I'm not sure what happened after that. After everything that had happened. For the next two days, I tried to forget about Ponyboy and Johnny, thinking they were never coming back. Every time I thought about Ponyboy, my heart would speed up and I'd feel this hopeless feeling surge through my whole body. He had to come back, I needed him. It wasn't a dependable need, it was a need that sparked from love. Yes, I admit it. I had been unconsciously fighting this, fighting anything that had to do with this. It came anyway without me wanting it.
I was independent, I didn't need him. I told myself that every day and it still never stuck with me. It may seem weird, but I walked by that park at least three times a day, hoping I would see them sitting there on the grass passing a cigarette around. I'd set myself up and then I'd feel even worse when I found no one there.
Sodapop knew something. I saw him writing to Ponyboy when I was over there. Ever since I had that fight with Katie and Summer, I had been hanging out at there place a lot. They never seemed to mind, Darry gave me a pep talk on how I shouldn't be skipping school, but I really didn't care. When Serenity found out, she didn't yell or say anything, but I knew she was disappointed. Sam had a tendency to stay over at someone else's house lately, so there wasn't any responsibility holding me to that house. I felt distant from her. When I asked Serenity about it, she gave me a disbelieving look.
"Can you blame her? You never pay any attention to her anymore." I winced so bad that I ran out of the house to hide it. I couldn't have been ignoring her that bad. Had I? It wasn't like I meant to. Everything just hurt so bad. I felt like a lovesick puppy. It came so sudden that I didn't know it was there, until people started pointing it out to me.
"You love him, don't you?" Soda said it casually, but in such a serious way.
I tensed and spoke with only the slightest shake, "I'm too young to fall in love with someone I barely know."
"There's no age limit to this." Soda said and it was so uncharacteristic of him. I felt everything start to hurt really bad again and hugged him as tight as I could. It was comforting, to be in their messy living room and hugging Sodapop like he was my own brother.
"He'll come back." Soda said, but I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself. Darry had one of those too, except his was hidden. I didn't realize what he had implied until he had gone to work and I was alone to ponder what he had told me. Two-Bit never said anything and we'd always have a few laughs watching TV and just talking, although only on commercial breaks. Apparently, Two-Bit was a little obsessed with Mickey Mouse. I never would've guessed.
Dally. He was a different story. He was always cautious and slightly cold around me, but I felt respect from him. I wasn't sure why, maybe it had been from that Soc that I had hit. Oh, he never let me walk alone either if he could help it. He must've heard something from, or about, one of the Soc's. I didn't doubt they were after me. Once I had hit him, the line about not hitting a girl had pretty much up and vanished. I personally wasn't looking to get a beating, or worse, either. For once, I actually felt like a part of a group. I felt like part of the gang.
The only person I wasn't sure about was Steve. He never showed any resentment towards me, but I never felt anything else from him either. We would talk when we were in a group, but I'd never got him alone. Not that I wanted to really. He was one of them I didn't really trust. Everyone else I trusted, but since I had never really talked to him… that natural trust wasn't there.
None of the gang, except for the exception of Ponyboy that I knew of, knew that my father had left. No one knew he had cheated on mom, no one knew he had killed her. It was my secret and I kept it close to me.
"Where are you going?" I jumped and twisted around, I relaxed when I saw it was only Dally pulling up in a white truck.
"Scare me, why don't ya." I breathed, "And I'm going home. Where are you going?" Dally stared at me with those cold eyes and I had half a mind to look away, but I didn't and held me ground. For a few moments anyway, then I looked away.
"See ya."
"Bye." I said and watched him drive away. My house was a few blocks away and I hurried my pace to get there. The hairs on the back of my neck kept standing up and it was not a secure feeling. When I got into my house and shut the door behind me, I let out a sigh of relief and turned around. My face met a chest and I tensed again.
"Dad?" I breathed, looking up into his face. No one was home. He looked down at me with hard eyes. It was chilling, this was not the father I knew.
"Where is it?"
"Where's what?" I played dumb, I knew he was talking about the note.
"Don't give me that. Where is it Camille?" He took a step forward and I manoeuvred around him.
"I know. I figured it out." I said, opening my big mouth. "I remember what you did. How's Rose?" I felt the cold end of the gun on my forehead. "Dad?" my whole body felt cold.
"Give me the note. I will shoot you."
"Your own daughter?"
He smirked, "No loss for me there."
"Why is it so important?" He pressed the gun harder against my forehead.
