CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Roxas couldn't quite get over his elation at having Axel back. It felt as if, with the redhead finally there again, the two of them back in the castle, everything had settled back down into a smooth line. The jumping, jittering exhaustion was gone, replaced with something so close to peaceful it was intoxicating.
During that day, they were rarely separate – Axel, not yet returning to his regular duties until the next day, tagged along with the resumption of Roxas' training under Zexion. Demyx, with a shift in the dark room, wasn't able to be there – probably a good thing, Roxas supposed, Axel's disgruntled disappointment still hovering.
Every time the redhead was able, he was touching Roxas, stroking his hair, massaging his neck absently while Zexion spoke, holding him in his lap while they watched some demonstration or another. Roxas still didn't understand terribly much of what the slender, slate-haired man was saying, but bits and pieces of information were sinking slowly beneath his skin, the technical language becoming gradually more recognisable.
Mostly, he spent most of his attention on Axel, while trying to look like he was listening. This was the first time in a week that they were actually just able to co-exist, without drama, without frustration. It was… so nice, to be held again, and know that the redhead was there. No more separation, no more angst – anything that went wrong now, he at least didn't have to handle by himself. The help from the others just wasn't the same as the support he got from having Axel's warmth ever-present. Something in him was – calmer, now. The instant he'd woken up, and realised that the wait was over, he'd… he'd relaxed. He felt like, if he went to bed now, all he'd do was sleep. No wandering, no speaking, no vanishing… Just – dreamless sleep.
Dinner came. They sat at their regular table, the group complete again, Roxas leaning against Axel contentedly. His appetite was small, stomach faintly queasy from the tiredness that continued to plague him. He zoned out from the various conversations taking place, allowed words to mix and hum, until the noise of the hall was just one great medley designed to soothe. The sensation was… It brought to mind that first night at the end of his imprisonment in Twilight Town, what felt like a lifetime ago now, when he'd got home after smacking into Axel after work. That feeling of being able to let go once he stepped through the door, leaving the outside world to itself, his woes and worries with it. It was the smell of cooking, the sound of his mother's voice, her small hands… small, covered, clawed hands…
Roxas gasped, jerked, eyes flashing open, not even aware he'd closed them. Axel peered down inquisitively. "You okay?" His voice was a rumble against Roxas' shoulder. The blond nodded, eyebrows knitting together, heart thundering.
"Yeah, just… dropped off a little."
Axel smiled. "You should let yourself go. I'm here to make sure nothing goes wrong, remember?"
Roxas was uneasy. He straightened, running a hand through his hair. "Nah. It's okay. I don't really… feel like it."
Axel raised an eyebrow, but didn't pursue the matter. Larxene, sitting on the other side of the table following the exchange, did. "What could go wrong while you're sleeping?" she asked sceptically. "What's up, Virginal? Why have you spent the last couple days looking like you got hit by a truck, anyway?" She leaned forward, grinning cockily. "Does it have anything to do with you and trashing Axel's room? What'd you do, go nuts?"
Axel glared. "Wow, Larxene, you sure know how to lighten a conversation, don't you? Mind your own damn business."
"Hah!" She smirked. "You boys owe me, remember? I saved both your asses from Mister Silver-Hair, and that means I own you. So tell me what I want to hear, and maybe I'll let you off the hook."
"And here I thought you were displaying signs of actually owning a heart," Axel replied sarcastically. "If I'd known you were expecting something in return, I might have taken my chances with him."
"And then poor little Roxie would be without a boyfriend," she replied, voice dripping with sweetness. "Oh, wait, no he wouldn't. He'd have a new one."
"Larxene," Zexion frowned, Demyx sitting on his knees in a bid to 'hide' from Axel, who had yet to acknowledge him. "Leave them alone."
"Oh, fine, everyone gang up on me," she sighed. "I just wanted to know why the squirt's having trouble."
"I'm just having problems sleeping," Roxas said, struggling to maintain his calm. "It's been… keeping me up."
She snorted. "That's it? Sleeping problems? Boy, you really aren't the toughest kid around, are you?" She adopted a babyish voice, eyes wide and moist, making the blond scowl. "You get some bad dreams, little Roxie?"
"Leave me alone. You don't know what it's like," he muttered. She rolled her eyes.
"Oh, what, you're the only one that has nightmares? What, are you missing your mommy too bad or something?"
"Hey, fuck you," he snarled, standing suddenly and slamming the table. She blinked, jerking back, not expecting the venom in his eyes. "You keep your fucking mouth shut about my mother. You don't speak at all!"
