CHAPTER THIRTY
Roxas sat nervously in the main chair of the computer lab. His eyes darted about. The previous two times that he'd been here, he'd lost his mind. He was flat-out scared that it would happen again, and he didn't think his abused psyche could handle it anymore. If things didn't start getting normal, fast, he'd end up going nuts. Sora sat in the other seat, carefully out of range, not exactly trusting Roxas any more than the blond did himself. Kairi was tapping away at the keys in front of him, violet eyes fixed with concentration on the rapid flow of information crossing the large screen.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Roxas asked anxiously. "I broke Zexion's arm last time, not to mention the damage I did to the computer itself. I – " He glanced over, meeting Sora's calm gaze worriedly. "I can't handle that again."
"Roxas," Sora said patiently, "it's going to be fine. That was a one-off, I promise. The remaining programming is gone now – you won't have the same reaction. Now, it's just you in your head, nothing else. If you go crazy this time, it means you are crazy."
Disgruntled, the blond replied, "You know, I really don't find that comforting."
"You want to see your friends, don't you?" Kairi asked softly. Roxas' expression fell, he nodded.
"I really do. It's been – ages."
"Don't worry," Sora offered brightly. "If you decide to go nuts-o, I'll take care of you in a jiffy. I can kick your ass from here to next Sunday!"
"Oh, right, because I really need yet another beating," the blond glowered. Sora shrugged.
"It's your choice, in the end."
Kairi paused, glanced down. "Am I still going, or do you want to change your mind?"
Roxas closed his eyes, slumping back in the chair, shook his head. "No – keep going. I – I can't just never see them again."
"Exactly," the brunet agreed. He swivelled, stuck an elbow on the controls, plopped his head onto his hand and studied Roxas. "What's it like without Axel?"
Roxas mimicked the motion, chin on palm dejectedly. "Is it dumb that I miss him after only a day?"
Kairi smiled, continued. "Not at all. He's got this idiotic lovability thing going on. I think it's encouraging that you miss him – it means you really care."
"Well, of course he cares, Kairi." Sora rolled his eyes. "He'd have run a mile by now if he didn't."
"He's coming back tomorrow though, right?" the girl said distractedly as she worked. Roxas nodded.
"That's what he said. They're keeping an eye on the stitches, then he gets to come home at last." He rubbed his sore eye with a sigh. "It'll be nice to have everything just that bit closer to normal again." His gaze grew unfocused. "That guy really screwed things up for us."
Sora frowned. "Don't worry. It won't happen again. We've increased security around the castle. The Committee is helping out, too. We've set up a new patrolling roster. Vincent's been talking about heading out in a couple days to try and pick up the guy's trail again, too. There's no way we're just letting this go – even more important than your safety is the fact that if he can sneak in to try and kidnap someone, he's just as capable of trying to go for the Twilight Town core. He's shown he's more than willing to use violence."
Roxas lifted his head slightly, thumb and forefinger trailing soft, massaging lines across his temples. "I don't know," he said quietly. "He didn't seem all that interested in Twilight Town. He was just – caught up on me, and Cloud."
Sora darted a quick look at Kairi, who glanced over at the blond with a frown. "Cloud? What's he got to do with anything?"
"It's nothing, Kai," the brunet interjected. "From what Axel said, the guy's got a blond fixation. So keep an eye on Nami, okay? We don't know if he'll go after girls, too."
Roxas raised an eyebrow, met the boy's gaze. Sora returned the look with a hint of hardness, a tacit request that expected his obedience. In response to Kairi's suddenly frightened expression, the blond patted her elbow awkwardly. "It's okay. He probably won't be back anyway. Just – like Sora said, watch out for Naminé."
She pressed her lips together, nodded worriedly. Not entirely certain of Sora's motivations, Roxas nevertheless left it at that, falling silent and waiting for Kairi to finish finding his friends within the system. Several minutes passed, longer than it had taken when Axel was doing it, stretching his nerves thinner and thinner. The overall general exhaustion had morphed into a nervous energy, a glassy-eyed staring mingled with jumpiness. His knee started jerking up and down slightly, fingers fidgeting together.
At last, the girl completed her task, hesitated and glanced over. "You ready, Roxas?"