"It's none of your business. Now give it to me."
"It's too late, I don't have it." I said, trembling from fear.
"What?" His voice was hoarse.
"I… I buried it." He looked positively outraged. He pulled the trigger and the bullet flew behind me, I covered my ears and screamed. He ran a hand through his hair, the gun back on my silhouette, and had already taken a few steps back away from me. I was openly trembling now. What would he do next? He lowered the gun and walked into the living room. I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't follow him. The gun was lying on the table, between him and I. Was this how it was going to turn out?
His face was in his hands, his fingers tangled in his hands. I stood in the doorway, trying to calm down my erratically beating heart.
"Why are you still here?" He asked, looking up. I gulped at his eyes and felt my throat constrict, I couldn't say anything. His eyes calculated at me and flashed with something. A smirk formed on his lips and he laughed.
"You don't hate me still? Even after you know I murdered your mother?" My eyes brimmed full with tears, he openly admitted to it.
"Why would you do that?" My fists clenched and he watched them and then started laughing. My hot tears spilled over my eyes and slid down my cheeks. They felt like acid paths on my cheeks, but I didn't bother to brush them away.
"You were never one to cry." He mused aloud, watching me still.
"Why aren't you leaving?"
"You see, there's a problem with that." His eyes downcast. "I'm making a small… album of our letters and stuff for Rose, that letter is an important part, for our anniversary." My fists clenched tighter.
"So, she knows about all this?"
"All what." His eyes flashed again.
"What? She doesn't even know you have kids."
"Oh, she knows we have kids. Our kids." His laugh was bitter.
"You… you didn't mean anything you said about that, did you? The night you left, you just wanted to go to her!" I accused him full-heartedly. The hate in my heart hadn't acted up yet, but I knew it was there, starting to bubble.
"Want to know their names?" He asked, ignoring my question. "April, age 6. Karen, age 7. Mark, age 10, and Damien, age 14." I gulped. He was the same age as me. My dad had been cheating on my mom probably before I was even born. Amber would've already been born when all this was going on.
"What made you stay then?" He looked up to stare at me again.
"Your mom didn't know. They were both beautiful woman. Why not have them both?" He laughed again and I lunged for him, my fist raised. There was a sharp pain in my cheek and then in my stomach. He stood over me, no longer the cocky look on his face.
"You can't overpower me." Smirking, he gave me another kick and I groaned. When had I let him get the best of me? I stood up and tried again, he grabbed my arm and pushed me to the side. I stumbled and fell, hitting the wall. "Why don't you just calm down." He said again, his eyes never leaving mine. His hand reached down to pick up the gun and he aimed it at me. "You would never understand my reasons." I kept my mouth shut and stared at the gun. A sudden realization hit me and I felt something warm seep into my skin, almost as if for once I found a breakthrough to all this. At the same time, I felt guilty for it.
"You got prepared for this." I stated, "You came here to shoot me, not for that… insignificant note." He shook his head and I stood up, although all I wanted to do was fall right back down. "That's why you wanted Amber out of the house." I stared at him and advanced, he looked panicked. "Once she was gone, you could act like I'd picked up the gun and accidentally set it off. Something stopped you every time though. What was it dad, did you know?"
"Stop it. I'll shoot you." He said it calmly, but his eyes betrayed him. They looked panicked and wild.
"You had so many chances. You didn't shoot me when you shot mom. Why?" I wanted him to say it, I wanted him to admit to it.
"There was no need for it."
"What about when Mom was gone, then Amber was gone, and there was only me and you. The night you left, what about then? No one would have known it was you. No one." I advanced again and he backed up. "Do you still love me?" There was a shot, but this time I didn't scream. It hit me somewhere behind me, I had watched him the whole time.
"I… You're nothing to me."
"Okay, tell yourself that." I was staring death right in the face. He fled and it was a few seconds before relief flooded through my body. The phone rang as soon as I sat down on the couch and I picked it up, a bit hesitantly.
"Hello." I hated it, my voice cracked and sounded weak.
"Camille? It's Soda." I waited for him to go on. "Listen… we found Pony. Well, we know where he is. Come to the hospital, me and Darry will be there."
"Okay." I whispered, still feeling shocked and tired. It hadn't really sunk in yet. He hung up and I placed the phone back in the cradle. Ponyboy was back, he wasn't dead and I could see him. Yanking a coat on, I slammed the door behind me and ran to the hospital.