Axel was on his feet in an instant, wrapping his hands around the blond's shoulders. "Roxie, Roxie, calm down, it's okay!"
He was breathing hard through his teeth, flecks of spit hitting the table with each heaving gust. Then he swayed, caught his head in one hand, bewilderment flooding through. "I…"
"It's okay." Axel gently squeezed his shoulders. Most activity around the hall had ceased, Roxas' outburst loud and aggressive. At the Committee table, Leon and Cloud both frowned, Aerith looking worried. People were staring. Roxas lowered his head, felt beads of sweat forming across his brow, grimaced at the suddenly bitter tang at the back of his tongue as his stomach gave a lurch. He allowed himself to be guided back down to his chair, confused and dizzy. "I'm sorry," Roxas mumbled.
Larxene blinked several times, pinned by the glares of the men at the table, even Luxord, who up until then had been absorbed in reading a newspaper. "Hey, don't look at me like that," she said defensively. "I didn't mean to break him."
"You didn't break him," responded Axel coldly. "But you were a bitch, as per usual."
She grew irritated. "Hey, if the kid isn't going to share, it's only natural I draw my own conclusions. So get off my back. He's not the only one of us suffering – he's not the only one that's lost. So he needs to stop acting like maybe he is, and get his head straight." She pursed her lips, stood, smoothed her hair back. "I'll see you assholes later. I've got work to do." She walked from the hall, a swing to her hips. Axel glared until she was gone, before turning his softening gaze down to the shivering blond.
"Roxas?" he asked quietly. "Do you want to go lie down?"
"No!" He sat up sharply, wiped his face. "No, I'm sorry, I – I shouldn't have snapped like that." He shook his head. "I don't know, I just – she got under my skin. I don't care anymore. It was dumb."
Axel's eyes darted up to the others at the table. Demyx made a helpless sort of face and shrugged, while Zexion frowned. Luxord raised an eyebrow. "Don't mind Larxene," the man said after a beat. "She's got her own problems. She's not very tolerant of other people being in distress more than she is."
"What problems does Larx have?" Axel retorted. "I mean, aside from the obvious."
Luxord shrugged, going back to his paper. "Not my place to say."
"Fine, keep your secrets," he grumbled. He looked over at Roxas, eyebrows knitted. The other occupants of the hall were gradually returning to their meals, the din resurfacing slowly. "You okay?" Axel asked softly. Roxas sighed, didn't know whether to nod or shake his head.
"I feel like crap," he said bluntly. "My head is just about swimming, but I don't want to go to sleep. I thought with you here I'd be okay, but…" He scowled, rolled his shoulders, feeling as though there was something creeping on prickled feet up his spine. "I feel weird."
"You sure look it," Demyx chirped. Blue and green eyes narrowed, making him cover his mouth. "Kidding?"
Axel rolled his eyes, shook his head, rubbed Roxas' back soothingly. He leaned in towards the blond's ear. "Hey, how about we go for a walk? Unless you're still hungry?"
Roxas closed his eyes, nodded. "A walk… sounds nice. I need to clear my head."
Axel stood first, helping the teen to his feet. Roxas scowled at the weakness washing through him, felt a wave of misery follow closely in its wake. The redhead quickly kissed his temple, and although he flashed an encouraging smile, Roxas wearily saw the lines of worry that couldn't be eradicated. God, he was so sick of people worrying about him, worrying because of him. He'd almost forgotten what it was like to just be, and have no one staring, no one asking if he was okay. He was such an idiot.
Axel's eyes touched quickly on Zexion's, the other man nodding. "We'll see you two in the morning. Roxas – try to get some rest."
Roxas sucked in a breath, almost a laugh, and didn't respond. Axel's arm wound itself around his waist, and together they exited the hall. No one tried to stop them, or call to see if Roxas was alright. As they passed Kairi's table, the girl looking like she was going to speak, Axel cut her a warning glance, made a small gesture with his hand. She subsided, and they left the dining hall without having to procure explanations.
They started walking down the corridor, the first few minutes passing in silence. Roxas wasn't sure where they were going, or if Axel even had a clear idea in mind, but as long as they continued to move, he didn't really care. They were leaving the outburst further and further behind.
Axel's fingers feathered along the skin under the back of his shirt, offering the comfort Roxas had claimed to be all he wanted just last night to Vincent.
"He can't save you. Don't be too hopeful."
