Better Together – Chapter 3


I study her face as I take a long sip of coffee. I'm having a hard time reading her expression and it scares me a little. "We need to establish some "rules of engagement" first," I say as I slide my coffee mug away. Suddenly, I'm more nervous than when I flew CIA missions.

She mimics my actions and slides away her bowl of soup. "Such as?"

"We are completely, one hundred and ten percent honest with each other, we agree to hear each other out, and no matter how ugly it may get we do not walk away from each other until we come up with an appropriate resolution to whatever "this" is," I finish as I gesture to the space between us.

She nods slowly, but doesn't say a word. I can see a mix of emotions flash throughout her eyes, and suddenly I realize she is probably just as nervous as I am. Sensing that, I decide I should swallow my fears, argue my case and start this conversation first.

Don't screw up this time, Rabb.

"I meant what I said before," I begin. "I am tired of looking in on your life as an observer. I want to be a part of your life. I want to share in your happiness and sorrows, I want to eat dinner with you every day, I want to take long weekend drives with you just to get away every once in a while. I want you to be there in the morning when I wake up, and at night when I go to sleep."

"Harm…"

I hold up a hand and shake my head – the universal sign of "I'm not done yet" and she lets me finish which is good because if I lost my momentum now, we'd be backtracking yet again probably.

"I had my world stop once before on Christmas Eve….and when I got that phone call that you were in accident, my world stopped again. Nothing mattered to me besides getting to where you were."

There is an incredibly long silence that follows. She doesn't speak but she just stares at me, her eyes filled with unshed tears. I can tell she is mentally telling herself not to cry, and I fight the urge to reach out and wipe the tears away myself. I refuse to believe that I waited too long…I refuse to believe that there never will be an us…I refuse to believe that she doesn't want the same things I do, but the silence terrifies me.

Let me in, Mac. Please.

"How can you say all those things?" She finally asks. Her voice is weak and afraid. She doesn't sound like the litigator I go up against in court. "After all that I did to push you away and keep you at arm's length, how can you still feel like that?"

"Because I know in my heart we are meant to be."

"I can't give you what you want, Harm, what you deserve."

A baby.

I know that what she is talking about – she doesn't even have to elaborate.

"Jesus, Mac, it doesn't matter how it happens…as long as it happens with you."

How many times do I have to say this before she understands?

"You don't have to hang around just because you made a promise and you want to keep it. You're handsome, successful, accomplished; you can still find a woman who can give you the family you deserve. You still have time."

I lean forward and brace myself against the countertop. "The only family that matters to me is the one you and I have together."

She crosses her arms and I instantly remember the time I helped Mattie study for a psychology test about body language.

Crossed arms may indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability.

I'm trying to determine which reason is the most likely explanation when her voice rattles me from my thoughts.

"You're a noble man, Harmon Rabb," her tone dripping with contempt.

I'm confused as I try to think about this from her point of view. "Do you think I only want to be with you because of our deal, Mac? Because all I want is a baby?" If she thinks that little of me, I can't even begin to describe how hurt that makes me feel and we are at a place much worse than I thought.

She shrugs. "Sometimes…or because maybe I still remind you of Diane."

"I haven't thought of Diane in years. I see you when I look at you…definitely not Diane," I assure her quickly.

She ignores my assurance, "Find a woman who can give you a family, Harm."

"Damn it, Mac!" I slam my fist down on the countertop and the spoon falls out of her bowl of soup clangs against the countertop. "Why do you think that you know what is best for me? Why do you think you can dictate how I have a family… who I can love?"

"Because I want you to be sure! I don't want you to have regrets. You say all these things now, but what about ten or fifteen years from now? Can you still feel this way then even if you don't have a family? Can you?" She snaps.

"Yes!" Without a doubt, yes.

"You don't know what it feels like for me!" She yells as she climbs off of the barstool and stands on her feet. She's angry now, and I think this might be a good thing – let's put it all out there… maybe she even needs to get angry about her diagnosis and everything else so that she can finally cope with all the changes in her life recently.

"You don't know what it feels like to have a doctor tell you that you have less than a five percent chance of conceiving a child and having a successful pregnancy. Ever since we made our deal, I looked forward to the day we would have a baby – a little bit of me and a little bit of you! And to be honest, I hoped that we could do things the old fashioned way…that everything would work out and we'd have it all, Harm. We'd have a baby and a family. And then it happened… the world slapped me in the face and reminded me that I don't deserve any of that."

