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Spock is sorting things out.
In days following hand incident Spock avoided Captain's smiled eyes and kept to himself responding only in professional manner. He had indulged his Human research long enough. He had a choice long ago and he did decide to tend to his Vulcan side. That choice was important to him because he had no luxury of whole human to indulge to his emotions. His emotions were deeper and his reaction impossible to cultivate so it was even more important for him to stay detached and logical than for other Vulcan's. For them logic and suppression was like breathing, Spock had to put an effort to it.
His Captain put that effort to a test and Spock didn't like how he passed on that test. He held Captain's hand just to show him why he shouldn't pursue that line of action, he waited for him to back down and withdraw but he didn't. Afterwards Spock knew he should expect of him to endure, after all Captain has shown he was more than capable to withstand pain and any uncomfortable feeling.
For Spock the feeling that rose from his hand was dangerously close to triggering burning of his blood, and that was very dangerous place to stand upon. There he would lose ability to differentiate between violence and lust. After awakening Vulcan blood to burn there would be lost the choice for the other, that wouldn't be a place of choosing, only choice would be compliance or death, Vulcan blood would accept any of those without discrimination. There were no real danger of his blood to turn to Plak Tow on the spot, it took time for the blood to overcome disciplined mind, but he never before came even remotely close to that state of the body.
It took several days of meditation before he could look at the face of his Captain without feeling shame that he brought friendship Captain offered him to that dangerous border of violence. It wasn't Captain's place to know what danger lies ahead of his current course of action. Spock considered for brief moment to explain those things to the Captain but he was quick to disregard that course. Not only that it would be highly inappropriate it would force him to form into words things he didn't care to admit loudly, and other, more important thing, was that Captain wouldn't be discouraged by the danger. On contrary Captain thrived on danger, he show his best ingenuity in most deadly situations. Spock wasn't ready to put Captain's ability to outwit logic to a test. Besides Captain seemed to have good sense for borders and he would never push further than Spock was willing to let him; at least in the matter that weren't related to ship and crew's safety.
That's why after few smiles and jokes Captain let their daily communication to return to necessity of duty and reports. Spock admired that he could do that, humans would rarely be able to keep serious and professional manner. Only thing that was left for Spock to regret was the thing he did at the end. There was a need to let go of Captain's hand, and he felt it from the moment they touched, but under that need there was reluctant feeling of regret of that departure. As they hands were connected it was like in that few moments Spock wasn't alone, he could easily feel Captain's mind open and responsive, warm even. He resisted the urge to explore further, but the pull was there and when he realized Captain won't back down he released his hand. Only thing was that his fingers didn't comply as they should and as he withdrew they traced a path along Captain's palm as they were magnetized too his skin. And on their path tip of Spock's fingers brushed against Captain's. For a briefest of moments there was a connection, clear, open path between their minds and Spock's mind shuddered. And that last thing was the one that needed meditation to be purified and put aside.
It was until they were stranded on yet another planed that Spock's walls against his Captain were set in place. Enterprise was out of reach because there was a new type of disease on that planet. As they waited for the Doctor to do his job and produce a new type of cure Captain got the fewer. There was nothing for Spock left to do, he gave his findings to the doctor so he complied with McCoy's instructions and sat beside his ill Captain. He saw no use of him sitting there but it was more than just standing aside waiting.
"Water" Captain came about and Spock complied handing him glass of water. "What's our status?" he asked after Spock put away empty glass.
"Doctor is making progress, it shouldn't be long now Captain" Spock said frowning at his closed eyes.
"Jim" murmured the Captain.
"What Jim Captain?" Spock was confused for a second analyzing all the people they met here.
"I'm Jim Spock" Captain shook his head slowly "that's my name. Could you use it, I feel even worse lying here without you calling me captain all the time, I feel like I should jump up and run whenever you say it, like there is a danger ahead."
Spock hesitated for a moment, it was very out of his character to use such intimate way of addressing anyone, but the Captain was ill and this was no time to explain and argue his way of addressing others.
"Jim" he said and paused as Captain's lips lifted in a smile "vaccine will be ready soon."
"That's better" Captain sighed "now I know I'm incapacitated, illogical, human that is sick and I can get to sleep, you're in charge Mr. Spock."
With that Captain slipped into sleep. Spock continued to sit there and stared at Captain's sleeping form. As he watched he still felt shape of his name in his mouth, like it had flavor and color; that name almost had a taste for Spock. With recognizing that taste Spock finally resigned to the fact that when Captain wakes up he will continue their communication and let him smile at Spock because he really had no choice. The choice was to leave Enterprise but that he would never do, traveling with that ship had advantages to Spock that he couldn't find elsewhere. That's why he'll continue to have this… friendship with his Captain, Jim, because there was no way around it. Captain had his way of addressing others, and Spock had his discipline and training against uncontrolled emotions. Surely his training would be able to contain and control such a harmless feeling as affection for the sleeping man.
There were many reasons to justify that kind of affection, man surely had many qualities, but there was just one reason not to withdraw into safety of his efficient and cold walls. Captain needed him to keep him on course, and that was his main duty as first officer. To do that he has to know the man, to be in tune with where he was, how he was. It was a price of the duty he took upon himself. When he joined Star Fleet and surrounded himself with humans he knew it will come with a price; that he'll need to endure some uncomfortable situations. He didn't expect that his own feelings and reactions would be inside uncomfortable zone but that was the case and it was illogical to deny it.
There was established level of trust that was formed between him and his Captain, and Spock would have to trust his Captain to respect the borders Spock decided to uphold. Besides that Spock's superior nature would grant him control over whatever emotions would disturb his inner peace. The fact that the taste of Captain's name or the emotions that he provoked were not unpleasant ones was irrelevant, any emotions was unwelcomed intruder to his path to inner peace and high logic. Necessity to uphold his duty was the one to make him continue on the path of friendship with his Captain because that friendship was the thing that kept them in tune and enabled them to survive some most unpromising situations. Any deviation that would derive from that in Spock's mind will be purged later when he achieves his goal of purging all emotions.
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