A/N: Thank you for the reviews! And apologies for the seriously long chapter, I forgot just how much Pretty Little Liars packs into one episode and I wanted to intertwine canon with this story as much as I possibly could.
As an update, I have decided that the ship for this story will be romantic Haleb, but with very strong mentions of friendship between Spencer and Hanna that I will continue to explore throughout this story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot line and Henry; the characters belong to the creators of Pretty Little Liars along with the canon lines in the season six episode described below!
"She's imperfect, but she tries. She is good, but she lies. She is hard on herself, she is broken and won't ask for help. She is messy, but she's kind. She is lonely, most of the time. She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie. She is gone, but she used to be mine." - Sara Bareilles
With everything that had happened, the last place in the world Hanna wanted to be right then was in Alison's house, with Spencer, Caleb and Emily. Even walking into the house, there was a sense of discomfort that she just couldn't shake – Charlotte was meant to be in the first few days of being home and instead, they had attended her funeral and were at the centre of a murder investigation. And, whilst most people would maintain the fact that if they were innocent, they had nothing to worry about but with the Rosewood Police, she had no idea what could happen. She had already been to jail once because of their inability to do their jobs, she wouldn't be surprised if she ended up back there again for another crime she didn't commit.
If the obvious tension in the air caused by the death of Ali's sister wasn't enough to make Hanna want to run, then being in the same room as Caleb and Spencer was enough to almost tip her over the edge. She was already dealing with being the only person who knew Aria had left the hotel room that night, the feeling that her best friend was falling or had fallen for her ex-boyfriend, and the thoughts that she was going to end up in prison for something she didn't do, so being in a house trying to make completely awkward conversation, was the last thing she wanted. If anything, she wanted to go back to New York and curl up with a good movie, on her own, just as she had gotten used to.
Still, she did her best to avoid the two of them, keeping her eyes mostly on Emily, or Ali, distracting herself with setting up the table before she focused a little too much on trying to find the bottle opener. She didn't even drink, but she needed something to do, something that would keep her mind off the way Spencer's shoulder brushed against Caleb's, or the way his eyes followed the brunette across the room. She shouldn't have felt replaced, but she truly did because all she could remember was how he used to only have eyes for her, how she would be the only person who could make him smile like that. She had taken advantage of it all and now he had found someone else, or at least she assumed he had, because it was how it looked from her perspective. Why wouldn't he fall for Spencer? She was so together, so confident, so much of everything Hanna used to be but wasn't anymore. She couldn't blame him for moving on with someone who was probably much better suited to his intellect than she ever was.
With a sigh, Hanna searched through the boxes in the pantry, frowning when she was coming up empty, before she heard a voice behind her. She was quick to force a smile as she turned to face him, "Hi," She replied, before he told her what his task was, "Ali got rid of all the alcohol when she thought Charlotte was coming home but I'll help you find the wine glasses if you help me find an opener." She told him, as she shrugged her shoulders and turned back to look through the box she still had open, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath, wishing things didn't have to be so awkward between them.
"Henry is beautiful, I-I meant to say that yesterday but..." He broke the silence between them as he searched for the wine glasses Spencer had told him to get, making slow work of doing so, just so he could attempt to make any sort of conversation with the blonde. "Thank you." Her reply was genuine, as she smiled, pure pride rushing through her body as it did every single time someone said something about Henry. Before eventually, she turned back to him and took the few steps over, trying to steady her breathing – she hadn't been so close to him in so long, just one more step and she could actually touch him.
"Look, when you left for Europe..." She trailed off, forgetting what she was going to say as she gulped and ran her fingers through her hair, her hands shaking, "I-I don't know, I just... I never moved on, I don't want you to think that you left and I started playing happy families with someone else... it wasn't like that and I didn't want you to think that we meant nothing, you know? I never got the chance to tell you that we were everything I ever wanted and so much more, and I'm really sorry that I messed up. More than messed up. I completely ruined the one good thing I had in my life and for no reason at all. I never got the chance to tell you I was sorry..." The tears were about to fall and her hand quickly fell to her arm, digging her nails into the skin there in an attempt to focus on the present and not the overwhelming past that never seemed to disappear.
