The Great British Bake Off: Beans Week

Cast:
The experts: Merry Barry & Pip Holywhoop
The comedians: Soy Perky & Mellow Bee
Various amateur bakers.

Pip: Merry, you have asked our bakers to prepare baked beans on toast. What are you expecting?

Merry: Well, Pip, the bread should be evenly toasted, crisp and not burnt. The butter should be evenly spread, not too thick.

Pip: And the beans, Merry?

Merry: Again, Pip, heated through, but not burnt. I'm looking for a neat, steaming pile of beans and tomato sauce in the middle of the toast, not overflowing onto the plate.


Mellow: Bakers, you have one hour. Fingers on can openers … OPEN!

Pip: Now, Elizabeth, what butter is that you are using?

Elizabeth: One of my children is dairy intolerant, Pip, so I'm using this rape-seed oil substitute; it's called 'margarine'.

Pip: Good luck with that, Elizabeth.

Merry: Dwight, what beans are you using?

Dwight: I've opened this can of beans in tomato sauce and to make it more interesting I'm going to add just a few spoons of this home-made chilli paste.

Soy: Hot stuff!

Pip: I'm looking forward to that. … Moving on; Ross: that looks different.

Ross: I like a good plateful, so I'm cutting the loaf length-wise to get a bigger slice.

Merry: You are slicing your own loaf?

Ross: Yes, and I'll be toasting it under the oven grill.

Pip: You are giving yourself a lot extra to do. I hope you haven't taken on too much.

Soy: Don't leave it too late to open that can of beans!

Pip: George, you are doing something different?

George: I have this can of sausages in baked beans. I'm arranging the sausages on top of the bread as a sort of ring, and pouring the beans into the ring. You can get more beans on the toast that way.

Pip: Interesting. You might find it easier to toast the bread first.

Soy: Save me a sausage, George.

Mellow: Francis, how is it going?

Francis: I forgot to get the butter out of the fridge, so I've put it in the oven to soften.

Merry: And you are doing something interesting with the beans?

Francis: I've mixed a little corn flour with the tomato sauce to thicken it.

Pip: Greenery, Demelza?

Demelza: I'm garnishing my plate with a little watercress.

Merry: So clever.

Soy: Bakers! Your time is up. Plates at the end of your bench!

Pip: I like this presentation: Francis has piped beans in tomato sauce onto his toast.

Merry: These beans are cold. I expect hot beans.

Pip: Looks terrific, but the taste …..

Merry: Dwight's beans are steaming nicely; and he's cut the crusts off his bread.

Pip: Let's see how it tastes. … The wholemeal bread is good, but you've overdone the chillies, Dwight.

Merry: I like it.

Mellow: You can do me beans on toast anytime, Dwight.

Pip: Ross, these beans look good: a rich tomato sauce and evenly toasted bread. … It tastes good too - well done.

Merry: Yes, just the right amount of sweetness. Beautiful.

Pip: Next. Looks good, but cut into it and oh! Look Merry: soggy toast.

Merry: Yes, Elizabeth, your toast was underdone and the rather watery sauce has soaked into it. Such a shame.

Pip: Now George. George you are the only one who included sausages, and I like what you've done with them,

Merry: Let's see how that tastes, shall we? … That's good: the sausages are meaty and nicely complement the tomato sauce.

Pip: I agree. And you've got the temperature right too; those sausages are warm all the way through. Very well done!

Mellow: I'm always ready to get my teeth into a hot sausage.

Merry: Finally, Demelza. I like the idea of a garnish, and watercress is a good choice. … Oh dear, this toast is cold and soggy, not what it should be.

Pip: No. What has happened is that you neglected to dry the watercress after washing it, and the water has seeped into the toast. Such a pity.


Soy: Well, who is in the running for Star Baker this week? George?

Pip: Certainly George; he showed a wide range of skills. I was particularly impressed how he was able to use a blowlamp to toast his bread without scorching the sausages.

Merry: Ross too, I think. His extra effort in slicing the loaf lengthwise showed initiative, and he has the best looking beans.

Mellow: And who is in danger of going home?

Merry: I was very disappointed with Demelza's effort. She has shown real skill in the past, but this week's effort was a disaster.

Pip: We've also got to consider Francis: his beans were cold, and he put the butter on far too thick.


Soy: It is my exquisite joy to announce that this week's Star Baker is … GEORGE!

Mellow: It falls to me to announce the judges' decision that we are saying goodbye to: … … … … Francis!

Francis: I'm disappointed, of course, but not surprised. I didn't do well this week, and the others are all great cooks.

George: Being Star Baker is a tremendous boost. I intend to show what I can do in this competition and take it as far as I can.

Mellow: Next week is 'Potato Week'. Goodnight and good baking!

Credits roll.
The End.

Did that wet watercress really ruin Demelza's toast, or could scheming George have had something to do with it?