He realised, stomach sinking, that he had been. It was like he'd expected the redhead to be able to cure him, just through being there, caring more than anyone else. But the seed of the problem still remained within Roxas himself, and it seemed that no amount of comfort was going to make that go away. He'd pinned too much on Axel's homecoming, and now that fragile little card castle was falling apart.
Axel watched him as they walked, curious and wary. "How're you feeling now?" he asked quietly, when the sound of their footsteps had become a metronome. Roxas grimaced, rubbed his sore eye with the heel of his palm.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go off at her. I'm trying to keep it together, but… I'm tired, Axel. And, I don't know, Larxene, she…"
"She mentioned your mom, right?" the redhead murmured.
Roxas halted, glaring, shrugging Axel off sharply. "What the fuck has that got to do with anything?"
He smiled lop-sidedly. "Hello, answer."
Roxas was confused. Once again, the ire faded as swiftly as it flared, leaving him woozy, muscles shivering. "Wait – what?"
"'Follow mother'," Axel said musingly. Roxas lunged, swinging a fist savagely. Axel ducked out of the way with an exclamation, watched the knuckles crunch against the wall. Roxas jerked to a stop, mouth forming an 'o', arm stiff. Tears sprang automatically to his eyes, a gasp sucking in, eyebrows drawing together. Slowly, his lips peeled back from his teeth, a gradual hiss escaping. He withdrew his hand, shaking, and looked down at the throbbing, bruising flesh with bewilderment. Axel's eyes were slits, hands even deeper in their pockets, mouth a thin line.
"Hey, Rox? Follow mother."
"Shut the fuck up," the boy panted, voice trembling, blinking away the moisture angrily. His chest hitched up as he pulled his hand tenderly close to his throat, pressed the uselessly thrumming fingers to his skin, the pain pulsing and tingling.
"Follow. Mother."
Roxas' eyes squeezed shut. "Stop saying that. Stop it, Axel."
"Gonna try and punch me again?"
"No," the blond growled. He turned his hot gaze onto the redhead. "I'm sorry, okay? So just stop."
"Roxas – "
"Don't say it again!"
Axel approached slowly, hands lifting to gently touch Roxas' head, sliding down to his cheeks. The blond ducked his face quickly, breathing hard. "This is the root of it," Axel said calmly. "This is the problem. There's something in you not accepting that your mom is dead."
"Shut up," Roxas spat, not looking up. "Don't even mention her."
"Why not?"
"Just because." His voice gave out, became a hoarse whisper, eyes darting everywhere. "Please, I don't like you talking about her. You're a good boy, so please, please just listen to me."
"We can't just ignore this," Axel argued quietly. "We've found it, Rox, and now we can figure out a way to fix you."
Roxas clenched his jaw, sucked in a breath. "I don't feel like being fixed just now," he said, as steadily as he could. "We were meant to be clearing my head, Axel, not filling it with – with more bullshit than I can even handle."
"This is more than you can handle?" the redhead asked seriously, voice low. Roxas' eyes flashed open, leapt up to the green, and a second later he was on him, lips pressing desperately onto Axel's, tongue laving at the join of his mouth, sliding through the startled opening, kissing him hard enough to hurt. His hands scrabbled for a moment, before latching on to handfuls of red spikes, tugging down painfully, fingers pressing through to dig his nails into the scalp. He closed his eyes, shoved himself closer, their bodies tight together. Axel grunted, whether in pleasure or anger Roxas couldn't be certain, but he continued the attack, anxiety filling his every pore, panic a fire in his lungs.
He couldn't think about it. He wouldn't. Axel couldn't make him. Distract with lust. His hand shifted down to the zipper on Axel's pants, fingers fumbling, starting to tug it down, tongue just about choking the redhead as he thrust it deeper, a gagging device.
Just as Axel began to regather his wits, hands sliding against Roxas' chest and preparing to push to break the increasingly painful union, someone came across them, yelped, "Whoa-ho-ho! Oops! Sorry!"
They burst apart, gasping, dazed, Axel's teeth grinding together as Roxas scraped his hands through his hair, breathing hard. "Yu-Yuffie! Hi! How's it going?"
"Ah…" She chuckled, hands on hips, eyebrows high. "Well, not as good as you guys, that's for sure. You should be charging for this kind of entertainment."
Axel's hand wrapped over Roxas' shoulder, squeezing hard, making the boy flinch. His lips parted in a thin, bloodless grin, jaw clamped. "Well, we'd certainly make a fortune," he said, pumping an element of cheer into his voice as effectively as he could. "Me and Roxie, we're a sexy couple of beasts. What's up, Yuffie? Come to welcome me home?"
