TAICHI

By now I'd become fairly adept at getting into a hakama, so I was ready quickly. "I'm going to go make sure everything's set with our registrations," I told the other guys. Komano gave me a look and I could tell he was thinking about how we were instructed to come right back. But we both knew the girls would take forever getting ready, so after a moment of consideration he returned to wrangling his swaths of fabric. "I'll check and see if the pairings are up yet, too."

Leaving them in the restroom, I wove my way through the now more-crowded passageway. I ignored the admiring looks and exclamations about the hakama. I'd heard it all before.

As I entered the lobby I heard a female voice that seemed familiar. "Cut it out, Arai."

I followed the sound to where a couple sat on a bench against the wall. It was Rion!

A genial-looking young man with longish wavy brown hair was grinning into her face and murmuring something too quietly for me to hear. I watched Rion's cheeks color. Both of them looked toward the entrance and he leaned his shoulder against hers, inclining his head to make what appeared to be a teasing comment. Rion covered her mouth with her hand, but I could see her eyes sparkle in amusement.

Wow.

I'd never seen Rion give any guy more than passing attention. She'd been polite, even friendly with me, but nothing like this.

He brought his lips close to her ear again and whispered something. My insides seemed to sizzle. Yo, buddy, she's got, like, super hearing; you don't need to get that close.

Rion's face colored and her brows drew down. She shoved him away. "I said it's not like that." When she started to rise, he grabbed her hand and pulled her back down heavily. She tugged at it. "Let go, you idiot!"

He didn't, though, instead adding the strength of his other hand, twining his forearms around her arm in a pose of supplication.

Without realizing it, my feet took me in a direct line toward them. In a moment I was close enough to hear him say, "Aw, don't be like that now, Ri-chan."

This guy was seriously pissing me off. Without thinking, I clasped his shoulder, squeezing firmly and pushing his back to the wall.

Two pairs of shocked amber eyes found me. "Mashima-kun!" Rion blurted.

"She said to let go," I informed the guy. My voice came out low and hostile sounding.

I watched her captor's eyes go a bit wider, then crinkle into mirth. "O-ho!" he said merrily, releasing Rion's arm to mime clapping. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner."

Huh?

Rion blushed.

"And who might you be?" the young man asked, a note of teasing in his voice. "Mashima, is it? Are you a friend of Rion's?"

He didn't seem at all bothered by my show of bravado. What's with this guy?

His easy acceptance mollified me somewhat, but I was still hyped up on adrenaline. I struggled to rein in my temper. "Yeah. I guess I am. And who are you?"

Rion answered before he could. "This is my stupid, overprotective big brother, Arai."

Brother?

Ohhhhh… A weight seemed to lift from my shoulders.

"You forgot to say good-looking," he said as an aside to her, leaning against her shoulder again. Clearly they were pretty close. "Nice to meet you, Mashima-kun." He grinned mischievously.

"Well," Arai slapped his hands down on his thighs before standing. "I think I'll go find a vending machine. You want anything, Ri-chan? Mashima?" That grin slipped out again.

We shook our heads, and he walked away, leaving us staring after him.

"Um," I began. "He seems like an interesting guy."

"Pfft." She let her head drop. "He's an idiot."

I smirked. I'd never heard Rion quite so… careless? Or is it carefree? I took the seat vacated by her brother.

"I didn't expect to see you here today," I said. "You should have emailed us."

"Oh, um." She seemed flustered. "My dad is presenting at a conference in the city today, so he was willing to bring me along. It was kind of last minute." She shot a glance in the direction her brother had wandered. "Too bad he had to call Arai to keep tabs on me."

"Is that what he did?"

"I guess so. Although Arai may have just wanted to come and watch. He's been at university the last couple years, so he hasn't seen me play in a while. And I'm really hoping today I can…" She stopped abruptly.

"Make Class A," I finished for her. I felt a little niggle of guilt that I was the one who kept her from it last time. "You will," I said, giving her a confident smile.

"I did learn a lot from you and Chihaya, so I think I have a chance." Hope and uncertainty glimmered in her amber eyes. That endearing vulnerability was showing through again.

I held her gaze, willing strength into her. "Just take your time. There are fifty cards out there. You only have to take twenty-five of them. You can afford to lose a few if it means you won't commit a fault."

She nodded, her wide eyes holding me.

"I'm going to check the pairings. Want to come?"

She agreed and we found the grid on a table near the entrance to the Class A room. I didn't recognize the names of Chihaya's opponent or mine. Nishida was paired with a name that seemed familiar.

"He's from Hokuo," Rion told me after I wondered aloud. "I played him in the high school tournament last year. I guess he's Class A now."

We started walking back toward her bench again. "Any insider tips you'd be willing to share?" I raised my eyebrows and sent her a hopeful look.

