A/N: Thank you once again for the reviews, it's greatly appreciated. After this chapter, I'm very much at the stage where I will be making the decision on which ship this story will end up being, so to those asking, I promise that I will have a very clear view after I've done a little more interaction between the three possibles. My only question is now – Spaleb or no Spaleb? I'm not sure how close to canon I want to take this, so I was thinking of Hanna shutting it down when Spencer asks her if it's okay and then there's the drama that comes from that, of course. Let me know what you guys think in the reviews!
Guest No problem! And yes, Hanna was raped but from the perception of everyone around her, she cheated on Caleb as she has kept the secret completely to herself, for now. Thank you very much for taking the time to tally the reviews, I really appreciate it!
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot line and Henry; the characters belong to the creators of Pretty Little Liars along with the canon lines in the season six episode described below!
"You tell me hold your head up, hold your head up and be strong. 'Cause when you fall you gotta get up, you gotta get up and move on. Tell me how the hell could you talk, how can you talk? 'Cause until you walk where I walk, this is all talk. Till it happens to you, you don't know how it feels..." - Lady Gaga
Hanna sat there as Alison spoke, and then Spencer, her nails digging into her thigh as she bit down on her lip and tried not to run out of that impossibly small room. "One thing that I've learned from all this is that people are not always the things that they do." Her eyes glanced down at those words, and she wondered if the man who had raped her considered himself to be a rapist, if that was what defined him as a person or if he had another life. A life where he was a better man, who regretted the things he had done but told people he was not that person. For the first time in such a long time, she felt herself disagreeing with the ever intelligent Spencer Hastings – maybe Charlotte was the things that she did, she had done them so well and for so long, she had perfected the art of making their lives hell and now they were there, giving her a second chance. Would she have given them one had they not escaped?
When it was her turn, she had to remind herself where she was, her fingers pinching at the skin on her arm as she took a deep breath and stood up, slowly walking towards the chair Spencer had been sat in just moments before. All eyes were on her, and it was exactly the situation she tried to avoid, the kind of situation that would make her stomach twist and her heart thump. It took her a moment, before she cleared her throat and did her best to be the confident Hanna everyone expected her to be, "I was angry for a long time... but now every morning I wake up, I hold my son and we walk outside. It's either sunny or it's raining but... I'm free." It was ironic, Hanna felt a lot of things but she had never truly felt free. There were three peaceful years when she had first left Rosewood but even those had been coated by dealing with the trauma that Charlotte had caused her.
She shook the thoughts off and forced a small smile as she continued, "I don't see why Charlotte shouldn't have the same chance to get caught in the rain as I do." And after a moments pause, she reached her conclusion, "No, I'm not afraid of her." Because there's so much more I'm afraid of now.
It was over. At least her part was, and she had to sit there as Emily took the same steps she had, just watching her best friends back as she spoke, each of them in turn pretending as though Charlotte was their past. Emily spoke, and Hanna listened until the words, "He also said you can decide what you're going to be afraid of..." It was those words that echoed through her head, and the room was suddenly smaller, hotter, and she wanted to be anywhere other than there. She wiped her sweating palms on her legs, trying not to draw attention to the fact that she was close to breaking down right there and then, with everyone watching.
It was Aria that pulled her from her impending panic attack, "I was on the Redline going to Braintree and the train stopped in the tunnel between the stations. The power went out and it was dark. No, not dark, it was black and I was back in every box, in every dark, tight place that A ever put me in and I couldn't breathe. " The blonde knew how that felt; every unexpected touch, every dark room, every single time she had to pass an alleyway, she was right back to that night. "Then I heard a girl crying. Good, I thought, somebody else is scared out of their mind. Then... the power came back on and every single person on that train was staring at me because I was the girl that was crying." Hanna fought the tears that were threatening to fall, trying to focus on her breathing by spending every last bit of her energy focusing on Aria and how Aria felt and how right her best friend was. She shouldn't have lied, she shouldn't have thought it would be okay to lie about the one thing that had been so important to them five years prior. "I don't want Charlotte released, ever."