She winced, cocking a hip to one side, scratching her head. "Well, sort of, I guess. I suppose I can extend it to you both?" She flashed Roxas a guilty glance. "Sorry I haven't been to see you yet. I've been busy." She sighed. "Vincent left today, though, so I'm kind of at a loose end."
"Oh." Axel's grip loosened briefly, as he frowned. "He's going after the freak, right?"
She smiled regretfully, nodded. "Yup. Let's just hope he gets the guy this time." She seemed to notice a slight tension in the air, tipped her head to one side. "You guys okay? I mean, I've been keeping up with the physical reports – it's not that I didn't care enough to come see you. You're both looking a little flushed…" She winked. "But then, who wouldn't be after that little session? You guys don't do things halfway, huh?" She peered at Roxas, an eyebrow lifting. "What about you, kid? Not going to say hi? I didn't mean to ignore you since you got back… I've been asking about you from Aerith, if that makes it better?"
"Yeah, it's fine." He forced a shaky smile. "I just…" He swallowed. "I don't feel too great."
Her brow furrowed with concern. "Well, what are you doing wandering the halls then? You need to get to bed."
"No, that's not going to happen yet," Axel cut in pleasantly. "We were walking, so Roxas could…" He cast him a sideways look. "…clear his head."
"Uh…huh." Yuffie seemed to realise she was missing something in all of this, glanced from one to the other speculatively. "Well, if you're looking for something to do, I heard Sora's been wanting to talk to you, Axel. He's doing his shift now, so if you wanted to go check that out, it'd kill some time, right?"
He inhaled slowly. "Yeah. That could work." He looked at Roxas, whose gaze was lowered to the floor. A burst of frustration crossed the redhead's expression, but with the ninja around, there was nothing he could do. He wasn't going to drag this into a public arena – not yet, at least. He turned back to her with a tight smile. "I'll go now. Thanks for letting me know." He released Roxas, fingers tingling, the boy's shoulder no doubt bruised by now. He nodded to the brunette, started walking. Roxas looked up in panic, realising he was being left behind. Yuffie was beginning to frown, understanding less and less with each passing exchange between the two who had apparently been passion-locked only minutes ago.
"I – I could come, too," Roxas choked out. Fear flooded him, of being left alone, of Axel leaving him angry like this. Without Axel – he had no one. When the redhead paused, but didn't turn, he blurted, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I didn't – want to…"
Yuffie's eyebrows lifted. Roxas darted her a desperate look. Axel sighed. "Yuffie, we'll see you around. Rox, come on." As Roxas joined him, he said quietly, "That's only so she doesn't ask questions, got it? I'm not happy with you, Rox. Not even a little bit."
The blond closed his eyes, berated himself. What the hell had possessed him to just – force himself on Axel like that? It's not like Axel wasn't up for it every other minute of the day, but… the way Roxas had done it… It had just been to stop him asking questions. Almost anything would be better than having to talk about his mom. And this… it puzzled him. All of a sudden, Roxas was awash in confusion. Why didn't he want to talk about his mom? Why did the mention of her make him snap so badly? He'd pretty much figured that his subconscious reaction to her death was part of the problem, but he hadn't imagined even for a moment that it could have been as bad as all this. He'd tried to punch Axel. He'd rammed the redhead against a wall, never minding the fact that his shoulder had been stabbed only a week ago, and tried to silence him by almost giving him a hand job in the hall. What the hell was wrong with him?
A slow-boiling anger replaced the bafflement, intensely self-directed. After everything Axel was already enduring from him – the destruction of his room, the pain he'd been put through, the worry, the frustration – now he was trying to actually hurt him? For what? For caring?
Roxas lowered his head, scowling. Axel wasn't even looking at him. They left Yuffie behind, to think what she would, and made their way through the castle towards the main computer lab. Axel didn't speak the entire way, and Roxas… he didn't know what to say. An apology was definitely in order, but… if he did – Axel would want to continue the discussion. And he couldn't face it. He couldn't.
So the silence stretched, their footsteps echoed through the empty halls, the air growing thicker and tighter with every breath. Roxas' knuckles ached and stung, just to add to it all. But then, it was better this way than Axel's face feeling it. He glanced over uncertainly. The man had his head held up, gazing straight ahead with a flat expression in place. Damn it, he'd had him back for not even a day, and he was already screwing it all up.
