It was the last day of kindergarten. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, it was the perfect day to begin their summer. The young kids sat fidgeting in their chairs, anxious to be done with school. When the final bell rang that day, all of the kids ran out of their classroom.
Amelia was among them, rushing out, ready to meet her dad outside with her older brother and sister. But first, she had to get through the fifth grader playground behind the school. All of the younger kids talked about it because that was where the fifth graders hung out right after school. Most of the kindergarteners cut through the school to the front where the car loop was, but Amelia's dad didn't go through the car loop on days when he knew it would be busy. On busy days, like the last day of school, he parked in the back to avoid other people.
So Amelia had to go through the fifth grader playground. She stood at the back door, looking at all of them. They looked huge compared to her and all of her kindergarten friends. Her brother was in 6th grade at the middle school attached to the elementary school, but they barely ever saw the middle schoolers.
The 5th graders were the top of their food chain.
Amelia's sister Kathleen was in 5th grade so most of the 5th grade class knew Amelia already. The only problem was that Kathleen told embarrassing stories about Amelia because she found her annoying at home sometimes. So she'd had problems with 5th graders before, teasing her, singling her out because of her sisters' stories.
Amelia shifted nervously, getting ready to push the door open.
Another kindergartener came up behind her, "Don't get killed out there." He patted her on the back comfortingly, "I'm praying for ya!" He said before walking away with the rest of the younger kids.
"Thanks…" She said unenthusiastically.
Slowly, she pushed the back doors open and ventured out. She made her way down the sidewalk, walking with purpose so that hopefully, no one would bother her. She felt like everyone was staring at her when in reality, the 5th graders were so wrapped up with goodbyes and signing yearbooks that for the most part they didn't notice her.
She tried to keep her distance, but then she looked up and realized with horror that her dad's car was parked near a large group of 5th graders. To get to it, she would have to go through or at least go near the large crowd of them.
But she told herself it wasn't going to be a problem. She took in a deep breath and walked towards them, but once she got closer, despite her efforts, they noticed her.
"Hey! That's Katie's little snot sister!" Someone said.
She kept her head down, walking faster now.
"Hey! Hey, kid!" One of the girls blocked her path. "Are you Katie's sister? The one who threw up-"
Amelia shook her head, "Nope, not me." She lied.
The girl didn't move. "You're lying." She reached down and took the books out of Amelia's arms, "What's this? Big Book of Science?"
"I like science." Amelia replied innocently, trying not to start any trouble.
The girl looked at her friends and they all laughed before throwing the book down into the sand, "You like science? Probably because you don't have any other friends, or at least that's what your sister said."
They all laughed again.
"That's not true!" Amelia protested, lip trembling as she tried to keep herself from crying.
"Aw, is she gonna cry?" One of the other girls laughed and shoved Amelia forward into the girl who'd blocked her path.
The first girl was surprised, "Get off of me!" She exclaimed, shoving Amelia off of her, harder than the other girl, and onto the concrete.
Amelia hit the sidewalk hard, elbows first and a felt an immediate wave of pain hit her. When she looked down, she saw blood pooling on the concrete.
The girls were frightened when they saw the blood, "Let's go." One of them said hurriedly and the group rushed away.
Amelia blinked tears from her eyes and looked up to see her older sister, Kathleen, staring over at her bleeding there on the sidewalk. They met each other's eyes briefly and then, even though she shouldn't have been surprised, Amelia watched in shock as her sister looked away and walked off in the direction of the girls that had harassed her.
She left her there on the sidewalk.
Alone.
She felt hatred well up inside of her. Angry tears stung her eyes as she pulled herself up off of the ground. She ignored the blood seeping slowly from her scraped elbows and walked over to the sand where her book had been thrown. She bent over and picked it up slowly, looking over at her sister and the other 5th graders.
With bloody arms, she reached up and wiped tears from her eyes, walking towards her father's car. She got in the back of the van, covering up her new wounds, watching as her brother and sister climbed into the van too and realizing for the first time that she couldn't count on anyone except herself.
Slowly, during the car ride, darkness invaded the memory. Derek, Kathleen, her father, they all faded away and then she descended into blackness, but only briefly.
Because then she felt the pain.
Intense aching pain coming from her stomach and abdomen. She shifted, hoping it would subside, but it didn't. If anything, it intensified.
"Amelia…" A voice said distantly.