And there it was. One person had spoken the truth and the other three sat there, the guilt coating all their features as each of them realised they had made a huge mistake. And Hanna knew that despite what had happened, she was still terrified of her first real tormentor. After that, she remained caught up in her own thoughts; since she had made the decision not to tell Caleb what had really happened that night, Hanna had found herself obsessing over things she should have and could have done. Even the smallest situations led to the self-torture later that day, as she went over and over what she should have done instead. And she was already going through what she should have said to the judge that would have bee honest, perhaps painful for Alison to hear but no one liked hearing the truth. "That's all any of us want. To have a home."
She watched Mona leave, blue eyes settling on the shut door as she pondered over the words of the woman they had all expected to come in there and be completely and utterly ruthless about Charlotte. Maybe she was right, maybe Charlotte did deserve to have a home – but Hanna hadn't even found her own, so why did 'A' get to have it before her?
The news she never expected seemed to be an easy decision for the judge to make, because just a few hours later, she was standing next to Aria, with her phone in her hand, just staring down at the words in front of her. Aria had been the only person who was completely and utterly truthful about her feelings and it hadn't even mattered because Charlotte was going home. The twenty-three year old woman just let out a small, bitter laugh as she shook her head – A was going to get a happy ending and Hanna was still struggling to find a happy middle.
Hanna held her sleeping son on her lap as she sat with her three (drunk) best friends, a smile on her face as she just listened to them. It had been a long day but it was set to be their last night in Rosewood and she couldn't think of a better way to spend it other than with the three people she had been through hell and back with, and still come out the other end fighting. She had no idea when they would see each other again, or how old Henry would be, but she had tonight and that was enough. She sipped on her mocktail when Spencer drunkenly blurted out, "I thought it wouldn't matter what we said to the judge... because I thought they would never let her out. I thought that we could just lie for Ali one more time and it wouldn't matter. But it did. They let A out."
The tears were in her dark eyes and Hanna bit down on her lip as she frowned, and gave a small nod in understanding. They let A out and none of them really knew what was going to happen next; there were really only two options, she supposed, either Charlotte was going to move on with her life and let them continue to move on with theirs or she was going to pick up right where she had left off. And Hanna had Henry to think about, so she was starting to regret the decision to tell one more lie for Alison as though it would be the last time. It didn't take long for the four of them to fall into old habits at twenty-three, so she doubted it would be any different if they added a few more years on.
"Wouldn't it be the biggest cosmic joke ever if Charlotte gets to live happily ever after?"
"If she can do it, so can we. A toast to Charlotte." The four girls raised their glasses, each saying the name of the person they had once only known as A – the anonymous person who had made their lives a living hell from the moment they had taken over the 'game'. It felt good to just be able to put a face to the years of pain, to be able to say the name of the person who put them through so much for nothing.
That night, as she went to sleep, Hanna could remember the relief she felt, listening to the sounds of Henry's light snoring, knowing it would be her last night in Rosewood. She could go back to the life she had created, and her best friends could go back to their seemingly perfect lives, each of them blissfully unaware of the mess Hanna truly was. It was easier when she didn't have to pretend, or lie, or act like someone she wasn't even sure she was anymore.
Nothing was ever that easy in Rosewood.
With each passing moment she was stuck in the town, Hanna could feel her entire world come crashing down on her. Henry was completely unaware of the drama that surrounded him, and she wanted it to stay that way but Rosewood had a way of tainting everyone, even the most innocent of people. She needed, more than anything, to get him out of there but instead, she was stuck; the memories of waking up that morning to the phone call she hadn't expected from Ali replayed through her mind as her hand shook, almost dropping the pill she held in her hand. Her eyes glanced at the bathroom cabinet that was temporarily home to the various medications that managed to get her through every day. Was there a pill that could make the past few days disappear?
Quickly, she swallowed the pill when she heard the door knock, rubbing her reddened eyes before she took a deep breath and moved to open the door, only to hesitate when she saw who it was on the other side. "Hey." The first word he had spoken to her in two years somehow seemed... almost disappointing, she supposed. He had left his phone behind, he had gone travelling around Europe without her and there he was, as though two years hadn't passed.
She shook it off, as far as Caleb was concerned, she had cheated on him, so he could be as casual as he wanted when it came to seeing the person who had broken his heart. "Hi. Sorry, um, I thought that you were room service." She finally managed to get out, trying not to let her discomfort show as her grip tightened on the door and her eyes met with the dark brown ones she had missed so much. Caleb only gave her a small smile, his eyes moving from hers, awkwardly refusing to make eye contact as he scratched the back of his head and shrugged his shoulders, a nervous smile plastered on his face as he was faced with the person he had last seen sobbing on the floor of their New York apartment, "I'm afraid not. Spencer called me. Told me what happened."
