---- Chapter 59
Lois grumbled as she pulled some towels out of a box. The morning sunlight streaming into the room did little to brighten her mood. Apparently, since she and Clark had made the deal that she got to decorate the house and he did the basement, he thought she should do all the unpacking and label where she wanted things before he would super speed it all into space.
He was so not getting lucky.
Sick of the stupid box, Lois tipped it over and dumped everything on the floor. She tossed the box back over her shoulder and started sorting through the towels. She was mostly angry at herself, really; in all her wisdom when packing, she'd just thrown all the towels into a few boxes so that they'd be done with. She really should have remembered she would probably be the one that had to sort them.
AJ kicked a couple times and Lois let her head fall back. She pushed herself off her knees and into a standing position, walking over to sit down on the bed that Clark had put together the night before. "You're right, AJ. I need to stop being annoyed and let myself relax. I've done this before; the moving, not the pregnancy. Well, I have done that..."
Lois sighed. "It's better you know now. I mean, it's basically true to some degree for everybody, but really kiddo, your mom is insane. She is just all kinds of crazy. You can actually hear it right now because she keeps referring to herself as she. She promises to stop in a second.
"I need to tell you this now before I get all caught up in you being in my life. We kind of covered it once before, but I want to make sure and give you all the grisly details. I am going to forget you. There's nothing I can do about it. I would never, ever choose this, but don't think for a second that it means I will love you any less. I'm just going to have some days where things are a little off.
"I promise, if there is anything out there that will allow me to fix my memory and keep all these memories of you, I will. Your father and I will do everything in our power, and his is considerable, to try to fix this. I want to remember every minute of your life that I can, as early as it is, and that's how things will be as long as you know me."
Lois let herself fall backwards, her arms spread out wide on the bed. She sighed and rested her hands on her stomach. "I'm not so crazy as to think you understand what I'm saying, of course. You're like, eight inches long or something. I just... I hope you can feel how much I love you. I hope that you'll never have to wonder about that, no matter how repetitive you think I'm being by saying it all the time. I like saying it. I love you, AJ."
Lois ran her hands over her stomach a couple times before sitting up and getting off the bed, heading out of the room and downstairs. She found Jordan sitting on the couch, looking at a children's book. She looked around the room, not spotting Clark, and frowned.
"Jordan, where's daddy?"
"He had to go help."
Lois took a deep breath and walked over to Jordan, mumbling to herself about how Clark could have at least sped up the stairs to tell her he was leaving their daughter alone in the living room. Sitting down, she looked at the book Jordan was reading and shook her head. How the hell was Barney still popular? More importantly, was Jordan actually reading?
"Are you really reading that, baby girl?"
Jordan nodded, but Lois wanted to test the theory further. She pointed at a sentence. "How about you tell mommy what that says."
"It says 'Barney loves the kids and wanted to take them somewhere special. He wanted to take them on his airplane!'"
Well, she did have a photographic memory... maybe she'd just sounded out the passage and memorized it?
Oh, who was she kidding. Her three year old was going to grow up to become some super powered genius that did crazy things.
Huh. Kinda filled her with pride, to be truthful. Smiling, she bent down and kissed Jordan on the top of her head before walking over to some boxes and starting to pull out some of the pictures that had been strewn about the apartment.
Looking around the room, she tried to decide what would be a good place for pictures, but there weren't any real stand out spots that she could see. Of course, they hadn't really put the furniture in any order yet, so that would probably explain some of it. Still, she could probably spread these out through the house and have pictures everywhere instead of all in one room.
Pictures. She was thinking about putting up pictures in the house she was now living in with her husband and her daughter. What a life.
Smiling, Lois pulled the last of the pictures out of the box and put it down on the floor with the other pictures. She stood up, pulling the box up with her and started collapsing it. Once it was flat, she took it over to the pile that had been started in the dining room and tossed it on before walking back to the living room. She started picking up the pictures and putting them on the end tables and coffee table. They seemed much less likely to be stepped on when on top of a table.
Stretching, she looked at the boxes left to unpack. She then looked over at the couch. Such an inviting couch, just asking to be sat on and enjoyed. The boxes would still be there later, and the couch needed attention now.
