It was definitely selfish to have grabbed his arm the way he did when he was clearly occupied with other things, but the second the panicky words left his mouth and he was received with an understanding expression he knew it hadn't been a mistake. "Where's Mizuki? Is he okay? Is he safe? I don't know what happened after he told us to run."
"He's good, he's recovering round the back. Go look after the others."
"Right," he nodded then, Kou squeezing his shoulder and eyes a little wet even if neither of them mentioned it, following after the stretcher his leader lay on and trotting to keep up with those carefully carrying it over the barren ground. He just hoped they'd reach the hospital in time to fix whatever was wrong with him, mouth foaming and eyes rolled back into his head so horrifyingly Tio had a little been afraid of him, hair red at the tips and clothes almost torn off his bulging skin.
"He okay?"
He didn't recognise the voice, it was rather hoarse and weak but he turned anyway, expecting it to be another team member enquiring after either leader and not minding being the one to fill people in, with Kou, Koujaku and Mizuki gone, he was the most authoritative person left. But he turned to meet a broad neck, knowing who it was purely based on his height and stepping back to take him in for all of three seconds before relief had flooded him and he'd hugged him, ignoring the blood on his face for now and the pale pallor of his skin.
"Kin! Oh fuck, I was worried about you! I saw you go down then you disappeared somewhere and nobody could tell me where you were! You fucking asshole!" He would have hit him for scaring him so much if he hadn't clearly been injured somehow, just accepting the hand that patted his shoulder rather weakly, surprised at his lack of enthusiasm til he spoke.
"Glad you were so worried. But um, I'm pretty sure I have broken ribs, so…" he got the unspoken hint immediately, letting go and seeing the pained expression on his face lessen somewhat, thinking that being squeezed so tightly must have been worthy of more than a softly worded complaint.
"Oh shit, fuck, sorry! Look, sit down here, you're bleeding," he helped him ease down onto a small stack of old tyres, losing much of his intimidating height and allowing Tio to fuss over him with a small smile that only made his deeply split lip bleed more.
He didn't speak for a moment, just letting Tio dab at his lip with a questionably clean tissue, frown making a crease appear between his brows and staring at it a little intensely if only to avoid meeting his eye and making him uncomfortable. But when he spoke his voice came out so warm he needn't have hidden how pleased he was to monopolise his attention like this, trying to sound casual and wondering if he'd get the response he wanted, "you know, other people are hurt worse."
"Yeah, and they're being taken care of, let me look after you for once."
He couldn't help but smile then, feeling wonky on his face and stupidly wide, wincing as Tio whacked his head, lip reopening and blood so much colder than the fingers on his face, sliding down his chin to drip onto his shirt.
They'd straggled back to headquarters without being told to, Tio glancing over every new arrival to check for injuries that had been neglected and to make sure everybody was accounted for, waiting ten minutes for any who might have had to slowly limp there before he sighed in relief and began to speak, voice weak with tiredness.
"Okay, I'm pretty sure everybody who can be here is. So… That's good. Oh, um, Mizuki's fine, he's just… You know, um, shaken? I guess. But nobody has any life threatening injuries so we've come out of this alright, pretty much, anyway. Koujaku," his words failed him, because they'd all seen him have a meltdown, go entirely insane and foam at the mouth, pass out and scream like he was being torn apart and his stomach rolled queasily as he remembered. "He's, well we don't know what's wrong with him, but he's at the hospital so hopefully they'll figure out what's going on and he'll be okay. The rest of his team are there too, the doctors said they think it's some drug thing, like they were all tricked into taking something that made them act the way they were. They'll stay til they're better, but otherwise they've all just got minor injuries too."
A few people nodded, looking relieved, holding makeshift bandages to noses and fists with torn open knuckles, a couple leaning on each other and one with a swollen ankle propped up on another chair, eyes tired with more than just physical exertion. "So I mean, I think that's all I can say, really. Unless anybody wants to say something?"
Tetsuya spoke up then, an incredibly rare occurrence for the shyest member of their team, losing confidence as he continued and tone a little self-derogatory as he let his words tail off, looking pale with a long graze down one cheek. "Yeah, um, I was talking to a couple guys, and um, we kinda feel nervous, about like going home or whatever. Kinda doesn't feel safe now. I know that's dumb."
