Adding an author's note to spice things up:
I'm not sure why I still bother cross posting things over here, I mean I might as well delete this account. Oh well. Here's the story, if anyone's actually reading.


Phone calls from Gilbert

One thing that Ludwig knew would be constant in his life was that his brother Gilbert would call him, without fail, at least once a week. Gilbert was a year older than Ludwig and a self proclaimed "non-genius", meaning he too was starting his first year of college. However, Gilbert was also an animal lover determined to become a vet, so he was half a state away, enrolled in one of a few colleges that offered Veterinary Science. Ludwig missed him significantly, but wished he wouldn't call at the most inconvenient times.

Ludwig's phone began buzzing, and a quick glance at the screen confirmed it was his brother. With a brief sigh and a fond smile he picked up the call.

'Hello Gilbert,'

'Lutzi!' Gilbert's greeting was as energetic as usual. 'How are you? Housemates still giving you trouble?'

'I've been good, and they're easier to live with now,' Ludwig took a look at the door to make sure neither Feliks or Francis has chosen this moment to return from wherever they'd gone. 'How about you?'

'Fairly awesome,' Gilbert was probably striking a pose on his side of the call. 'But my neighbours are still at it every single night. They're like fucking rabbits. I don't know how they keep it up.'

Ludwig stifled a groan, glad that Gilbert wasn't beside him to tease him about the flush that had appeared over his cheeks. It also wasn't the first time Gilbert had complained about this and Ludwig didn't want any further details.

'Surely one of them isn't supposed to be in the dorm,' He stated. 'Can't you report that? Or at least tell them to be quieter?'

'Nope, Roderich Edelstein – hah, even his name is prissy – is a bona fide teacher's pet and fucking musical genius,' Gilbert had began on a spiel and Ludwig it could be a while before he stopped. 'And his girlfriend? Erzsébet Héderváry. Everyone thinks she's the coolest girl ever, bitch basically has the entire campus wrapped around her fingers. First of all; no one at administration would even believe that perfect, perfect Roderich would break dorm rules. Secondly, I can't just politely tell them to knock it off because Erzsébet would kill me. That woman is crazy, and she hates me, I must have given her the wrong look once or something because the next thing I know, she's glaring daggers at me in every lecture and all of her friends hate me as well. Just my luck she turned to practically live next to me as well.'

There was a pause in the melodramatics and Ludwig took the opportunity to change the subject.

'That sounds rough,' he said sympathetically. 'But how are your classes going? Weren't you really excited about one of your labs?'

'Oh yes!' Gilbert's tone immediately brightened. 'The dog lab! We were supposed to be learning about dental health and parasites, but it was really chill and all the assessments were done quickly. Then we just spent the rest of the hour petting the dogs. It was actually great.'

'What type of dogs?'

Now Ludwig was just as excited about his brother, he'd had to leave his own dogs behind with their parent and had been resorting to petting random dogs he'd seen on campus.

'A few different types… couple of dachshunds, a Dalmatian, and the rest were Labradors. So basically it was a lab lab!'

Gilbert cackled at his own pun and Ludwig joined in with the laughter.

'I'm not disturbing your work or anything?' Gilbert asked soberly after the laughter died down.

Ludwig looked down at the papers he'd spread across the kitchen table.

'Not at all,'

If Gilbert could tell he was lying, he didn't mention it, and their conversation continued until Feliks walked through the front door followed by Francis.

'You are you talking to? Your girlfriend?' Feliks asked curiously.

'Are those your housemates? I think I'll leave you to it.' Gilbert said with amusement before promptly hanging up.

Ludwig listened to the silence for a few moments before setting his phone down at looking up at two sets of expectant eyes.

'Don't be shy, tell us,' Francis prompted. 'We're your cool older flatmates and can help you through any relationships problems.'

'Yeah, like, one time Toris and I—,'

'Not now Feliks, I'm talking,'

'This is exactly why you're still sing—,'

'Shhh,'

Feliks glared at him.

'Come on, Ludwig,' Francis continued as if nothing had happened.

'I was talking to my brother,' Ludwig sighed, not wanted to deal with the duo's antics at the moment.

'Oh come on, you can tell us,' Feliks gave an exaggerated pout. 'You're always on the phone, it's like you kept it completely secret.'

'I was serious, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go the library to catch up on some work,'

As he walked out he heard Feliks say to Francis:

'The fact he didn't finish his work definitely means that wasn't a brother,'

Ludwig rolled his eyes and kept walking.