Before making the couch happy, Lois wanted something to read. She looked around the room for a second before heading upstairs and into her bedroom. She walked over to the dresser, which Clark had gotten settled that morning, and kicked it once to open up the secret drawer. She pulled out the diary and pushed the drawer closed again before heading downstairs and sitting down next to Jordan.
"What's that, mommy?"
Lois glanced at the diary before looking at Jordan. "This is something that mommy has been reading, like you're reading your book. It tells me about things that happened in the past that I can't remember very well."
"Like what?"
"Uh, well, like when you were a baby. So much has happened since then that sometimes I'll have a hard time remembering it all. When that happens, I can look at this and it will remind me."
Jordan looked at her book for a second before looking back up at Lois. "Do I have a book like that?"
Why, why did her daughter be as curious as she was? Maybe she could blame this on Clark, since he was a pretty naturally inquisitive guy. "I think, baby girl, that you're too young for one of these. You're only three; you don't really need a book like mine until you're at least seven."
"Ok."
Jordan looked down at her book and Lois sighed. Questions. That was something she always forgot about young kids: they ask a lot of questions. Add that to a healthy dose of inquisitiveness that she'd inherited from both of her parents and it was a recipe for giant amounts of questions. Recipes like that were why she'd never cooked. Except she'd cooked Jordan, and now she was cooking AJ...
Why the hell couldn't she get cooking out of her head?
Giving herself a mental shake, she bit her lip and opened up the diary. She was flipping to the next entry she hadn't read when suddenly there was a gust of wind going through the room. Fighting the urge to smack herself in the forehead, she closed the diary and slid it in between the cushions of the couch, looking up as Clark walked around in front of them.
"Hi, daddy."
"Hey there, Jordan. How was the book while I was gone?"
"Good."
"Good, I'm glad." Clark looked over at her, and smiled. "Got tired of unpacking?"
"Yes. It's very unfair of you to make me pull things out of boxes and label where I want them before you whoosh them into place." Lois started rubbing her stomach with her hands and gave him her best sad puppy face. "Have some sympathy for your pregnant wife, Smallville."
"That's... that's... that's just not fair. Why am I such a sucker for, well, anything you do? I mean, you could look at me cross eyed and I'd agree to do things for you."
"They call that whipped, Smallville. Fortunately, you are married to a woman that doesn't take advantage of it nearly as often as she could. Call me Saint Lois." Had she really just said that? God, she was setting herself up for like ten jokes about her and the city!
"Saint Lois, is it? Wow."
Lois grimaced as she watched Clark fight a losing battle against laughing. "Just laugh, Smallville. I deserve it."
She let her head droop as he laughed, knowing full well it was what she deserved for having once again spoken before thinking. Problem was, she was starting to laugh too. She couldn't hold it in, either, and cradled her face in her hands as she laughed at herself. Man she was laughing hard. It hadn't been THAT funny.
After a moment she calmed herself down and looked up again, Clark smiling at her. "So, what do you want for late breakfast?"
"Late breakfast?"
"Well, I figured that since you got up early with Jordan and had breakfast with her, you would probably be hungry again. It's about ten, now, and you got up three hours ago, so I'm going to say you want some scrambled eggs, toast and a few strips of bacon."
That sounded really tasty. She wasn't starving, but she could do with some sustenance. "Yeah, ok, if you're offering. I'm not one to turn down food, especially not lately. This whole eating like I just went three days without food thing is still normal, right?"
"Since you're usually eating like it's been two days without food, I'd say that extra day is about right. It was the same way with Jordan, and of course while each pregnancy is different, you having the appetite you do is something that is generally the same."
Lois raised an eyebrow at him. She could have a little fun with this. "I don't know whether to feel better that this is the same thing that happened with Jordan or to feel worse that my husband thinks I eat like whale."
"Is that what I said?"
"That's what I heard."
Clark eyed her a second before nodding. "Alright." He walked off into the kitchen, leaving Lois frowning. That wasn't what was supposed to happen! He was supposed to stumble over his words and apologize until she couldn't contain her laughter anymore! Stupid fake television families steering her wrong.
Getting up off the couch, she made sure Jordan was still all set with her reading and walked into the kitchen, watching Clark cook for a moment before speaking. Somewhere in his walk from living room to kitchen he'd changed into regular clothes. "You didn't walk into my trap."
"I've walked into it enough that I know all the warning signs. Cocked eyebrow, tone of voice... it took me a while to learn all the signals that you were trying to draw me into something, but I figured it out."
