10.
Jack awoke in the last place he expected: his bed. He came to quietly; there was no gasping intake of breath, no sense of pain or panic. It was as if he'd been asleep and was simply waking up after a very long night.
He hoped so. He hoped it had all been a dream, that he would open his eyes and find there'd been no Riftquakes, no nightmares, no stabbing, no shooting. He'd see Ianto next to him, alive and healthy, not recovering from both mental and physical trauma. And he'd tell him everything, in order to be rid of the crushing fear and guilt.
As he opened his eyes and gazed upward, he felt the press of a warm body against his and turned to find Ianto beside him, also staring at the ceiling. A single light was on, and Jack could see the furrows between the man's brows, the sad look of worry in his eyes.
"Hey," Jack murmured, not sure what else to say, how to start this particular conversation. Ianto glanced sideways at him and offered a small smile.
"Hey," Ianto replied. Jack took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry," he said. He would never be able to say it enough.
"I know," said Ianto, his voice tired, defeated. Jack hated that it was his fault.
"What…what happened?" he asked. "I mean, other than the obvious."
"We're really not sure," Ianto replied. He sighed and closed his eyes. "Other than the obvious."
Jack reached for Ianto's hand and was relieved beyond measure when Ianto not only let him, but held on tight. He turned so that he was on his side and could see Ianto, his eyes still shut, and laid his other hand on Ianto's chest. Ianto was wearing some of Jack's casual clothing, a pair of sleeping pants and a long sleeve shirt, while Jack was stripped down to his shorts and tucked beneath his blankets.
"I'm sorry you had to see that."
A deep breath rattled under Jack's hand. "I've seen you die before, Jack," Ianto replied. "But not by your own hand." His eyes flew open, bright and angry. "And I don't ever want to see that again."
"I know," Jack replied, hanging his head. "I'm sorry, I tried so hard to resist, but I couldn't…"
"What happened?" Ianto asked. "Why did you do it?"
"It was the Xrilian," Jack began, and Ianto nodded.
"We gathered as much. But why…why would it force you to shoot yourself? If it can read our minds, it must know you can't die."
"Probably," Jack agreed. Now it was his turn to stare at the ceiling, as he laid back down to avoid Ianto's eyes. "But it wanted me to shoot you."
Ianto was silent for a long moment. "So it was trying to make my nightmares come true," he finally said. "It's after me and we have no way of stopping it."
"No, it's after me," said Jack. "It wants…look, in the medical bay, what happened? When did I go out? I don't remember how much we talked, what was real and what was fake."
"We were trying to figure out why it might be after you," Ianto said. "You sort of stopped and stared at me, as if you were thinking or listening, and then you took out your gun. Before I could get out of bed to stop you, you put it to your temple and pulled the trigger." He turned his head toward Jack, his eyes unbearably sad. "It was horrifying."
"It was so hard to resist what it really wanted me to do, and it seemed the only way to stop it," Jack replied. He frowned as he realized something. "Why did it take so long for me to revive?"
"When you revived you were completely hysterical. Apparently not unlike I was after my own waking episode, so Owen knocked you out." Ianto sighed. "It's been less than an hour. We brought you down here so he could clean up the medical bay. I did my best for you. But why did it want you to shoot me? To finish what it started?"
"Revenge." Jack laughed bitterly. "I shot it. I locked it away in the dark. And it thinks I killed its mate."
Ianto did not reply at all, and Jack wondered if he'd come to the right conclusion, that this thing was after them because it believed Ianto was Jack's mate. He wondered what Ianto would think about that, if he'd be angry, or exasperated, or in complete denial. But Ianto was silent.
When Jack finally chanced a look at him, he saw Ianto staring blankly at nothing, his eyes flicking back and forth, his breathing quick and shallow. Jack laid a hand on his shoulder, but Ianto did not respond. And that's when Jack knew: Ianto was in another waking nightmare. The Xrillian was really stepping up its attacks.
How did he break it? He shook Ianto, then tapped his cheek several times, all with no response. Ianto did not even look at him, though after a moment he shut his eyes tight and moaned. It must have been bad. Jack did the only other thing he could think of: he leaned down and kissed Ianto, caressing him as he did, hoping the physical sensation might distract him enough to pull him out of the dream.
It worked. With a gasp, Ianto's arms came up and around Jack's shoulders, pulling him tight as he returned the kiss fiercely. It was short, though, and soon enough Ianto was pulling away, though his hands stayed around Jack's neck.
"You're still here," he whispered, his fingers running through Jack's hair.
"Of course I am." Jack ran a hand across Ianto's cheek, wondering what he had seen. "We have to figure out a way to stop this."
"Tosh is working on it," Ianto replied as he sagged back down onto the bed. "She suggested we go to my flat, thinking we'd be out of range, but Owen's still worried about contagions."
"It would only leave the rest of the team at risk," Jack replied, shaking his head. He rolled over onto his back, pulling Ianto with him and wrapping his arms around the other man as tightly as he could without hurting Ianto's injured side.