She began to hear other noises too. Her heart monitor beeped steadily and she could hear voices of other doctors talking outside her room.
"Amelia, can you hear me?"
She felt like she was underwater. Her head throbbed and her entire body ached. Slowly, bracing for the light that she knew would blind her, she opened her eyes. The lights were dimmed, which she appreciated, and as her eyes scanned the room, the first person she saw was Arizona.
She was sitting by her bed with a few charts in her lap.
Amelia took in a few deep breaths, trying to manage the amount of pain she was in. She knew that they had probably respected her wishes and not administered pain medication. She turned her head and met Arizona's eyes, trying to conceal her discomfort.
It didn't work.
Arizona leaned forward, "Hey there." She offered a light smile, "Feeling some pain?" She asked and when Amelia nodded in response, she stood up and started to check some of her vitals, "Wanna tell me where it hurts?"
Amelia gulped, half expecting no noise to come out when she tried to speak, "My head and my abdomen mostly." She shifted again in her bed, hoping to find a position that would reduce the pain.
"Is the pain in your lower abdomen?"
Amelia shrugged, "There's some lower pain, but it's mostly near my stomach."
"Good." Arizona answered, "Despite what you're feeling right now, that's a good sign." She told her, "So, yesterday, your surgery was a success. I was able to remove all of the tissue from your uterus and Grey and Bailey were able to repair your abdomen wounds. There was some damage to your liver, but they seemed confident that the damage did not need to be fixed surgically and can be managed non- operatively." She explained, "So now, we're gonna monitor you for a week, maybe two, to make sure everything goes well."
Amelia nodded, "And Owen?"
Arizona seemed to know that question was coming, "Owen is out of surgery. Pierce was able to repair his pneumothorax, Kepner controlled his internal bleeding and Torres was able to fix his hip. The damage was severe and he was under for a long time so-"
"He might have brain damage." Amelia finished for her, "What does Derek think?"
"Derek is waiting for him to wake up to assess the damage done, but he seems confident that it will be minor." Arizona reported to her, "He expects him to wake up today, maybe tomorrow."
Amelia nodded with a small smile, "Good, that's good." She said, "And what about the kid? The kid in the other car?"
"Um, I think Callie took him into surgery, but the procedure went smoothly. That kid's gonna be fine. He'll be out of here in a few weeks, maybe less and then he goes to physical therapy." Arizona told her.
Amelia took in a breath, fidgeting again due to the pain, "Um, I had a patient…Charlie Willis. Can you check on him for me? I need to know if he's woken up yet. I operated on him…yesterday…" She trailed off.
Arizona nodded, "Yea, of course." She noticed her mood change, "You alright?"
"I operated on a patient yesterday." Amelia said and when Arizona still gave a confused shake of her head, she continued, "Yesterday I operated on a patient who had an inoperable brain tumor. I removed it, the whole thing. Yesterday, I handed a man his life back. Yesterday, I was making neurosurgical history…I was happy and I felt like my life was coming together and today…" Before she could help it or control it, her eyes pooled with tears, "Today, my life is gone. The life inside of me, the happiness, it's gone. Today, all I can see are broken pieces of my life scattered in front of me…and I can't put it back together."
Arizona reached out and took Amelia's hand, "I know it might feel like it right now, but yesterday and today aren't the only two things in your life. There's also tomorrow. You can still have more children and get married and…it isn't over for you. I know today is hard, but you still have tomorrow and the next day and the next day to learn how to accept your broken pieces."
Amelia sniffed and nodded, wiping the tears off of her face. "You're right." She said, her rational-self trying to take over. She knew Arizona was right, but still felt sick to her stomach and empty and alone. "Can we talk about something else? Anything else…" She said, closing her eyes, leaning back and focusing on how to breathe and relax to reduce her pain.
Arizona smiled and nodded, "Sure, of course, um..." She answered, "Well, April and I went out last night. She's trying to get back out there and I was supposed to be her wing woman last night, but after the surgeries we had last night, neither of us wanted to flirt…" She smirked, "So we started doing shots."
Amelia cracked a smile as she listened to the story.
Arizona continued, "I don't remember the exact number of shots exactly, but I do remember we took a cab back to her apartment, went up to her roof and started drinking white wine." She smiled fondly, "The night ended with the two of us yelling off her roof down to strangers walking by, flirtatious things…it was fun."
Amelia chuckled lightly.