He took a breath, nodded resignedly. She struck a key, and moved quickly out of range. He gritted his teeth together, leaning forward and gripping the edge of the control panel in preparation. A large part of him honestly didn't expect to be able to see his friends again, perhaps ever – he was so sure that, any moment now, the world was going to fly apart, and he'd find himself without warning somewhere else in the castle in the aftermath.
When Olette came onto the screen, he froze. She was smiling, caught mid-laugh at something Pence was saying. Roxas recognised the Usual Spot, mid-afternoon light filtering through the train-tracks, all lain out before him like some kind of unfolding movie.
Any minute now.
Hayner was sitting beside her, an arm slung casually around her waist on the dirty old sofa they'd dragged in from the curb outside someone's house. Pence was perched on the small table they'd acquired in third grade after his mom's spring cleaning.
Craziness, upcoming…
The brunet boy was kicking his legs, a grin on his cheery face. They all – they looked so happy. And peaceful, and… and they didn't even know they were missing someone. Before Roxas even had a chance to feel joy, he was overcome with sadness. He wanted to reach out and touch the screen, try to get close to them… but it would be useless to try. They were – in there. Locked away, trapped and happy. He couldn't even visit them, couldn't think of bringing them out until they wanted to come out.
Kairi and Sora were watching him closely. They tensed faintly as he leaned forward. "They look okay, don't they?" he said softly. The other two relaxed. Kairi sidled over, placed a hand on his shoulder, peered over him at the screen and smiled.
"They look like nice people, Roxas. I'll bet they loved you a lot."
Roxas let out a short, bitter laugh. "When they knew I existed?" He sighed, the hint of despair leaking away as quickly as it rose. After all, he had what he'd wanted – he'd gained his freedom. Even knowing the price, he knew that he'd do it all over again if he had to. "Yeah," he said quietly. "They are nice people. I didn't appreciate them enough while I had them."
Sora shook his head, swinging his seat from side to side. "Don't beat yourself up over that," he chided lightly. "It's just what happens. You grow restless in Twilight Town, and nothing seems okay anymore. What was once enough is just – empty."
Roxas raised his head a little, brow softening. "Yeah. That's – that's just how it happened." His eyes returned to the screen, the self-judgement easing slightly at the boy's words. "Do you think – I'll ever get to visit them?" he asked. Kairi glanced over at Sora, who shook his head slowly.
"Not for social reasons," he answered. "From now on, you're not allowed in the system at all unless someone else wants out. And anyway… by that time, none of your friends would even remember you. Not to mention the fact it'd mess with their programming to see you again. They've been made to forget, but if you tried hard enough, you could shake that." He looked at the panels of controls, fingers running lightly over them. "Twilight Town is a big thing, it's one of the most complicated pieces of machinery to basically ever exist, but it's still fragile. It's built so delicately – it would be too easy to wreak havoc on the people inside. We have to take care of them, the best that we can."
Roxas studied him. "This is really important to you, huh?"
Sora flashed him a tired sort of smile. "Yeah. I've been working on Twilight Town for a long time now. It's important to all of us, but I think it means even more to people like me and Axel, who lived out here our whole lives knowing that the people we loved were so close, but so far out of reach… Even though we've both got the ones we wanted, it's not like you can just sever yourself from that, you know?" He shrugged a little. "I can't imagine just abandoning it simply because I've got what I wanted. There's a lot of people in there that deserve the chance to live a real life, too."
Roxas tilted his head to the side. "That's right – you want them all out, don't you?"
Kairi grimaced. "Don't get him started."
Sora glared. "They deserve to know the truth. They deserve the same opportunities as the rest of us. At least a choice in the matter."
"Sora, they had a choice, right at the beginning," Kairi said, in a tone that suggested the argument was old and well-travelled. "And that was to die on the streets or allow themselves to be taken and put into the network. They're better off where they are." She settled a hand on Roxas' shoulder. "I mean, look at Roxas," she continued earnestly, making the blond blink. "He's having enough trouble adjusting, and that's with wanting to leave, and with Axel helping him every step of the way! We simply don't have enough time, people or energy to bring all those hundreds of kids out, who are just as content where they are!"
