A/N: I'm sorry for the delay in this fic. Life intervened this past week. Thank you for the reviews, including from the guests! I love you all.
TW for…I'm not even sure really. Heartbrokenness? No smut this chapter. They insisted on having a serious conversation instead.
August 2016
Poppy wriggled in her grandmother's arms. Putting a hand on her shoulder, she accidently pulled the older woman's white hair.
"Ouch!" Margaret Bates whispered. She reached up and grabbed Poppy's hand firmly. "Love, maybe you would be able to better see what's going on if your Nana held you." She exchanged a quick glance with Elsie, who nodded.
"Come here, petal," she whispered, mindful of the people around her and of Reverend Travis, who had just started the rite of baptism. She hoisted Poppy onto her hip and pointed. "Can you see Sebastian now?"
The little girl broke into a grin and nodded. "I want to see him," she said, heedless of her volume. "Is he okay?" she swung her head around to point at her infant brother, who was awake in Anna's arms.
"Shhh, yes," Elsie tried to keep her voice low. "He's just watching Reverend Travis right now."
She kept on whispering to Poppy as the ceremony went on, explaining what the participants were doing. Anna and John stood holding the baby; Charles and Mary were on the other side of the font, answering the questions for their godson, who waved his arms.
Elsie glanced at Joe Molesley, who stood quietly by Reverend Travis, holding the hymnal for her. She was very glad the kind-hearted man was finally going to have his day with Phyllis. Just a few more weeks.
Margaret held up her phone, taking a video. Both women smiled when Sebastian yowled.
"She's putting water on his head!" Poppy exclaimed as the pastor held her brother gently. "Why?"
"It means he belongs to God," Elsie said, hoisting her goddaughter up again. Poppy seemed satisfied with the answer and watched the rest of the ceremony with wide eyes.
After the service, the family stayed in the sanctuary. Charles was kept busy with Thomas, taking pictures as well as appearing in some of them. Elsie drifted to the back of the huge room, where Joe was stacking discarded bulletins.
"You don't have to do that," she said, picking up a few scattered on the floor. He grinned and shrugged.
"Oh, I don't mind. I just like to help out where I can."
"Are you getting excited?" she asked. "Your big day is coming soon." She couldn't help but smile at the look on his face.
"Honestly, I can't wait," he said, almost bouncing on his toes. "All the main details are done. Dad's been in heaven, planning the floral arrangements. That was one thing Phil and I were happy to leave to him."
"With good reason," Elsie laughed. "I loved the bouquet he made for me."
"It was lovely," Joe agreed. "Did you save it?"
"I did," she confessed. "The flowers were dried and I keep them in a vase at home. Of course, they're not the same as they were on our wedding day, but it's the memory that matters-"
"Elsie!" Anna called. "You're needed here! Front and center!"
"I think you're being summoned," Joe unsuccessfully stifled a laugh. Elsie grinned and hurried up the aisle.
"We wanted a picture with all of us, together," Anna explained. John held Poppy, while his mother held Sebastian. Mary, Matthew, and George grouped around them. Charles stood slightly to one side. He slid an arm around Elsie when she joined him.
"There's my lovely bride," he whispered in her ear. She blushed, wondering how he still managed to make her feel like a lovesick schoolgirl.
She wouldn't have it any other way.
They posed while Thomas snapped several shots. She went to leave when they were done, but Charles kept hold of her hand. "Not so fast," he said. "John and Anna want one of us with the children. They're our godchildren, after all."
"Right," Elsie murmured. She scooped up Poppy again. "Och, lass, you're getting too big for me to pick you up!" Beside her, Margaret handed Sebastian over to Charles.
"Just a couple more," Thomas said. "Here, Poppy! This way! Just one more smile, nice and big!" John stood slightly behind Thomas, a half-smile on his face as he gave the younger man rabbit ears. Poppy laughed. Her brother was fretting, and began to emit noise that was in total contrast to his size.
"Don't worry, Mr. Carson," Anna called, bouncing on her toes next to Thomas. "He's just hungry, I need to feed him." Charles quickly extended his pinky finger, which Sebastian latched onto. For a few seconds, the sanctuary was fairly quiet.
Elsie's heart twinged. She ignored it as their picture was taken. After Thomas said they were done, they all trooped into the reception hall for lunch.
An hour later, Elsie stacked the dirty plates in the kitchen, thanking the people who had made them their meal. Charles sat at their table talking to Mary, his jacket off. Poppy was looking at a book with her father, while Margaret sat next to them. Matthew and Thomas had taken George outside to play catch. Elsie sank into a chair next to Anna.