"I don't remember falling asleep, but I definitely remember waking up…it's been a tough morning." She lifted up her coffee cup, "But the hangover is fading." She smiled.
Amelia nodded and smirked, "Sounds like the two of you had a good night last night." She said, "Drunk Arizona is always super fun."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Arizona wondered out loud.
Amelia just laughed. "Thanks for that story, Arizona…and thanks for sitting with me." She said, "You didn't have to do this...and I really appreciate the company." She told her gratefully.
Arizona nodded, "I didn't want you to wake up alone. Derek has been in surgery all morning and Meredith had to sleep. They were both here earlier, you should know that."
Amelia nodded in understanding, "I'm really thankful…" She trailed off, looking past Arizona and towards the clear sliding doors of her room, "Oh, dear god." She shut her eyes.
Arizona turned around and saw two women standing at the nurse's station. She didn't recognize them, but from mumbling she heard coming from Amelia, she guessed that she knew them in some way.
"Please let me hallucinating. I swear to God if Derek…" She shook her head, "He wouldn't." She looked at Arizona pleadingly, "Please, please, tell me there aren't two, tall, dark-haired women standing at the nurse's station. It's all in my head, isn't it? Better get neuro down here because I must have a brain bleed or something, right?"
Arizona bit her lip and looked over at the nurse's station again, "Um…"
"Oh, god. They're real, aren't they? Not just a nightmare." Amelia groaned.
Arizona was still confused, "Yes, yes, they're real." She admitted, "Who are they?"
Amelia huffed, "They're…my sisters." She answered, "My judgmental, over-bearing, condescending older sisters."
Arizona's eyes widened, "The other Shepherds…" She looked back towards them again. They were both facing the nurse's station, but like Amelia, they had the dark, shiny Shepherd hair. "Which ones are they? I think I've met one before, but I can't remember which."
"Stop staring!" Amelia exclaimed, sitting up slightly, only to let out a slight moan from pain.
Arizona turned back around, "Oh, hey, hey…" She said, helping Amelia settle back in the bed, "Relax, okay? That's the best you can do to reduce the pain."
Amelia leaned back and took in a few deep breaths, "Derek and I have three sisters. First, there's Nancy, the oldest. She's an OBGYN and is obsessed with babies and perfect patterns and dresses and…" She shook her head, "She never hesitates to share her opinion." She paused, "Then there's Lizzie. She's the therapist of the family and she's always the one to address the elephant in the room first. She lives for family drama and pretends like she's the perfect one with no problems of her own...Derek is next, the golden boy, but that's self-explanatory. Katie's after that, the pediatrician. She was the popular one. She was the queen bee of her schools and of our house. She's a straight up bitch and does whatever it takes to get ahead. Appearances and reputations were and are the only things that matter to her…" Amelia sighed, "And I was the youngest, the one who got all the hand-me-downs, the troubled one…the problem."
Arizona nodded slowly.
"The two out there are Nancy and Katie." Amelia told her.
Arizona gulped, "So the opinionated OBGYN and the pediatrician who's a straight up bitch. I can see why you're so anxious." She summarized with a smirk, "Look, I'll…I'll get rid of them, at least for a little while. Try and get some rest…" She paused, "Also, we expect the pain to get pretty severe over the next few nights. What you feel right now is not the full amount, the sedative you were on is still wearing off. Over the next few hours, it will get much worse…if at any point, you want to be sedated or receive medication, you can press this button."
She pointed to a small remote with a large button on it, sitting idly on her bedside table.
"And that isn't a relapse, okay? It isn't weakness. Your body may not be able to take the stress of this much pain so if it feels like it's becoming too much, take the medication and if you take it in the amounts prescribed to you, the withdrawal may not be as severe." Arizona told her.
Amelia nodded, "Okay." She replied, "Please get rid of my sisters."
"Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna kill them with so much kindness, they'll be sick." Arizona smiled, squeezed her hand and made her way out of the room and towards the nurse's station where her sisters were.
Amelia watched through the clear doors as Arizona walked up to her sisters, flashed a bright, cheerful smile and extended her hand to them.
Her sisters exchanged a look between them, both obviously confused by Arizona's joyful demeanor. They each shook her hand hesitantly and their discomfort made Amelia feel oddly satisfied.
Arizona started to lead them away from Amelia's room. They each peered in towards her, but Amelia closed her eyes to avoid their stares. When she opened her eyes again, they were gone.