Sora lapsed into a sulky silence. Roxas looked at his old friends in their circuitry prison, and wondered if they would want this life – if they had the choice, would they use it to leave, or stay? He had a feeling he knew the answer, and, all over again, was briefly mournful. His life belonged out here. He couldn't imagine having to still be living there. It sent a spark of panic through him, just at the idea. No Axel. No real air. It almost made him want to rush outside, just to gulp down some proper lungfuls, to confirm to himself that he was alive, and free.
He lowered his face, frowning, wishing more than ever that the redhead was around. It wouldn't be that long until he returned, but it still managed to feel like an eternity. After all, he had an entire night to get through before the projected date of Axel's release, and who knew what would occur during those unconscious hours.
Kairi, noticing the sudden loss of interest in the conversation, paused from berating Sora's short-sightedness, hesitated. "Roxas? Are you okay?"
He forced a smile, inhaled through his nose, nodded firmly. "Yeah. I'm okay. I just… you know. I'm thinking of things."
"You don't regret coming here, do you?" Sora asked, cocking his head, blue eyes briefly worried. Roxas' smile became more genuine. He shook his head.
"To be honest, this is the first time I really know I made the right choice," he answered quietly. "I'd prefer – almost anything this world can throw at me, than still…" He gazed over at the screen. "…still being in there. All those walls I didn't even know existed…" They were all silent for a while, just watching the figures on the screen interacting in their make-believe lives, happy and carefree. Roxas still wanted to bring them out into the real world, but – if they were happy…
Roxas smiled wistfully as Olette smacked Hayner's shoulder soundlessly in the Usual Spot. This was where Axel had spent the better part of his life, seeking Roxas out, staring like this, watching his life in that shallow little town. He could understand now why Axel had continued to praise Twilight Town, even while he was in there preparing Roxas to leave; the way he'd admire the colour, the freedom of time and space. He had finally been allowed into Roxas' little life, walking the streets he'd so often seen the blond wandering, breathing the same atmosphere… Roxas remembered, all of a sudden, his promise that they'd find a rooftop to watch the sky from, no matter where they ended up.
All he ever had to do to make Axel happy was tell the truth. He figured it was about time he got around to that, to keeping his promises, just as Axel had kept his.
.o.O.o.
When Roxas entered the dining hall several hours later, he was set upon almost immediately by the bouncing form of Demyx. With Sora and Kairi continuing their shift back in the computer room, there was nothing and no one to keep the excitable musician techie from seizing the blond and dragging him over to their usual, Axel-less table.
Luxord was absent, Zexion sitting with his cast on the metal surface as he conversed with Larxene. Upon arriving, Demyx promptly cut their discussion in half by throwing himself into his lover's lap, leaving Roxas to take the chair beside the blonde woman. She glanced over with mild interest. "Heard you trashed your room," she said, by way of greeting. Roxas scowled, fighting the collapse of his relatively buoyant mood.
"That's not true. My lock jammed, and they had to break me out." Just stick to the same lie, and everything would be fine. Who knew? Maybe it'd become real in time.
Larxene smirked, swivelled in her chair to face him fully, the wry cast to her mouth making Roxas uneasy. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah," he answered testily, fixing her with a hard look. "Really."
"That's not what I heard," she replied in a sing-song, leaning forward and touching her fingertips smugly together. Roxas frowned, averted his gaze, uncertain how he could even argue effectively when she obviously knew more about it than he did.
"Hey, Zexion?" He chose to ignore the woman completely, making her purse her lips. The slate-haired man glanced up from where Demyx was playing with his uninjured hand, blinked in question. "I'm sorry for breaking your arm."
There was a briefly surprised silence. Larxene raised an eyebrow. "It's… fine, Roxas," said Zexion at last, visible eye curious. "We all know it wasn't your fault."
The blond shrugged. "Still. I wanted to apologise."
"Well – thank you," he hedged. "You're forgiven."
Roxas nodded. "Cool." He drummed his fingers on the table. "I'm going to go get some food," he announced abruptly. He rose, feeling like some kind of jack-in-the-box, a lot less bright than he had been when he first entered the room. He really needed to go inspect the damage before anyone else found out about it. He couldn't just – stick his head in the sand and leave things to take care of themselves. Vincent had already suggested the damage wasn't wonderful – it was time he saw it for himself.
