"How could he?" I whispered it aloud, clutching the paper harder into my hands. It was right in front of me and I couldn't see it. How could I have missed something like this? Hot tears spilled over and down my cheeks, but I knew they weren't because I was sad. It was frustration and anger that took over my body. The paper was shaking and becoming blurry. My father… why would he do this? There was a knock on the door, snapping me out of my reverie. I wiped away my tears and folded the paper before setting it in my pocket. I splashed some water on my face from the kitchen sink and prayed my eyes weren't red from all those tears.

"Coming!" I yelled when there was another knock. When I opened the door, Sodapop was staring at me. There was an unbearable silence. Being face to face with Ponyboy's brother, who probably knew what was going on, wasn't on the top of my 'to do' list.

"What?" I asked, I was irritated enough as it was. He looked nervous and for once, his grin didn't seem to come up so fast. I uncrossed the arms that had been around my chest, starting to get worried.

"What?" My throat had that dry feeling again.

"Have you seen Pony… since yesterday?" I shook my head, in the back of my mind, I felt the surge of worry and concern, but forced it away.

"What would make you think he'd come here?" Maybe Ponyboy hadn't told Sodapop about anything I'd said.

"I thought that fight you had would be over." Maybe not. I wouldn't really classify it as a fight… it hadn't been a fight. I don't know what to call it, but it wasn't a fight.

"No." I shifted and leaned against the door frame. "So… where did he go?" Sodapop shook his head, which told me he didn't know.

"All I know is that Johnny killed a Soc." My mouth went dry. Johnny killed someone? Had the abuse he had from his father finally caused him to snap? "If you hear anything… will you call?"

"Yeah." I said and watched Sodapop turn around hesitantly and go down the steps slowly.

"Listen, Camille." He was debating again.

"Yeah."

"I don't think Pony was every really mad at ya." He walked to the truck and got in, pulling away. I stood in the same place, staring at the same place, but wishing I was somewhere else. If he hadn't ever been mad at me, then why did he ignore me? It was confusing, would it always be? Ponyboy was missing and I had this horrible feeling it was my fault. What surprised me most was that Johnny had killed someone… why would he do that? Had they attacked him and it was only self-defence? Or had he just attacked someone? I needed some fresh air.

It was cool and reflected how I felt. My feet went where they wanted and dragged me along with them. Eventually, we ended up at the park that Ponyboy had chased me into when he walked me home. Someone must've been here before, the place felt ominous. There was yellow tape between some trees, which was surprisingly still intact, blocking off most of the area. I didn't care though, and walked under it. Images from the day before swam through the front of my mind. Unbeknownst to me, I had stopped in the middle of the park and was staring blankly. Suddenly, everything felt heavy again and I fell to the ground, on my knees doubling over, and sobbing heavily. It wasn't fair. Wasn't that the saying of my life. This time I meant it with as much emotion as I could muster. It really wasn't fair. Johnny couldn't have killed that boy without a reason and Ponyboy wouldn't have gone with him if Johnny hadn't had a good reason, right? But they were like family and they weren't going to leave each other behind because of murder. I knew that and I'm sure Sodapop and Darry knew that. They knew if they found Johnny, they'd find Ponyboy and vice versa. Ponyboy wasn't even much of my friend, why was I crying over him? We'd had our moments, like anybody does. However, I knew the reason and I was kidding myself, it wasn't hard to figure out.

Sniffling, I wiped tears from my face. What kind of girl cries in a park because her friend, who she wasn't even talking to, is missing? Under these circumstances, probably everyone. I wasn't sobbing more, but my face was wet with hot tears and my eyes stung. I could hear the rustling in the leaves now and the lazy traffic on the street and farther away. The whole world seemed different now, as if it all had slowed down.

My life would go on, it always did. Ever since my mother died…that made me think about my father again. Anger flared in my mind and my gut, he was such an actor. All that time. I didn't even have to see the rest of my memory, I knew what had happened. I knew who had killed my mother and why he didn't kill me. It had been my father. How it came about, I wasn't sure, but I knew that she had to have found this letter. Upon confronting him, he must have tried to make it look like someone else did it.

"I hate him." My words stung myself, but that's how I felt. My father killed my mother and then left himself. He didn't leave because he missed her, he left to go find that other woman. My father, the one person I had left to trust, cheated on my mother, killed her, and then went to this other woman… What was her name? I unfolded the letter and scrunched my nose. Rose. How original. I felt complete and utter disdain for this woman. It was a rapid impulse that pushed me to tear the letter up, then dig a hole, right in the middle of the park. My hands hurt, the dirt wasn't packed softly, and I had more than enough dirt under my fingernails. When the hole did get deep enough, I realized that all the dirt I'd dug up was everywhere around me, so I spent the next ten minutes finding enough dirt to pack the hole with. It really did look like something was buried there. Oh well, now I wouldn't have to keep looking back at it. I really wanted to read the letter in my drawer, the one my father had left me.

I didn't want to go anywhere near that house. My sister, I needed to talk to her, but she wouldn't talk to me. That was expected and oh-so-predictable, but it hurt worse than anything, My heart wanted to explode out of my chest and my head ached. All this stress was really getting to me.

How long had I been sitting in this park? I stood up and brushed off my pants, when a voice made my blood freeze.

"Hey you!" I didn't turn around, but started to run. I ran through bushes and branches that hung from all the branches. Where was I going to go? Home. The word was echoing hollowly in my head. I had no home, everything had crashed. She had to know, she had to listen. I knew where she lived by heart, I'd spent hours debating whether I should visit her or not. When I did get there, my breath was catching in my throat. No hesitation. I stepped up to the door and knocked loudly.