Sympathy flooded him immediately and he made a soft noise in his throat because of course nobody felt safe now, a strong team, the second strongest on the island, had been kidnapped and brainwashed or drugged into submission without so much as the sign of a fight. It was the biggest threat they could ever face and Tio suddenly realised with his words that he didn't want to go home alone either, "okay, yeah, it-it's not dumb, that makes sense. I mean, we should stay on alert a while, until the Yazuka that did it get caught. Um, how many of you feel like that?" A few hands raised, some looking embarrassed and some actively nervous, hands almost shooting into the air as if trying to elaborate just how unnerved this whole experience had left them feeling.
"Alright, well if people want to apartment share or whatever, that seems like the best idea, if people have room. A couple people can crash at mine if they want. I- I have to admit, this shit is enough to make anybody not wanna be alone." He finished then and the group smiled in understanding, even those who hadn't seemed too worried about going back to their own places nodding as if they got why others would, working together quickly to offer beds for the night and some of them almost a little excited about the prospect since they were all rather too old for sleepovers. "So, that's it I suppose. Great work everyone, we really saved them, and hopefully that information broker of Mizuki's will be able to track down those Yakuza bastards soon."
There was nodding and conversation broke up, relieved and perhaps a little proud, some of them approaching with claps on the back or words of thanks, telling him to send Mizuki their well wishes and such. Some leaving almost immediately in small clusters or alone, wanting to get home to wives or partners, or in Jin's case, his dogs, Tio almost wishing Kou had returned with them instead of going to the hospital with Koujaku and the rest of his team, knowing a night with all Jin's dogs would lift his spirits enormously.
The sense of relief fell over them heavily and when almost everyone had gone, a few left to linger and express concern for the more injured of them, offering help to limp home and making mention of couches that would be empty for the night if anybody wanted to use them, Tio sat down heavily, rubbing at his eyes and feeling shattered.
He heard footsteps approach and he knew there must only be about five of them left, anticipating Kin before he even raised his head to see him, accepting his small smile of understanding and crossing his arms on the table, resting his head on them and facing the emptying bar.
"Your place is only small, right?"
He seemed a little puzzled at first, because he'd visited before so surely he knew how modestly sized it was, but he nodded anyway, knowing an explanation would come.
"Mm, pretty small yeah."
"Alright, wanna crash at mine? I think Kouhaku and Yuu will as well since their apartments are super tiny," he gestured to them with a lazy roll of his head, voice turning up a little to ensure they'd hear him and knowing they had as both men dropped their own conversation.
"Sure."
"Team sleepover, is it?" Yuu grinned, having walked over to them with a smile so wide you'd never have guessed the size of the gash up his calf, barely limping even though his eyes crinkled with pain at the corners, easing into a seat at the booth and Kouhaku regarding him protectively.
"Something like that," and of the whole group, only Kouhaku seemed to sense the hopelessness in his voice, dark eyes meeting his for too long and forcing him to look away, towards constellations of freckles that couldn't question him.
"I have a double futon, the couch and my bed. First come first served."
"Futon!" Kouhaku and Yuu yelled at the same time, looking amused but tired as Tio rolled his eyes and admitted defeat, Kin's mouth not even open and just looking entertained as they high fived and Yuu leaned heavily on Kouhaku's side, stood there in his borrowed shorts with his leg bandaged up and acting like nothing was wrong.
"I'll take the couch."
It was Tio's turn to frown there, looking from Kin to the couch and back, not even needing to consider it to know what a dumb offer it was, understanding he was being polite but aware how stupid it was to even consider he could sleep on his modest sized couch. "You're serious right now?"
"Yes?"
"You are six foot, the sofa'll break your back, take the damn bed you oversized tree," he'd describe his tone as brusque, and Kin just raised an eyebrow at the snappy essence to him, pondering whether his injuries had influenced his refusal to let him do the nice thing and take the couch.
"That's offensive." But he didn't sound very offended and he was doing that stupid messy grin again, hair damp from the showers they'd all taken, pushed off his forehead but not flopping about for once.
"And so is your face, now shut up and get in my bed."