"It's not after them," Ianto replied. "It's after us."
"Me," said Jack.
"Through me," said Ianto. Jack sighed.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to keep apologizing," Ianto said. "It's not your fault, you know."
Jack laughed slightly hysterically. "That's not what you said in the medical bay."
"When it had you?" Ianto asked, and Jack nodded. "That wasn't me. Whatever I said or did, that wasn't me."
"I know. What about you? What happened just now?" Jack asked after a slight hesitation. "Another death? Because that wasn't me either."
"I know," Ianto replied, his voice quiet. "But you didn't try to kill me this time. You left." There was almost no hesitation in admitting the nature of the vision this time. It was as if after all they'd been through that week there was no reason to hold back and hide it anymore. "You ran away. From everything, everyone—from Torchwood, from Earth."
"I'm not leaving," Jack replied. "I promise."
"Jack," Ianto sighed. "I know you're not going to leave right now, but don't make promises you can't keep in the future. We all know you're not from this planet, this time. There's nothing keeping you here now that you've found your Doctor and had your answers. It could be next year, it could be next week."
Jack was hurt. He hadn't realized Ianto had so little faith in him. But then, this was what the other Ianto, the dream one, had admitted and revealed. He wasn't scared of actually being killed by Jack, he was scared of being hurt. And Jack knew how much being left behind could hurt.
"Is that what you're so afraid of?" Jack asked. "That I'm going to hurt you and leave?" Ianto did not answer, and Jack sighed, pulling him tighter. "I'm not making promises I can't keep. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to leave you."
When Ianto still did not reply, Jack continued. "Ianto, when I was—"
"Stop," Ianto said abruptly, pulling away. He gingerly sat up, distancing himself from Jack. He felt it acutely, the loss of contact and comfort when he needed it most. "I thought we told Owen we didn't need to know the grim details."
"I want to help, though," Jack replied, sitting up as well. "To make sure you—"
"That I what?" asked Ianto. "I don't need your help, Jack. It's something I have to deal with on my own."
"But you don't have to!" Jack exclaimed, trying to catch his eye and failing. "You can talk to me. You can—"
"Don't be a hypocrite," Ianto said, though there was no bitter rancor to his tone. "You can't expect me to share everything, accept your support, when you offer nothing, accept nothing in return. It's…well, it's unfair."
"Oh." Jack breathed out, feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut.
"And I get it, I do," Ianto continued, either ignoring or not seeing Jack's reaction. "I don't like sharing either, talking about these sorts of things. I hate how…how exposed I feel right now, how vulnerable now that you know even this much about me and what's going on inside my head. I know why you like keeping your secrets, because I do too. It's safer that way."
Ianto had seen through everything about him, and acknowledged he felt the same. Jack felt a sense of wonder and affection, that this man had bravely admitted so much, as well as guilt and dismay, that Ianto was so willing to accept it, bury it, and move on. He deserved better. Maybe that was why Jack had left in Ianto's waking nightmare. To give Ianto a chance at a better, happier life. Perhaps even a normal life away from Torchwood, and certainly away from him. Jack wondered if deep down Ianto wanted Jack to leave.
"It's probably safer if you do," Ianto said, breaking Jack's train of thought. "Leave, that is." He didn't sound upset at all, but almost nonchalant about it. Jack felt his heart clench. "I know you think about it. You have no obligation to me, you know. And as you being here and me being in your bed has almost got me killed several times, it might be better for us all if you left."
"I said I'm not leaving!" Jack exclaimed. "Stop trying to get me to leave. That's not the answer."
"Why not?" Ianto asked, a bitter grin twisting his face. "You don't love me, and we both know you'd never say it even if you did. Besides, you killed my girlfriend. You tried to kill me, Jack. Why are you still here, with me? There's nothing for you here, not anymore!"
"No," said Jack, shaking his head and refusing to believe Ianto's words. "I'm not leaving earth, and I'm not leaving Torchwood."
"You might as well," said Ianto. "Before one of us uses you again, breaks your heart. Go, before it's too late."
"I'm not leaving you!" Jack heard the desperation in his voice. "Why don't you believe me?"
"Why should I believe you, Jack?" he asked. "After all you've said and done, what faith do I have that anything you say is real? The truth?"
The truth. Jack swore and jumped out of bed as he realized what was happening. He was trapped in his own waking nightmare again. But how to break the vision, without killing himself as he had in the medical bay?
"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real," he chanted to himself over and over. He heard Ianto, laughing at him from the bed, and slumped down into the corner, burying his head in his hands to drown out the sound. He repeated his mantra, pinched himself, did everything he could think of to break out of it. Finally he stood up and roared his defiance to the room. "I'm not leaving you! Not until you leave me first!"
Collapsing back onto the floor, he hugged his knees to his chest until he felt gentle hands turn his face up, strong arms enfolding him. Ianto kneeled before him, and Jack held onto him, willing himself not to cry.
"I hate this," he whispered.