What were they doing here? And why were they together? They had never been too concerned with Amelia and her issues. She imagined what they'd said when Derek had given them the call.
Did she overdose again?
We can't come to her side every time she's having another breakdown.
Is it the drugs or the alcohol this time?
Mom is going to be so disappointed.
Tears sprung to her eyes without warning. She thought about what Derek would have said next. How he would explain to them what had happened to her, what she'd lost. She wondered how Nancy, the OBGYN, had responded.
Nancy had three healthy children.
Kathleen had four.
And now, Amelia had two dead ones. Two children that would buried in the ground when her siblings, her perfect siblings combined had twelve healthy, amazing children. Each of her sisters had more than one child and Amelia couldn't even have one.
Her siblings were perfect, no, maybe not even perfect. They were normal, happy…just like they'd always been while Amelia was struggling, hurting and wasting away. When they were all younger, Amelia had known that she was part of an extraordinary family.
The Shepherds.
They were known to be attractive, smooth, intelligent, successful…
But Amelia wasn't one of them.
She wasn't smooth like the others. She tripped over her words, said the wrong things, made inappropriate jokes and lashed out at people, trying to hurt them so that she didn't have to get close to anyone. And she wasn't successful. She was a failure, the Shepherd failure.
"Crap." She blinked tears from her eyes, trying to decide which pain was worse – the burning pain in her abdomen and the aching soreness she felt a little bit lower than that, the physical pain or the pain of knowing that she was the family disappointment, knowing that she wasn't good enough or perfect enough to be a Shepherd.
Either way, it ached. Her entire body ached with pain and disappointment and loneliness and inadequacy. She writhed in the bed, trying and failing to find a comfortable position. Every now and then, an intern or a resident would come in to check on her.
Once it was Edwards. She didn't say much, just checked her vitals quietly and asked her how she was feeling to which she replied, "Better than I look probably." Which elicited an untimely laugh from Edwards.
Later, it was Wilson. She bothered her with a bunch of annoying questions, which she kind of appreciated because at least if she was irritated, she could forget about the pain for a little bit. She remembered asking how Owen was doing and Wilson gave her the patient, tiptoe answer, "He's stable for now. We're observing him…he isn't out of the woods just yet."
Amelia nodded and ignored Wilson as her pager beeped and she exited the room, saying something about another patient. She watched her go and wondered if it was Owen, if Wilson was being paged to revive Owen. It made her sick to think that. But thinking about seeing him and talking to him, that made her feel sick too. Facing him after what had happened, sharing the news, she wasn't sure she could stomach it.
Taking in a breath, she adjusted her position again, but it did little to help. Her abdomen burned intensely, making her twist and writhe, hoping that she would pass out because she knew merely falling asleep wouldn't be an option.
She closed her eyes and tried to pretend like she was somewhere else, but it didn't work because every time she closed her eyes she would either see the headlights coming towards her or Owen unconscious in the car or the people who'd been killed in the other car or Arizona telling her that her baby had…
Her eyes shot open.
And just in time too. When she looked up, she saw her brother, Meredith and her two sisters outside her room, talking, probably preparing to come in. After a few moments, they all gravitated towards her door.
Derek led the pack. He came in first and stood by her bed with Meredith moving to her other side and her sisters filing in and standing at the foot. "Hey Amy, how are you feeling?" Derek asked her carefully.
Amelia wanted to scream. She wanted to yell and cry and scream about how horrible and awful and devastated she felt. She wanted to tell them to leave. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to skip the small talk and the part where she pretended like she was okay, but she knew she couldn't, "Better." She answered curtly, "I think I'll survive."
Derek smiled a little bit, "Well, I'm sure you've noticed by now, but I called mom and everybody and they were all really concerned." He glanced back at his sisters, "Nancy and Katie were already in California on a trip so they got on plane and flew up here."
Amelia nodded and tried her hardest to offer a genuine smile, but she knew it probably didn't come across, "Thanks for coming…" She said to them, "It really means a lot."
Nancy smiled down at her, "Of course we came. You were in an accident and we had to see if you were alright." She stepped closer, "Plus, we haven't visited you two in a while anyway…" She seemed like she was tiptoeing around her.
Katie nodded, "Yea, when Derek called us on the phone…well, at first we didn't know what to think…"
Amelia tried to stop herself from rolling her eyes. She knew what that meant. She knew they thought she'd been in some kind of drug or alcohol related accident.