"Well that's rather forward." Yuu remarked from where he had perched himself on the floor, waiting for his bed to be delivered to him from wherever it lived, seeming perfectly at home as he spread out and his smile turned cheeky, like a naughty teenagers.
"Could at least buy me dinner first," Kin had caught onto the teasing mood annoyingly fast and just grinned weakly, so as not to re-open his lip, as Tio turned an unimpressed look upon him, feigning disappointment that he'd made such a poor joke.
"I will break the rest of your ribs."
"Okay, okay, I'm going," he raised his hands in mock surrender, smile softening as he realised he'd be forced to his fate but not able to really object much since a bed would always be better than any couch. "Night, guys."
There were vague goodnights following him as he went, lingering a little awkwardly before he stepped over the threshold into the strange bedroom and the door closed behind him, Tio left to dig out his futon and improvise bedding for three, knowing the others wouldn't mind if it was only adequate.
An hour, maybe two later, and Tio gave up. Puffing out a light huff of annoyed air, sitting up from his couch and almost groaning aloud at the sudden throbbing pain in his lower back, grimacing as he stood and realised his only options were to not sleep, or to reclaim his bed.
Neither option was thrilling, but it was only his exhaustion that had him walking carefully into his bedroom, door left slightly ajar and hoping he wouldn't either object to sharing the space, or be annoyed at being woken.
But he spoke in a whisper and the dimly lit form on the bed turned slowly, head rising up as he heard his name, "Kin?"
"Mm?"
"My sofa's uncomfy as fuck." He didn't really need to explain why he was there, and Kin proved that a second later, being practical as ever.
"It's your bed, just get in," he even pulled back the covers for him, swiping them lazily over the free side of the bed and his own back broad and wide where it faced him, feeling very relieved he'd been considerate enough to sleep against the wall so he wouldn't have to climb over him. He seemed to be waiting impatiently for him to get in, shuffling over more as he conceded defeat and his spine twinged in pain at the very memory of his couch, clambering in next to him and settling his head down on soft pillows with nervous tension running through his whole body.
He knew it shouldn't feel awkward, because they were just friends and this was a matter of practicality, but he could feel discomfort thick in the air and had to think of something dumb to say to break the tension, "you know, this is like a sleepover."
He rolled over to regard him then, face almost hidden in darkness but his poor curtains just allowing enough light that he could make out his features, eyebrow raised and his mouth twitching into that half smile. "That's really gay."
"You're really gay."
"Hypocrite."
He went to reply, but his words broke off with a long, comfortable sort of yawn and it was silently accepted by both of them that they were to go to sleep now, wriggling a little and testing out their new spaces before closing eyes and letting the days weariness wash over them.
It couldn't have been much later when Tio woke up to an unfamiliar sound, taking a few moments for the reality of where he was to sink in, to roll over and realise it was Kin groaning as he adjusted himself beside him that had woken him.
His voice was thick with sleep when he spoke, almost more of a yawn than anything, rolling onto his side to regard him with half-closed eyes, "how're your ribs?"
"Mm, bit sore. Just bruised I think, they're probably not broken, I'll go to the hospital tomorrow to check."
"Good idea," he sighed then, blinking his eyes open properly and thinking about what might help, adjusting himself on his side and Kin's eyes regarding him, fully open despite the late hour. "Do you want some ice or painkillers or anything?"
"Nah, I'm good. But hey, you were worried about me today, huh?"
His voice was always so warm, a million degrees hotter than the air outside the duvet they shared, Tio pulling the covers up around his neck to try and trap in the warm air their bodies produced, not able to explain how relieved he'd felt to see him okay again after seeing him go down. "Of course I was, I mean, you're pretty much my best friend now."
"Hm, better not tell Mizuki I've taken his spot."
"I think he knows already," but suddenly he remembered seeing Kin fall, remembered not being able to do anything in that moment and his smile faded, voice growing nervous and fingers twining nervously into his sheets. "I dunno, you went down pretty hard and nobody had seen you come out. Kinda freaked me out a bit."
"It was scary, huh? The whole thing, I mean."
