me, granted, he wasn't the only one, but his reasons were more personal.. He couldn't get over the fact that I had a much closer relationship with the girl he wanted, than he did. And I am pretty sure that every time he got rejected by Lily, he would somehow find a way to blame me for it."

Sirius couldn't help but agree with that. He was more than a little familiar with James's outbursts, always yelling how that 'slimy slytherin creep' was the reason Lily kept turning him down, because God forbid a girl said no to the great Potter because he was a Jerk, no it had to be someone else's fault.

"And then, to make matter even worst I had the 'audacity' to go after his best friend, I don't know how he found out, but I don't reckon he took the news very well. Learning about us must have been the final straw for him, and that 'prank' was his way of punishing me for taking away from him, not only his girl, but his friend too."

"You act as if that justify anything. It doesn't and nothing will."

"I know it doesn't." As Snape reached for his cup, Sirius noticed a slight tremor in his hand which caused more than a little worry. A worry that quickly turned to panic when he realized, it wasn't just his hand, his whole body was trembling. He rushed to his side.

"Severus, what's wrong? ... You're shaking.."

In a true Snape manner, he tried to brush it off as nothing, but his little act of indifference didn't really fool anyone, not when he was actually hissing in pain. "It's no big deal, just a side effect.." He said through gritted teeth, then he took a small vial out of his pocket, which was easier said than done, and took a sip. In a matter of seconds, the trembling subsidized, but that didn't do much to calm Sirius's nerves.

"What was that?" He asked, almost whispering, as he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"I told you, a side effect." His voice was very matter of fact and left little room for argument. He really wished Sirius would drop the subject and pretend that nothing had happened. Oh, who was he kidding? Of course he wouldn't let it go.. Stubborn idiot..

"A side effect from what?"

"Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answers to."

"Severus.. please."

He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes, he really didn't want to see Black's reaction. "Cruciatus"

His blood ran cold while an expression of pure horror came over his face. "Damn it" He banged his hand on the table and stood up, knocking off his chair in the process. He was beyond angry; he was pissed off. He could just kill Dumbledore right now, what the hell was he thinking sending Severus, HIS Severus to spy on that psycho? He was pacing back and forth like a caged animal while Snape remained totally stoic, which only added fuel to the fire.

"Do you realize the danger you put yourself in? It's a bloody suicide, do you really believe you can fool Voldemort? He considers you one of his own and still torture you, what do you think is going to happen if he discovers your role? Fuck!" He slumped against the sink, head bowed. "Why does it have to be you?"

"Someone has to do it, if we want to have any hope in winning this war. Besides, I am doing just fine." He wasn't sure who was trying to convince with that last bit, Sirius or himself, but either way, he wasn't doing a very good job.

"Yes, I can see that." His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but then his face softened and his eyes became suspiciously wet. "This is so fucked up." He rubbed his eyes with his hand trying to stop the tears that were threatening to spill. He walked over to the table and sat right next to him. "Please Severus, you can't keep this up. It's too risky... I can't lose you again." His hand reached out for Snape's, a gesture that wasn't very appreciated by the other man, he immediately stood up after slapping his hand away, leaving Sirius shocked and with a miserable expression.

"You act as if you already have me. Wake up Black. This isn't some romantic old lovers reunion, we are not going to run into each other's arms and then live happily ever after.." He was yelling at that point. "That's not how real life works.."

Sirius should have seen the outburst coming because, heavens forbid if Severus Snape admit he is not alright or show any sign of weakness. He had written the book on hiding your insecurities under thick layers of anger and intimidation. This was a man who had no problem putting his head on the line, risking his life for the 'Greater Good', as Dumbledore liked to put it, but always kept his heart deeply hidden, to the point where people had trouble believing he actually had one. He could see Snape building up a wall again, a wall specifically designed to keep him out, and he could not allow that. So, in true Sirius fashion, he decided to do something crazy and impulsive and what could possibly be his cause of death.

"I Love you." He declared with pure determination. There, he'd said it, there was no going back now.

Snape snorted. "What you feel is not love, is nostalgia, a sad attempt to recapture what we once had."

His indifferent tone, and listless attitude towards his confession, hurt Sirius more than he was willing to admit. There he was, declaring his love for the other man, and he was acting as if it was nothing. Actually it didn't just hurt him, it angered him. How dare he, telling him what he is supposed to feel?

"Is that how you see it? As nostalgia?"

"Look, just because you loved be back then doesn't mean you love me now, the things you want, Black, I can't give them to you. I am a lonely, judgmental bitter old man."

"Oh, Severus, you were always a judgmental and bitter old man, even when you were fifteen."

"Do you really think, insulting me will help your case?" Asked with what he hoped was a very intimidating voice, but the smile on Sirius's face told him otherwise.

"I think it's funny how you worry about me liking the new you, and not the other way around." Then his smile disappeared and was replaced by a solemn expression. "I am a broken man Severus, I can't even sleep unless I am a fucking dog, because every time I close my eyes I am back there, back to that God forsaken place, surrounded by dementors." His voice almost cracked but he didn't stop. "Look Severus, if you feel nothing for me, just tell me, and I will try to find a way to be ok with it.." Liar, his inner voice almost screamed, there is no way you will be ok. "But if you have even the tiniest feelings for me, please, don't turn away from this. We have this rare opportunity to start again, to see where this could go, don't throw it away. We can go as quick or as slow as you need, just promise me you will give us a chance, we owe it to ourselves to at least try. Don't you think we've earned the right to be happy?"

Snape stood there, totally overwhelmed and with no idea how to respond. He had come to accept years ago the fact that he was going to spent the rest of his life utterly alone, no family, no real friends, no long term lover, just him and his potions. And when he died he would be remembered as the daunting potion professor who could scare the living crap out of first year students, and maybe some people would recognize him for his efforts in the war as a spy for Dumbledore, or an evil deatheater, depending on who you asked. And he was fine with that, it was safe and familiar. But did it make him happy? No. Frankly, he hadn't been happy for years, not after Sirius. He would never forget how complete and alive he felt during those months. Black always had that effect on him. Even now, he could feel his heart dancing like crazy just by being in the same room with him. I was like a drug, a drug he desperately wanted back, fuck the consequences..

"Well, I will be hanged if I let that bastard Potter win."

He then grabbed Sirius by his shirt and kissed him with no warning. All the words he couldn't form, all the feelings he was unable to express, were conveyed to that one kiss. They only stopped to retrieve their breaths, while pressing their foreheads against each other's, both sporting the most ridiculously happy smiles. Yes, Severus Snape had a smile on his face, not a smirk or a sneer, but an actual smile.. The first real one in almost twenty years..

Sirius was right, to hell with everyone, they deserved to be happy..