A/N: So, I have been updating this one as well as Wammy High. For those who don't know. I will make sure you are aware that I may have started a few things on the side here that won't get addressed. I lost all of my original work a while back and and kinda rebuilding it. Though, I can promise the things that are coming are worth it! Also, yes, I did change my name. It's no longer NessaYume, but PrussianTails. Still me. I am just taking steps to be happy in my life and actually being me. I just recently came out to my friends and family as Transgender. The only one I still have to talk to is my mom. She is coming for a visit and I think she deserves this talk to be in person rather than text or phone. Though, I have already spoken to a psychologist and gotten my letter to take to the doctor to see about hormone therapy and what not. Only set back really is seeing what my insurance will and will not cover and going from there. But.. In time. My job complete supports me, which is a HUGE relief. Anyways.. Onward to the story!
Chapter 6: Helpless
Matt wasn't sure he had ever laughed so much in his entire life. He had been enjoying a day out with his best friends, and his secret boyfriend. A sort of secret double date, since him and Mello couldn't be affectionate in public now that the paparazzi were always watching. But he did get to enjoy just being able to relax around their two friends. B and Naomi for their part didn't hold back at any opportunity to tease the couple when they knew no one else could over hear.
Yet, at the same time, a whirlwind of anxiety was swirling through him. He was noticing the look in Mello's eyes when he would catch the icy stare on him. It had.. changed.. slightly.. To anyone on the outside, it could pass for a fondness in friendship. To Matt, however, he was drowning in the feelings Mello wished to convey. And it scared him. The more he thought about how used to a situation he could get, reality would crash back over him and he would turn away from them all to recover. The concern he found swimming in that same sky blue gaze was enough to tear him apart inside with guilt. He didn't deserve Mello's concern. The crimson gaze he found on himself was full of disappointment, and it only served to stir the shame.
Finally, they were meeting up with the rest of the band at a possible venue, and Matt was equally relieved and disappointed. When they walked into the deserted club, they could hear the others excitedly talking, and B pushed him back behind him and Naomi as a pair of arms wrapped around him. Mello turned him around and captured his lips in a kiss that made him melt into his leather clad body and his own hands ran down to cup his firm ass, squeezing lightly.
"I wanted at least one kiss before we can't even look at each other." Mello chuckled. Matt smirked and kissed him again before they followed after B and Naomi, making sure to not allow too much time between to be suspicious. Matt pulled a cigarette out of his pack in his pocket and lit it as they came to stand near the other band members.
"I still can't believe you are here of all places! This is great, I can't wait-" Misa was rambling, cut off as her attention moved to his lighter as the flames licked the end of his cigarette. Upon seeing him, her eyes swiveled excitedly next to him to land on her brother. She clapped and called out, "Mello! Look who Misa-Misa found!" She gestured next to her and Matt felt Mello's body go stiff momentarily.
"Good to see you, Mello." The man smirked. He had longer, wavy blond hair and light blue eyes like the Russian siblings. Stubble graced his chin and cheeks, and he was dressed in a more casual (if suits came casual) suit. It fit his body well, showing off his muscles in all the right places, and Matt couldn't stand the way his eyes raked over Mello's form. It was familiar in a way, yet he could see them stop on the slight differences For once, he wished Mello wasn't wearing his leather.
"Aiber!" Mello gave a small grin in return, slightly shocking the red head. He had expected the man to be greeted with he same stoic face and attitude his boyfriend was known for. Though, he would have been happy if it had been left at that. Aiber, apparently, wasn't.
"Is that the kind of welcome I get after so many years?" The man asked, pulling Mello into a tight hug. Slight satisfaction flaring in Matt's chest as he noticed Mello attempt to push away, even if it was in failure before he signed and loosely hugged the man back. "That's more like it!" Aiber trimmed widely and let his hands fall down and brush over the same ass Matt himself had just been squeezing. Mello jumped and pushed away again, a blush on his cheeks.
"Aiber!" This time the name was said in warning with a solid punch in the arm.