"Yeah, a bit." That was the thing with being in a big team of men, masculinity seemed to be a contest they all enjoyed participating in and sometimes it got a little ridiculous, they'd refuse to admit fear or anything else 'girly', but he guessed in quiet moments between friends the truth was likely to come out. "I'm just glad everyone was okay."
"Mm, me too. But we should get some sleep."
"Yeah. But um, I just wanted to say something. As much as I appreciated you… Protecting me, or whatever you wanna call it. Please don't do anything like that again." Tio didn't want to look at him after he'd said that, because it was a stupid thing to have said, he should have said thank you and left it at that and laid down and gone to bed and enjoyed how warm his bed was with another body nearby.
But Kin's voice was puzzled and he knew if he looked up he'd be scanning his face, searching for the truth he could always spot there, "because it freaked you out?"
"No, just… I don't know how to say it. It's stupid, risking yourself for me, I mean, I probably would have been fine. Don't get yourself hurt on my behalf."
"What if I'd rather get hurt than see you hurt? Do you think you're not worth protecting?" It wasn't a cushioned blow and it wasn't soft either, coming out almost annoyed at the mere idea, but then he supposed that made sense with the context of their friendship, hitting the nail on the head so easily it was unnerving.
"I didn't say that."
"Well fine, the next time somebody's about to kick you right in the face I'll just let them, shall I?"
"Are you, angry at me?" He didn't like the cold tone in his voice, it wasn't jokey the way it should be, it was hard and irritated and taken for granted and Tio regretted even going into his bedroom at all now, wishing he'd stayed on the couch to suffer.
"No." He wasn't good at confrontation, and really the more he thought about it, a Rib team was the last thing he should be involved in, but he spoke up anyway, nervously, knowing he'd be rebuked, because if he was lying to Kin, he had every right to lie back.
"You seem kinda angry."
"I'm fine, let's just go to bed."
He just lay there for a long moment, aware the other was making no effort to return to sleep, eyes still open and blinking absently, wondering if he was watching him and feeling guilt settle heavily on his gut when he shifted and his exhale was pained. "Kin?"
"Mm." His voice was soft again now, whatever he'd been feeling before, anger or not, having ebbed away and the warmth, the safety of this settling in, remembering that everything was over and there was no need for either to worry about the other.
"Thank you." Tio paused for a second then, weighing up what he was about to do and so aware it was stupid but wanting to do it anyway, to thank Kin the way he knew he'd want to be thanked even if he'd never voice it, just shifting closer.
He was rather nice to kiss, he supposed, his lips were quite thin but soft enough and he just tasted of toothpaste and some other familiar flavour he couldn't identify properly. Letting their lips overlap once and careful to miss the painful split, avoiding the tender middle of his mouth and just getting the outer edge.
Kin didn't reply, and Tio realised with a sinking feeling in his chest that he hadn't kissed back either, just lay there silently and let the touch happen, voice neutral but lowering towards the end, deeper than normal, as if he couldn't speak the words aloud. "You don't have to thank me. Especially not like that." His breath caught the tiniest amount, and if they weren't in the same bed Tio would certainly have missed it, "we're friends. You don't- You don't owe me anything for helping you, that's what friends do."
Silence reigned then, because there was this horrible weight in his mouth, sticking his tongue to the veiny base below his teeth and squashing his words as if in a vice, unable to look in his direction and staring at his ceiling instead, unfamiliar as he lay on the wrong side of the bed. But then the spell of mistakes broke and he couldn't be there anymore, muttering something about needing to piss, a clear lie the other accepted quietly, rolling over to face the wall, to face away from him.
He almost laughed when he entered his living room, sudden sight of Kouhaku and Yuu amusing enough to distract him from what a crappy thing he'd just done, not surprised that Yuu had taken the blanket for himself, Kouhaku forced to curl close to him to stay warm. But his smile faded soon because they were best friends too and best friends treated each other well, they stole blankets not kisses and they wouldn't find it awkward to share a bed but him and Kin couldn't even do that, the simplest of things. Perhaps it was him who had ruined things with Mizuki and would with Kin too, given the time, maybe he was the toxic one who took people for granted and did whatever he wanted. But it was early now and he did need to piss a little, staring at himself in the mirror and lightly stroking fingers across the soft pad of skin under his eye that blossomed with a bruise.