Unfortunately for Ludwig, both Francis and Feliks were now determined to find out the identity of his "Mystery Girlfriend", despite the multiple times that Ludwig had tried to tell them she was nonexistent. However, by the next day they seemed to have accepted the truth and moved on, but Ludwig should have known to never count his chickens before they hatched, especially if it involved his flatmates.

That night as Ludwig checked the details of his notes, his phone buzzed to announce he had a text. That was odd in itself as not many people had Ludwig's number and both his parents and Gilbert preferred straight up calling over texting. Unlocking his phone revealed a text from Francis:

Ludwig, I've accidentally left my keys in my room and Feliks won't open the door because he's an obnoxious brat. So could you please let me back into the apartment :)

Ludwig frowned, Francis had gone into the room Ludwig shared with Feliks to discuss sometime arts course related as he often did, but Ludwig hadn't recalled him actually leaving the apartment. Then again, Francis was an unnaturally quiet walker and Ludwig had been very absorbed by his notes. The idea of Francis having an argument with Feliks before walking out to clear his head seemed highly plausible.

Alright, I'm coming.

Ludwig pressed the send button before walking towards the door, watching the screen as Francis seemed to be typing a reply. He looked up a second too late when Felik's door opened as he walked past.

'Got it!' Feliks exclaimed triumphly as he brandished Ludwig's phone.

'Hurry up and check who's been calling him,' Francis said from behind him. 'I did not waste credit for this not to work.'

'Right on it!' Feliks pressed on Ludwig's phone screen a few time. 'Recent call history: 27 calls from someone called Gilbert— Oh…'

'What?' Francis asked impatiently.

'Beilschmidt,' Feliks finished with a deflated air.

Ludwig would have found the situation amusing if he wasn't so irritated.

'I told you so, now give my phone back,'

He held out his hand towards Feliks, who at least had the decency to guilty as he returned Ludwig's phone. Francis however, looked unapologetic as usual. Ludwig glared at him.

'Get out of my room,' he said angrily, pushing past Francis to lie down on his bed.

Francis complied, leaving the room without a word. Feliks stood awkwardly for a few more moment before sitting down on his own bed. A few minutes of silence passed before Feliks cleared his throat.

'Hey, I'm, like, sorry for breaching your trust or whatever. Okay that sounded bad. I'm bad at apologies okay?'

He laughed nervously to himself when Ludwig didn't move.

'Look, I really am sorry,' he continued. 'I didn't think about what I was doing and I get it if you're angry at both me and Francis. Who I'm not apologising for, by the way, he can do that himself. Anyways I'll, like clean the bathroom and I'll make Francis wash the dishes with me. Just don't stay angry at us forever; it's barely halfway through first semester.'

To his credit he hadn't mentioned anything about baking, but still Ludwig ignored him. Feliks sighed and after a while Ludwig opened an eye to watch him furiously texting someone. Eventually, Feliks left the room, presumably to talk to Francis, and Ludwig pressed his face further into his pillow, still too frustrated to get up.


He must have fallen asleep without realising it, because the next morning Ludwig woke up still dressed in day clothes, with a fuzzy feeling in his mouth, hand cramped from having gripped his phone the entire. Someone had covered with a spare sheet, which was a nice gesture, but Ludwig wasn't quite ready for a truce yet. Checking his phone revealed it was low on battery and that he had half an hour until class, having not turned on his alarm the previous night. Swearing so profusely that even Gilbert would have been impressed, Ludwig stuffed his books into his bag and ran out of the apartment, ignoring the smell of crepes from the kitchen and not noticing the concerned looks his housemates gave him.

His phone rang when he'd made it halfway across campus. Ludwig picked up without even looking at caller ID.

'Gilbert?' he winced at his own tone.

'Wow, someone's grumpy,' Gilbert spoke nonchalantly before his tone became serious. 'Okay, real talk – What's wrong, Lutzi?'

'Apart from the fact you're calling at the wrong time? No wait – sorry – don't hang up.'

'I'm all ears, little brother. Talk up. Who do I need to brutally murder?'

This got a shaky laugh from Ludwig before he sighed and relayed the entire story.

'So your housemates really thought I was your girlfriend?' Gilbert said incredulously when Ludwig finished venting. 'They might be a bit too stupid for me to murder then.'

Ludwig laughed again and Gilbert took this as his cue to continue:

'Look, those two idiots went too far with their fucking espionage or whatever shit, but you do have to live with them for a while, so I just suggest going harsher with that brownie bribery regime you have going already if you can't forgive. Also you said you missed breakfast, so skip your lecture and buy yourself some then go to a later lecture or watch it online. Look after yourself, kiddo.'