"Would you like to hold him? He's nearly asleep, and I'd like to finish my lunch. If you don't want to hold him, I can put him in his car-seat," Anna tucked a bright strand of hair behind her ear.
"Of course I want to hold him! I don't get the chance very often when his godfather is around," Elsie took Sebastian from his mother, smiling at his contended sigh. "It's a miracle – once he's fed and dry, there's nothing more he likes than sleep."
"I wish he'd let me sleep more," Anna said, digging into the rest of her casserole. "I know things get better after a certain point, but he keeps growing! Which means he eats. All. The. Time," She shook her head, stabbing a noodle with her fork.
"Wasn't Poppy like that?" Elsie hummed under her breath. She ran her finger lightly over Sebastian's forehead.
"For a little while, but she went through growth spurts with breaks in between," Anna said. Sighing, she swallowed another bite. "I'm just worried that after I return to work next week, the transition is going to be horrible. Poppy has been wonderful, but she has had her moments when John and I know she just wants attention."
"Try not to worry," Elsie advised gently. "You can't control certain things, least of all children. And," her eyes twinkled, "If you're having a rough day, and you need to leave early, I'm certain the office manager will understand."
"Thanks," Anna managed a wan smile. "But I don't want to be a burden, or take advantage-"
"Stop," Elsie said firmly. "You would never be a burden, and you are the last person to take advantage of my good will. Both Beryl and Phyllis have already said they're willing to help you out if you need it. We all know this part of your life won't last forever." She reached out and touched the younger woman's shoulder.
"Thank you," Anna's eyes shimmered. She took a shaky breath and laughed quietly. "I know you and Mary don't always see eye to eye, but she said almost the exact same thing you did."
Elsie laughed. "Well, I always knew we agreed on something. Other than our mutual fondness for Mr. Carson, of course," she smiled across the room at her husband. He sensed her looking, and smiled back, waving his fingers.
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"It's been something of a rough transition, more difficult than I thought it would be," Mary sighed, tapping the table. "I suppose I got used to doing things on my own while Matthew was away. And George has been extra clingy as well. He doesn't like for his father to leave his sight. He nearly had a meltdown last week when we dropped him off at daycare!"
Charles turned back from waving at Elsie. "Once some time has gone by, he'll settle down. I expect he's worried Matthew will leave again. Children don't always understand about such things."
"I'm sure," Mary agreed. "If that were the only issue, I'd be coping better. But Matthew's been driving me bananas as well. Every little thing, he wants to do for me, like he doesn't think I'm capable – 'I'll go to the store, darling, let me handle it', 'Why didn't you tell me about the engine light in the car? You shouldn't have to bother with it', and on and on." She huffed out a frustrated sigh.
"I think," Charles said carefully, knowing his goddaughter's unpredictable temper, "He doesn't want you to feel as though you have to do everything. It isn't that he thinks you're incapable of running things. Quite the contrary, he told me you were brilliant while he was serving overseas." He scratched his head. "It's just now that he's home again, he wants to share the burden with you."
Mary rested her hand against her cheek. "I know you're probably right…but I've been awful to him for the last two weeks." She raised an eyebrow. "It would feel rather degrading to have to crawl back to him and admit I was wrong."
Smiling, Charles played with his ring. "Better to admit you're wrong now than continue on and have to hear him say you've been wrong. The sooner you apologize and get it over with, the sooner things will become much more pleasant between the two of you."
An impish gleam appeared in her eyes. "I'm sure you wouldn't know that from personal experience, Carson."
"I don't have the slightest idea what you mean," he teased. "Really, it's much better when you and your partner in life are in agreement."
"That's what Anna said, or something near enough to it," she said. "But she and John have to be in agreement. They have a small child and an infant! If they were in the middle of a war (not that they've ever argued like Matthew and I), everything would fall to pieces."
"All the more reason for you and Matthew to get on the same side again," Charles said. "Soon enough, you'll have a second child, and you'll need to work together-what?" A faint blush appeared on Mary's face. She looked down at the table.
"Oh God," he said quietly, leaning forward, "Mary, you're not-are you pregnant?"
She laughed, her pale face flushed. "Of all people to figure it out first, I would have guessed Mama, not you. I only just found out last week. Yes," she nodded. "We've told no one yet, not Papa or Isobel. Certainly not Granny. I think both Tom and Edith are suspicious, but neither of them have said anything."
His heart skipped and he put his hand on hers. "Congratulations! I'm delighted for you! What did Matthew say?"
She wiped a tear out of the corner of her eye. "Well, once he got over the shock, he was thrilled. He said he doesn't care what the baby is, but I know he wants a daughter."