Lois smiled and shook her head. "I hate being predictable. You're going to force me to change the way I do things just to put one over on you."
"Lois, believe me when I say that you are anything but predictable. You're just walking in the steps you've already taken. That's not predictability, it's unfortunate circumstances."
"You're telling me," Lois mumbled. She walked a few steps so that she could see into the living room. "Hey, Jordan, are you going to want any of the food daddy is making?"
"No, mommy."
Lois walked back into the kitchen and took the plate Clark was holding out for her. She leaned back against the counter and devoured the pieces of bacon on the plate before getting around to the eggs. After forking some eggs into her mouth, she pointed her utensil at Clark. "What have I not done?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she said around another bite, "what have I not done? What actions can I take where I would not be walking in the steps I've already taken, as you put it? What can I do to be myself, but not be exactly the same?"
"Why do you want to change?"
"Because you know me better than I do!"
Lois looked away from Clark and took another bite of eggs. That wasn't supposed to have come out like that. Apparently she was going to have trouble staying calm now, and that was going to annoy her endlessly. And, of course, that would keep her from staying calm. Endless circles like this were really things that Lois liked to avoid.
Lois looked up at Clark as he moved over and leaned up against the counter next to her. He smiled at her softly. "That was kind of out of the blue."
"I didn't really mean to sound so angry. Sorry about that."
"Not a problem. I've heard you a lot angrier, and a lot of times I caught the end of it because you were frustrated." She started to apologize, but he held up a hand. "Not complaining, just telling you how it's been. I'm more curious as to why you think I know you better than you know yourself."
"Because I don't know everything I've done. I like to think that I've adapted to everything fairly well, and for that I mostly have you and Jordan, along with Chloe and her family, to thank. You've all made everything as easy as it can possibly be. I will be eternally grateful for that, probably ten times over. You've told me the real big things in my life that I need to know."
Lois finished off her eggs and put the plate down behind herself before continuing. "As valuable as all that knowledge is, and as much as I need to know those things, missing the small things that have happened in my life is almost more painful. The big things make ripples in our lives, but without knowing all the small things, like how we've interacted during our relationship, I'm going to be doing things over and over again. Forever.
"Somehow, I've become the living embodiment of the saying 'Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.' I literally can't learn from what I've done. While my family, mostly you and Chloe, knows what I have and haven't done and have learned from it, I'm going to repeat my actions time and time again.
"What might be the most frustrating thing about all this is knowing that I'll never be able to learn things about you and be an equal partner in this relationship."
"Equal partner? Lois, if anything..."
"Clark, it can take years to learn people's quirks, and I have no doubt you're the same. In the time it will take me to learn all of yours, how much time am I going to have left before I forget? Will I even have the chance to learn them all before it happens again? Yeah, I mean, I know a few of yours from being your friend, but I wasn't ever in a position to bother to notice more than a few."
Lois sighed and leaned over into Clark, letting her eyes close for a second. "I just wish that I could get to know you as well as you know me and have it last."
She felt Clark's arms wrap around her, and she buried her face in him. He smelled so good, and had this silent comforting thing down. It made sense, since over the years she'd probably needed quite a bit of comfort for this same kind of spiel.
And there it was again. Would she ever have the chance to do anything for the first time again? All she needed was something small and she'd be fine. There had been her talk about making love after the first time they'd done that and Clark saying that she'd never done that before, but she was greedy and wanted one more thing. Maybe two.
Grumbling at herself, she pulled her face out of Clark's clothing and looked up at him. "Sorry I cut you off. I was rolling and didn't want to lose momentum before I got it all out."
"That's alright. All I was going to say that calling us equal partners in this is giving me way too much credit. You are very much in charge of this whole operation."
"When I'm not forgetting."
"Even with that, once you knew the basics this time around, you didn't try to make excuses for yourself. You figured everything out and started taking the lead. It may seem like I know you better, or that you're doing a lot more following than leading, but give it time. I know it sucks to hear that, but time fixes things. Stuff you notice now will be things you pay no attention to come another month or two."
Lois rested her head against Clark again, letting herself smile at how comfortable his embrace was. It was so easy to lose herself in him. She didn't know if she was happy that she'd found somebody to lose herself into or disturbed that she'd become somebody that could lose herself in a man. Damned if it wasn't a great thing, though.