"You're right," I agree. "I do not know what it feels like to have a doctor tell me that. But," I raise my voice slightly and try so hard to keep my anger in line. "I do know what feels is like to give up everything that was important to you to find the woman that you love and bring her home from some botched CIA operation and then and have her tell you that it will NEVER work out. And I'd say it probably hurts just as much!"

We've had our share of ups and downs throughout our partnership, but Paraguay takes the cake. That's for sure. I shouldn't have walked away so easily, but I didn't know what else to do. I've been through my share of PTSD throughout my career and I knew she was going through a lot. I just assumed it was the PTSD talking, that we'd come home, she'd get the help she needed to deal with happened, and we could try again. What I was not expecting was for her to cozy up with Webb.

"Then why didn't you fight me about it?!"

"Because I can't make your decisions for you. And I know that you went through a lot down there…whether or not you wanted to talk about it. I'm no stranger to PTSD…I know what it's like, believe me I do. But damn it, Mac, this is not like you – to just give up like this! I may have said "not yet" in Australia, but you said "never." You put the brakes on us. "

"That makes you sound like a hypocrite!" she fires back.

"Maybe it does! But loves doesn't make sense, Mac. It's confusing and complicated and nothing is black and white…especially with us! But telling me never and then expecting me to fight you about it when I saw how you were with Webb makes you a hypocrite, too. Either way it was walking on eggshells with you. I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. There are a lot of things I would do differently. I knew you were under a lot of stress and I just figured that we would have any major life discussions once you came to terms with it. Maybe…I should have helped you more…been a better friend to you, been more understanding and supportive of what you were going through instead of being a jealous jerk every time I thought of you being with Webb."

For being a pretty decent litigator in the courtroom, I never have been able to be as successful with words in my personal life – especially when it involved Mac. In my personal life, I tend to lead more with actions not words. I guess, though, actions don't mean as much if they aren't accompanied by the words. Mac probably needed to hear the words.

"Give up on what?" She asks suddenly. "What do you think I am giving up on?"

"Well, yourself, for starters," I answer, maybe a little more hostile than I should have. "Me, being happy, enjoying life. All of it! Let's not fight each other…let's fight for all of this together."

When she doesn't say anything, I reach for her hand – half expecting her to pull away. Instead of pulling away, she is perfectly still. With her hand still in mine, I walk around the island and stand directly in front of her.

"For the record, I do love you, Mac. I want that to perfectly clear." I kiss the back of her hand. The words roll off my tongue so easily that I regret not saying them sooner. "Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be happy. I want to be the person who can make you happy...if you'll let me. And I guess it is a good time to admit something else to you…" I'm almost embarrassed to tell her this.

"What?"

"The deal was never about just having a baby together, you understand that, right? The deal was more because…I didn't want to lose you – ever. So, with my logic, if we had a child to raise together, I would always be tied to you…and I know, from a legal perspective, the deal was… flawed…and would have been messy had we ended up with other people and still shared a child or transferred out of DC, but I always wanted to end up with you. Always. So I guess I didn't really think it through that much, and…"

Before I know it, she is practically jumping into my arms. After the accident, I'm not sure how she can move that quickly and can only imagine the amount of physical pain it caused her right now, but she doesn't seem to care. I catch her in my arms and lean against the countertop with her in my embrace.

"I do love you, too, Harm. So much. So, so much." She places light kisses all over my face. "I want an eternity with you," I feel her warm tears against my skin as she continues to assault my face with the most amazing kisses.

At some point, the tears turn into sobs and I make soothing motions along her back. "Everything is okay," I whisper against her hair. "As long as we are together, everything will be okay."

"I'm sorry…that I … pushed you away…that I was stubborn and mean," She says between sobs. "I'm sorry that I hurt you…I'm ready to let you in…to share a life with you." She wraps her arms even tighter around my neck and I want to stay like this forever. "Whatever happens, wherever life takes us, I can get through it as long as it is with you. Together."

I pull away just enough to look into her eyes. She smiles softly at me and I can see any doubts she has about "us" slowly disappearing. We did it… finally we are on the same page at the same time.

"Harm?" she questions softly when I don't say anything.

"I want to kiss you, but I don't want to hurt you." I gently run a finger along the bruise on her face.

"I'd be more hurt if you didn't kiss me."

I grin and lean forward to kiss her. It's gentle and slow, but filled with passion and love and promise.

I can't wait for what is yet come.


Epilogue to follow.