"Don't you?"
Shrugging, she shook her head. "I don't think so. I think George would love a brother. And I'm not sure how I would react to another girl in the family."
Charles suppressed a snort. "Mary, Mary, quite contrary…I think you would enjoy a daughter."
"We'll see," she said, giving him a sideways grin.
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Pepper nuzzled his leg as he sat up against the headboard. "Hullo, sweetheart, do you want to climb on Daddy's lap?" He scooped her onto his lap, setting his book on the small dresser. "There's my sweet girl." He scratched her behind her ears.
"Were you really that surprised?" Elsie called from the bathroom. He could see her in the reflection of the mirror, brushing her hair. "About Mary? It's not to me, at least."
"Not that much," he admitted. "Just about the speed of it. Matthew's only been back since June."
She smirked and tapped her toothbrush against the sink. "It only takes one time."
"I know that," he said, feeling his face grow warm. "But I know it took them a while to have George. She hasn't even been to the doctor yet to get an estimate on the due date." He stroked Pepper's back slowly.
"Well," she said, her voice garbled as she brushed her teeth, "Once she does have a due date, everyone will know. We all can count backwards nine months." She spat out toothpaste and rinsed with water. "It may be they had more fun the night of Matthew's homecoming party than they let on."
He groaned aloud. "Could you please not speculate about it? She's my goddaughter, for heavens' sake!"
Laughing, Elsie exited the bathroom and slid onto the bed. "Don't tell me you didn't notice them that night, their hands all over each other. When did you become so prudish? I thought marriage had changed you," her eyes twinkled. She gestured to Pepper, and their puppy left Charles's lap and went to her for a cuddle.
"It did!" he insisted. "But I don't like to think of Mary that way, even though she and Matthew are married. And for that matter, that night at Pedro's my attention was almost entirely occupied by a ravishing beauty sitting at the bar."
"Oh really, Mr. Carson?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Who was that?"
"Some woman with a curmudgeon of a husband," he replied, leaning over and kissing her on the cheek.
"Hmph," she murmured, reaching up and brushing her fingers on the side of his face. Kissing her again, he grinned when Pepper growled.
"Poor baby," he petted her, chuckling. "It's really Mummy's fault. First, for insisting we bring your bed in here, and second for tempting Daddy to kiss her again!"
"Oh, I see," Elsie rolled her eyes. "Blame me because she's jealous!" She playfully pushed his face away.
He laughed, clapping his hands so Pepper returned to him. "You know it's your fault. I knew you would cave in first, having her in here!"
"You'll never let me forget it, will you?" She shook her head, smiling.
Grabbing his book again, he fiddled with his glasses. "Probably not. If it makes you feel better, I would have brought her in here if you hadn't insisted on it. You were just ahead of me by a week or so." Pepper rubbed against his belly making him laugh again. "Careful, love, I'm ticklish. Els, do you mind if I read awhile longer? I'd like to finish the chapter."
"Go ahead," she replied. "I'm not tired yet." She put on her own glasses.
They spent a companionable silence for another half an hour. He, absorbed in his biography of Field Marshal Montgomery; she, intent first on a spreadsheet on her laptop, then on her phone. After he finished reading, he played with Pepper, grabbing her front paws and pretending to help her clap.
"Oh!" Elsie gasped suddenly, laughing. He jumped. "Thomas posted pictures on Facebook. Would you like to see?" She scooted over, giving him her phone.
"Go to your bed," he told the dog gently. Pepper leaped off of the big bed and to the corner where her bed was nestled.
"Not bad," he commented drily. He scrolled through the pictures while Elsie got up to turn off the overhead light. "Not bad at all." He lingered on one picture in particular, the one of him and Elsie with Poppy and Sebastian.
When Elsie returned to bed, he had laid down on his side facing away from her. She picked up her phone and plugged it in.
"Tired already?" she teased. She touched his shoulder, running her hand down his arm. She was surprised and a little hurt when he rolled over more, out of her reach. "What is it, Charles?"
"Just tired," he mumbled. He didn't want to upset her. I'm being silly.
"Oh," she said, laying down to face his back. She knew quite well something was bothering him. I hope he tells me without me having to ask.
There was silence for a few minutes while she debated over whether she should switch off the lamp or to give in and ask him directly. From his breathing, she knew he wasn't asleep yet.
He wondered if he should tell her what was on his mind. The last thing I want is for her to feel like it's her fault. At any rate, I shouldn't be thinking about this. It won't change anything.
His chest felt tight, and he thought he might cry. That more than anything else convinced him to try to talk. Even if he wasn't sure what to say.