"How about we go upstairs and get the rest of our bedroom set up? You don't even have to empty all the boxes. Just tell me where you want stuff and it'll be there soon after."
"You usually have something better to offer for comfort than that, Smallville." She looked up at him through her eyelashes. "You think Chloe and Bruce will mind watching Jordan?"
Lois laid on her side, catching her breath as Clark wrapped his arms around her. "That was like eighteen times better than unpacking."
"Only eighteen? When we moved into the apartment it was forty two times better." He sighed dramatically and rested his head on her. "My skills are slipping as the years go by."
"If your skills are slipping, I am envious of myself. The sentences I'm forming right now? All the mental and physical strength I can muster. The only part of me that isn't lips or tongue that can move right now is AJ, and technically, not me doing the moving."
"I can feel that," he murmured into her ear. The hand that was resting where AJ was kicking slowly moved from her stomach to her hip and Clark started kissing down her neck. She arched back into him and grinned a moment before speaking.
"You just keep going an going, don't you?"
"Chloe and Bruce are watching Jordan for the whole afternoon, and that means we have the house all to ourselves for more time than usual. It means I have my wife all to myself for the afternoon, and I am not going to waste a minute of it messing with boxes."
Lois bit her lip as he started sucking lightly on the place where her collarbone met her neck, closing her eyes and moaning in her throat. "Well, when you put it that way, your wife is happy to not waste time on boxes."
"Alright, you've obviously been holding out on me." Lois rubbed at her wet hair with a towel, getting it to feel a little more dry before settling the cloth along her bare shoulders. She watched as Clark tied his towel around his waist and walked over to her.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean shower sex! Why have you waited until now to shower me with shower sex? That was definitely up there at the forty two level you were talking about earlier."
"Come to think of it, when you said forty two last time, there was a shower involved. Weird."
"Why's it weird?"
"I was just thinking about the number of times you've been in peril..."
Lois held up a finger, prompting him to stop. "I've never been in peril. Danger, maybe, but never peril."
Clark nodded as he spoke. "Right. After all the life threatening situations you've been in with water, before and after the attack, I'm just kind of surprised that the water does it for you. More surprising is the fact that it took me this many years to figure it out."
She saw him roll his eyes at himself before dropping his towel and pulling on some boxers and jeans. Just the glimpse of him before he'd pulled them on... what the hell was wrong with her? If they kept going like this she was going to need a vagina transplant in a few years because hers was not going to survive. Had to be better than letting it die of neglect, she figured.
Shaking her head at herself, she looked up at Clark's face. "Honestly, I've never made a connection between my seemingly perpetual danger involving water and the fact that I really like shower sex. Fact is, before you, it was just alright. With you, I very pleasurably lose muscle control."
Just as she finished her sentence, her stomach growled extremely audibly. Frowning, she noticed for the first time since Clark had dropped Jordan off with Chloe that she was hungry. The fact was apparently not lost on Clark, either, as in the blink of the eye he was holding out a banana to her. "I know it's not much, but I figured I could make you something resembling a meal while you devour that and get dressed."
"Good call," she said around a bite of the fruit. He grinned and kissed her on the cheek before grabbing a t-shirt and walking out of the room. Lois let herself slump a little before taking another bite. Watching him walk away had made her ache a little bit, and if she hadn't been so hungry she would have called him back so they could continue their afternoon.
Finishing off her banana, Lois dropped the peel in the garbage can in the bathroom before walking to the closet. Clark had been kind enough to get all their clothes hung up the night before, and she grabbed one of the pairs of pregnancy jeans he'd put out for her. All jeans were not created equal, and as she slipped into these she was reminded of that fact. They just weren't as good.
She slipped a shirt on and headed out of the room, going down the stairs and walking over to the kitchen. When she walked in, she was greeted with a plate covered with a grilled cheese sandwich. It didn't last long, but it was replenished three times over and that seemed like a decent snack before dinner.
"What are we doing for dinner, Smallville?"
"Bruce and Chloe are grilling steaks. They're calling it a welcome to the neighborhood dinner."
Lois licked her lips. "I'm calling it tasty. What time is it?"
"Four."
"And when is steak time?"
"Whenever you and Chloe run out of snack food."
"You're hilarious."