"Oh come one, we've done worse." Aiber grinned slyly at Mello, taking a hit from his own cigarette he had dangling between his fingers. Mello didn't answer and instead looked away, his blush deepening. A cough sounded and all eyes were drawn to Beyond, who looked annoyed at the entire situation.
"Who the fuck is this guy?" He asked dryly. Matt wanted to hug his friend tightly.
"Oh!" Misa chimed in, a smile brightly lighting her face. "Aiber is a friend of Misa and Mello's uncle. He also owns this concert hall that we hope to play in in a few months." She recited excitedly.
"Well, I would be stupid to refuse. Focus is huge right now, and I know you'd sell me out even if I doubled my ticket prices. Really, we just have to hammer out a contract." His eyes slid from Misa and Beyond back to Mello. A smirk pulled at his lips once more. "I defiantly think this can be negotiated well, however." Mello blushed again, and it was starting to piss Matt off as he saw it flare up. "Why don't we all go out to dinner and discuss things further?" Aiber suggested. Misa excitedly agreed, volunteering Mello as well.
"And you get to officially meet my boyfriend, Teru!" She squealed, hugging said man's arm to her tightly. Aiber raised a brow and smiled.
"So this is the man who has earned your heart, then?" His gaze shifted to Mello again. "What about you, anyone special?" Mello stared back for a moment, not glancing at Matt or showing any emotions outwardly.
"No." He said simply, gut twisting in anguish. Matt felt his chest clench.
"Well, as fun as tonight sounds, I really need to head back to the base and finish a few songs since we have the big concert coming up soon as well as the recording session. See ya." He turned and started to walk out without looking back.
"What's with him?" Sayu asked in concern as she watched him walk out. Beyond sighed as well before kissing Naomi once.
"I'll stay with him." He said, sending a discreet glare at Mello and followed after his best friend.
"He's just had a bad day." Naomi covered up easily. Mello felt sick. He knew that was a straight lie, and he wanted to comfort his boyfriend. But what excuse could he make to get out of it? He had nothing.
"Ah, well, next time. Aiber spoke and draped an arm over Mello's shoulders and led them out towards his limo.
~*~line~*~
"That fucking arrogant and narsasstic jerk off! I'll rip his balls out through his asshole, chop off his dick, and shove it down his throat. Hoe dare he touch Mello like that!" Matt was ranging, waving a new bottle of beer in the air as he did so. The red head had made his way through quite a few at this point, and showed no signs of stopping. Currently, he was wearing a whole into the carpet as he paced back and forth in the game and music room at Wammy House. Beyond sat on the couch watching, slightly amused at his colorful language.
"You know, you could just stake your claim on Mello's ass so no one else can do that." He said nonchalantly. Matt stopped and it looked as thought the thought was appealing before he shook his head and drained half his beer bottle.
"You know I can't." He growled and plopped down into his favorite bean bag chair.
"You can." Beyond stated matter of fact. "You're just too chicken shit still. I really don't get it, Matt. Mello is head over heals for you and you're just as far gone. He's not Near, and it's ok for you to be happy together." He spoke, packing a bong full of greens. Matt looked up at him and shook his head.
"I can't." He repeated.
"Whatever. If we are doing this tonight while the others are out partying it up.. Let's get trashed. That way when you think about the things Mello is not allowing that Aiber douche to do, but you still fear, we'll be high as fuck and at least partially amused." He groaned, taking a hit. Matt gratefully took the bong after.
"It's why I love you, man." He said, taking his own hit.
"Not the one you need to say that to, bro." Beyond said, and Matt pretended the stinging in his eyes was from taking a hard hit rather than the hard hit in his chest.
~*~line~*~
The others arrived back at Wammy House hours later. Matt and Beyond were zoned out in a game of Super Smash Brothers Brawl when they came in.
"Damn, how much did they smoke?" Sayu asked, holding up a few empty plastic bags. Naomi moved around and leaned in, giving Beyond a kiss on the cheek. The man jumped, startled before smiling at his fiancé, dropping his controller.
