~Ammy~
After another private discussion with the headmaster about how he was disappointing with me for allowing something like that to happen, especially when I had so many people putting their faith in me. I returned to the room to find two sleeping teammates and the third getting out of the bathroom. Rikku and Red still in their combat clothes, Rikku looking particularly uncomfortable as she had passed out on the edge of Shiva's bed in an odd position making Shiva laugh. Following the other two's lead, I crawled into my bed without bothering to change.
We basically slept all Sunday, only waking each other up for dinner and to do any last minute class work. I knew I had to write the temple about what has happened this weekend, but decided to put it off until tomorrow, not wanting to think about what had happened any more today.
Monday arrived quickly and it was back to class as usual, and I was actually thankful for the distraction. But, at the end of the day I could not procrastinate any longer. Sitting at my desk in the room, I wrote my usual letter to keep the temple informed about what I was doing. According to the priests it was just to stay in touch, but I thought of it more as a progress report. This time it would be more of confessing to messing up than the normal progression of my studies. Writing out the events over the weekend, I got to when I accidentally cut the Faunus girl. When those memories came rushing back, I had to stop. Setting down my pen, I got up and left the room.
When I turned the corner to the lobby at the front door I nearly ran into Red due to my distracted state. Red's annoyance was quickly replaced with confusion after he got a look at me. "Uh, you alright?" He asked, clearly hesitating.
My thoughts must have been clear on my face if Red was concerned. I took a moment before answering, considering lying to avoid the subject. Then I figured that it would probably be best to talk about it and if someone would understand, I assume that Red would. "No, I suppose I am not. Would you mind if I could talk with you?"
He looked just as uncomfortable as I felt at the idea of having an emotionally charged conversation. But, he did answer favorably, "I suppose it would be fine. So you were headed outside?" He asked, gesturing toward the front door. I did not have any real destination in mind, so I just shrugged my shoulders. "Alright, follow me," Red said with an undertone of exasperation.
He lead me through the school and over to the outdoor training area. The whole time I was thinking of what to say and trying keep my anxiety down. This was very unusual for me, there was only one other person that I talked with like this. We stopped at the far end of the empty practice field, next to the tree line. I was almost concerned that he was just going to keep walking into the wooded area, which led to the cliffs over the emerald forest and the edge of campus. But, he did stop to lean against a tree, facing the field. "So, what did you want to talk about?" He stated.
I fidgeted a little while I asked, "have you ever harmed someone?"
He gave me a raised eyebrow, "of course." He said like it was totally obvious, "I am at a school that trains people to kill monsters after all."
I shook my head and clarified, "what I meant was, have you seriously harmed someone? Like, so much so that you could have killed them?" My voice getting quieter at the end of my question.
"Ah, that's what you meant," nodding his head slowly. "Let me ask, haven't you ever injured someone while sparring or anything?"
I was not sure where he was going with his question, but answered regardless. "There have been a few accidents before, but this is completely different. If her mask had not been there to blunt that blow to her face, her aura would have been even lower. Meaning I would have cut through that and her arm. Even then, if Shiva was not there she may have bled out before help could get there."
My emotions started to get the better of me during my tirade, but Red's low voice helped draw my attention away from them. "You're right, this is different. When you spar, you fight to win, but in a real fight, you fight to live. That goes for both you and your opponent. In other words," turning to look me dead in the eye, "it's them or you. And, to answer your first question; yes, I've had many real fights."
I took a moment to process what he was saying, looking into the calm, shaded woods. I obviously knew that being here meant that my life was on the line. That me and my teammates could be killed while fighting the Grimm, but fighting with another person was entirely different. Unlike Grimm they have thoughts, feelings, families, and their own reason to be fighting to survive. "Is that how you deal with the people you hurt?" I asked quietly, still looking into the trees.
"Yeah, that is how I think of it. That doesn't mean you have to think the same way, you will find a way to deal with it eventually." I turned back to him actually feeling slightly better, but he was looking off into the distance when he continued. "The first time is always the hardest though." My mood dipped back down at the double meaning. This would not be the last time someone's life will be at the end of my blade.
I was conflicted over this as I certainly did not ever want to kill someone, I felt terrible enough just injuring someone. The only way I could think to totally avoid getting in a situation like that would be to quit Beacon, but then I would also have to abandon my place at the temple as they would not let me just quit. They would continue teaching me themselves if it came to that, meaning I would have to leave the temple altogether. If I did that however, I would just end up homeless and I clearly do not have what it takes to survive alone on the streets. That really only leaves me to find a way to deal with the idea that I may have to take someone's life someday. At least at Beacon I have a tiny bit of freedom, and now I also know that I can talk with Red and he will not just ignore me.
This situation gave me a bit of insight into Red as well and a possible answer to the question he avoided yesterday due to Rikku. "Is that why you ran from the police?"
"Still thinning about that?" He asked rhetorically with an annoyed look before sighing. "You really want to know?" He asked but did not wait for my answer, "here." Lifting the bottom of his school shirt, he showed off the left side of his abdomen. "This is what usually happens when the police confront a Faunus," gesturing to a ragged, round scar between his hip and navel.
"I'm sorry, I did not know," I apologized, feeling like I forced him to say something personal.
"I know you didn't, so don't worry about it," brushing off my concern while lowering his shirt. "But anyway, is that all you wanted to talk about?"
"That was what had me worried, yes."
Red nodded and pushed himself off the tree. I expected him to take his leave, but he turned to look into the woods instead. "It's a shame that the edge of campus is too close to the woods, today would've been nice to go walk around a bit right?"
To say I was surprised would be an understatement, I could hardly think of a response. "Uh, what do you mean?"
He turned to me with brows furrowed, "you've never went into the woods just to walk around and have some time to yourself?" I shook my head no to answer, which made him roll his eyes. "Should'a figured. You should give it a try sometime, well when we are not trapped on campus that is," he said casually and started to walk back towards the school. It took a moment to get over my surprise at Red's admission while he walked away.
Turning back to the trees, I processed what we had talked about. Particularly why he had changed the subject so suddenly. The most likely reason was just to change the subject to a lighter one to cheer me up, but I cannot picture Red doing that even under these circumstances. Despite whatever the reason was, the soft, cool wind blowing through the leaves causing a quiet rustle was rather pleasant. Perhaps that what Red was talking about? The soothing sound reminding me of gentle waves breaking and the smells of nature were relaxing. It was another thing that I had missed until it was pointed out. Whenever I have been out into any real wilderness, it had been for some task, never really getting a chance to take in the sights and sounds. Just another thing that I will need to think about, but I can do that back in the room. Finally starting back to the school with a sigh, remembering that I still needed to finish that letter.