Clark smiled at her and opened up the fridge, grabbing the milk and pouring himself a glass. "You could always call over there and ask Chloe when she thinks she'll be hungry. My guess is sooner rather than later." He was sipping at his drink when his head turned and he got his soon-to-be-leaving look.
"What happened?"
"A train derailed just outside Manhattan. It was carrying all sorts of toxic materials."
"What the hell was a train full of toxic materials doing in New York City? And why can't Diana handle it?"
In a blink, Clark was in his suit. "Not that Manhattan, the one here in Kansas. Kansas State University is there. I don't know how long this will take, but if I should help with the cleanup. Save me some steak." And with that, he disappeared from sight. May as well be turning invisible if he's going to move that quickly. Not that he needed another power.
Lois walked over to the phone, reaching to grab it but stopping herself. She could wait a little while to make the call over to the Wayne residence. She walked over to the couch and pulled the diary out from between the cushions as she sat down.
Before getting the chance to open it, the phone rang. Lois stuffed the diary back down in the cushions and got up again, walking over to answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Is it safe for us to come over, or are you two still ravaging each other?"
Lois sighed before speaking. "All ravaging is done, Chloe. Clark had to go to Manhattan and help with a derailed train toxic cleanup. Manhattan, Kansas, not the one in New York."
"Was about to comment on that. Anyway, Jordan spilled juice on her clothes and didn't want to wear the twins clothes, even though they are the same size. Thus, I am calling to see if we could get the all clear from you."
"All clear. You want me to come get her?"
"That's ok, I'll bring her over."
A couple minutes later, Chloe walked in with Jordan, who was indeed covered with wet splotches on the front of her pants, and figured her shirt probably looked similar under the coat. Lois smiled as Jordan walked up to her. "Been partying hard, baby girl?" Jordan nodded, though Lois wasn't sure she fully grasped the meaning of the phrase. "I thought so. We need to unsticky you before dinner."
Chloe smiled at Lois. "And on that note, I'll leave you two to do your thing. What time do you want to do steaks, Lo?"
"We'll probably be back over at your place in about an hour, so if steaks are cooking or just getting done then, that would be great."
"Sounds about right. I'll talk to Bruce and we'll get things going. See ya later."
Lois gave a wave as Chloe walked out and turned her attention to Jordan. "What say we rinse you off, baby girl?"
"Do I have to take a bath?"
"I don't think so. We can just use a wash cloth and warm water for this."
Lois pulled off Jordan's coat and led her upstairs to the master bathroom, getting Jordan down to her usual level of stickiness before getting her into some new clothes. She carried her downstairs and they sat down on the couch, Jordan curled up in her mother's lap. Lois looked down at her a second.
"Did you take a nap today, Jordan?" She felt her little head shake against her body and figured Jordan must be tired from playing with her cousins all afternoon. She slowly stroked her hair and ran her fingers softly over her back, humming to her quietly. Jordan was asleep before Lois could even figure out what she was humming. She got Jordan laying down at the other end of the couch and covered her with a blanket from a nearby chair. It was late for a nap, but she wouldn't make it through dinner awake if the nap didn't happen.
Pulling the diary out again, Lois moved over to the now vacant chair and sat down. She crackled a few knuckles in a clichéd but satisfying way before opening the diary. She was almost to the next entry when she heard a knock at the front door. She let the diary fall shut as she fought the urge to growl in annoyance, looking to Jordan to make sure the knocking hadn't disturbed her nap. She pushed herself out of the chair and did her best not to stomp to the door.
She opened the door to be greeted by a woman that looked to be fifty, give or take five years. She got smiled at with a big grin, and Lois smiled at her, though she kept it tight mouthed.
"Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself and welcome you to the neighborhood. I'm Patty Greenberg, from three doors that way." She pointed the opposite direction of Chloe's house. She held out a hand, and Lois took it, giving it a quick shake.
"Lois Lane Kent, nice to meet you."
"Lois Lane Kent? The writer for the Daily Planet?"
"That would be me, yes." Lois smiled at her again, this time figuring she should show some teeth and actually make a decent effort.
"Oh, that's just wonderful. I love your articles with your husband, Clark." Lois nodded politely and the woman began speaking again. "I really do enjoy your work. The article you two did on the City Councilmen recently was just great work."
"Thank you very much. We just try to do the best we can."