Their feet passed onto the metal grating of the walkway, then onto the tiles as they entered the lab. Sora was in there, hunched over the keyboard in the main chair, the room dark except for the dim, steady glow from the screen, unnerving Roxas. The last time he'd been in here, when it looked like this, was when he'd been sleep-walking. He wondered if it would ever feel normal again, being here at night. He suspected the memory would always rise.
Axel glanced around the room, an eyebrow raised. "Where's your partner?"
Sora jumped, nearly banged his nose on the keys it was hovering so close above them, and twisted around, blinking dazedly. "Axel?"
The redhead spread his arms, shrugged. "You wanted me?" He spoke shortly, not bothering so much with the happy-act around his fellow technician. Sora pursed his lips with a frown, nodded, attention turning back to the screen intently. "I need your opinion on something." Axel flicked a glance at the blond.
"Roxas, take a seat."
Sora blinked, glanced back. "Roxas? Oh, sorry. Didn't see you."
Roxas smiled weakly. "That's okay. It's not like I'm… all there, if you know what I mean." Sora blinked for a moment, before breaking into a brief grin. Axel scowled, shifted over to peer at the screen.
"Why'd you send Yuffie to get me?"he muttered. "She's not exactly a techie."
Sora rolled a shoulder uncomfortably. "Yeah, well, I'd kind of prefer it if no one from our side of things knew I was asking for help."
Axel lifted a brow sardonically. "You mean, aside from me and Rox?" When Sora's only answer was a serious expression, he frowned. "What's going on? You mean to tell me you don't want even Riku to know?"
Sora was unhappy, sinking low in his chair. "DiZ won't let me, and I understand why. But I can't figure this out on my own, no matter how hard I try, and, well, you were in hospital when some of the freaky stuff happened, so I figured it was safe to ask…"
"Safe," Axel echoed suspiciously. "What're you getting at?"
Sora grimaced. "Something's going on with Twilight Town. Things are… messing up a little."
Axel glanced over to where Roxas had settled himself into the smaller chair, hands squeezed between his knees, gazing blankly at the bank of controls. At Sora's words, he'd blinked, frowned, glanced over. "What's wrong with Twilight Town?"
Sora shook his head helplessly. "Well, like I said, I can't figure it out. I don't know yet." He tapped a finger to his lips, then pointed at the blond. "This is – a good thing, actually, having you here. Things were obviously going wrong before you got out – that thing in the tunnels, with the wonder – that flat-out was not supposed to happen." He sighed regretfully, looking over to the screen, where the indecipherable computer language tumbled in columns. Axel swung his head to look at Roxas, eyes narrowing.
"That's right – that one went wrong, didn't it? You were – scared."
"Roxas got the shit beaten out of him, by the sound of it," Sora contributed, studying the symbols absently. Axel glared, one side of his face lit up starkly, the other in dim shadow.
"Why didn't you tell me at the time?"
"What's it matter now?" Roxas mumbled. "I was too freaked out. I didn't want to. Besides, that's when you weren't supposed to be there, so you couldn't have said anything anyway."
"I would have," the redhead replied sharply. Sora glanced up, eyebrows raised.
"Whoa, who spat in your potato soup? Ease up, man, Roxas didn't know what was going on."
Axel pinched the bridge of his nose with irritation. "Look, Sora, what the hell do you want? I'm getting to the point of wanting to scream here."
"Yeah, and you arrived like that, so don't take it out on me," the brunet replied curtly. "I want you to help me search through the databases for unauthorised entrances into the town. Things are getting way too weird in there for my liking."
"Like how?" Roxas asked in concern. "My friends – are they okay?"
Sora shot him a crooked grin. "Sure, they're fine," he reassured. Roxas didn't like the way he could so easily switch between worry and easy smiles. He felt like he was being humoured – things were obviously not going great, but Sora wasn't about to let him know. The brunet explained, "There's nothing wrong with the people – nothing really happening, as far as I can tell…" His face fell into confusion. "That's what's making it so hard to find. Because there really is something going wrong."
"Okay, fine, I'll help," Axel said impatiently. "Is it okay for Roxas to stay? He won't do anything."
Sora waved a hand. "Sure, no problem." He winked at the blond. "We already know you're not going to flip out, right?"
"Well, I guess there's a first time for everything," said Axel, not quite completely under his breath. Both sets of blue eyes in the room widened. Sora sent Roxas a questioning look, but the blond merely wallowed in his guilt and hurt, and directed his gaze miserably elsewhere.