"But a car accident? We're just glad to see you're okay. In fact, from what we heard, you were lucky…" Katie said with a small smile.
Amelia nodded slowly, "Yea, I am lucky I guess. It could've been worse."
"And we heard you were in the car with a man?" Nancy asked with a smirk, "A man that Derek told us you've been seeing. Apparently, he's doing a lot better now too. We're glad you've found someone, Amelia…"
"Yea someone who's a doctor, who understands the hours and stress, and isn't a bad influence…" Katie added, "We're really happy for you."
Amelia nodded slowly, shooting a look at Derek.
Nancy continued, "And Derek told us you're the Chief of Neuro here. We couldn't believe it. Our Amy, working over Derek?" She pushed her brother's arm with a laugh, "I never would've guessed."
To her left, Amelia noticed Meredith huff quietly.
"Yea and we hear you've been sober for a while now too?" Katie went on, "Good for you! God, a few months ago, I was so terrified about you and your addiction, but we were so happy to hear you've cleaned yourself up. Maybe mom will finally be able to breathe easy again."
Amelia nodded, "Yea, I've actually been sober for more than a few months, more like years." She informed them, "Not that either of you would have known that."
Nancy sighed as if she'd seen this coming, "We know we lost touch for a little bit, but we're sorry." She glanced back at Katie, like they'd rehearsed this answer, "You were having a hard time and it wasn't like we didn't keep tabs on you. We checked in with Addison every once in a while."
Amelia didn't say anything.
"We were just glad that this time when Derek called us about you, it wasn't drug related. I don't think we could take another scare like that…" Nancy added.
Amelia boiled on the inside, trying her best to keep a cool exterior, "You couldn't take another scare like that?" She smirked.
Katie nodded, "It's hard on the family." She said and when Amelia let out a frustrated laugh, she continued, "It just about kills Mom every time you almost die or you kill your boyfriend or something, don't you get that?" She blurted out suddenly.
Amelia looked up. For a moment, she didn't move, didn't say anything and didn't take her eyes off of Kathleen. Finally, through gritted teeth, "Killed my boyfriend?"
Katie exchanged a look with Nancy, but neither of them said anything.
Amelia shook her head, "I didn't kill my boyfriend. He overdosed, he, himself took the fatal dose that killed him." She said clearly, "Do you know how much therapy and convincing and bargaining and grieving I had to go through to get myself to believe that? Do you know how it feels to have everything thinking that you killed someone, that you delivered the fatal dose to someone, that you were irresponsible and neglectful and are the reason that someone else is gone? I loved that man. I loved him so much and his death was an accident. He didn't mean to overdose…he made a mistake and it cost him his life…"
"Amy…" Derek tried.
She shook her head, tears in her eyes, "You know what? You don't even know me at all. You don't get to come here and stand there, pretending like you care about me. You came here because it was an obligation. That's all I am to you, a bothersome obligation. So how about this? You're off the hook. Get out. And tell mom and the rest of the family that I went crazy, tell them I'm still the problem, that I'm still falling apart and broken and damaged. Maybe after that all of you will finally just leave me the hell alone!"
With wide eyes, Katie and Nancy didn't move.
"You heard her." Meredith finally said, "Get out! Go!" She exclaimed, gesturing towards the door.
Derek shot Meredith a look and then followed his silent, traumatized sisters out of the room.
Amelia looked over at Meredith, "I can't…" She said, breathing quickly, "I can't do this anymore. They don't understand me. They think I killed him. They think he was a bad influence. They think...they think…" Her mind was racing.
"Hey, calm down." Meredith said soothingly, touching Amelia's arm.
But she pulled away, "I can't believe Derek told them to come. I can't believe he thought this would be okay! I've never gotten along with my sisters, ever. That doesn't change. They'll always see me as the failure. They'll always treat me like I'm not enough and that's just…"
"Toxic…" Meredith nodded in understanding.
Amelia looked up, meeting her eyes, "Yea… yea, it's toxic." She took in a few deep breaths to calm herself down. She reached down and tenderly touched the incision on her stomach through her gown. "After everything I've accomplished…you'd think they'd be able to see me, like really see me, but I'll never be good enough for them."
Meredith tried again to take Amelia's hand and when she didn't pull away, she spoke, "You shouldn't have to be." She said reassuringly, "Wanna know what I think?"