"I hate it too," said Ianto, his voice shaky. "I don't want you to leave."
"You heard that?" Jack asked. "I said that out loud, for real?"
Ianto nodded, his face tucked against Jack's. "You went out right after I said something about keeping our own secrets. Silent, distant, blank—until you jumped up and started shouting. At least it's getting more obvious."
"I don't want to leave," Jack said. "I came back for you. Please believe me."
"I'm trying," said Ianto. "It's hard sometimes, though."
"If I can believe in you, you can believe in me!" Jack exclaimed. "I know you're not going to use me and betray me. Just like I'm not going to leave you and hurt you."
Ianto pulled back a little to gaze into Jack's eyes. "Is that your fear? That I'm going to betray you again?"
Jack couldn't bear the look on Ianto's face and buried his face in Ianto's neck. Ianto stroked his back, and they were quiet. Jack understood exactly what Ianto had meant by feeling vulnerable and exposed; he did not feel any better with Ianto knowing his deepest fears.
"I'm not going to betray you," Ianto began, speaking softly by his ear. "I could never do that, not to you. And not because we're sleeping together, but because I know you, Jack. I know you don't deserve it, and I have no reason to use you or betray you." He took a deep breath before continuing. "And because I care about you, which I think is why I am so scared of being hurt by…by this, whatever it is. Why I hate the thought of you leaving some day. I would never do anything to risk that."
Jack didn't know what to say, how to respond. Ianto had laid bare his soul and Jack's throat felt like it was sewn shut, the words stuck fast. He was sure nothing would come out, but his mind was racing, and he had to try.
"I'm not going to leave," Jack said. "I…I care about you too…I like this, whatever it is…and I'm not going to hurt you like that, by leaving. Only it's hard sometimes, because I wonder…well, I wonder why you're with me, if you wouldn't be better off without this. Safer. Happier."
"My life will never be safe," Ianto replied dryly. "And I wouldn't be happier if you left, not now."
"You don't know that," Jack whispered. "You deserve more."
"So do you," said Ianto. "You deserve to be happy, to live a life that isn't filled with constant loss and sorrow. It's not about what we deserve, but what we have. And I want what I have right now. I like it. I don't need anything else."
"I don't know," Jack said with a nervous laugh. "A nice house on the water, a boat, a dog…maybe a few kids running around … might be nice."
Ianto pulled back and looked at him in shock. "What?"
"Shit," said Jack, wide-eyed as he realized what he'd said and how it might be interpreted. "I'm just thinking out loud. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to sound like—"
Ianto pulled him close and kissed him. "It's fine. At least now I know that deep down there's a normal bloke in there, and not the galactic playboy everyone else sees. But don't…don't propose or anything, all right? Not anytime soon."
Jack laughed, relieved that the awkward slip hadn't spiraled into disaster. "Deal. I will never say anything even remotely sentimental about the future, on pain of—"
"—of no more sex," Ianto finished. He raised an eyebrow. "Are we done? Can we never do that again?"
"Absolutely," Jack agreed with a laugh. "Now how are we going to stop this alien from playing on all that to get us to do something we don't want to do?"
Ianto became thoughtful, and for a moment Jack thought maybe he'd lost him to another nightmare again, only Ianto squeezed his hand when he saw Jack's look of concern. "Still here, just thinking."
"I have no idea how to fight this thing," Jack admitted. "This is not something I've seen, and I've seen a lot."
"I think we need to destroy it," Ianto replied. "Destroy the cube." Jack raised an eyebrow.
"You know Gwen would have something to say about that," he said.
"And I'd point out that it has attacked us multiple times," Ianto replied. "The problem is, if we destroy the cube, how do we know if we've really destroyed the Xrillian?"
"We don't," said Jack.
"Lure it out?" Ianto suggested. "Try to talk first?"
Jack looked skeptical. "I liked your first idea better."
"Me too, but maybe Gwen can talk it to death."
Jack laughed through his nose, too emotionally exhausted for more. "She probably could. All right, how do we force it out?"
Ianto nodded. "I have an idea. Throw on some clothes and let's finish this upstairs."
Jack felt a rush of pride and kissed him soundly. "As long as we can finish it downstairs later."
Ianto rolled his eyes. "That was a terrible line. And I was stabbed earlier, you know. I'm not feeling up to much right now except stopping this thing."
"I'll do all the work," Jack winked as he stood and began pulling on clean clothes. Ianto watched silently, until Jack slipped his braces on and offered his hand, helping Ianto stand.
"Thank you," he said softly. "For staying with me."
Ianto nodded again and made his way up the ladder, surprisingly still in Jack's casual clothes and moving gingerly. Jack followed, a renewed hope filling him. They would defeat this thing. There was no way he was going to let it ruin his relationship with Ianto.
Author's Note:
Getting there! I'm hoping to wrap things up in two more chapters, but I've caught up to myself now, and with guests this past weekend I'm somewhat behind. I hope to update by the end of the week, however, and hope you continue to enjoy the story! Thank you for reading!