There was a click and Amber stood in the doorway, her smiled fading as she saw me. There was silence and I didn't know how I looked. I knew my cheeks were still soaked and my face was probably red and irritated.

"Amber. Please." I was begging for her to listen. Her eyes were cold, I saw them change as soon as they set upon me.

Reaching a hand out to her, I whispered, "Please listen to me!" She got a hold of her senses and slammed the door, pushing my hand back with it.

"Please! Amber you have to listen to me! It's about Mom!"

"I don't care!" That's the first thing she said, "Go tell dad!"

"Amber! This is important! Listen to me!" I yelled, not caring who heard or saw me. All my weight was on the door, and I slammed a fist to the wood. This was my breaking point, my cloud had disappeared and I was falling to the ground, it was still nowhere in sight.

"I'll call the cops if you don't leave!" Amber yelled. It was an empty threat, it screamed fake.

"Listen to me." I whispered pleadingly, but loudly enough for her to hear through the door. Silence and then.

"Please leave." I pushed myself off the door and bolted down the steps, running back to my own house. Why was this happening?

------------

For the next few days I felt tired and empty. I'd poured all my emotion out and there wasn't anything left. By the time Monday pulled around, I was a ticking bomb, any little thing would set me off. I was waiting for it and it finally came. It was the same as any other day and I was walking down the same hall I always did. However, this time I heard something.

"Dirty greaser, he killed Bob. This is war now." My body froze and I stopped, turning slowly. I dropped my books onto the floor with a loud clatter. My hands balled into fists and my temper poured out through my words.

"You shut up." I clenched my teeth. They looked bewildered, but then one leaned in and whispered threateningly.

"What are you gonna do if I don't?" The rest chuckled and I clenched my fist back, pulling it back and punching him right in the nose. Despite his size, he stumbled backwards and his friends had to hold him up.

"That." I said, feeling triumph in the blood that fell from his nose.

"You bitch!" He was holding his nose and looking more outraged by the second.

"Don't talk if you can't back it up." I said and picked up my books before stalking away. Before the end of the day it was all around the school and I was now truly a greaser. The Socs hated me and the greasers felt loyalty with me. I started to walk home at the end of the day and Summer stalked up to me, Katie behind her.

"What was that?" She commanded, her eyes blazing. I'd never seen her so mad. Actually, I'd never actually seen her mad.

I sneered, "That? I'm not going to stand by and let them say something like that."

"He killed someone, get it through your head. He's a murderer."

"He's not." I argued.

"He is!"

"You weren't there, you don't know what happened!" I screamed, by now we had attracted a crowd.

"Neither were you!" She screamed back and jumped at me. We fell to the ground and I got a look at Katie's horror-stricken face before my attention was with the fight. She got me in the nose and I knew it was bleeding. I punched her hard in the eye and kicked her off of me. I got ready for another hit, but someone had a hold of my arms and hauled me up. Some Soc had a hold of Summer and was holding her back and I knew someone had a grip on me. We glared at each other and then I was pushed forward, a growl in my ear telling me to leave it alone. Katie was beside me, handing a handkerchief to me so I could wipe the blood from my nose. By now, I realized it had been Dally and Two-Bit that held me back.

"Not bad, kid." Dally commented, a smirk on his lips. Katie frowned, but didn't say anything. We kept walking and I realized we were heading to the Curtis' house. Two-Bit had been silent the whole time and now piped up.

"I heard you punched some Soc." I nodded my head. His eyes sparked, I'm not sure with what.

"He was asking for it." I said and then we were through the door, my nose had thinned out with blood, but hadn't completely stopped. Sodapop looked up from the TV and jumped off the couch, coming over. Steve looked over and had a perplexed look on his face.

"It's fine, it's stopped." I said, sniffling and rubbing the rest of the blood from around my nose. Two-Bit filled them in and I sat there, glancing over at Katie. She was silent and withdrawn. Without warning, she got up and left. I followed her.

"Katie!" I said, only catching up when she slowed down.

"Camille, why did you freak out like that?"

"She jumped at me first."

She sighed, "That's not what I'm talking about." A pause, "Johnny… he did kill that boy, why are you defending him?"

"You too huh?" I said, narrowing my eyes.

"You don't want to get involved in this Camille, your going to get really hurt in the end."

"I'm not going to just throw my friends aside." That's when I really did realize I valued them as friends. I hadn't ever thought of them as friends, just people who were in my life. They made huge impacts. I hadn't ever really talked to Johnny, but I knew he was my friend anyway. Even if all he had ever done was wave at me.

"You mean like you did to Summer?" I winced and shook my head to get rid of all my other thoughts.

"What are you talking about?"

"By hitting that Soc, you were hitting her. You broke that rule. And then you actually did hit her."

" She hit me first and there was no rule."

"God dammit! Stop being so stubborn!" Katie yelled, her eyes now burning fire. "You know that we weren't suppose to get involved in any conflicts! You broke it! Your friendship with her is gone." My caring and worried nature came forward and I felt myself drift into it. My mouth opened and closed a few times with no sound before I stopped.

"It's… it's different."

"Explain to me." My anger was coming back, but I would never use it on Katie. "That's what I thought. I'll see you around." She gave a final glare before turning around and leaving. I was left standing there alone, just like I knew it would always end up. Whether I pushed them all away or not, I knew this was how it was going to be.