Systematically, Axel and Sora started searching through the system files, while Roxas swung slowly back and forth with the toe of his foot, listening to the squeak that occurred in the same place every time, gazing unseeingly at the bank of controls. Two hours passed, filled with murmurs of disjointed observation, the steady clicking of keys. Roxas struggled to stay awake, eyelids dropping lower every now and then, head growing thicker, as though a steady feed of cotton was being inserted through one ear. The swinging stopped, and for a long time simply sat there, staring dully into space.
"Roxas…?"
His eyes slid shut. "What is it, mom?"
"What was that?" Axel's voice cut across the room like a whip, startling both Sora and Roxas out of their increasingly sleepy stupors. Sora had, for some time now, simply watched the screen while Axel typed, growing more and more drowsy. Roxas was blinking rapidly, eyebrows knitted, Axel's gaze fierce.
"What?"
"What did you say?" the redhead insisted. Roxas shook his head, bewildered.
"I didn't say anything. I was just sitting here."
"No, you mentioned your mom. I heard you," the man said sharply. Roxas scowled.
"I didn't, Axel. I mean…" His expression melted into one of doubt. "I didn't – did I?"
"You did." The redhead sighed, wiped his face. "I don't get this," he mumbled. He grimaced. "Okay, we need to get out of here. You need to be sleeping. It's way too late for anymore of this bullshit."
Roxas felt panic flutter up. "I don't want to go to bed yet."
"Well, I do,"Sora muttered. "I've been working for hours – Naminé should have come to relieve me ages ago." He turned pleadingly to Axel. "I don't know what's going on with you and Roxas, but if you're leaving, can you guys just hold the fort for a while? Until I find her?"
"What, are you serious?" the redhead complained.
"I don't mind," said Roxas quickly. "Go ahead, Sora. I'll stay."
"And wherever Roxas went, Axel was sure to go, right?" Sora bounced up, looking suddenly more awake with his brightness. "Awesome, you guys, thanks a bunch. I'll be back, I swear! Or – well – someone will."
Axel's eyes narrowed as he watched the brunet scamper away. Once Sora's footsteps had faded, he looked over at Roxas, who was watching him warily. He scowled, stomped in front of the large chair and sat down. Roxas sighed. "So, is this going to continue for long? Are you just going to stop talking to me now?" Axel didn't reply, drummed his fingers against the arm of the chair and stared moodily at the screen. Roxas frowned. "Hey, it's not like you haven't done worse."
Axel paused, looked over with a brow arching. "Are you using my past against me, now, Roxas? Are you saying that me being a slut before you came along makes what you did to me earlier okay?"
Frustrated, Roxas twisted the seat to face the redhead, snapped, "No, it's not. What I'm saying is please, stop treating me like I did something so wrong."
"What you did was wrong," Axel replied sharply. "You jumped me to shut me up, because you can't handle talking about your mom. What the hell is going to happen to you, Rox? Are you just gonna pack up and return to Twilight Town, so you can pretend your parents are real again? Larxene was right," he added darkly, looking away. "Never thought I'd say it, but she's got you there, buddy. Everyone's lost someone. Stop acting like you're the only one precious enough to have feelings about it all."
Roxas stared, a numbness stealing over him. The thought occurred to him to grab the chair and repeat his first viewing all over again – bash the hell out of everything, and know it this time… Because this wasn't fair, he wasn't doing it out of selfishness…
"You think I like this?" he asked tightly. "You think I enjoy feeling like I'm gonna hurl every time someone starts talking about her? Or how I keep doing weird shit, how this whole fucking sleep-walking thing is pretty much directly connected to her?" He grew angry. "Actually, you know what? Fuck you. I can talk about her. I talked about her to Vincent! And you know why I didn't freak out? Because he did it right." He glared. "He didn't push and try to break it out of me – he just asked a couple of questions, and everything was fine. But you – you just had to hammer me down, didn't you? Had to fucking – fucking push and push until – " He shook his head sharply, hands forming fists on his knees. "What did you expect to happen, Axel?" he demanded. "Was that meant to spark an epiphany? Was it meant to burn it out of me? What?"
"I want to fix you," Axel snapped in return. "It's kind of hard when you refuse to even admit that there's a problem."
"I am a fucking problem right now," Roxas hissed through his teeth. "All I do, everywhere I go, is mess things up. Don't you think I'm sick of that? Don't you think I want to be normal? Okay, believe me – before you arrived this morning, I was aware that there were problems connected to my mom's death – I know that there's some part of me fighting against it – but you just trying to fix me isn't working."