"Ah, babe! Don't sneak up on me like that!" He cried out, kissing her in return. Matt remained in his game, beating the CPU as Beyond had already died from his distraction before his own gaze turned towards the others. Slowly his mouth split into a wide grin.
"Hey, guys!" He spoke, lighting a free joint. Mello had made himself comfortable on the couch and Naomi pulled back when she was met by the amount of redness in Beyond's own gaze.
"Uh oh, I think I'm in trouble with the wife." Beyond said seriously before him and Matt both went into a fit of giggles.
"They smoked themselves stupid." Misa stated, "Teru, take me home." Mikai nodded and guided her out. The others followed slowly until only Mello and Naomi remained with them. They called their goodbyes to their departing friends before remembering Beyond's last comment.
"She isn't your wife yet." Matt pushed with a sudden matter of fact tone, earning a round of shushing from his friend.
"Careful, I think you're wife is even more pissed off." He said. They both laughed again as they looked at Mello, reclining on the couch. His eyes glared deeply into Matt as he watched him joke with his friend.
"Hmm, but he looks so hot like this." He stated before crawling over to his boyfriend. He took another hit from his joint before running his hands up Mello's thighs. The blond shifted and took the joint from his fingers before slapping his hands away roughly.
"I can't fucking believe you!" He growled, keeping his voice as low as he could. "Did you seriously get jealous tonight?" He asked, sitting up straight in his seat. Matt sat back on his hunches and just stared at him. Mello took a drag from the joint he had taken and allowed his eyes to roam over Matt. They sat there for a few minutes as they allowed Mello to finish the joint off before he tossed the roach in the ash tray and leaned forward. Matt's goggles were pushed up off his eyes to reveal blood shot emeralds that were filled with pain.
"So what?" He whispered, the conversation more sobering than he liked.
"So what?! Are you kidding me? Need I remind you that it's all a secret because you want it to be? You could've publicly claimed to be fucking my ass months ago and I never would've stopped you! I've watched people fawn over you left and right. Fuck, I was here for your break up with Near! I had to watch you run off with that twit every other night and you were actually fucking him! One man shows interest in me and you lose your shit?!" Mello took a deep breath to steady his thoughts, knowing he probably shouldn't have said half the things he had said.
"Oh, don't act like you never fucked that asshole, I could tell!" Matt accused stupidly. Mello flared up one more.
"You want to know? Yeah, I fucked him. He was a casual fuck when I lived at my uncle's house on a long term basis. And yeah, he is interested in striking that up again. But you know, I had this stupid thought about how I'm in love with you and refused him. Guess I'm crazy to ever think that one day you just might return those feelings!" He growled out in anger before he stood and walked out of the room. Matt was left on his knees on the floor before the couch staring at the spot Mello used to sit. Shock radiated throughout his body as Mello's words rang through out his entire being. Beyond and Naomi sat as silent as possible, afraid to disturb him for a long time.
"Matt?" Naomi finally spoke. The red head jolted with an angry growl as he slammed his fist into the couch. He continued to cry out and punch the cushion until his yells turned to sobs and his fists fell limp around his body. Naomi and Beyond were up and by him in an instant in attempts to comfort him.
"I need my guitar, please." Matt finally spoke evenly, all emotion gone.
"Sure." Naomi stood and grabbed his acoustic from it's stand and brought it back. Matt pulled himself back into a seat and strummed it, losing himself in the music his fingers created. They both say there in silence as they listened to the sporadic music meld together into a melody. It wasn't long before Matt's lips started to form words, and his very soul cried the lyrics.
Why can't you see I'm just no good at these things?
I want to love you like the man I'm supposed to be.
But you don't mean these conversations get boring
The fake, pathetic workings like consistency.
You turn and ask me
Why don't you hold me baby, oh oh baby
My cool is melting away and I'm making a mess
You can't see me like this
Helpless helpless
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
Mello leaned against the wall outside the game room, listening. He felt bad, but he never was sure how the red head felt about him anymore. When he heard him cry out, he couldn't help but stop as he fought himself on whether or not he should head back to his boyfriend and reassure him that he loved him and wanted to be with him. He couldn't help himself when Matt had asked for his guitar, he knew this was his chance to learn something from inside his boyfriends head, and he waited. Shock filled his body as he listened, wondering how long he had been thinking along these lines.