When he returned, sneaking past Kouhaku and Yuu who were practically spooning now, Kin didn't stir, back rising and falling with even breaths for the whole five minutes Tio just stared at him, stood in the middle of his bedroom and feeling out of place. What was most horrible though, was that he knew if his head wasn't so tangled with Mizuki and Sly that he'd be pleased to have him in his bed, he'd feel nervous anticipation like he was a teenager again. But he slid into bed next to him, forced up against him where he took up all the space, and felt nothing but a dull ache in his chest for the mistakes he'd made and the ones he kept making,
By the time he fell asleep Kin had rolled over again, unconsciously moving closer to him as he turned and his nose almost pressed into his shoulder, stupid fringe brushing his collarbones and breaths warm where they fluttered over his skin. His dreams were empty and not worth remembering, full of vague shapes and things he sought after but couldn't run fast enough to catch, stuck behind them in the cold and surrendering to his fate as ice crusted up his feet and he couldn't run even if he'd wanted to.
"Man, you look like hell."
"Thanks, I just got back." He deadpanned it, not seeing any humour in it even as Sly snorted and looked mildly impressed at how quickly he'd responded, and with something clever too despite the injuries he could see on his body and the exhaustion his eyes betrayed.
"Huh, that's a good line."
"I'm glad you find it so funny."
"So where have you been?" He was looking away already, uninterested after the initial realisation that all was good and the bartender still lived to serve him, playing absently with a small Swiss army knife Mizuki had never seen before, flicking the uselessly tiny saw open and closed again with an annoying, repetitive metallic sound.
"Rescuing Beni-Shigure and Koujaku."
"From where?"
"More like from who."
A roll of eyes then, amused but playing along with this like it was a game, legs spread wide and almost arrogant where he'd been perched on his couch, watching as Mizuki lit a cigarette, figuring that he may as well linger to have one now he had some company. "Alright, so from who?"
"Morphine." He sighed heavily then and Sly looked surprised even though he'd surely known that already, perhaps having doubted it even as Noiz told him that was surely the case, tilting his head to see him better and voice weak as he continued. "You were right, Sly. They were bad news. Thank you."
"Least you were smart enough to listen to me. So, what happened to them?"
"The team are mainly okay, they were acting weird but they seem fairly normal now. Koujaku's in intensive care. His…. His brain got fried or something, I don't know." He waved his hand vaguely, as terrible as it sounded, he didn't have much desire to think about it, he'd deal with it later, for now he just wanted to lie down and sleep until his aching body healed and the fear niggling in the back of his head died.
"Want to fuck, to take your mind off it?"
"That's a sweet offer, but no thanks. I need to clean myself up first."
"Alright, guess I'll be off then," he even stood as he spoke and only then did the idea of his empty apartment terrify him, wondering if he should have stayed with the rest of Dry Juice instead of slinking home the way he had, not even explaining to Tio and just fading away instead.
"You don't have to leave just because we're not having sex."
"Having sex?" He looked mocking, amused at the terminology he'd chosen, softer than he'd like and almost offended at the mere idea, not even mildly upset by the incredibly weak glare the bartender shot him, face so morose he almost felt bad for being mean.
"You know what I mean. I've had a long day, please don't be a dick for once."
"There's not much point me being here otherwise."
That was a reminder he didn't need but he was too weary to comment that he didn't have to act like he'd never hung around before for no reason, just gesturing absently to his kitchen and the living room instead of expending any more of his emptying energy supplies. "Yeah, I get that. Just… Could you just stick around for a bit? I dunno, steal my food, watch TV, whatever. I just…"
"Don't wanna be by yourself." There wasn't any judgement, and that alone clouded his reply with surprise, he'd just finished his sentence easily, like he knew him inside out, had remarked something he'd usually mock him for calmly and clearly.
"I guess."
"Alright, though it's not stealing if you just told me I could."
"Under no circumstances can you eat any of my food. Better?" He didn't really need the bartenders' food now he had Noiz and his seemingly endless bank account, but he decided not to mention that, and besides, Mizuki always had this one type of biscuits he really liked and he wouldn't object to eating a whole pack while he showered, just nodding in approval.