Axel threw his hands up in exasperation. "So what am I supposed to do, then? I told you it would be okay, didn't I? How am I supposed to make good on that if you're not telling me what's going on? You didn't even tell me about my room this morning! I gave you the chance, and you totally tried to avoid it! How can I help, Roxas?"
"I don't think you…" His voice, loud at first, dropped all of a sudden. "…can." He shook his head hopelessly. "Vincent was right," he said simply. "You can't save me. Not from this."
"Yeah? Well… fuck Vincent," the redhead grumbled. A silence developed, the air humming with the leftover power of their voices. Roxas felt a chasm between them, and dropped his head onto his arms.
"I'm sorry," he said unhappily. "I know I fucked up, okay? I just – you made me panic, and…"
"And the best way to shut me up is to stick your tongue down my throat," Axel finished in a murmur. He shrugged. "Guess I've got no one to blame but myself for that."
"I'm sorry," Roxas repeated. Axel sighed, leaned back in his chair, sliding down so that his knees pressed against the edge of the control panel. He ran a hand through his spikes.
"Is there really nothing I can do?" he asked, calmly this time, the anger burnt out between them. Roxas studied him for a moment. Before the coolness could become an ice, he stood abruptly, walked over to where the man was, and sat on him, straddling his legs. Startled, Axel blinked, scowled. "Roxas…" he said warningly. Roxas shook his head.
"I'm not." He shifted closer, leaned in and kissed the redhead. Axel was unresponsive, eyes narrow, remaining limp as Roxas' mouth moved against his own. Unperturbed, the blond kissed the corner of his lips, and moved on to his cheek, tracing a line of soft pecks up and down the skin.
"Roxas, you should really get off me," Axel said dully. Roxas paused, pulled back slightly, met his eyes.
"Axel, this is it," he said firmly. "I'm not trying to avoid the subject, I'm showing you what you can do to help. This is it."
Axel's expression was withering. "So I'm your fuck-toy, am I? When you're with me, you don't need to think?"
"Yeah," answered Roxas truthfully. "The last part, at least." He hesitated. "When I'm with you, I don't feel bad anymore. I don't have to think, and I don't have to worry… it's the only time I'm relaxed, even just a little bit. For once, all I have to do is feel…"
Axel's gaze became tentative. "You're serious?" he asked, a little doubtful, not entirely trusting the blond's intentions.
"He'll make me feel better, at least. I know he will. Right now – a little comfort is really all I want."
"Yeah. I am." Roxas' eyes were clear for the first time that night, meeting Axel's without uncertainty.
Displeased, Axel said, "I want to help, though. I don't want you to go through this anymore." He frowned. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I just – I want answers, Rox. And you're not giving me any."
"Other people know, though," Roxas pointed out. "I know you want to be the one to do it… to fix me… but…" He shrugged, swallowed, averted his gaze. "Maybe… you need to let me go for this. I think someone like Aerith or Vincent has a better chance… more patience, maybe."
Axel snorted. "And right on cue, Vincent leaves the castle. Fucking perfect." He shook his head slowly, breathing in. "So you're saying that all I can do is distract you? That's my role in all of this?"
"Just – just the crazy part," Roxas offered, cringing slowly. "I know that's kind of – a big part of me now, but… yeah."
Axel fixed him with a hard look, watching him for a minute. Roxas endured the inspection, holding his breath, listening to the pulse thump in his aching head. "Okay, then. I guess." The redhead didn't sound happy. "If that's what you want." He squinted. "Does this mean I have to, like, make-out on demand now?"
Roxas smiled, relief washing over him in a cool wave, stilling the buzzing in his veins, the fear in his gut. This was what Axel was good for – not burrowing down to the root of the problem, not making it go away, but – making it better. He calmed Roxas, kept his head level, stopped him from spinning off into the outer-space of angst, reeled him in if he happened to. This was what Axel was needed for.
"Don't act like you wouldn't want it," he said dryly. The redhead gave a crooked grin, the first in hours, and whatever chasm had been lengthening between them dissipated in an instant.
"Don't act like this isn't all just some elaborate excuse to get into my pants," Axel countered, leering slightly. "You know, Rox, all you had to do was ask. Don't be shy, now." Roxas bent in to kiss him, slowly this time, Axel participating, a peace offering from each party, a recognition that the air was clean again. As the blond pulled away, Axel sighed, "Why do I feel like I just whored myself out?"