'Thanks Gilbert,' Ludwig saw the sense in his logic. 'Did I mention you're the best older brother ever?'

'Not fucking enough! But seriously, if those two give you any more trouble you can't handle, put me on speaker phone so I can yell at them for you. Now go get breakfast, I'll call you back tonight.'


Ludwig took his brother's advice, and with a little reshuffling of his lectures, arrived back at his apartment only an hour later than usual. Neither Francis nor Feliks were back from their classes yet, but there was a Tupperware container in the middle of the kitchen table. A folded over note with his name written on it in smooth black ink and elegant handwriting was taped onto the box. Curious, Ludwig detached the note from the container and opened it.

"We saved you one of the crepes I made for breakfast. Also don't wait for us tonight, Feliks and I are going to get dinner together. Just thought we'd give you some space.

– Francis"

The crepe was cold and slightly soggy, but it still admittedly tasted good, and another pleasant surprise was the lack of dirty dishes and utensils in the sink. Ludwig figured that this was Francis' way of apologising and took advantage of the time he had alone to get started on his Introduction to Quantum Mechanics assignment. Gilbert called again around eight o'clock, and Ludwig quickly closed his laptop to pick up the phone.

'How's my favourite little brother going?'

'I'm your only brother, Gil,'

'Oh shush,' Gilbert pretended to be affronted. 'How was your day though?'

'It was actually alright,' Ludwig smiled to himself. 'I took all of your advice and everything worked out. Feliks and Francis didn't come back for dinner either, so I guess they really are sorry.'

'As they should be,' Gilbert affirmed. 'But anyway, what are you doing right now? I think you mentioned something about an assignment last week?'

'That was the Basics of Engineering one,' Ludwig clarified. 'I submitted it already, I do have another one for Quantum Mechanics but it's not due for two weeks.'

'Oh good, so I'm not interrupting anything important,'

'Not at all,' Ludwig had figured by now Gilbert had a story he wanted to tell. 'What's happening on your side of the state?'

'So this may sound weird,' Gilbert began. 'But I think my roommate is a vampire.'

'Wait, you have a roommate?'

Gilbert had never mentioned a roommate before, and Ludwig had just assumed that he'd been lucky enough not to have been assigned one.

'Yeah, and I never see them, which was fair enough. I mean they could just have a completely different timetable to me, possibly more friends and lower sleep requirements. I like to get a solid ten plus hours so that leaves a window of a couple of hours for, say, a six hour sleeper to enter and leave the dorm without me leaving. I guess they do leave some books lying around sometimes but I'm a decent person and don't snoop so I have no idea who they are.'

Ludwig took a moment to digest this.

'And what makes you think that they're a vampire now?'

'Well, last night, I woke up at probably two am to like a cold feeling and, well, hissing. And then the window creaked shut and there was like a figure standing next to it, it was really creepy. I didn't say anything and the shadow just moved across the room and sat down on the other bed. I swear my roommate's a vampire and flew in through the window!'

Ludwig rubbed at his temples, noting that his brother sounded completely serious.

'You've just been watching too much Carmilla, Gilbert,'

The last time he'd checked Gilbert had been hooked on the webseries and had forced Ludwig to watch the entirety of its first season with him.

'Maybe,' Gilbert admitted. 'But I still think they're a vampire.'

'Just don't do anything stupid like Laura does okay? That's just unreasonable.'

'It's fine, I don't have any intention of putting garlic around the room, or kidnapping or whatever…'

'Good,'

Their conversation then veered on to home, their dogs, the misadventures Gilbert's bird had as well as particularly unpleasant lecturers and tutors. At about nine, Gilbert stifled a yawn, and decided it was probably time for him to sleep.

'Stay awesome, little bro. I love ya.'

'Goodnight Gil,'


Over the next week Feliks and Francis stepped on eggshells around Ludwig, which suited him fine for the first few days; the apartment was quiet, with no constant arguing, and the dishes were always clean without prompting. But the novelty soon wore off, and the atmosphere of the apartment was unnaturally uncomfortable.

'I know you're there,' Ludwig sighed, catching Francis tiptoeing across the apartment from the corner of his eye.

'I was just going to ask Feliks if he could help me with a composition assignment, he's not answering his phone,'

'You don't need to explain yourself—,' Ludwig groaned and ran a hand through his hair, words had never been his strong point. 'Look… Actually go get Feliks; all three of us need to talk.'