She hadn't expected him to say anything back, or even accept her apology but she had hoped for more than the three words he finally spoke, "You seem happy." She almost laughed, Caleb was the one person in the world who knew her better than anyone and if she seemed happy to him, then she was succeeding in her mission to push everyone away. The wall was working, and she was happy to keep up the lie, "I am."
Caleb forced his own smile, watching Hanna carefully before he gave her a small smile, "I'm glad." He went back to the search, making quicker work of it this time as he ran over the conversation in his head – when he had spoken, he half wanted and half expected Hanna to tell him the truth. She didn't seem happy at all, he could see it in her eyes, and anyone who knew the blonde well enough would be able to tell just from the way she looked, even the way she dressed. Long gone were the short skirts and revealing tops; he had only seen, and had confirmed with Spencer, the previously Fashion obsessed woman was only seen in jeans or trousers, buttoned up tops with long sleeves and jackets that seemed a little too big for her tiny frame. She had always been perfect in his eyes, but now, all he saw was a withdrawn, thinner, paler, more exhausted looking version of the person he had fallen in love with so many years ago.
He tried to push those thoughts back though, because he could only imagine how exhausting being a single mother must be. Especially when she was working, too. He didn't want to judge the life Hanna had, although he wanted it to be a good one, even if he had walked out of it.
"Found it." They both called out in unison, relief coating both their features as Hanna smiled at him, "Looks like we both have what we need." She said, giving him a sad smile before she walked out of there, and back towards the room where the awkward tension seemed to be ten times worse.
It was moments later that they were all sat around the table, her and Alison at the respective head, Emily on one side of her and Caleb and Spencer on the other. She wondered how her mother was getting on with Henry right then, what they were up to and how she would much rather be there than sat at that table right then. The blonde looked up when Alison sat down, and Spencer spoke, "What was it? The update?" With a sigh, Alison responded, although Hanna could hear a bit of bitterness lacing the tone of her voice, "Time of death. Charlotte was killed around four am... Lorenzo says this is good news, they're one step closer to finding her killer." And then she paused, looking around the table, "Let's say grace."
Hanna kept her eyes focused on the table before Emily cleared her throat, gently tapping her arm, causing Hanna to look up and frown. Now Ali wanted her to hold hands with her ex-boyfriend, as though the entire night wasn't awkward enough. With an apologetic smile directed at Caleb, terrified that the last thing he wanted to do in the world was touch her, she gently placed her hand in his and then Emily's, focusing on Ali's words and not the need she had to wrap her fingers around Caleb's hand tightly and never let go. He raped me. It screamed in her head but she could never say those words, not to him and not in front of everyone.
"Thank you Heavenly Father for this healing food and these dear friends and thank you to all those who are working tirelessly to seek justice for Charlotte and thank you for helping the police find Charlotte's killer and anyone who could be protecting him... or her. Thank you always for your guidance and love. Amen." Hanna had opened her eyes, getting too lost in her own thoughts, relieved to find Spencer's and Emily's eyes open as well, each of them looking from Ali to Hanna, confused expressions on their face until the other blonde's eyes opened and she glared at them. Hanna's heart thumped against her chest, because despite the fact she didn't know anything for certain and she wasn't the one who murdered Charlotte, Alison somehow managed to make the guilt creep in. Her eyes met with her two best friends, biting down on her lip as they all silently agreed on just how awkward the entire night was, and now it could only get worse.
And just as they had come to Rosewood to lie for Ali one more time, somehow, they managed to fall right back into high school habits with each passing moment they spent in Rosewood.