They could both remember a time when conversation seemed to flow so easily for them, when they could talk about everything and nothing all at the same time and nothing seemed forced. It seemed as though, considering what had happened between them and then the years that had passed since, created an awkward tension that neither had thought would ever exist between them. "Spencer called you?" Hanna didn't know why it felt as though her best friend had just stabbed her in the heart, she had known Spencer and Caleb had been friends but somehow, the thought of her reaching out to Caleb almost seemed like a betrayal of some sort. When he explained, it only felt as though the knife was twisting further and further, Spencer hadn't even mentioned she had seen her ex-boyfriend in Washington, Hanna hadn't even known where he had been for so long and it seemed as though, at least from what she could tell, Caleb and Spencer had kept in contact. "Can I come in?" He finally asked, and Hanna looked behind her, unsure what her answer should be. She hadn't been alone with him since he had left her and then there was the reason he had left her, happily sitting on the floor of the hotel living room, playing quietly with his toys. Still, she found herself nodding her head and stepping out of the way to let him in, slowly shutting the door behind him as she tried to steady her breathing.
"Why are you here?" Her question was accusing, filled with bitter confusion because when he had walked out on her, she had assumed that would be it. Still, she tried to reconcile the words as she shook her head, letting out a small, nervous laugh, "Sorry, um... it's been a very long day and I didn't expect you to turn up on my doorstep or anywhere else." She spoke to his back, knowing his eyes were very much on the toddler who was staring up at the new stranger, a huge smile on his face, completely unaware that, in another life, he could have been Caleb's.
Eventually, Caleb tried to shake off the overwhelming pain that rushed over him as he turned back to Hanna, "Yeah, uh, Spencer told me about Charlotte and um, I don't know... maybe it was a conditioned reflex. Thought I could help." There was her name again, Hanna had no idea why it caused the reaction it did, there was just something about the way he said Spencer's name that didn't sit right with her. She pushed it back though, because no matter what, it was none of her business, nothing that happened in Caleb's life had anything to do with her. "Well, I'm glad to know your reflexes still work." She attempted to joke, trying to make light of the terrible, awkward situation they had found themselves in.
Despite everything that had happened, and the time that had passed, there was a familiar look in Caleb's eyes. No one else had ever looked at her in the way he did – it was concern, complete concern but the kind that didn't make her feel as though she was been patronised or pushed into a corner, "You okay?" He asked, and Hanna decided to be honest for the first time since she had arrived in Rosewood, "Well, we came here to help Ali and Charlotte killed herself. We could've just kept our mouths shut and she would still be in a nice, safe hospital. Instead, we have another funeral to get through." Was he expecting her honesty? Hanna doubted it, considering she had spent the latter part of their relationship just lying to him, no amount of honesty could make up for the betrayal she knew he felt.
"Yeah. I thought I might stick around for that." Caleb replied, standing there awkwardly, glancing behind him at the child he knew to be Hanna's. He and Spencer had a pact, she wouldn't mention Hanna and he didn't mention Toby, they both just spoke about their own lives and tried to make new memories instead of dwelling on the ones they had left behind. So, whilst he had known Hanna had decided to keep the baby, thanks to a text he had seen on Spencer's unattended phone one day, he had known nothing about him or even seen him up until that point. He was the spitting image of Hanna, and he was glad he didn't have to look at the child and wonder what features he shared with the man who had ripped his world from him.
Hope. That was what she felt for a fleeting moment; was he staying for the funeral to be there for her? "Well my mom can set you up with a room here if you want." That hope was quickly crushed by his words, and the name of her best friend was once again repeated and Hanna knew she couldn't ignore her instincts. Maybe he wasn't staying for the funeral for her at all, why would he after what he thought she had done to him? "Uh, no, that's okay actually, um, I'm staying in Spencer's barn. Uh... so how've you been?"