Francis looked slightly relieved as he went to do exactly that, and Feliks soon emerged from his room, looking quite nervous.

'So…' Francis began with a diplomatic gesture as Feliks picked at his nails beside him.

'I'm not angry with you anymore,' It was a relief for Ludwig to say that. 'You're both annoying and disruptive and you fight all the time and sometimes you really don't know what personal space or boundaries are.'

Feliks squirmed, and even Francis began to look uncomfortable.

'But,' Ludwig continued. 'It's really weird when you're both trying to avoid me. So how about we just all go back to normal – minus the part where you take my things without asking?'

Both of his housemates nodded, and Ludwig wondered how long this cooperation would last.

'Alright, why don't we all bake something together then?'


The next few days appeared to be full of arts assessments, because Feliks had been blasting music in his room nonstop and the occasional stream of swearing could be heard coming from Francis' room. Ludwig sat at his usual spot by the kitchen table, working on his own assignment and wincing as the sound of heavy objects falling followed by swearing came from Francis' direction. Naturally, Gilbert took this opportunity to call.

'Lutzi! Wait, isn't that a song from Eurovision a couple of years back?'

'Yeah, My Słowianie. Feliks is having a bad time with an assignment.'

'Ha, our parents get so upset every time Germany doesn't do well… So does this mean everything's okay between the three of you now?'

'Yeah, it got to weird not to talk to them around to acting like themselves again after a while,'

'That's good to hear… Speaking of good news, guess what?'

Ludwig could only imagine Gilbert's excited expression.

'What?' he asked.

'We got snowed in by a freak storm today and all classes were cancelled, so I finally got to meet my roommate, who's probably not a vampire,'

Over the phone Ludwig heard something that sounded like a muffed "definitely not" in the background.

'I guess I don't have you worry about you getting in trouble for setting up a trap in your dorm now,' Ludwig said with amusement. 'It sounds like the two of you are getting along.'

'Oh we are! Arthur's been feeding Gilbird when I have labs, which makes him a decent person in my books. Also the reason he's never in the room is because he figured the after-hours zone in the library is the best way to avoid the Wonder Couple next door.'

Ludwig heard Gilbert's roommate snort.

'Now that's smart,' Gilbert continued. 'Apart from the time he accidentally stayed the whole night there, but I think I'll join him from now on because, who've had guessed, Piano Boy and Crazy Lady are still at it. And the two am wake up thing? I accidentally left the window open and Arthur noticed a raccoon had gotten in when he came back from the library, the rest is pretty self explanatory.'

There was more laughing on Gilbert's side of the call, and something that sounded like a question about tea. Ludwig was glad that his brother wasn't having any roommate problems, even if it had taken half a semester for them to actually meet.

'I'm guessing the raccoon was the thing that hissed?' he ventured.

'Yep you've got that right – Oh you made one for me, thanks! – Sorry about that Lutzi, I just got handed a cup of tea – Ouch! It's hot!'

Trust Gilbert to try and drink something without registering exactly what it was while he was multitasking. Ludwig grinned to himself and he heard something close to "you're an idiot" in the background.

'I guess I'll leave you to it then, don't want you burning yourself with that,'

'Oh shut up, Ludwig. But you have a point, talk to you soon.'

'Bye,'


'Is everything okay?' Ludwig asked at dinner, remembering the earlier swearing and the loud music that had been playing up to the point of the food being ready.

'Completely fine,' Francis answered, rubbing at a patch of paint still stuck on his hand. 'Getting started was…difficult… but my mid semester still life piece is going fine.'

'I have no idea why I ever picked history as my minor!' Feliks said huffily, stabbing viciously at a piece of broccoli on his plate. 'This assignment sucks!'

Ludwig had done well in history at high school, particularly liking the part about the Roman Empire. He'd had been slightly disappointed at not being able to continue it due to his choice of course.

'Oh I like history, I could help you out. What's the subject?'

'Twentieth Century History – wars are so overrated. "Analyse the causes of conflict" is such an annoying question. I can remember dates and all, but analysing? I choose to major in fashion design so I wouldn't have to go into depth with this shit!'

'I can help with analyses, just show me the exact question after dinner,' Ludwig said earnestly.

Francis chuckled and stretched lazily.

'History. You two are such nerds. Should have chosen philosophy like me, Feliks. The tutor encourages napping in class and pretty much any answer is right.'

'You can go shove that pretentious philosophy bull crap up you arse, Francis!'

The bickering continued from there, proving that they were most definitely back to normal, and Ludwig found that he much preferred it this way.