Chapter 5
APOV
I lie on my bed listening to my iPod. I need music to help me think so I put one of my playlists on repeat. Has it come to making a list between each of them to see who is the best of the worst? Christian, the things he makes me feel - I felt alive when I met him. But am I doomed to be hurt with him? He's like a roller coaster when it's good, it's really good. But, when it's bad, it's really bad. Then there's José - fun, predictable, in the middle. I know José won't hurt me and I know he has feelings for me. But, he is being pushy with sex, and he did try to kiss me that night at the bar when I was saying no.
Christian, he's this enigma. But I don't think I can handle the pain he could cause me. I feel like I am Catherine and I must choose between Edgar and Heathcliff. Eventually, I fall asleep listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri.
The following day I wake up; Kate stayed at Elliot's and has something with her mom so I set out to do my laundry and other errands to keep my mind off of everything. Sometimes, being alone is what's best for your soul. Maybe I shouldn't choose anyone. Maybe there isn't anyone from whom to choose. I make a decision right now to focus on myself and my new job. Everything else will need to wait. This is why I've never had a relationship. They are so complicated, I can't keep my head on straight.
CPOV
Anastasia is the only woman I have ever met that makes me lose complete control. I knew her for only about two weeks. Why has she affected me so? When I saw her with José I was jealous but I also was… sad? Sad she would choose him over me? Or did she choose hearts and flowers over contracts and playrooms? Did she even make a choice?
I've gone to call her more times than I can count, to tell her what - that I don't want her with anyone else? That I want her with me? What does that even mean? She said no to the contract. That's it - it's a done deal. So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel as if I lost something? This isn't how things should be. I think I need to talk to Flynn. I feel so out of control here. Frustrated, I shutdown my laptop and am thinking about going down to the gym when Elliot calls.
"Hey bro, are you watching the Mariner's game later?" This is Elliot's way of telling me he wants to watch the game on my TV and drink all my beer.
But, I could use the distraction. "I'll be here. You can come over if you want. Is Kate coming?"
"No, she went somewhere with her mom today so it'll just be us guys."
"OK. See you soon."
Twenty minutes later and Elliot is walking into the foyer. He walks to the kitchen and I hand him a beer. "I don't know what food we have. Mrs. Jones is off on the weekends."
"No worries. I'm sure I'll find something. Even rich jerks have to eat, right?"
I glower at him, "Fuck you." But I can't hold it in and start to laugh. Elliot finds some chips in the pantry and we make our way to the TV room. We sit down and I turn on the game. It's just started so we haven't missed anything. This will be good. I can turn my brain off for a while and just watch the game and drink beer.
Elliot opens his beer. "So…" Long pause.
What does he want now? "What Elliot? Just spit it out already."
"OK. What's up with you and Ana? Should I pretend I didn't see you two sneak off together outside at the party?"
"That wasn't what you think. That was nothing."
"So, let me get this straight. You meet this girl and for the first time I see you act normal. Remember, I was with you when you picked her up from the bar. You guys are all hot and heavy and suddenly you break it off with each other. Then, you come to my party and Ana and her dude are there so you happen to stay longer than you have ever at all my parties combined. I'm not blind."
"Elliot, it was nothing. We had fun for a couple of weeks and realized we don't have anything in common and it wouldn't work out. End of story. Plus, she's with him now." Just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I think about last night and kissing Ana. That felt so good, so right.
"Christian, you can bullshit anyone else but I'm your brother. Why don't you admit you like her and get her back."
"What do you mean get her back? This isn't a John Hughes film. She's in a relationship and is happy. Like I said, we had fun but that's all it was."
"Well, Kate said she thinks Ana is just settling for José because she knows he likes her."
"So, Ana is fucking him because he likes her?"
"I don't think they are."
"Are what?"
"I don't think they're fucking. I stay at their place pretty often. He never stays and she never stays there. Kate thinks the same thing. She thinks it may have happened once but not again, and not for lack of him trying. He's got it bad for her."
"Don't talk about her like that." Elliot starts to laugh.
"Seriously, just admit it to yourself. Why are you both so stubborn? I don't know what happened to you after you went outside but she seemed to have left pretty quickly after. Don't you think that means anything?"
"Yeah, it means your parties fucking suck."
"Look, all I'm saying is I was the biggest man-whore in Seattle but when I met Kate, I just knew she was something special. Now that we all know you aren't gay or celibate, why don't you admit somewhere deep down in there you have a heart and a little brunette named Ana touched it and made you feel all fuzzy inside."
"Remind me to never invite you over again."
"I don't need an invitation, I know your security codes."
"Asshole."
"Bitch."
After the game, Elliot leaves. If Ana and José aren't intimate then maybe Elliot is right. Maybe she doesn't like José as much as she'd like everyone to believe. But why? She's the one who said no. She's the one who didn't want me. Is she feeling as confused and out of control as I am? Does she think about me and go to call me before stopping herself? Does she hold the first editions and think of what happened in the elevator? When she hears a helicopter, does she think of Charlie Tango?