Amelia's head spun slightly as the anger and adrenaline wore off and the pain set back in. She nodded at Meredith, trying to focus on her words.
"I think that your sisters are horrible. I've met Nancy once before and I thought she was the worst until I met Katie. They're nice, but the way they scrutinize everything and talk to you like they do, it just gets under my skin." Meredith confessed, "They say you aren't good enough. Who the hell are they to judge? They've never walked in your shoes, they've never suffered the losses and come face to face with the failure and hardships that you have. They think their lives are the standard. It's like their lives are squares, but you're a circle and they can't fit you in."
Meredith paused.
"And that isn't your fault." She added, "It's not your fault that they are inflexible and scrutinizing and small minded. They should be able to stretch and change shapes for you because you're family, but they won't…and that isn't right."
Amelia nodded slowly.
"And that's the reason they'll never get as far as you will. You've seen more than they have, you've lived more and learned more and because of that, you have an open mind." Meredith continued, "Do you know how powerful that is? Your mind runs circles around theirs and you're half their age. The amount possibilities you can achieve with the level of brilliance you have us infinite." She told her, "So don't let them put you in the square hole. You're a circle and that's okay, in fact, it's something to be proud of."
Amelia smiled weakly, looking over at Meredith, "Thank you, Meredith…for what you just said and for yelling at my sisters to get out and for understanding." She said, "God, sometimes I think you and I are more like sisters than me and my actual sisters."
"That's because I am your sister. I'm your family and you're annoying and I'm annoying, but we deal with it and we look out for each other." Meredith asserted, "Okay?"
Amelia nodded slowly, almost confused by the amount of kindness that Meredith was offering to her. She knew her situation had to be bad for her to be this nice to her, but in that moment, it didn't matter because no matter how fleeting it would be, Meredith's kindness was purely genuine, which Amelia appreciated.
"Thanks, Meredith, really thank you…" Amelia squeezed her hand, "Would you mind leaving me alone for a little bit?"
Meredith nodded, "Yea, sure…" She let go of Amelia's hand, "We'll be by to check on you later…"
Amelia nodded, offering a small smile as she watched Meredith leave the room. Once she was alone, she let out a long breath, relieved that no one was going to bother her anymore. She balled her hands into fists as tears wet her eyes. The frustration and the anger and the pain were becoming too much for her. She looked over at the remote on her bedside table.
She quickly looked away, ashamed that she had even thought about it. She knew she couldn't break her sobriety. She had been clean for so long and she didn't want to throw it away. Weighing the tears and pain and suffering of fighting for sobriety against the physical pain she was feeling now, she decided that it wasn't worth it.
Closing her eyes, she tried to relax and drift into sleep.
An hour passed.
She didn't fall asleep.
Painfully awake, each moment passed in agony. She could hear her heart rate slowly beginning to climb, not at an alarming rate, but enough to signify that the pain had begun to take a toll on her body. She glanced at the button again.
She leaned over the side of her bed and lifted the small trashcan up. Her entire body tensed as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the trashcan. Shaking, she set the can down and laid back in the bed.
Another hour passed after that.
By that time, she was holding the remote in her hand. Her thumb danced over the button as she contemplated whether or not to press it. She shook her head, still hesitating, not allowing herself to break.
Another half an hour passed and then she couldn't take it anymore. The fidgeting didn't help, trying to pretend like she was somewhere else didn't help, sleeping didn't help, biofeedback didn't help, nothing helped her control or manage the pain. Nothing allowed her to relax. All she wanted to do was sleep, just close her eyes and be allowed the peace she'd get from that rest.
1,987 days.
That was how long she'd been sober.
It wasn't fair that something this senseless and random had happened and now she had to throw that all away. Back to square one…
Day 0, again.
It wasn't fair. She really didn't want to give up. She really didn't want to fail. She didn't want to fall off the wagon because she knew how hard it was to get back on, but the sleep deprivation and the unrelenting ache were tearing her apart.
She couldn't hold out any longer.
She pressed her thumb down on the button and within the next 10 or 20 minutes, she felt the pain slowly begin to fade.
The familiar feeling of relief came over her as the drug rushed through her veins. She didn't know what kind of drug it was or how much they were giving her, but it had finally let her relax, it finally let her think about something other than the pain.
She closed her eyes and rested her head against her pillow. Within the next few moments, she'd forgotten all about the pain and her sisters and the accident and had drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
