Better Together – Chapter 3
He's looking at me intently, as he takes a long sip of coffee and then slides the mug away. "We need to establish some "rules of engagement" first."
I can tell he is a man on a mission, and I follow his lead by sliding away my bowl of soup. "Such as?"
"We are completely, one hundred and ten percent honest with each other, we agree to hear each other out, and no matter how ugly it may get we do not walk away from each other until we come up with an appropriate resolution to whatever "this" is," he finishes as gestures to the space between us.
I can only nod – afraid that my voice won't even work. My heart is pounding in my chest, my palms are sweating, and I almost feel dizzy. I don't feel like a Marine, I don't feel like a lawyer. I feel vulnerable – potentially my whole entire future is hanging in the balance and it terrifies me and excites me all the same.
"I meant what I said before," he begins. "I am tired of looking in on your life as an observer. I want to be a part of your life. I want to share in your happiness and sorrows, I want to eat dinner with you every day, I want to take long weekend drives with you just to get away every once in a while. I want you to be there in the morning when I wake up, and at night when I go to sleep."
"Harm…" He puts his hand up signaling he isn't finished, and I let him continue.
"I had my world stop once before on Christmas Eve….and when I got that phone call that you were in accident, my world stopped again. Nothing mattered to me besides getting to where you were."
These are the words I wanted to hear for so long, had they come eighteen months ago, I would have jumped into his arms and agreed that I wanted all the same things he did. However, this is happening now. Things are different now.
I do love him, but Paraguay, Webb, Sadik, the endometriosis, the PTSD, all tainted me and turned me into this cynical person who believes that happiness doesn't exist. That everything comes crumbling down no matter what. Even if happiness did exist, I wouldn't deserve it anyway.
"How can you say all those things?" I finally ask, hoping the trembling in my voice is just in my imagination and that he can't pick up on it. "After all that I did to push you away and keep you at arm's length, how can you still feel like that?"
"Because I know in my heart we are meant to be."
"I can't give you what you want, Harm, what you deserve," I manage, hoping he knows what I mean.
"Jesus, Mac, it doesn't matter how it happens…as long as it happens with you."
"You don't have to hang around just because you made a promise and you want to keep it. You're handsome, successful, accomplished; you can still find a woman who can give you the family you deserve. You still have time."
"The only family that matters to me is the one you and I have together." He leans forward and braces himself against the countertop.
I cross my arms. "You're a noble man, Harmon Rabb," I say before even have a chance to think about what I am saying and the tone in my voice.
He looks hurt and confused for a minute. "Do you think I only want to be with you because of our deal, Mac? Because all I want is a baby?"
I shrug. "Sometimes…or because maybe I still remind you of Diane."
Now he looks really hurt. "I haven't thought of Diane in years. I see you when I look at you…definitely not Diane."
I'm trying my best not to cry, but my voice breaks when I try to push him away yet again for his own good. Maybe, maybe, I'm testing him…pushing him to see how far he is willing to go. I need absolutes at this stage in my life. I need to be sure. "Find a woman who can give you a family, Harm."
"Damn it, Mac!" He slams his fist down on the countertop and the spoon falls out of my bowl of soup and meets the countertop with a clang. "Why do you think that you know what is best for me? Why do you think you can dictate how I have a family… who I can love?"
"Because I want you to be sure! I don't want you to have regrets. You say all these things now, but what about ten or fifteen years from now? Can you still feel this way then even if you don't have a family? Can you?" I snap.
"Yes!"
I can see it in his eyes, I know he is telling the truth, but my anger and pent up emotions have reached their breaking point, and I let it all boil over. "You don't know what it feels like for me!" I yell at him as climb off the chair and stand to my feet.
"You don't know what it feels like to have a doctor tell you that you have less than a five percent chance of conceiving a child and having a successful pregnancy. Ever since we made our deal, I looked forward to the day we would have a baby – a little bit of me and a little bit of you! And to be honest, I hoped that we could do things the old fashioned way…that everything would work out and we'd have it all, Harm. We'd have a baby and a family. And then it happened… the world slapped me in the face and reminded me that I don't deserve any of that."
"You're right," he agrees. "I do not know what it feels like to have a doctor tell me that. But," he raises his voice slightly and I can tell how hard he is trying to keep his anger in check. "I do know what feels is like to give up everything that was important to you to find the woman that you love and bring her home from some botched CIA operation and then and have her tell you that it will NEVER work out. And I'd say it probably hurts just as much."
It all comes back to Paraguay. The biggest mistake of my life thus far. The time I should have taken a different path…maybe if I did, we'd be at a better place right now.