She laughed. "How could I resist that face?"

I laughed too. She had a couple recollections, but it had been a long time. "I probably only remember because it was my first high school tournament," she said. "And because I lost."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. "Well, I'd better get back," I said. "Good luck!"

As I started to walk away she grabbed my wrist. "Mashima-kun," she said rather breathlessly. "If I… If I make the finals, will you come watch?" A faint blush lit her complexion. "I mean, if you're not busy."

A self-deprecating laugh escaped. "I shouldn't say this, but I seriously doubt I'll be in the Class A finals this time. I'm here for the experience." Even as the words left my mouth part of me rebelled at the thought. "But, yeah, if I get knocked out, I'll come see you win."

A small smile graced her lips. "Thanks," she said, releasing my arm.

"Sure." Satisfaction blossomed inside me. She made me feel like a hero for doing something so simple. "Well, later then." I headed back toward our room.

-0-0-0-0-

CHIHAYA

I knelt before my first opponent, a studious-looking girl who appeared to be several years my senior. Behind her glasses she had angular brown eyes set in a face so thin it was almost gaunt. She didn't try to engage me in conversation; in fact, she seemed to be avoiding eye contact.

I glanced around the room, my eyes touching briefly on Taichi and Porky. A few other familiar faces were here as well… Dr. Harada and Tsuboguchi from the Shiranami society, Amakasu and Sudo from Hokuo, and the cute mom I played here last year. I took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled, releasing all the emotions tied up with those people.

We mixed the cards and I set about placing mine. I took a couple practice swings, accustoming myself to the hakama. It wasn't too heavy, and I'd asked Oe-san to tie up the sleeves with tasuki so I could move easily. As we spent time in memorization, I reviewed the cards by several methods. With only a minute or so left, I closed my eyes and imagined Arata sitting across from me.

But it didn't bring the comfort it had before. I wasn't ready to face him. I still felt…wounded. I'd fought hard over the past few weeks but my play was erratic. The precision I'd worked so hard to perfect had disappeared since the surgery. It was as if a lead weight were attached to my knuckle.

"Naniwa Bay, now the flower blooms, but for winter…"

I tried desperately to regain my composure, to remember that soaring, victorious feeling I'd had when I'd pictured Arata in Yamai's place that day at Fujisaki.

I attuned my hearing, waiting for the reader. "As my s…" I swung upper right, but the student's thin hand slipped under mine.

Stay calm. It's only one card.

But why wasn't my hand lower?

The next card read was on my side and I captured it. But the two after that went to her when I came in too slow or too high again.

I decided to try slapping the mat harder on my swings. Maybe that could compensate for my too-high reach.

"If I…." I swung downward as I went upper left, expecting to hit the card hard. But it shot towards me instead, a casualty of her swift thrust. I watched as the cards around it went flying, propelled by my hand just a moment too late.

Why? Why is this happening? I've worked so hard. I went through the surgery for karuta, and now I can't win, even using this ugly style of play…

The contest ended too quickly, my mental game completely collapsed. "Thank you for the match," I mumbled.

In a daze, I slowly rose to my feet and followed my opponent out into the reception area as she went to report her win.

I felt the sting of tears beginning, and suddenly I just wanted to escape…escape this stifling building, this heavy hakama, escape the claustrophobic weight of dreams crashing down all around me! My footsteps accelerated toward the glass entry door, and I burst out into searing sunshine. Tears blurred my vision, but I didn't slow as I tore down the front steps and toward what looked like a cluster of trees further down the block.

I reached the tiny park, pulling up quickly when my bare feet hit bits of mulch and pointy twigs.

"Ow!" I hopped from one foot to the other, finally leaning against a sturdy oak so I could brush off the detritus. When that was accomplished, the surge of adrenaline left me and I crumpled to the ground. Tears flowed silently down my cheeks and dripped from my chin.

Why?

A strong breeze whooshed through the lofty tree branches.

Why, God? I've worked so hard. Karuta is all I have! I'm not smart like Desktomu and Taichi. I'll never be an idol like my sister. This is it for me…I only have one dream.

My mind recalled an image of the career survey, filled out with a single word: "Queen."

It's been my only goal for so long. I can't imagine a different future for myself.

Soberly, I viewed my life as if from the outside. Always focused on karuta, never noticing the bigger world around me; not really caring about the classmates I made small talk with, because they didn't share my first love. Even my teammates could become tools for me, to hone my own karuta skills, or simply to bring me pleasure by playing against me in a match. Did it matter that they were my teammates? My friends? Or would anyone suffice to fill their spot on the mat, so long as I could play karuta wholeheartedly against them?

Shame engulfed me as I thought of how long it had been since I'd spent time with my sister or congratulated her on a new role, how I'd neglected my studies and ignored Ms. Mayuchi's warnings to take my future plans more seriously.