As well as being his wife, she was his best friend. He could tell her anything. He cleared his throat, and turned over onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
"You said once," he began, "that you weren't used to feeling broken." He swallowed. "Neither am I."
She closed her eyes briefly, feeling as if the moment had just happened. The first time we shared a drink at Pedro's. Martin had just left me…
She wrapped her arms around herself. "What…what makes you say that?"
He shifted position, reaching up to pull on his silver hair. "I know we've talked about not having regrets, being happy with what we have." He turned to look at her, a real smile on his face. She gave him an uncertain smile back. "And I am happy. Truly." His eyes were sad. "But sometimes I do have regrets. I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" she whispered, reaching for his hand. He took it, turning onto his side. Sighing, he closed his eyes.
"For having regrets. Because I never want to hurt you, or to make you feel I'm unhappy with our life now."
"Charles…" she squeezed his hand, running her finger over his ring. "It's perfectly normal to have regrets. You would hardly be human if you were content with every decision you've ever made."
"I know." He slid his fingers through hers, drawing strength from her grip. Turning his face slightly into the pillow, his breath stuttered. "Looking at the picture of us with the children made me think about what might have been. I know it's wrong, but I couldn't help it."
Her heart sank, but she wasn't entirely surprised. "'What might have been'?"
"If I had had more courage, and thought less about work when I was younger," he said softly. "If I had seen the gift that was you years ago…maybe our lives would be different."
"You said at our wedding that you were a different man when we met," she reminded him, repressing her own tears. "Love, you shouldn't do this to yourself. What was meant to be is what happened."
He continued on, afraid that if he didn't, he would never say what he meant. "It's not just that…I can't help but wonder if…what would it have been like if we married sooner. We might have had children." He cursed himself at the look on his face. "I know…it's impossible. You see?" he asked, pleadingly. "This is why I didn't want to tell you, I've hurt you-"
"No," she said, hating when her voice broke. "You haven't, I promise. It's just…" she bit her lip. Suddenly, she turned over, unable to look at him. "I saw you earlier with Sebastian, how you comforted him," she whispered, feeling a tear slide down her nose. She sniffed. "And that moment, I wished you had found someone earlier, and had children. You would have been a good father."
"Elsie," he said, touching her shoulder. He slid over and wrapped his arms around her, holding her against him. "But that's the point. There's no one I ever wanted to have children with. Except you." His body shuddered, and he left out a sob before controlling himself again. He kissed the top of her head.
Tears flowed down her face. "I didn't want children for most of my life," she whispered. "I was content with the way things were. When Martin broke off our relationship years ago, it hurt mostly because he made me feel inadequate."
"You're not," he said, rubbing her back.
"I know," she wiped her face even as more tears fell. "And neither are you." She turned around in his arms, resting her head against his chest. "I know it would have been impossible anyway, but…when I realized I loved you, it was the first time I wanted children. And I was sorry I couldn't give you that. Our own children." She tried to dry her face on the sheet. "You were right. We…I shouldn't have regrets either. I am happy with our life now, happier than I ever imagined I would be," she tried to smile. "It doesn't make sense to grieve something that we never had."
He ran a finger through her hair. "I think it's right that we grieve, even if we only grieve the loss of a dream. It's still a loss." He touched her forehead lightly with his own, his voice wobbling. "I heard someone say once that 'grief is the price we pay for love'."*
Breaking down, he held her close as they cried together.
Elsie was unaware of much beyond Charles's tears. She stroked his face, trying to comfort him. He rubbed at the lines streaking her face and embraced her tightly, his heart breaking at her sadness.
After several minutes, they were aware of another sound in the room. Pepper whimpered low, a soft cry as if she was weeping along with them.
"Oh lass," Elsie said, sitting up, her eyes red. She gestured to her. "Come here." Pepper scampered around the bed, and Charles scooped her up, setting her between them.
"Well," Charles whispered, brushing the puppy's furry head with a kiss, "Thank God we have you." Elsie gave a watery laugh and turned out the lamp.
"That we do," she agreed quietly, her hand on Pepper, with Charles's over hers. The three of them fell asleep soon after.
They never spoke of it openly again. Sometimes they exchanged knowing glances, or simply held hands when either felt the familiar pain. They took great solace in their godchildren, as well as the other children who populated their lives. Their home was a haven for those whom Elsie lovingly referred to as their 'spirit-children'.
And Pepper, of course. She brought them joy for many years.
A/N: I'm soooooorry. The quote is from Queen Elizabeth II, spoken after 9/11.
You will never convince me dogs (and other animals) don't know when their humans are sad.