"Then why didn't you fight me about it?!"
"Because I can't make your decisions for you. And I know that you went through a lot down there…whether or not you wanted to talk about it. I'm no stranger to PTSD…I know what it's like, believe me I do. But damn it, Mac, this is not like you – to just give up like this! I may have said "not yet" in Australia, but you said "never." You put the brakes on us. "
So he is mad at me for being mad that he didn't fight me but I get the feeling that he feels the same way about when I didn't fight him on the ferry? Oh, for the love of God why are we the most confusing people on the planet?
"That makes you sound like a hypocrite!" I shoot back.
"Maybe it does! But loves doesn't make sense, Mac. It's confusing and complicated and nothing is black and white…especially with us! But telling me never and then expecting me to fight you about it when I saw how you were with Webb makes you a hypocrite, too. Either way it was walking on eggshells with you. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. There are a lot of things I would do differently. I knew you were under a lot of stress and I just figured that we would have any major life discussions once you came to terms with it. Maybe…I should have helped you more…been a better friend to you, been more understanding and supportive of what you were going through instead of being a jealous jerk every time I thought of you being with Webb."
I absorb what he says. Maybe if I would have just admitted that I did have PTSD and reached out to get help sooner, we wouldn't be in this place right now. Hindsight is 20/20, I should have just tabled the discussion of "us" until we got back, like we had planned. But I didn't…I had to go and push him away because I was afraid he just wanted to be a hero, and didn't see me as a romantic partner.
Hell, who am I kidding? They say that actions are louder than words, and Harmon Rabb is certainly a man of action…I guess the fact he resigned his commission to make sure I came home should have told me everything I needed to know.
"Give up on what?" I ask for clarification of his previous statement. I listened to everything else he said, but my mind still keeps going back to that comment. "What do you think I am giving up on?"
"Well, yourself, for starters," he shoots back. "Me, being happy, enjoying life. All of it! Let's not fight each other…let's fight for all of this together."
This is the point where everything is boiling over, and I am grateful we established some rules of engagement. Otherwise, I am sure by this point one of us would have stormed out and we would be back to square one again.
When I don't say anything, his demeanor softens and he reaches for my hand, I don't flinch and I don't pull away. With my hand still in his, he walks around the island so he standing directly in front of me. "For the record, I do love you, Mac. I want that to perfectly clear." He delivers a kiss to the back of my hand. "Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy. I want to be the person who can make you happy...if you'll let me." There is a pause before he adds, "And I guess it is a good time to admit something else to you…" he's almost embarrassed.
"What?" I ask, afraid and intrigued.
"The deal was never about just having a baby together, you understand that, right? The deal was more because…I didn't want to lose you – ever. So, with my logic, if we had a child to raise together, I would always be tied to you…and I know, from a legal perspective, the deal was… flawed…and would have been messy had we ended up with other people and still shared a child or transferred out of DC, but I always wanted to end up with you. Always. So I guess I didn't really think it through that much, and…"
I launch myself into his arms with a force that I am surprised I have after the accident. He catches me quickly in his embrace and leans against the countertop. "I do love you, too, Harm. So much. So, so much." I feather light kisses all across his face. "I want an eternity with you," I can't help the tears that spill out of eyes and on to his skin as I continue to shower him with kisses.
Before I know it, I am completely sobbing and taking comfort in the soothing motions his hands are making along my back. Who would have known that a car accident and a good old-fashioned hashing it out session would free me of my insecurities and finally let Harm in completely?
"Everything is okay," he whispers against my ear. "As long as we are together, everything will be okay."
"I'm sorry…that I … pushed you away…that I was stubborn and mean," I begin between sobs. "I'm sorry that I hurt you…I'm ready to let you in…to share a life with you." I wrap my arms tightly around his neck and never want to let go. "Whatever happens, wherever life takes us, I can get through it as long as it is with you. Together."
He pulls away slightly to look into my eyes, and I feel whole and complete. Any doubt I had about being an "us" fades away. Harm made his intentions clear today, and I guess that is all I was looking for all along - that and possibly releasing all the bottled up emotions of Paraguay too.
"Harm?" I question softly after he didn't say anything in the entire two minutes and 43 seconds he spent staring in my eyes.
"I want to kiss you, but I don't want to hurt you." He fingers gently brush the bruise on my face.
"I'd be more hurt if you didn't kiss me."
He smiles and leans forward to kiss me. It's gentle and slow, but filled with passion and love and promise.
It assures me that we will be okay… we have each other and that is all that matters.
Epilogue to follow.