"Much."
"Awesome. I'm going for a shower."
"I thought I was going to die today." Sly didn't respond, but he lowered the TV remote and left the set off, screen black and reflecting the slumped forwards form of the bartender, shoulders loose and hair dripping water down his neck and back. Sly's eyes followed a droplet trace its way down his pulse point, growing into a large wet mark on his shirt, gaze flickering over Mizuki's face, trying to work out what point he was making, what he might want to hear in response.
His sarcastic responses died in his throat, the remark that he'd probably had some last pitiful thought about Sly before he felt the end was coming, that he was all sorts of weak for thinking a simple fight would be the end of him. "But you didn't."
"No, I didn't," the towel fell from around his neck then, trailing to the floor almost unnoticed by either of them, a hand offered towards him palm up, skin lighter there than it would be were he to turn it, to show bruised knuckles instead of rough fingertips. "Come here."
His voice was soft, really soft, and a little scared, like the street kid he'd once hidden from a man chasing after him, suddenly, painfully, reminded of the vulnerable look in his eyes as he'd sought comfort from the only person near, had remembered tucking him into his side and concealing him. But he didn't like hearing that in Mizuki's voice, because he was strong, and stable and the only reliable thing in his life and his chest felt weirdly squeezed suddenly, like the one time he'd seen his Grandma cry but this was much worse.
So he took the hand offered and shifted across the couch, into his lap and closer than normal, arms around his middle encircling him completely and feeling his throat tighten at the sudden shallow air between them as Mizuki's head just rested on his chest.
"What are you doing?"
The reply took a moment and all he could hear was deep breathing then a long exhale and a shake of his head, damp hair leaving a wet patch on his stolen hoodie, "mn, nothing. Sorry. Just, stay like this a minute, okay?"
He didn't know what 'this' was at first, until Mizuki reached up to his neck and pulled him into his body, frame tensing under his hands and stiff in his hold, nose against his skin and breath washing over his neck not helping him to relax. His eyes were flickering around, looking for an escape because this was too weird, too close and warm and his body was getting used to it while his mind was still elsewhere, like the two parts of him refused to work together. He needed to think of something snarky to say to stop this, to make him laugh or get annoyed or anything that would end this, saying the first thing that came to mind.
"You lived to fuck another day."
He snorted then, allowing him to move back and smirk down at him, smile almost exasperated with fondness as he gazed at him, "wow, you really know how to ruin the mood, huh?"
"What mood?"
"Never mind," he shook his head instead of responding with what he wanted to know, just staring at him for a moment longer, gaze almost blanking out and unnerving him before he snapped back to reality and reached up to kiss him.
It was soft, too soft in fact, but whenever the bartender showed this gentle side of him Sly somehow seemed to melt, just reluctantly letting him set the pace, lips growing harder on his and moulding together wetly. But still too slow, almost tender where they joined and parted and Mizuki's fingers sliding into his shirt to rub circles across his skin, situation somehow reminding him of the first time he'd ever made out with somebody and it had been careful and soft and intimate.
That made him snap out of it, the mere idea he'd be intimate with somebody even if it was Mizuki unnerving him, reaching for the hem of his shirt instead and lifting it over his head, actually freezing at the sight of his chest and feeling his eyes widen.
"Mizuki, what the fuck even ha-"
"We're not talking about it," his tone was hard and Sly felt taken aback for a moment because he was the one who'd been all quiet and nice about this, to change the mood now made him feel strangely yelled at and he drew back. "It's not important, okay? Sorry, just… You came here to fuck, right? So let's fuck."
"Why are you trying to distract me?"
"So you don't want to fuck?"
"Maybe I want to know why you're being all weird and... I don't fucking know," he didn't know how to describe it, but he sure as fuck wasn't going to say intimate when the mere word scared him so much, when he couldn't define it but knew somehow he understood it now, using any other phrase he could think of. "Cuddly, gentle, whatever. It's weird."
"Intimate?"
"Something like that. Is this because you thought you were gunna die?" A change of topic then, to distract from that fucking word he couldn't stop remembering, defining in lingering of fingers or hands pushing back hair, in soft, warm smiles and darts of eyes.
"Hm, maybe."