"Because you're my whore," Roxas growled, settling his elbows on the man's shoulders. Axel blinked, stunned for a moment, and Roxas faltered, wondering if he'd touched upon a sore point. But then came the grin.
"That – was the hottest thing I have ever heard you say. You just talked dirty to me, Rox. I can't believe you just talked dirty to me." He licked his lips, eyes shining. "I liked it."
Roxas arched a brow, touched him on the nose. "Don't get used to it. I'll only use it on special occasions."
"Is breakfast a special occasion?"
"Depends on what you feed me," the blond smirked. Axel groaned.
"You're such a fucking tease."
Roxas settled his chin onto his hands, pupils dilating the closer they got. "Am I?"
Axel paused, eyed him off. "…Are you?"
Sora returned, footsteps clanging, Riku and Vaan following behind, the two fairer males looking less than pleased. "You owe us big," Vaan grumbled. He pointed at Axel and Roxas. "You two. Off my chair."
"Who says you get the big chair?" Riku challenged.
"Me," replied Vaan shortly. "You get extra sex for this, what do I get? The big chair. It's only fair." Riku thought for a moment, seemed to find the conditions acceptable, and went over to the smaller seat. Roxas struggled up, Axel following.
"Thanks, guys," Sora chirped happily. "You going to bed now? I know I am!" The two techies replacing him shot over glares. Axel smirked.
"Yeah, bed sounds good." He glanced lazily over at Roxas. "Care to join me?"
The blond rolled his eyes. "I don't know if I should. I feel like I've enabled something which doesn't necessarily work to my advantage."
"Oh, no," Axel reassured suggestively, eyes gleaming. He hung himself over the teen's shoulders, fingers brushing against his stomach. "It definitely does."
"Dude! Straight man in the vicinity!" Vaan declared, covering his ears. "If I'm not going to listen to Yuffie and Tifa discussing their sexual experiences, I'm sure as fuck not gonna listen to you."
"You didn't listen? What are you, gay?" Riku smirked. Vaan flipped him off. The silver-haired teen leaned back, said, "Can you guys walk Sora to our room? I don't like him being alone at night since that guy broke in."
Sora snorted. "Please, Vincent would've found him, Riku." The boy shrugged.
"I don't care. I want you safe."
Sora exhaled noisily. "Yes, mother."
Roxas flinched. Some of Axel's exuberance died down, his hold tightening around the blond. He kissed the teen's ear. "It's going to be okay," he whispered. Roxas forced a smile.
"Of course. I can be fixed, right?"
Axel hesitated. "We'll make sure of it." Sora waited at the door, impatient.
"You guys, save the pillow talk for later. I'm sleepy," he whined. Axel rolled his eyes.
"We're coming, we're coming."
"Do it on your own time," Riku said in a sing-song.
"Jesus, what are you, the castle comedienne tonight? Shut the fuck up," Vaan grouched. The three males left, Axel and Roxas escorting Sora to his own room, before returning to Demyx's. They entered the cool interior, Axel blowing out a sigh.
"I can stay if you want," he offered. He held his hands up before Roxas could state the inevitable, added, "No strings attached, I swear. I just want you to get some sleep for once."
Roxas considered for a moment, eyeing the bed, remembering that yes, it was the enemy – and Vincent wasn't even around this time. He felt a stir of nervousness. "You'd need to lock us in. In case I get up while you're asleep."
Axel frowned. "You sure? I thought maybe they were just being a little extreme…"
Roxas shook his head. "No," he said softly. "It's – necessary." Axel nodded slowly.
"Alright, then."
Roxas peeled off his clothes, sighed at the lack of shower, but knew that to suggest it now would send the redhead into wild lecher mode. He still remembered the last time they took a shower together, and didn't think his overstressed heart could stand the strain.
He climbed into the bed, the sheets chilly, the pillow soft, and burrowed down, facing the wall. Axel opened the door, engaged the outside lock, clicked it shut again, sealing them in. There was a rustling of material as he disrobed, before the mattress sank under his weight. He moved up cautiously behind the blond, curled an arm around his waist.
"Here we are again," he murmured. "Everything back to its beginning." Roxas nodded, face burying into the pillow. A new kind of nervousness filtered through; he wondered what Axel would do now. They were both half-naked, close, in a bed… He could feel Axel's breaths fanning his bare shoulder. The man's fingers brushed his stomach softly. "Go to sleep, Roxie," he whispered. "I'm taking care of you."
Roxas hesitated, nodded again. He closed his eyes. Watched over by Axel, he slept.