It was how Hanna found herself standing in front of her mother, her arms folded and her body tensed as she lied. Her mother knew her too well, she knew what Hanna and her friends had to do during high school just to survive, and Hanna knew that despite how much she protested, Ashley would never believe she, or her friends, had nothing to do with the erasing of the tape that could have been used against Aria and Ezra. "I had a daughter who was staying here who was once tortured by the victim. Don't look so surprised." Were the last words the red head spoke to her daughter before she stormed off and Hanna just watched her leave.
She could almost laugh out loud as she thought about how she had managed to turn back five years despite the fact she had already been through worse, and she had a son that she was meant to be focusing on. She had to resist the urge to Google just how long in prison she could get for covering for a potential murder suspect, before the panic finally began to settle in. Her mother was going to be taken in for questioning, and the Rosewood Police always seemed to get everything so wrong. There was one link between anyone who worked at that hotel and Charlotte and that single link was her mother – she had unwittingly put her in the firing line. Just one more thing she had to feel guilty about, another thing that would repeat in her head over and over again until she could fix it.
That was how she found herself talking to Spencer, despite the fact it was the last thing she wanted to do. Jealousy was a powerful emotion, but never as prominent as the pure guilt she felt – maybe if she had told Caleb two years ago, they would still be together and maybe, just maybe, she would have been okay. Her life was full of maybe's and one of those was standing right in front of her – maybe this would be the girl who got the man of Hanna's dreams. Her blue eyes watered and she looked at her friend with complete desperation, "You have to ask your mom-"
"No. My mom's not an attorney right now, she's a candidate. I cannot ask her anything and I can't talk to you right now I'm in the middle of an interview. " Hanna shook her head in disbelief, the first person she had thought of who could help her, wasn't going to. And she knew she couldn't waste any more time trying to convince Spencer otherwise, "Spencer, the police have a list of everyone who stayed at the hotel that night. Someone was murdered and you're going to get questioned. We all are."
She didn't stick around to get a response. She knew there was no point, and instead, she had to focus her attention on finding someone who might actually help Ashley Marin out when she needed it. The woman would stop the world for her daughter if she could, and Hanna needed to do the same for her, especially after two years of being an awful daughter. It was how she ended up at the loft Lucas had mentioned to her earlier in the day; Hanna stood outside for just a moment, the prospect of being alone with any man was something she had to build up the courage to do, but she knew she had to do something. Lucas could help her, he would actually be willing, if he was still the same person he had been five years ago, at least.
A deep breath later, she quickly raised her hand to knock on the door, not bothering to force a smile when it opened, and she was greeted by the person she hadn't seen in so long before that day. "I need your help." Was all she had to say before he invited her in, so quick to rush to her aid – how she ended up with someone as sweet of a friend as Lucas, she would never know but right then, she needed him to help her. There was no time for small talk, she could feel her stomach twisting, and her heart thumping, her palms were sweating and she tried to convince herself that it was just Lucas. She hadn't been truly alone with a man in so long, it was a situation she had always managed to avoid and now, it made the huge apartment seem smaller, the walls tightening around her before her eyes finally settled on him and instead, she rushed to get her words out. She explained everything to him, how she thought the police were thinking, how she feared she and her friends were about to be framed for the murder of Charlotte DiLaurentis. And then she reached her conclusion, the real reason she was there, "Well, I was thinking that maybe... maybe you could say that you came to my room and you met Henry and we talked until the sun came up..."
She saw the look on his face, and she realised how ridiculous the entire thing was, he was a successful man now, why an earth would he risk his own life to protect her? Why would anyone want to do that? You're worthless, she reminded herself as she shook her head, running her fingers through her hair, "You know what? Forget that, I'm I'm sorry I even asked." She moved quickly past him, embarrassed that she had even asked in the first place.
And then he spoke, his words laced with confusion, "You want me to be your alibi?" That was exactly what she had asked him, only he left out the key word – fake. Her fake alibi, and if she needed one of those, how guilty did he think she was? "No. No, I don't. I really didn't think this through. Let's just pretend I never asked. Hey, when you're in New York, let's get dinner." Her words were panicked, rushed, and she needed to get out of there, away from him and away from the embarrassment she had probably caused the both of them.