Leave me alone, I know I'm not making sense
But I know I can't let you come any closer
It's my security, it's my self defense
I keep on doing all this over and over
You turn and ask me
Just get to know my baby, oh oh baby
I turn away and pretend that I'm doing just fine
But you're inside my mind
And I'm
Helpless helpless
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
A weight lifted from Matt as he sang the words he wished he could say to Mello. He was afraid. Near had fucked him up more than he cared to admit, and Mello was the one paying for it. He was honestly tired of hiding his true feelings and wanted nothing more than to do what Beyond was pushing him to do, but how? How could he take that final leap of faith and just be with Mello fully without his guard up ever?
I'm caught in the way we talk,
I'm never good enough
Your loves like a wrecking ball
And I don't want to break apart
Break apart, oh oh oh ohhh
Helpless helpless
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
Helpless helpless
What makes my wounded heart feel like this?
Helpless, I'm helpless when it comes to you
When it comes to you…
Matt broke off into a sob as he leaned back into his bean bag chair once more, completely exhausted. He heard Naomi whisper to Beyond that she was going to head upstairs and wait for him. She kissed his forehead as she walked out, and Beyond moved next to him.
"I'm afraid, B. I'm terri-fucking-fied." He admitted to his best friend. He heard a snort as an arm draped over his shoulders.
"No shit, Matty." He stated matter of fact. Matt couldn't help but let out a chuckle of his own as he leaned into the embrace. "But what scares you more? Being with Mello? Or being without him? Because if you keep this up, you'll lose him. He's proven to have an accessional amount of patience where you are concerned. And I have no doubt he loves you too. But a man can only take so much." He said evenly, watching for Matt's reaction. The red head sighed.
"I know. I don't even deserve him." Beyond chuckled.
"Don't do that. You deserve him, bro. You both deserve to be happy, and you make each other very happy. You have to be an idiot not to notice." Beyond stated. Matt sighed again, a few lone tears escaping his eyes.
"What if I already lost him, B?" Matt asked fearfully. Beyond hummed in thought.
"He's waited this long, man. I doubt you have, or he would've said so. Mello isn't the type to leave you hanging like that. However, I do think this could very well be your last chance. I'm not saying you have to tell the world tomorrow. He'll be ok with keeping it a secret just a while longer. But if you fuck up majorly again, he'll tell you to fuck off." He delivered the hard truth, and Matt appreciated it.
"I think you're right. How do I get through this, though? I'm scared as fuck." He groaned at the thoughts.
"Honestly?" Beyond questioned, pulling back to look at him. He smiled gently, "You just have to talk to him." Easier said than done.
~*~line~*~
When Naomi had left the room, she had encountered Mello outside. She cocked a brown at him as he held a finger up to beg her not to give him away. She sighed and roller her eyes, but nodded regardless.
"He's a mess." She stated the obvious. Mello stared blankly.
"He should be." Matter of fact. She couldn't help but smile a bit and shake her head.
"Aiber?" She questioned. Mello smirked.
"Married now." She covered her mouth to not laugh, but sighed again.
"Don't let him hate himself for too long." She asked, not bothering to hide her threat.
"I wouldn't dream of it." He answered honestly. She nodded and moved to walk away. "You know," Mello started. Naomi stopped and turned back to him, their eyes connecting. They had both over heard Beyond's advice to Matt. "He's right. I'm reaching my limit here. It's only because I love him that I'm going to forgive this one." They stared at one another for a moment longer before he pushed off the wall and moved past her. Naomi sighed as well and followed him up the stairs to go to Beyond's room. She did happily notice, however, that Mello went to the main guest room that Matt always stayed in.
(tbc)
A/N:
Song Used: "Helpless" by Neon Trees.