God, who have I become?

I tried to remember when it was that I began to change, when I became less concerned about having fun and more about winning and winning and winning.

My mind recalled a picture of Arata kneeling across from Shinobu-chan. It hurts.

Yes, it was probably then that I became truly desperate to win. Not so that I could defeat either of them, although I would try, but simply so I could compete against them as an equal. I've dreamed of the Queen for over a year now. And how many years have I waited to play Arata again?

My heart constricted at the thought of him. He's so far away; only karuta can bring him close. And I want him to be close. I want…

One of the poems sang in my mind: "Must I forever long for him with my whole heart till life ends?"

Tears sprang anew as I considered the possibility of never being able to play him. Another dream evaporating into mist.

God, I can't handle this all on my own anymore. Everything I've worked for, everything I am is crumbling around me. Help me!

I wiped stubborn tears away with a shaking hand. I'll listen! I will, I promise! Just show me how to live the way I should.

Another gust of wind moved the trees and swept strands of hair across my face. My trembling stopped, and little by little I felt the heavy weight lift from my chest.

My phone trilled and I reached for it automatically. My mouth fell open at the display. Had my prayers somehow summoned him?

I pressed the button. "Arata!" I whispered.

"Oh, you answered." His country accent stirred my heart. "Huh," he chuckled. "That's what you usually say, isn't it? It's just that I thought you would be in the tournament this weekend, so you might not answer. I was going to leave a message and wish you luck."

"Oh. Mm."

"Chihaya?" Concern laced his tone.

"I- I lost," I admitted. "I lost in the first round."

"Oh." He sighed heavily. "Sorry."

I held the phone against my ear and closed my eyes, comforted by this tenuous connection with him.

"Is your hand still bothering you?" he asked.

I spread my fingers wide and looked at it ruefully. "Not really. I mean, it doesn't hurt anymore, it just…. Everything feels off with my game ever since the surgery." Another thought occurred. "Or maybe I've just gotten slower than I used to be."

"Hmm." He considered my words. "You know, it took me a while to catch up after I…stopped playing. It was really frustrating. My brain expected my body to react like it used to, but for a while it just couldn't keep up with what I remembered."

"Yes!" I sat up straight, remembering how Arata had struggled. He'd been so frustrated when he lost to Tsoboguchi that first time I'd seen him play again.

"Just keep practicing as you always have and try to be patient. It'll come back."

"Hmph," I quirked my mouth. "I'm not very good at patient. Just persistent."

He laughed, and the throaty sound sent a rush through my body. "Glad to know you haven't changed, then," he said fondly.

I closed my eyes and cradled the phone close to my ear. Must I forever long for him… "I really wanted to play you at Omi Jingu," I admitted.

"Yeah." His voice held a husky note. "That would be really fun."

My heart hung on the sound of his even breaths. He continued. "I'm sorry for the way I acted when you and Taichi came to see me. We could have played then, but I just couldn't…"

"No, I'm sorry," I interjected quickly, horrified to send him back to such a dark place. "I didn't know what you were going through. Your neighbor friend explained some."

"Yuu," he supplied her name absently. "Well, even so, I'm sorry. But it was good that you came. You gave me hope."

I smiled at that. "When will I see you again, Arata? Are you going to any tournaments near Tokyo?"

"Probably not. I'll be at the Yoshino one where you saw me last year. Everyone goes to that to get ready for the Master qualifiers."

"Now that Taichi's made Class A I doubt we'll go that far again," I said ruefully.

"Then, I'll come watch you in the Queen match," he said. I could hear a smile in his voice.

"The Queen match?!"

"You'll be there, won't you?"

I could feel the old me rising to his challenge. But I had a new perspective now. "I don't know," I said slowly. "But I'll do my best. Was it… never mind." I decided I really didn't want to hear if he'd had fun playing against Shinobu-chan.

I heard someone's voice in the background before Arata said he had to get back to work. After we said goodbye, I held the phone against my heart and basked in the stillness.

The Queen match, he said. Can I even win enough matches to face her? My recent slump came to mind. I heard Arata again: "Just keep practicing as you always have and try to be patient."

My eyes had been following an ant as he made his way toward the tree trunk that supported me. He struggled to carry an oversized bit of leaf or something. Keep working…be patient. This little guy had the right idea. I felt a smile lift my cheeks as a thought occurred to me: he reminded me of Taichi, when we painstakingly lugged the tatami mats to the clubroom the first time. I thought of Kana-chan next, and how she is careful to clean the mats properly for us. My heart skipped from one teammate to another, reminding me of how dear these people were to me.

What am I doing sitting here thinking about myself? I have to go cheer them on! I jumped up and hurried back to the tournament.