It was a loaded question, more so than Caleb could have imagined but Hanna smiled through it, as Henry called out for her attention, letting out a loud squeal as he shook his toy in an attempt to get the attention of his mother, and the stranger who didn't seem to want to look at him. It was unusual, the toddler was used to people fussing over him at any given chance, and instead, Caleb had trouble even acknowledging the boy's existence. "I've been okay." She replied, moving over to pick Henry up, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she gently shushed him. Caleb was forced to look at him now, and Hanna wondered how it made him feel, to know what could have been and what should have been. They probably would have been married, trying for their first child together at this point, and instead, they had no idea what the other was doing with their lives. Not only had they broken up, but they had completely removed the other from their lives, thinking it was the best thing. "Are you still in New York?"
Caleb tried to look at Hanna, but his eyes were drawn to the blue eyed toddler who was trying to show him the cuddly monkey he held in his hands. Caleb recognised it as one he had given to Hanna as a silly gift that he had managed to win at a funfair they had gone to. The monkey had been left in Hanna's memory box, but she must have pulled it out to give to the boy because it looked well-used. Hanna nodded her head at his question, "Yeah, I finished college and now I work for a magazine from home." Caleb nodded her head and took a step back, tearing his eyes from the boy as he ran his fingers through his hair and tried to think of something he could say to get out of there. "Well, if you need anything, you know where to find me."
Before he could just leave, Hanna stopped him, "Why didn't you call me before you came over?" The brunette just shrugged his shoulders and bit back a frown, "I wasn't sure if you'd let me in." His answer caused Hanna's brow to raise in confusion, and she voiced it, "Why wouldn't I let you in, we're still friends aren't we?" That slight tone of desperation didn't go missed by either party as she looked at the man in front of her, hoping that one day, he would forgive her for everything she had put him through. It may have been unwittingly but Hanna knew she had hurt him more than he would ever be able to tell her. "Yeah, of course we are." Came his reply, and it was enough for Hanna right then. Two years of nothing and then a small glimmer of hope, it was all she could ask for from the man as he opened the door to her room service.
She watched his eyes glance over at Henry once again before he stumbled out backwards; they weren't there yet but she hoped, more than anything, that they could at least be friends. That was much more than she thought she deserved.
It wasn't until the funeral that she saw him again, his eyes only met with hers briefly before he realised there was a child attached to her hip. Hanna had never seen someone look away from her so quickly before, his cheeks a slight shade of red as he sat down behind them and looked everywhere other than at his ex and her son. The blonde hadn't wanted to bring him, but at the same time, she hadn't wanted to let him out of her sight. She had been right when she had known that nothing good seemed to happen in Rosewood, there was always one awful thing after the other and whilst she had wanted to avoid her son having to go through any of the pain she had been dragged through when she lived there, she knew he was safer in her arms than he was anywhere else.
For the most part, she managed to keep calm, just absent-mindedly rubbing his back as he slept, snuggled up to her, completely unaware of what was going on around him. And she managed to keep it that way until Sara Harvey walked through the doors and her instinct took over, bringing him closer to her chest – was the nightmare ever going to be over? Charlotte was gone, but there was Sara Harvey, smirking at them like she was plotting something and Hanna wouldn't put anything past the girl who appeared to be an extremely talented actress.
For the rest of the funeral, Hanna's attention was purely divided between what was going on in front of her, and the boy who remained asleep throughout the entire thing. As she stood outside, watching Alison get into the back of a car, followed by Sara getting into another, she tried to count how many funerals she had been to. It was far too many, and two of those funerals had been for two people who were in the church that day, it just proved how crazy Rosewood was and only made the craving to get out of there build up. She couldn't ignore the way Caleb's hand seemed to linger on Spencer's arm for longer than necessary, or the way he spoke to her like she was the only person in the room, or even the way her eyes followed him as he walked away. She wanted to pretend like she hadn't noticed, because once she was back in New York, it wouldn't matter. She could run back to the safety of her apartment and try to forget about the fact she was still in love with the person she had pushed away.
She had been planning the moment in her head before Lorenzo walked over to them, and as it always did in Rosewood, her world came crashing around her. The plans she had to get out of there once again quashed by another twist – she was meant to leave but then Charlotte killed herself, and then she was meant to leave again but it turned out Charlotte had been murdered. What would be the next twist in the story? What else was going to keep her anchored to the place she hated so much? After the Detective had walked away, she was quick to jump on Spencer's words and she wasn't sure if it was because Spencer truly was wrong or if it was because of the anger that seemed to be building inside of her at the thought of something happening between her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, but she didn't have long to think about it before the girls spoke again, Spencer's words running through her mind as she looked up at the church; We are home.