He reached the kitchen section of the room, hesitated, and kept going, circling the hall and exiting back into the corridor he'd only left bare minutes ago. He didn't look over to see if anyone had noticed, didn't want to give them the chance to call him back.
His steps took him quickly through the halls, all so automatic now, it was like he couldn't remember ever not knowing the way. It was the way to going home – Axel's room was the core of it all, the heart. He didn't want to have to sleep in Demyx's room, now that the thought occurred to him – it would feel too foreign. Ironically amusing that his pursuit of the unfamiliar had led him to cling to the things he knew best, and cast a wary eye on all that he didn't. In this reality, even in the castle, anything out of the ordinary set him off-balance. But then, it wasn't exactly like he'd had the most stable couple of weeks.
The halls were cold, his feet still bare from the night before. He felt the smoothness of the ground against his soles, the almost painful chill that each step brought. He needed some long sleeves, and his shoes. Everything was in Axel's room. Well – he'd wanted to see the damage, hadn't he? This just meant he couldn't chicken out of it if the door looked too bad.
All too soon, he caught a glimpse of the bright tape Leon had used to section the room off, and scowled. No wonder so many people were noticing – fluorescent orange was bound to draw attention. He was surprised there wasn't a car-crash crowd gathered around murmuring among themselves. Any second now, he was going to stumble across the chalk outline on the ground…
Then again, considering how he got during these – episodes – maybe it was better to not think of anyone actually being harmed.
He drew to a stop directly outside, arms folding over his chest, shoulders hunching, brow creased as his eyes darted to each split in the door, each shattered fragment of wood. It looked like more than it just being broken down to get him out. The cover-story was looking weak all of a sudden, making him flush and close his eyes at the insistence with which he'd been yapping it the instant someone raised the subject. It was pretty obvious that something that gone on here, when everyone was sleeping, and that it didn't just involve a faulty look. He was shamefully grateful for people like Kairi, who would accept his explanation without too much second-guessing. It helped that Leon was backing him up, gave him credibility, but unless this got fixed fast, that wouldn't last too long.
Biting his lip, he forced his posture straight in some silent form of determination, and reached out to draw the bright plastic ribbon aside. When he pushed at the door, it jammed, refused to budge more than a half-inch. He frowned, shoved at it with his shoulder and heard a crunching scrape. "Shit," he muttered. He drew back, stared for a moment, lowered to his knees and pressed his face to the stone floor. Someone, no doubt either Leon or Cloud, or maybe even Vincent, had wedged a chunk of broken wood into the gap under the door, keeping the more inquisitive from sating their curiosity. He wondered what Larxene had even seen to be able to claim he'd trashed his room – then again, she hadn't said that she'd seen anything – just that she'd heard it was trashed. So who had seen inside?
He reached out, tried to push his fingers under to jab the wedge out of the way, ended up cutting his cuticles on the edge. He hissed, bit his tongue with his canine teeth, pulled his hand back and glared down at the traces of blood already leaking out. Damn it, could he go nowhere these days without injuring himself somehow? He huffed in irritation, straightened out his smallest finger and slotted it back under, pushing with difficulty, straining his neck in an effort to keep his eyes in the right place. He grew hot with impatience, shoved some more, twisted his finger and jabbed. At last, he felt it loosen, eyebrows shooting up with relief, tongue poking out between his lips as he worked it a couple more centimetres out. He exhaled loudly, struggled up to standing, brushing off his knees. He grabbed the uselessly hanging handle of the door and gave it a sharp push, heard the wedge crunch and shift. It stopped again, after a foot. The gap was small, but he was just thin enough to squeeze through. He felt the sharp edges scrape at his chest and stomach as he passed, entering the dimness with a deep breath, the smell of Axel hitting him even after all this time.
