The Legend of Abacus Man

Chapter 2 The Beginning of the Plot

"Gesticulating, gessssticulating, gesTiculating, it sounds like a sexual thing right, like 'Oh yeah baby gesticulate all over me,'" said Yu. "Can you please stop talking about this," said Abacus Man while dodging another screaming jumper, "You have talked about the word gesticulate through the entire incredibly long climb up the mountain, please be quiet."

Abacus man had finally made it to wudan mountain. He had dreamed of this moment for years. This was the center of knowledge in this fictional version of China in 1779. As he entered the temple Abacus Man saw a whole assortment of philosophers and mathematicians. He had an overwhelming feeling of relief even though he had seen 18 people die on the way up here and was now stuck with one of them. This feeling of relief only lasted about 2 seconds before the inciting incident happened.

"Hey, that guy has that black destiny abacus we've been looking for." said a nameless character who will have no more relevance to the story. "Wow, how unpredictable," said Yu sarcastically, "I never would have guessed that the main protagonist had the mystical abacus the people here were looking for." Abacus man then darted off and tried to out run the swarm of old, dying men chasing him, but they were catching up. One actually managed to grab Abacus man's clothing before dying of a heart attack. Yu then said, "Why are you running away, they're just old men and that abacus was able to take a hit from the green destiny sword and stay intact." "Hey wait a minute," said Abacus Man, "you're that bitch that nearly cut my thought open and knocked me unconscious." "Hey, I treated everyone else the same way so it's fine," Yu said. "No, it isn't, you're lucky I can still think. Brain damage can have serious repercussions even if it is not that bad." "Yea, yea keep whining." said Yu

Abacus Man ran and ran as hard as he could until he could run no more. The old philosophers easily trapped him against a six foot wall next to the edge of the temple after that quarter mile run and left him with only two choices, give them the abacus or jump off. "Okay, you win take it." said Abacus Man. WHAT? "I have no other choice but give them the Abacus or jump off to certain death." Abacus Man said. So jump off. "What? No I'll die." Abacus Man said. "You won't die," said Yu, "you're the main protagonist and we're two chapters in to this shitty fanfiction."

Abacus Man then valiantly jumped over the wall– "What? No." Yes. "No I'm not suicidal." said Abacus Man. Well fuck you this is my fanfiction and you have to. "You do realize that, you are the one stopping him from jumping off right?" Jen Yu said. What do you mean? "You're the one writing our dialogue, in fact we don't even exist. The closest thing to 'us' is characters representing sounds arranged in ways that represent objects, actions, or descriptions meant to be spoken language." said Jen Yu.

"I'm still not jumping off" said Abacus Man.

Jen Yu then said, "You could have him comically fall off the side of the cliff like most cowardly protagonists do when next to a cliff and an ." Ok sure, Abacus Man then comically accidentally stepped backwards and fell off the mountain despite the fact that there was a six foot wall behind him. "What? Noooooooooo." said Abacus Man as he fell. Oh, sure that worked. Well I guess I need to actually start listening to women. Eh? Get it? "Was that supposed to be funny?" said Yu, "Because it wasn't, it was horrible, like that 'be quiet or I'll kill you' joke. Wait, was that even a joke, or did you legitimately forget that I had died? Hello? Oh great this chapter's meta moment is over. This was even worse than the last one you bastard. Respond to me dammit! The writing is garbage!

Where are the other characters from the movie?

All of Abacus Man's dialogue is just 'what no.'

You changed my character too much!

The last fanfiction for Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was made in like 2004, why are you writing this in 2016?

Pointing out your problems doesn't fix them!"

"Damn, I thought that would trigger him like a feminist in Saudi Arabia."

"I wonder what that Abacus guy is doing."

Abacus man was falling from a great height off of Wudan Mountain. He fell and fell until he hit the ground. But since he landed on his abacus he was able to survive and then began riding down the mountain on his abacus like a snowboard. "Wow, that physics is bad even by Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon standards." Yu said. Are you just going to point out problems in this story or shut up. "I'll be quiet." Yu said reluctantly. Yu then said, "So, why are you such a horrible fighter?" "What are you talking about, I'm a great fighter." replied Abacus Man. Yu then said, "Oh, yes the great Abacus Man who runs away from dying old men with no weapons." Abacus Man replied, "Oh well I think I did a pretty good job against the Mary Sue with some mystical ancient sword." "I'm not a Mary Sue." said Jen Yu. "Ok well you're better than prior established characters, your 'the chosen one,' you have–" Just then, the old men from earlier came down the mountain riding their abacuses in a similar fashion to what Abacus Man was doing.

"What the hell are you on, writer, whoever you are, please stop." said Jen Yu. I assure you I am not on any dregs watso ver. "I'm not talking about, whatever you're on, I'm talking about this fanfiction, please stop writing this, nothing makes sense, the writing is shit, and I'm pretty sure we jumped the shark before this even started. I mean there are 20ish other Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon fanfictions. Why?" Because I can and I will. Also I just wanted to start with something that would be permanently lost to the test of time so I'm just going to skip to the end of the chapter.

Abacus Man, after mowing down many, many civilians crashed and fell off of his abacus with no serious injuries. "Alright," said the Philosophers "just hand over the–

"TAKEITJUSTPLEASEDONTHURTME" whined Abacus Man pitifully throwing his abacus at them. The Philosophers who often get cut off then replied again in creepy unison "Oh wow, that was really easy–" before then getting cut off again, literally. As a new mysterious woman came out and killed them all with a katana. Yu then said "Where did she come from? And–" "Oh, I can explain." said the passing monk from the previous chapter. "She is a descendent from an old Japanese soldier from an invasion and is currently being possessed by her ancestor. Ghosts can do that, also, when they fight together like that, they're called phantom warriors. Also I'm the guy who explains things whenever convenient. Bye!" said the monk.

"Yeah, he's creepy," said the mysterious woman, "and expect to see more of him."