Better Together – Chapter 2


The return trip to my apartment was, luckily, I suppose, uneventful. Yet for as uneventful as it was, it really makes me feel so conflicted.

Harm said he'd start a fire and make us a light meal, so I went to take a nice long hot shower. I feel gross and sore from the accident, and I hope it will help me feel a little bit more relaxed and help me clear my head.

My brain is working double time as the hot water caresses my body. I think of the past nine years I've spent with Harm in my life. We are still dancing around this relationship, the same song, same dance, for years. I can't even pinpoint a specific time or place when the dance began. It's almost if we were always at that awkward place of more than friends, but definitely less than lovers – ever since I granted him "permission to come aboard" that very first time we worked together.

The problem is, and always has been, that we are never on the same page at the same time.

I feel like Harm and I are at a turning point right now, although. I want to stop pushing him away; I want to let him in. However, there is still this voice in my head that says he is only around because of our deal, and if I can't carry out my end of the deal, he needs to be with someone else…someone who can give him a family.

Oh my God. Why is everything so damn confusing? One minute, I'm ready to throw caution to the wind, jump in with both feet and tell him I want to share a life with him, and then the next moment, I'm peddling backwards because I think he should be with someone who can give him the family he deserves.

Perfectly imperfect.

The words pop into my head out of the blue and remind of the day we took AJ to the pumpkin patch. It was the day I came to the conclusion that I had to "let go" of Harm. It was also the night my insomnia got even worse than usual and just a few days before I had that visit with Commander McCool.

"Do you believe he will ever abandon you?" Her words echo in my mind.

No, I don't think he will, and if I think that, why am I so intent on pushing him away because I think that he can do so much better than me?

Could we be perfectly imperfect together – For each other?

All those years ago, I told Harm he had to let go, but now it's me who has to let ago. Before I met with Commander McCool, I would have said I had to let go of Harm, now, however, I am wondering if I have to let go of my insecurities instead.

"What's been keeping you apart?"
"Me. Him."

I sigh as I step out of the shower, I was hoping it would help my clear my head, but I am just as confused as I had been.

I am beginning the think I am the one who is making simple things complicated, now.

I dry off as quickly as I can manage and rub on some vanilla scented lotion, before I slip the pajamas that Harm gave me back on. For a moment, I thought about putting on actual clothes or maybe a pair of sweats, but I decide to go with the pajamas because I have a feeling it would mean a lot to him.

I take a deep breath before exiting the bathroom, and heading towards the kitchen to find Harm. I'm glad that I opted for the pajamas because when I find him, he in a pair of pajamas, too. He's wearing a pair of navy blue plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt with "NAVY" stamped across the front.

"Are those Navy issued pajamas?" I offer with a small smile as I sit down at the barstool.

He grins and finishes ladling soup into a bowl before sliding it across to me. "Looks like we're having a pajama party today," he teases. "Yours are still cuter."

My eyes follow his movements as he goes to pour himself a cup of coffee - more specifically, they focus on his six. "You're cute, too," slips out before my brain can even filter what I was about to say. "You're pajamas," I tack on quickly.

He chuckles as he returns to his spot across from me at the island with his mug of coffee in hand. "Then it looks like I know what to get you for your birthday, Marine."

"Funny, funny." I take a few bites of soup, and I notice that he is staring at me. "Did I spill?" I ask, confused – it's hard to feel my face, and I take a quick glance to see if I spilled anything on my top.

"No, no, it's not that."

"Then why are you looking at me that way? What do you see?"

His eyes focus on mine. "I still see a desirable woman."

There's a long silence that follows, but it isn't awkward at all. If anything it is comfortable and soothing. For a moment, my mind travels back to the first time he said that to me. It feels like a lifetime ago. In some ways we didn't change, in other ways, we are completely different people.

"Look, Mac…"
"Harm, we…"

We both begin at the same time, and then stop. We're both a little flustered now.

"You first," I encourage, gently.

He's serious and focused – it is the same way he gets when he's about to argue a case in court. "I think we need to talk about us."

"That's what I was going to say," I all but whisper.

Could we finally be on the same page, same line, and same sentence at the same time?

If we are, it might be a Christmas miracle after all.


TBC