"Well, you two are fantastic. You do so much good for our city and we're lucky to have you." When she stopped speaking, her cheeks flushed and she looked away for a second. "I sound ridiculous. I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you."
Lois smiled at her, this time the most genuine of the three. "Not at all. I don't get recognized all that often, and it's nice to hear that somebody thinks we're doing things correctly."
"I appreciate that. Anyway, I'm sorry that I'm probably the last one around here to introduce myself, but I just got back in town from visiting family about an hour ago. We've got kind of a small town feel around here, real friendly and such, and I always seem to be the slacker that is last to introduce herself to the new people."
"I think the small town feel is why my husband likes it around here so much. He grew up in Smallville, a couple hours outside the city."
"I've heard of it. They seemed to have some strange happenings there through the years. Two meteor storms... what are the odds?"
"Astronomical," Lois said. "Excuse me a second." Lois walked inside the house and checked on Jordan, who was still sleeping on the couch. She walked back to the door and stepped one foot outside. "Come on in from the cold, we can talk in the kitchen."
Patty followed her inside and Lois led them into the kitchen. Looking around , Lois realized that she didn't really have anything to offer for the woman to drink. She turned around and faced her. "Sorry I don't have any coffee to warm you up. I've been laying off, since I tend to be all or nothing and I don't believe in decaf, and Clark has decided to abstain with me."
"Don't worry about it, I'm fine." She paused a second before speaking. "Do you mind if I ask how far along you are?"
Lois smiled and shook her head. "Not at all. 21 weeks."
"Is that all? Wow. Are you having twins?"
"Nope, I just get big early. It was the same with our daughter Jordan."
"How old is she?"
"Three." Lois pointed back towards the living room. "That's actually why I came in here a minute ago. She was playing over at the Wayne's house all afternoon and tired herself out. Later than her usual nap, but better having her fall asleep in the middle of dinner."
Patty smiled at her. "Oh, so you met the Wayne's? They're new in the neighborhood, too. Actually added on to the house, they did. I was surprised to see Bruce Wayne and his family moving in around here."
"Well, that's his wife's doing. Chloe is from Metropolis, originally, before she moved to Smallville."
"Did she really? Your husband is from there, right?" Lois nodded. "Did they know each other while they were there?"
"Best friends, actually. She's how I met Clark, back in 2004" Patty frowned, not seeming to understand. Lois then remembered what she hadn't said. "Chloe's my cousin. I went to see her once and ended up staying with Clark's family through some odd circumstances. She's also a writer for the Daily Planet, going by Chloe Sullivan."
Patty nodded, seeming to get the name. "I like her articles, too, though not quite as much as yours. You two must be close to be living on the same street."
Lois smiled. "I'm as close to her as I am my sister. Maybe closer. I wouldn't have a lot of things in my life without Chloe's help."
"So you and Clark must have been together for quite a while now if you were introduced back in 2004."
"Actually, it hasn't been that long." Boy, was that the truth. "We didn't actually ever get together until years later, when both of us had done some growing up. Back then, he was enamored with his home town sweetheart and I thought he had too much farm in him to ever end up with a city girl like myself. Plus, I was a little aimless. We both figured out where we needed to be, though, and it brought us together."
That sounded a lot like something Clark would say. Amazing how much influence he seemed to have over her. It wasn't even intentional, probably.
"My first husband was a farmer, actually, so I know what you mean by having too much farm in 'em. Well, I won't take up any more of your time. It was really nice meeting you, Mrs. Kent."
"Please, call me Lois."
"Only if you call me Patty. I'll see you around, Lois."
Lois followed her as she exited, giving a small wave as she closed the door. Good lord, what the hell had happened? She'd started talking to the woman like she'd asked for a life story! She'd been nice enough, but she hadn't been that nice.
Grabbing a bottle of water, Lois walked back out to the living room and sat down again. She took a few sips from the water bottle, watching Jordan as she thought. Was the opening up something that happened because of AJ? She'd been a little scatterbrained now and then, sure, but she'd never been big on offering up information. Maybe this was something happy people did. Not that she'd been unhappy previously, but she'd never been this happy before, despite all circumstances.
Walking back into the living room, Lois watched Jordan a second before sitting down in the chair again and grabbing the diary. She was going to read this thing if it killed her. Opening it up, she paused a second. No telephones ringing, no knocking at the door and no husbands zooming in yet. A good sign. Usually she was interrupted by this point. She flipped to the page she wanted, waited a second for any last minute intrusions, then looked down at the dairy.