Brushing at the front of his shirt absently, he started to glance around, stopped sharply, breath leaving for a moment, lips parting in consternation. For the longest amount of time, it just – didn't register in his mind that he had done this. The ferocity, the mindlessness of the destruction, it wasn't… wasn't Roxas. He just wasn't capable of this. Especially not with Axel's room, his belongings…
The blond took a reluctant step further in, pushing the door so it sat back against its frame, looking around slowly. Leon and Cloud had cleaned up the majority of the mess – the bedding was gone, the floor had been mostly swept, though Roxas could feel the sharp points of wood beneath his feet that they had managed to miss. But the mattress was shredded, the wardrobe doors cleaved almost in two. The walls were scarred with gouges, holes, the likes of which he hadn't even thought the keyblades would be capable of. They certainly weren't going to be sharp anymore, that was for sure…
"Jesus," he whispered, dismayed. His eyes wandered to the wall over the bed, froze, whole body going rigid. His lips peeled back into a snarl. "Find mother?"
Sudden anger blossomed up within him, almost an echo of the frustration that had caused all of this in the first place. He wished for his keyblades so he could wreak the devastation all over again, this time with the satisfaction of knowing he was doing it. He wanted to punch the wall, punch himself… None of this was fair. None of it was okay. This was just fucking ridiculous.
His breaths were heavy, chest heaving, teeth grinding together, hands clenching in and out of fists as the pressure in his stomach built up and up, like trapped steam seeking violent release. When a hand touched his shoulder, he spun and nearly punched Aerith to the ground. He jerked visibly, muscles tugging. The woman drew back slightly, worry turning to shock. "Roxas, calm down," she said softly. "It's okay."
"Okay?" He gestured furiously at their surroundings, eyes like slits. "Look what I did to Axel's room," he hissed. "This isn't what I'd call okay."
"It wasn't you," she reminded him. She reached out, ignored his flinching, took the sides of his face gently. "We're going to sort this out, but right now, you have to get a grip. Don't let go, not yet. There's still so much we can do to fight it, but there's nothing your fists can do here."
He closed his eyes, lips pressing tight, forcing the muscles bunching in his shoulders to loosen, releasing his fingers from their clamped position with effort. "Aerith, there's something wrong with me. What if Axel had been here at the time? Look at what I did without even thinking."
Her thumbs brushed his cheeks, eyes full of sympathy. "I know, sweetie. It's hard. But everyone's going to help you out with this. You're not alone."
With difficult, Roxas let go of the anger, felt it drain away, leaving a hard, dark seed but for the moment allowing him uneasy acceptance. "What's Axel going to say?" he wondered miserably. "I've completely wrecked his room. Look at the walls. It's not like we can just – explain this away. Everyone's going to find out eventually."
"And almost everyone already knows you've been having trouble with this sort of thing anyway," she said, hoping to comfort him, making him sink even lower into depression at the realisation that, yes, they all already knew he was a freak. "Axel will understand, Roxas. Do him a favour and give him some credit. You know he's not going to reject you over this, don't you?" She lifted his chin slightly, tilted her head to the side, seeking his eyes for an answer. "Hmm?" He met her gaze unhappily.
"I know. He's dumb like that. I could do just about anything, and he'd forgive me."
She smiled. "It's not being dumb, it's called caring unconditionally. I assure you, it's all very genuine as far as Axel is concerned. There's very little on this planet that could stop him from needing you." She patted him gently. "You, on the other hand, don't get it quite so easy. You need a little more than just love, don't you?" He frowned a little, puzzled. She let him go, stepped back, boots crunching over loose debris. Her green eyes scanned the room slowly before returning to him, concerned and kind. "I saw you leave the dining hall. You didn't look too happy. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds by following you – I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Roxas shook his head. "No, I – I'm pretty sure it's a good thing you did. I can't deal with this right now," he added quietly, lowering his face. "I didn't think it would be this – this…" He gestured uselessly, encompassing the madness.
She nodded in understanding. "It's a little surprising, isn't it?" she commented in a murmur, fingers intertwining against her skirt. "I can't really imagine what it's like for you right now." She stepped back, smiled encouragingly. "How about we get out of here? I made a packed lunch for us to take to the greenhouse, if you were after some time more on your own. I know Demyx is a little overpowering at the moment, but it's only until Axel comes back. He's worried that you'll feel lonely."
Roxas blinked, looked up. "He is? I thought he was just being – Demyx."
