Chapter 5

It is rarely safe to assume anything, especially since the first definition of "assume" is to jump to a conclusion without proof and the second is to take on responsibility. Neither is without its risks. While you, dear reader, do not have to assume anything, as I will tell you as a fact that Mr. Poe, the banker, did not come to whisk the Baudelaire orphans away from their new guardian, Mr. Wade Wilson did have to assume the responsibility of being said guardian.

It began that morning when he realized that the orphans were early risers. When one makes a comparison to anything, one may have to establish the base for which they are comparing it to. The established base here is that Wade Wilson, on his days off, would get out of bed at the earliest around noon and at the latest the next day that he had to work. He had once spent three days on the couch, surviving on pork rinds, lukewarm and eventually flat soda pop, and leftover pizza with the only incentive to get up at all being to go to the restroom. So in this case, the Baudelaires were actually moving about in the kitchen around nine in the morning, which is not very early at all.

The only reason they were not moving around the apartment sooner was because they had already showered, brushed their teeth (the Baudelaires had very few belongings, but the small pack that Violet brought in had three toothbrushes, a hotel toiletry sampler, one change of clothes each, diapers for Sunny, a deck of cards, a book, a small sewing kit, and a mutilated teething ring), and made the bed. After they had done everything and their new guardian had not come to fetch them, they decided to venture into the apartment, or at least go straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast, then back again to fetch The Chair from the bedroom so that the seating set was finally complete.

Wade Wilson was sprawled across the couch, the blanket he had used wadded and tossed on the floor but the scarf on his face strangely still in place and not wrinkled in the least. He could smell something cooking, and in his groggy mind he could find no other reason that this could be justified besides that he had accidentally hired a personal chef in his sleep again. He rolled right onto the floor and stood up into a stretch. Not a single action looked graceful in any way, though there was a fluidity to it that said that he did this very often. He started hobbling to the kitchen, working on a knot in his back that hitched his steps every time he used his left leg.

Wade Wilson was very surprised when he arrived in the kitchen. His mind was still groggy and nothing made sense in the morning fog. He took inventory. The smell that had drawn him into the kitchen had been cheese omelettes, scrambled eggs with cheese, fried ham, and toast. The oven was safely turned off and there were actually clean plates and silverware set on the table, along with the variety of food. All of the chairs were present, though he could still tell which chair was The Chair and, in his fuzzy mind, he somehow decided that it was The Chair's fault that he had a knot in his lower back. That was when his groggy mind realized the most important factor, the one thing that made everything else make sense.

There were three children sitting around the table.

There were three children in his apartment.

There were three children staring at him.

There were three children who had washed the dishes, made breakfast, brought The Chair back to its siblings in the dinette, and set the table.

One of them asked if he was alright, to which he replied, "I gotta pee."

The Baudelaire orphans did not know what to expect from their guardian, but a proclamation of that sort followed by Wade Wilson hobbling back to the bathroom was not something that had even crossed their minds. They glanced around at each other before they started serving breakfast again. Violet leaned across the table with her plate as Klaus piled a generous serving of scrambled eggs on her plate. Sunny nibbled at her piece of toast, which was rock hard, as per her preference. A scream came from the bathroom, which almost caused Violet to drop her plate of eggs.

Wade Wilson came back into the dinette much calmer than the scream would have had them believe. The Chair was the only open one, and he gave it a look that could be easily recognized as disdainful and full of loathing, even through the scarf he still wore over his face. "So the prodigal chair returns," he stated before plopping down into it as if he were boneless. While he was a little more awake now than he was previous to his morning scream, it was obvious that the gears inside of his head were whirring overtime to put together what exactly had happened the previous night to warrant three children making breakfast in his apartment.

Klaus broke him out of his morning fog. "Mr. Wade, would you like an omelette?" Wade shook his head, making a sound from his mouth that sounded like a cartoon duck, which made Sunny giggle uncontrollably. "Yeah, yeah. Sounds great. Hey, good jobs, kids. Sorry about the mess and thanks for breakfast. Looks amazing. Can't believe I had eggs in the fridge." Violet nodded and swallowed her bite before speaking. "They were about to go bad, so we used almost all of them. We were going to use the rest for pancakes tomorrow. If that's alright." "If that's alright, of course it's alright. I can't think of why pancakes wouldn't be alright," Wade said as Klaus slipped a cheese omelette onto his plate, as well as a piece of toast that was not rock hard. "Seriously though guys, I dropped the ball. I was pretty sure that the guy in the hat would call and wake me up to tell me that you guys would be going back with him by now."

Violet glanced away with a half smile, Klaus snorted around his mouthful of eggs, and Sunny openly laughed and babbled something to the tune of "yeah, right," spraying crumbs everywhere. While it had sounded nice when he first suggested it, the three siblings knew that Mr. Poe would not be coming to get them. In all of the time that they had known him, Mr. Poe had proven time and again that he was only competent at telling boring stories and being incompetent, not at managing their affairs. While Wade Wilson had fostered hope that the children would not be in his life for much longer, the children had known all too well that they would most likely be here until an event occurred, taking them away from this guardian and onto the next one. The children did not mind Wade Wilson, but he had a certain quality to his actions that told them that he should not be their caretaker. Or around children. Ever.

After breakfast, Violet and Klaus scrubbed the dishes and put them into the dishwasher while Sunny sat happily on the counter with a pot and a spoon, lightly tapping as she tried to write a new song for her siblings' enjoyment in her head. The older two cleaned up the kitchen and dinette areas while Wade took a shower and completed his morning ritual. When he came back to the dinette area, he was no longer wearing a scarf. Instead, he had a hoodie with a false front that looked like a superhero mask. He hovered over The Chair, propping his arms on its back while he stood behind it. Nobody commented about his mask. He was a little disappointed.

"Alright kids, we might have a problem. Seeing as I'm new to the whole guardianship of orphans thing, and my pad is actually a huge hazard to, like everybody, I'm gonna have to set you up with a sitter while I go on a job on...what's today?" "Tuesday," said Violet, wiping her hands on a paper towel and coming up to the counter. "Uh-huh, right, so, tomorrow. On tomorrow. I have a job. And it's definitely not bring your kids to work day. That's next month." While Violet did not know who he was looking at when he said this, it was painfully obvious that he was winking behind his hoodie mask.

"Do you have someone who would be able to watch us on such short notice?" she asked, picking Sunny up and sitting down on a chair across from where he stood. "Nope, but we're going to go see a friend and see if maybe they have something set up for something like this." By this time, Klaus had come into the dinette and had settled for standing behind his seated sisters. They looked as though they had been arranged by a photographer for a family portrait and had been told not to smile.

"Like, right now. Get your shoes-wait are you kids already wearing your shoes? In the house? Why would you do that?" The children shrugged. It was something they were accustomed to. "Geez, just, let's go. Right now." Wade popped up from his propping and started shooing the children towards the door, like a reverse trail of ducks. The door closed and locked behind the four of them. It was going to be a very strange day.