"Um, Hanna. You need me, I'm there for you." For the first time in so long, Hanna's smile was a genuine one, the tears falling out of pure relief as she looked at the person in front of her. So many bad things had happened to her, she had almost forgotten how true, loyal friendship felt. Lucas was just living proof that good people, good men, still existed, and it was all she needed from him right then.
Relief was all she felt that night – she had finally sorted something out, even though the mess she had created was purely her own. If she hadn't erased that tape, Aria and Ezra would have had the chance to explain themselves and maybe they should have trusted that the Police would know what they were doing this time. Maybe they had learned from their mistakes, unlike the girls, she supposed.
She was in a world of her own, staring down at some old photographs of Henry in her mother's house, frowning as she realised she should send her more. She should include her more, it wasn't Ashley's fault what had happened. A knock on the door took her from her thoughts and she looked up, giving the brunette a smile smile when she sheepishly walked into her kitchen, "Look, I'm really sorry about the way that I talked to you today. I was just so focused on trying to be my mom's saviour that I..."
Hanna cut her off, not sure she wanted to hear her apologies, "No, it's fine, Lucas is going to help us. He's gonna be our alibi." She shrugged, as though it was no big deal but the two of them knew it was, Lucas was going to lie for them and either it would get them out of the trouble they had once again found themselves in or it would land them all in even more trouble than they were before. Only, Hanna had managed to drag one additional person into the mess that was officially known as A drama. Spencer's eyes glanced down at the photographs Hanna had laid out on the table, a small smile on her face as she stared at the huge smile of the boy who looked so much like her best friend, "You seem happy." She finally said, looking back up at Hanna, searching her face for any clues that she was anything other than content with her life.
For a moment, Hanna wondered if she could win an award for her obvious talent as an actress, for Spencer was the second person to tell her she seemed happy when Hanna always thought she was anything but. It almost made her want to call her doctor up and inform her that the happy pills seemed to be working – it almost made her laugh, if only Spencer and Caleb could look at the medication Hanna had to take just to get through every day. If only they could spend one moment inside her head to see what was truly going on, would they still think she was happy? When her best friend spoke again, Hanna wondered if she actually seemed happy or if Caleb and Spencer only said it to ease their own guilt about the way they felt for each other. The second option seemed more viable with each passing second, "So, um, is it weird now for you to see Caleb?"
"No, why does everyone keep asking me about Caleb?"
"I, I didn't realise anybody else had."
"Oh." Was all Hanna could say, before that moment, everything in her head had been just that – in her head. Suspicions, her own paranoia, her jealousy that Caleb had moved on when they should have been together. She knew that look, and she knew Spencer better than either of them truly realised up until that point, and she knew that her best friend had done what most would consider forbidden in the world of 'girl code'. She stepped closer, "So... do you have feelings for..."
Spencer didn't say anything, she didn't have to, so instead, Hanna continued, "So, um, when you, um... when you guys, uh... met up in Spain..." She trailed off, the thought being enough to break her heart even more than it already was. Whilst she was sitting in their empty apartment, mourning the loss of the person she loved, along with the confidence and the safety she had once felt, whilst also trying to come to terms with the fact she was carrying the child of her rapist, Caleb had been hooking up with Spencer.
The thoughts quickly disappeared, "No, no, I would never do that to you. No." Spencer was adamant, her words were confident and Hanna knew they were true but it didn't matter. The feelings were there, it was enough to feel that crushing betrayal, even if nothing had happened just yet. "I don't even know if he feels the same way."
This was it, Hanna thought, this was the moment she could either make Caleb hate her more than he probably already did, or just let him go once and for all. She knew that the moment anything happened with him and Spencer, that would be it, there would be no future for them. She could stop imagining a world where he would realise something just wasn't right, because he would be focused on someone who could give him everything he deserved. She was shaking, her breathing unsteady, her eyes stinging with unshed tears as she looked at Spencer, "I.." She trailed off, she didn't know what to say, and Spencer's eyes seemed to fill with desperation increasingly as every second passed. "You can't," She finally whispered, "Please..."