She giggled lightly, an astonishing noise to Roxas in this hideous setting, making it all seem a little less fraught, a little less dramatic. If Aerith could stand with him among the destruction and laugh, maybe it meant he wasn't as screwed up as he feared. The sound suggested redemption. He smiled in response. "I think… some solitude would be nice. But – I'm not very good at gardening. I have this problem with identifying weeds from flowers. I – my mom, she… A lot of pixelated peonies got uprooted whenever I was around." He dropped his head, scratching the back of his spikes. "I'll just – get something warmer to wear. And… my shoes, if I can find them."
"Oh, let me. You'll cut your feet up if you keep walking around…" She got a sweater from the wardrobe, still functioning despite the holes, and fetched his shoes from under the bed. He sat on the mattress, feeling the new lumps and crevices from his attack on it.
"Do you know where my keyblades are?" he asked uncertainly. Perhaps they wouldn't let him keep them anymore. Maybe it was considered too dangerous to allow him to wield anything potentially harmful. She glanced over her shoulder at him, from where she was brushing the powder of wood from the front of one of his new sweaters, as yet unworn.
"Leon took them," she answered quietly. "We all thought it was best for your safety right now, at least until it seems like we're making some kind of progress."
He was silent for a minute, gaze drifting, listening to the flop of material as Aerith shook the sweater out. She brought it over, holding it up to his shoulders, eyeing it critically. "I think everything should be fine," she remarked. "I had to make some guesses about your shoulder-width, but it's looking okay."
He smiled thinly. "They're fine. Thank you." He pulled it on, slipped his feet into his shoes, and with one last uneasy glance around the room, exited into the hallway along with Aerith. She pushed the wedge back into place with her toe, pulled the door shut firmly, and replaced the orange tape. They set off for the greenhouse. "Did you enjoy your time with Kairi?" she asked. "She's been wanting to get to know you better for a while now."
Roxas nodded. "Yeah. It was – nice. She's a lot of fun." His next smile was warmer. "She reminds me in a lot of ways of Axel. There's a real similarity between them."
Aerith agreed, laughing softly. "You can certainly tell that they're siblings." Her gaze became curious. "I'm sure this has been asked enough times already, but how are you holding up?"
Roxas sighed. "I miss him. I – I didn't know how much I would. I wish I could just go down there and – and climb into bed with him and sleep with him." He was silent for several steps, contemplative. "I know he'd make sure I was okay."
Aerith smiled fondly. "I'm sure he would, but I was actually talking about your injuries, and your mind. Not just with the sleep-walking – how are you coping with the fact that we can't find the man that did this to you?"
Roxas looked at her blankly. "Aerith. One disaster at a time, please. If I try thinking of everything all at once, I'll go crazy. I – " He turned to face forward, almost startled to be thinking of the attacker again, outside of simply muttering about what an asshole he was. In this insane existence of one thing after another, the mystery attack, the violence and the horror of it all, had been lost, shunted back behind the various other pains and fears and happenings. "I don't know." He really didn't. He thought about it, and couldn't muster up any particular feelings on the subject. "It all happened so quickly. The only thing that really bothers me is that Axel was hurt. I'm not afraid that it's going to happen again, because… well, I don't think it will. The guy that did it was – so obviously crazy. He's got this thing against me without even knowing me…" He frowned. "I guess I just don't expect him back, so there's no need to worry about it – right?"
Aerith's eyebrows lowered, expression tinged with concern, just as it always was these days when Roxas was within range. "I hope this doesn't mean you're not going to continue to be careful."
Roxas snuffed a small laugh. "Aerith, I've had enough, okay? I'm so sick of being hurt, and things being shaken up – you have no idea how much I just want a nice, peaceful life right now. I don't even plan to leave the castle anytime soon, unless it's with Axel. I just…" He closed his eyes, shook his head. "I've had it with the dramas. I'm not going to do anything that's going to stir up trouble." His expression hardened, determination rising up, underlaid with desperation, exhaustion making it so hard to remain positive, but his heart was begging for a break from the pain, his mind pleading for some rest. "This is it, okay? All the bad stuff is out of the way now. I've had my lifetime's share, and I'll figure out a way to make these dreams go away, and life is going to be good, just like Axel promised."