March 15th, 2021
I don't know that I can remember a three year span in my life that has been anything like the three years it has been since I last lost my memory. This, of course, is not helped by the fact that I can't remember anything after June 7 of '08, but of what I do remember, this has been about the craziest three years I can remember.
I know that earlier in this diary my former self talked about what a crazy period of time that we all went through. The marriage, the twins birth and us getting pregnant is a big, crazy time, and it all happened in six weeks! Had to be intense.
But I had a baby. I gave birth. A person literally came out of me.
I don't know if you can grasp how huge this is, because I don't know if it has happened to you. I don't know if you've just started experiencing motherhood with Jordan. I don't know what you have and haven't been through. I wish I did, so that you would be able to grasp how huge it is that this happened, that I experienced it.
What I do know is that you know how we felt about motherhood. Let me say, Jordan is two and a half and we've yet to screw her up. Clark is great at keeping me from doing any damage, though I do like to think that if it were just Jordan and I, there wouldn't be any psychological damage that wouldn't fade with time.
On the note of time, though, it's started creeping into the back of mine that my time may be limited. Not in the I'm going to die sense so much as I'm going to forget. The two times before this, it was less than three years and closer to two. Well, the last one was, and that appears to be because I was pregnant. Before that, two years and eight months was the shortest. Of course, time before that was four years, four and a half months.
Really, I could be irrational and blame my latter two memory losses on Clark. When he wasn't around making me fall in love with him, I went four plus without forgetting. He got back, started with the wooing and suddenly I can't make it three years without losing my memory. Well, not until this time.
Wow, that is all kinds of ridiculous. I prefer to be happy and forgetful.
Anyway, as I was saying before I got off on my tangent, I don't know how much longer I have with my memory. I hate it, and I do my best not to think about it. I don't think Clark knows it's on my mind, though I wouldn't be surprised if he did. The man seems to know me better than he knows himself at times, big lovable guy that he is. It'd be cooler if I knew him just as well.
Not knowing what triggers it, I could get set off by anything. I might eat Thai food and forget later that night. It might be reading Jordan a new book that sets things off. We just don't know.
What I do know is that I can't let it rule my life. As much as I want to think about it and try to figure out what could make it happen, it's more important that I focus on my daughter. She is what matters, not me. Hell, if I need to forget to keep her safe, it happens.
I want to remember my own daughter, of course. There's nothing in the world more important to me than she is. What that means, as you well know, is that I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Technically, I would do the same for all my family members, but the urge to protect them has never been anything compared to this.
I hope, so much, that I am telling you things that you already feel. If you're not, give it ten more minutes and that should do the trick. She's really very lovable, much like her father. If you are, then you know what I'm saying.
Pretty overwhelming at first, wasn't it? I don't really know what happened. One minute, I was me. The next, there was a little girl that was half me that I had to protect. I didn't even realize how I felt at first. It was just the way it was, and my mind took it in step without question. It took six months before I really thought about it. I thought about what it meant and I came to the conclusion that it was mind cloudingly strong.
As much as I tried, I couldn't seem to figure it out. It just... was. It was there, and it was and is there to stay. I feel it no less strongly after considering the how and why of it so much, I just feel more aware of it.
Yeah, you're probably saying 'What the hell are you doing wasting all that time on the deep thinking when you could be out breaking a story or playing with Jordan?' All I have to say is that I've been trying to understand myself as a mother. For years, the concept terrified me. It was almost taboo to mention. Then, I wake up three years ago, pregnant, and I was terrified. I don't know if Clark's story properly get it across, because I lived it, and it was all kinds of whoa.
I had months to get used to pregnant, and by the time I was used to it I was sick of it and ready for her to be born. Then she was, very quickly. Before I knew it, months had passed and I'd been so wrapped up in Jordan that I didn't even realize I'd become a whole new person. I was mommy now. It was total, unequivocal and final. I loved it.
It made me feel like I had done something better than I could have ever hoped to. Through the sleepless nights, I was frustrated, but it had nothing to do with not sleeping (well, maybe a little to do with not sleeping.) I was frustrated that I couldn't give Jordan what she wanted so that she would be able to sleep. It sucked. I never realized it, though, until I did really think about what it meant to be a mom.