There it was. Begging for her best friend not to make a move on her ex, if he found out, would he hate her forever? "I know I'm supposed to just say... go for it because I'm the one who messed up, I'm the one who let him leave and I didn't fight, I didn't... I just let him walk out that door and I know he probably thinks that he means nothing to me but... I'm not over him, Spencer. It's been two years and I, just the thought of seeing you with him..."
The desperate look on Spencer's face was replaced with one of confusion as she bit down on her lip and folded her arms, "You cheated on him though, Hanna." She pointed out the obvious, and Hanna just shook her head, it's not cheating if you didn't want it. She opened her mouth to say the words that ran through her head, but as always, they got caught in her throat, and the self-doubt began to creep in. Would it mean anything after two years of complete silence? Would anyone believe her? Would Spencer think it was a pathetic attempt to snatch Caleb from her? Each question that Hanna asked herself caused her chest to tighten, before the tears finally fell, and her arm swung out to grip onto the counter. Counting was meant to work, her therapist had tried to go through multiple exercises with Hanna to keep the panic attacks at bay but nothing would make any of it seem normal, not in front of Spencer.
"Hanna, I won't do anything without your approval but I don't understand why..." She didn't understand why either; in front of her, was the perfect woman for Caleb. She was intelligent, beautiful, she had her life together, she wasn't broken, she was just... Spencer Hastings and Caleb deserved a chance at being with someone who wasn't going to ruin his life at any given moment. Hanna was never going to be that person for him, she had a son, and she took anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, sleeping tablets, her life was a complete and utter mess and she could let Caleb be free to be with someone who would give him normality.
"I didn't want this, I didn't want any of it..." Was all she managed to get out, repeating it over and over until Spencer's arms wrapped around her and her lips pressed to her forehead, "It's okay," She whispered, "I won't tell him, nothing is going to happen, just talk to me Hanna, please."
With her eyes closed, and her grip tightening on Spencer's arm, she let out a broken sob, "I didn't want to lose him, Spence, I really didn't want to lose him but we were fighting all the time, we weren't having sex, it was just like we existed and we stayed because we loved each other and neither of us wanted to end it but we both knew it couldn't carry on." She took a breath, not really paying attention to the words that fell from her lips, "I kind of thought he would be there forever, I just... I forgot that people leave. People leave all the time and things happen and then they're gone and I should have tried harder, I should have done more but then everything was so much worse than it ever had been before. I was going to try and fix things, I was going to make things better, I was going to try, I promise I was going to try but then I-I, then I was raped and everything was fucked up. More than it was before. And then he left, he left before I could tell him and then-"
Spencer pulled back, grabbing her friends face gently as she frowned, but Hanna continued to ramble on, trying to gloss over what she had just said but it was just those words that rang through Spencer's mind over and over again, on repeat. Suddenly, everything made sense – she hadn't seen Hanna until after Henry was born because she had been in Europe, and her best friend seemed so different. Withdrawn, thinner, quieter, she flinched every time someone touched her, or someone spoke too loudly, or the door slammed, she had a look of panic etched into her features that she would quickly try and cover with a forced smile. They assumed she was just exhausted, motherhood was something none of them had ever experienced before. She should have known better, she should have known.
"Hanna, stop, stop... stop." She wiped the tears away, and shook her head, "You didn't cheat on Caleb," She tried to wrap her head around it as Hanna's sob worsened, "Don't tell anyone, don't tell Caleb, please.. promise me, Spencer..."
The brunette took a deep breath and rubbed Hanna's back, before she nodded her head a little, even if she didn't agree. "Tell me everything," She finally settled on, her feelings for Caleb long forgotten as she stared into the eyes of her broken friend. She had the same look in her eyes as she had when she was in the doll house, but none of them had noticed, for two years, no one had seen just how broken Hanna was.