Aerith frowned. "Dreams?"
Roxas was confused. "Huh?"
Her eyebrows rising, she said, "You said 'make these dreams go away'. Are you having bad dreams?"
The blond scowled. "I didn't say anything about dreams. I'm not having bad dreams."
She looked uncertain. "Roxas…"
"Look, I – I don't remember any dreams, okay?" His voice was sharp. "If I said it, I didn't mean it, because in order to want to get rid of them, I'd have to remember them, and I don't. I don't even know when the last time I had a dream was, at all. So forget it."
Aerith was quiet for a moment, before shrugging. "If you say so." She let the issue drop, although Roxas wondered tiredly if sometime in the next few days he'd have someone new asking him about dreams – Vincent perhaps, or even Axel. Aerith had that air about her – she wasn't going to just let this melt away. She would push, and push, and in the end, Roxas would snap. He could feel it, this, this churning turmoil, the sudden upsurge of nausea that told him this wouldn't be left to let lie.
They reached the greenhouse, and Aerith left him to eat the sandwiches she'd constructed while she pottered around. Every now and then he would catch a glimpse of her through the thick foliage, hear the murmur of her voice as she alternately spoke to the plants and hummed quietly. He was reminded with a wrench of his own mother acting in a similar manner, and wondered exasperatedly when this sort of thing would just be normal. He prayed for the day to when he could look upon Aerith's behaviour as just – Aerith herself, instead of having memories surface of someone else.
He sighed, half-heartedly biting the rectangle of bread in his hands, sitting on a low bench with his feet stretched out, ankles hooked one over the other. The tiredness was catching up; he'd gone for too many hours without restful sleep. He ached all over, ribs catching with almost every breath. He knew it was time for him to take some of the painkillers that he'd been sent home with, but they would put him to sleep – he was afraid that if they sank him down too low, he wouldn't be able to rise up again soon enough. He didn't want to give his subconscious any more time in control than it had already stolen.
When Aerith came to check on him, he was resting with his head on his knees, food discarded, breathing slowly. His eyelids hung at half-mast, the urge to stay awake growing more difficult to maintain. Fear fluttered in his belly, but there was no way for him to keep fighting this. It was dragging him under, piece by piece.
She sat, removing one soiled gardening glove, and touched his shoulder. "You should really try and get some rest. We've set up Demyx's room for you until Axel gets back tomorrow. Cloud took his valuables, so nothing will get broken that can't be replaced if you try to get out again."
Dread filled him. "You're going to lock me in."
She sighed, patted him. "I'm afraid of what will happen if we don't, Roxas. It's too dangerous for you to be roaming around, I'm sorry. But this time," she smiled, "no keyblades. That's going to make all the difference, I'm sure." She pulled something from the pocket on her dress, rustled around for a minute. Roxas lifted his head slightly, glanced over and grunted with recognition of the box she was holding. She was going to ply him with the drugs from the hospital. Great. Just what he hadn't wanted. "These will knock you out," she was saying softly. "I know that might not sound ideal right now, but we'll keep checking up on you to make sure you're not doing anything you're not supposed to, and if all goes well…" She held out her hand, met his blue gaze expectantly. He grimaced and held out his palm, watched the tiny white pills drop onto his skin, one and then two. She picked up the bottle of water she'd brought along, unscrewed the cap. "If all goes well, you'll sleep for the rest of today and all through the night." She smiled, handing over the bottle. "Wouldn't that be nice? And then, you'd just need to wake up, and Axel would be back."
Roxas placed them on his tongue, tasted bitterness, felt the chalkiness wash away down his throat as he filled his mouth and swallowed. The thought of disappearing and then reappearing with Axel within reach was soothing. He didn't trust things to go as smoothly as all that, but, well, he'd done it now, hadn't he? He'd taken the pills. That on top of the dragging weariness he already felt would ensure that he was gone for a while, lost inside the darkness, where not even heartbeats could be heard anymore.
He supposed that, even if he ended up going crazy – at least Axel would be around. He didn't mind, if he could hide away in the redhead's arms come the morning.
He just hoped that nothing would go wrong, to keep him from coming home.