Now that I've been thinking about it for about two years, I wish I could say I knew what meant what. I don't. I don't know that I ever would if I had ten years to think about it. It's still just the way things are, the end. God, I'm loathe to write it, but it's basically instinct.
I hate attributing things to instinct. It's like saying I knew how to do it all along and the only things I needed to learn were how to strap in a baby seat, change a diaper and swaddle. Motherhood can't possibly be that simple. I know it's not, because I'm living it. But I can't seem to boil it down to anything else. It bugs the hell out of me.
(The few things I attribute to instinct are hunger, thirst and sex. They are basic, primal things. Technically, motherhood is pretty primal too, but I don't want to group it in there. It's too... easy, I guess.)
I'm not going to pretend and say that I did this all by myself. That would be pure idiocy and an outright lie. There were times that I felt I wasn't doing something right only to have it pointed out by Clark, Chloe, Martha or any number of other people that I was, in fact, doing it correctly. Yay family. But doing what's best for the baby right off the bat, the want to protect her forever... I don't know what I could call that but instinct. It annoys.
Upon reading what I've written, I find once again that Jordan dominates. While it is technically related to the topic, which is the three year anniversary of the last time I forgot, it's not exactly what I had in mind when I sat down to write this. After my written annoyance with instinct, though, I can't remember what the hell I wanted to say originally.
As such, I bid you adieu. Here's hoping you've already found the happiness I have.
Lois shut the diary and frowned. Why hadn't she ever thought about motherhood like that? She'd had plenty of time to think about just what exactly motherhood entailed and how it had seemed to hit her full bore that first night. But once it hit her, she really hadn't thought about the why behind it. It just was the way things were now. Jordan came first.
What an odd concept. How could something be so instantaneous and all encompassing? She would definitely have to ask Clark if being a father felt the same way. Had this been fifteen years ago, she'd have been certain he would have give it a great deal of thought in his loft. Now, he'd probably thought about it, but she wasn't sure how in depth he would have gone.
Looking around the room, Lois couldn't find a clock so she got up and started rummaging through boxes as quietly as she could to find out what time it was. When she finally found the clock, it said that she and Jordan were due over at the Wayne household.
Resigning herself to the task of waking Jordan up, Lois walked over to the couch. She stopped in front of it, watching Jordan for a second. She really looked so much like Clark that it was scary, especially when she couldn't see her eyes. She leaned down and gently pulled some of her hair off her face, smiling as she watched her sleep. Jordan would always come first, along with AJ when he was born. It was simple as that.
Getting down on her knees, Lois started running her hand gently over Jordan's back. One thing she'd noticed was that Jordan really like to sleep on her stomach. She couldn't remember if she had done the same when she was young, and doubted her father would know. Maybe it had been something Clark did. Or, maybe Jordan was just her own little person. That seemed most likely, but it wouldn't hurt to ask Martha..
"Jordan. Come on, baby girl, it's time to wake up." Jordan started to stir, whining a little bit as she turned her head away from Lois. She bent down and kissed Jordan on top of the head. "It's time to get up, Jordan. Your mom probably shouldn't have let you nap in the first place, but she has a soft spot for you."
Jordan rubbed at an eye and turned back towards her. She held out her arms and Lois grabbed her gently and lifted her off the couch. Standing up as she got Jordan settled, she felt the little girl lay her head down on her shoulder. "Come on, Jordan, no more sleeping. We're going over to Aunt Chloe and Uncle Bruce's house to eat some dinner. How does steak sound?"
"Tired."
"The steak sounds tired, does it? Poor steak."
As she started walking towards the door, she spotted Jordan's coat and suddenly remembered that it was quite chilly outside and well on its way to being dark. Grumbling internally, Lois put Jordan down and got her coat on, with very little help from the person getting coated, and slipped her feet into her shoes before picking Jordan up again.
"Alright. Let's go eat some steak and play with our cousins. What do you say?"
"Tired."
Rolling her eyes at herself for expecting anything else, Lois locked the door behind her. "I figured. Don't you want to play with your cousins?" She felt Jordan nod, and smiled. "Good, because I bet they want to play with you." She paused in her speech, but kept walking. "I love you so much, Jordan."
"I love you too, mommy."
Lois's heart swelled. Such a simple thing to hear, and such an amazing feeling that accompanied it. Her children would always come first.