"Never a straight answer from you." There was the hypocrisy he'd built his character on.
"I just…" He paused to sigh then, smiling self-depreciatingly as he continued on, averting his eyes and cheeks a little pink. "I know this is really gay, so don't take the piss, alright? I just wanted to be close to somebody. I guess."
That was really gay, but he'd been asked not to take the piss and even though he hadn't agreed he supposed mocking him wouldn't have the same effect as actually questioning that would, because he wanted to work something out for once, tone incredulous. "And you chose me?"
"I don't exactly have a lot of other options."
"True. But you know a great way to be close to me would be to have your dick in me."
He didn't even recoil at how blunt he was, didn't mention it at all, just explained why he didn't want to do as he was demanding, suggesting, whatever the fuck he was doing, any intimacy they might have had dying away the minute Sly decided it would. "I've had a long day, I'm way too tired for that."
"I can do all the work."
"Not today, Sly, okay? Can you just... Be, for ten minutes?"
"Be what exactly?" Mizuki didn't reply and he just used the silence to light a cigarette, still perched in Mizuki's lap and not intending on moving, more out of stubbornness than anything else, remaining firmly planted there, in the perfect spot to knee him right in the dick were he to get more weird with him. He raised an expectant eyebrow, ignoring the hands on his waist urging him to come in closer, remaining a suitable distance away even as they inhaled the same air, sharing space and not much else.
"I really need your cooperation here, Sly."
"Oh please," fuck his fresh cigarette, this situation was getting stupid and he stubbed it out even as he snapped back at him, incredulous and snarling at him so hard and bitter it was almost a sneer, lip curled. "It's not my cooperation you need."
"Then what do I need? Hm? What do I need?" He wouldn't reply, his jaw was set like it had been wired shut with steel and his eyes were twice as metallic, nostrils flaring and not even meeting his eye, staring intently, stubbornly at the wall behind his head because Sly wouldn't allow the word love to sully his lips. "You don't have to love me back."
He hadn't replied with scorn and anger, so he figured he was safe enough to settle down onto the lap he'd recently tried to abandon, lighting a fresh cigarette he intended on finishing this time, a gift from Noiz, brand written in some language he didn't recognise and coffee flavoured, sending pleasant smelling smoke into the air along with his words. "Isn't that how it works?"
"You know how it works?"
"No, but neither do you."
"True. So, if I don't have to…" He wouldn't say it, saying things made them real and whatever it was Mizuki felt couldn't be real so it would never become so, his lips would never spill the four lettered term. "Feel the same, what do you want me to do?"
"I don't know."
"Wow, you're helpful today. So that's all you have to say on the subject, is it?" He stubbornly ignored the fingers poking at his own, empty of cigarette as it dangled between his lips, easily switching smoking hands so Mizuki could rub warmth into his cold digits with firm strokes of his thumb.
"I just think we should be together all the time."
His eyes raised from where their hands linked, not sure yet it he wanted to tear away or let this continue a little longer, his hands were warm after all and his were always so cold in this bitter winter air that whirled outside the thick windows. His expression was disbelieving and his tone somewhat sceptical, "all the time?"
"If you wanted to be," he shrugged, like it was a small thing and Sly's lungs weren't growing tighter in his chest as he fought the urge to just run, to break free of this hold and smash through a window and just fucking run until he coughed up blood.
So he just smiled instead and shrugged too, because he'd never really known what he wanted before and he sure as hell didn't now, just focusing on the beats of his heart and the blood thrumming in a percussive beat through his veins. "All the time is a lot."
"Okay, so just some of the time."
"But we're together some of the time now," anything to argue against this, anything that would get him away from this situation and make Mizuki drop it and go back to holding his hand in this peaceful silence or even being angry at him. Anything.
"More of the time then."
He sighed but it was weak and shaking, turning his head to look away from tan skin on fragile white, to avert his gaze from the softness as if somehow not being able to see would remove his ability to feel, one he had only just begun to grow and already wished would die. "How."
"You could stay," he'd been softer before, joking and trying to make him comfortable, but now his need, his desires, were painfully obvious and they made his skin crawl because he didn't want him to stay the way Sly wanted him to. "Sometimes, if it's cold or… Or just if you wanted to."
"I never wanted this," but it wasn't strong, or spat or angry, it was low and sad and it made something in his chest come loose and he could feel resentment coursing over him, hot and thick and choking his throat with moisture. "I never wanted any of this."
"I know, I didn't either."
"Well it's your fault! You're the one that started this whole fucking thing so don't come to me with that horse-shit!" He'd yanked his hands free then, standing and irritation, infuriation, building to boiling point and making his spine burn as he stood straight and tall and aggressive, quiet moment shattered and growing angrier as he dared to think he might miss it.
It only took Mizuki a moment to respond though, reacting slower, taking in the distance between them and nothing more than pure confusion powering his words, spitting them out and hating his tone. "God, Sly, what made you like this? Why can't you even let yourself consider this, you won't even accept its happening, what happened to you to make you so cold?"
"My parents left me! Okay? They fucking left me! Is that what you want to hear?"
"I'm an orphan too."
"I'm not a fucking orphan," he spat it like it was something dirty, something to be ashamed of and Mizuki felt hurt for a split second, before he realised what that meant, that Sly had truly been left behind without a second glance back whereas his parents had never bothered to so much as look at him. "They're alive somewhere. They fucked off and went travelling and never came back. They left me here with my granny who hates me when I was just a fucking kid, so don't you try and tell me you know how shit that is because you have no idea."
"I'm not your parents."
"I know, but I'm not going to let you get near me just to fuck me over again, I will not be left again, I fucking refuse, so keep your love to yourself, alright?" He'd opened up too much there and Mizuki was the exact type of asshole to analyse his words even when he was yelling them, changing tactic to scream about Mizuki's flaws instead of his own. "God, what do you even want from me? To hold you and stroke your hair and say that it's okay, I'll love you even though your parents never did?"
"Get out."
"No, fuck you!"
"Get out!" He'd slapped him then, and in the silence where he wondered why on earth he hadn't just punched him, all he could hear was Sly's heavy, ragged breaths as he fought to control his anger. Then he exhaled a half laugh that held no humour and he dared to look up, Sly's expression hard and his eyes averted, showing some emotion he couldn't even register but that was more hurt than he'd expected.
"You know what? I might not know how to love somebody, but even if I did I wouldn't want to love somebody as fucked up as you. You act all innocent and lovely, like this amazing Rib leader who'd never do any wrong but all you do is fucking want. You decide you want somebody and you fucking grind and grind on them until they give in and you get whatever it is you want." The words were pouring out unbidden and he hadn't even realised he'd thought any of this until it exploded in words that came so quickly it was amazing he didn't stumble over them, voice spitting and hissing by the time he was done. "Well fuck you, I'm not going to fucking give in any time soon you selfish, arrogant bastard! Keep your fucking wallowing to yourself. You're pathetic!"
Time fell thick between them, memories and seconds and infinite periods of time stilling and skipping over and over until it could have been ten minutes or a million lifetimes that they stood there, Sly's shoulders trembling with rage and Mizuki unable to form a single thought.
"Aren't you going to defend your wonderful reputation? Fucking say something!"
"I didn't know you knew that many words."
"Well wow, fuck you." He nearly opened his mouth again, nearly stayed to say more and pretend not to have regretted anything he said so far, but his sense kicked in and he left instead, slamming the door behind him and stalking through the streets with his chest tight with rage.
He'd wanted to scream, to grab a fistful of Mizuki's hair and scream into his face that he'd fucked things up again, that it was never even Sly l who ruined things, that for a moment he'd been okay with just sitting there quietly, with just being. But no, Mizuki had to worm his way under his skin again, which was fine in theory but he always tore free when he was so deep it ripped him open, he could never just make a flesh wound, no, he had to puncture organs.
He was angry and confused and didn't know what to do, going as far as to pick up his coil and type out a proposition to Noiz he'd never send, because yes he wanted to screw this away but he wasn't so far gone yet to involve him in this fucked up thing. So he changed his course for Grime, for cheap booze that would make him choke and drugs to dull his head and for hands to take him away from himself for a little while. For hands he didn't want there instead of the darkened skin he'd dared to crave for even a moment.
