Thanks so much for all of the amamzing reviews! Some of you are super pissed with Christian and with good reason. Hopefully by the end of this story he will have redeemed himself in your eyes. Happy reading! :)
It's Saturday and I am in the kitchen getting the potato salad ready to take to Mia and Ethan's later on. She told me countless times that I didn't need to bring anything, but I would feel right with her doing all the cooking when she has a new baby. Not only am I bringing the potato salad, I'm also bringing a few other side dishes and peach cobbler for dessert.
Christian ended up having to stay longer than he expected in New Orleans, and due to weather his plane will be even later getting in. He called early this morning before take off and said that he would be in around three. That will give him just enough time to shower and dress for Mia and Ethan's.
I check the time and see that it's almost two, so I quickly finish what I'm working on and head up stairs to get a shower. I want to have my makeup on before Christian gets home. I just hope my concealer will do it's job and cover up the dark circles that I'm sporting under my eyes.
Sleep has not been my friend these past few nights. I didn't sleep at all the last night Christian was here, and in the three nights since I have probably gotten a grand total of around 10 hours. The rest of the time I spent working, reading, watching crap TV... doing anything and everything to take my mind off of the hurt. The times I did sleep, my sleep was plagued with dreams. They weren't bad dreams, but I think I would have preferred the bad nightmares over the visions of me with a round belly. Christian with his head in my lap, reading to our unborn child. Me sitting on The Grace watching Christian teach our son all about sailing. Christian leaning against the door of a nursery as I rock our daughter to sleep.
Yes, all of those were wonderful dreams, but the crushing feeling I felt when I'd wake only to realize that it was just a dream... nothing more. It was like my heart was breaking all over again.
Standing in the shower, I look down and watch the rivets of water drop from my breast and roll down my flat stomach. A stomach that I have had to stop myself from fantasizing about growing round with child. I really need to snap out of this before Christian returns home. I don't need to rub his fears in his face by letting him see me so upset.
"This shit is not working," I mummer to myself as I sit in front of the mirror. I am trying to apply the concealer, but either I don't know what in the hell I am doing -(which is a definite possibility since I don't wear a lot of make up)- or the dark circles under my eyes are just too dark to cover. Whatever. I toss the tube back in the drawer and go to the closet to put on my clothes. Since it's a casual cookout, I'm going to wear shorts ad a cute tank top.
I'm just pulling on my top when I hear the front door open. Christian's home. Even though I am still upset about the whole baby thing, I still feel the butterflies in my stomach and I don't waste a second rushing down the stairs to welcome my husband home.
We meet just as he is about to come up the stairs. I take a flying leap into his arms and wrap my legs and arms around him.
"I missed you." I tell him
"Missed you too, Baby. So fucking much!" He hugs me back just as hard as I am hugging him.
He pulls back a few inches to kiss me... and boy does he kiss me. There is something more to that kiss that an 'I missed you'. This kiss feels more like desperation. Finally he stops the kiss with a few lingering nibbles.
After we stand there for a while, I finally loosen my hold and mummer, "You need to shower, honey. We don't want to be late getting to your sisters. I made a few dishes that need to be finished up at Mia's before they can be served."
"Okay, Baby." He whispers as he lets me slide down his body. He takes my face in his hands to go in for another kiss, but stops inches away from my face, and I feel the tension that was already in his body intensify. "What are these, Anastasia?" He asks and rubs the pads of his thumbs under my eyes. "Did you not sleep well while I was away? Are you sick?"
"You know I never sleep well when you are not here with me." I reply truthfully. I am never able to sleep all that well when Christian has to take business trips.
"We can cancel with Mia and Ethan and you and I can go crawl in bed. Let me give you a proper hello" He gives me one of his sexy winks, making me giggle, "and then we can sleep."
"Ha! No way Mr. Grey. I have already promised your sister we would be there. And as good as an evening and night in bed with my man sounds, I have a new baby to cuddle and spoil."
And just like that, it all comes rushing back to me. The reason I haven't been sleeping. The reason I've been feeling like my world has been turned upside down. Christian's homecoming distracted me for a few minutes, but all it took was one little mention of a baby and the hurt comes rushing back in.
Christian must notice the change too because he reaches out for my hand. "Ana-"
"Go get your shower and I need to go check the food to make sure it's all ready to go." I cut him off before he can say anything more. I don't even give him a chance to respond before I turn around and walk away. Childish? Maybe. But I will not be able to keep ahold of my emotions in if he starts telling me once again how sorry he is.
After Christian and I loaded the food up in his Audi SUV, we drove to Mia and Ethan's in silence. Not a word was spoken. I did notice a few times Christian would look over at me like he wanted to say something, but he never spoke. He just held on to my left hand like he was afraid to let it go.
When we arrive, I see that everyone is here. I'm sure Grace and Carrick were probably one of the first to arrive. That is if they were able to beat Kate and Ethan's parents here. I have never seen two sets of grandparents more devoted to their grandchildren.
I'm starting to unload the food when Christian grabs me by the arm, "Ana, are we okay?"
Do I respond to him truthfully or lie? If I tell him the truth he will no doubt hover over me tonight, trying to make things right. But, if I lie to him, it wouldn't be fair to either of us. Really, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm about to respond truthfully when the front door opens and Ethan walks out.
"Need some help with that stuff?" He calls out.
I turn to him, causing my arm to fall from Christian's grasp. "That would be great, Ethan. How are you? How are you adjusting to the life of a father?"
His welcoming grin turns into a full blown smile at the mention of him becoming a father. "I'm good... Great actually. I didn't know I could be this happy over a tiny human that only eats, shits and sleeps." He laughs.
I give him back a fake laugh that I can only pray sounds convincing. When I look back at Christian I see that I may have fooled Ethan, but I did not fool my husband.
"The ladies are in the kitchen and the guys are on the back patio at the grill." Ethan tell us as we enter the house.
After putting all of the food in the kitchen, and greeting his mom, sister, Kate and Kate's mom,, Christian joins the men outside. I stay in the kitchen to chat with the women and heat up the dishes that I brought.
"How have you been, Ana?" Grace asks as she wraps me in a warm hug.
"I'm good, Grace." I smile at her. I love this woman. I could not have wished for a better, more loving mother in law.
She grabs my face with both of her hands and looks at me... really looks at me. "Ana, Darling, have you not been sleeping? Have you been ill?" She asks, sounding so much like her youngest son.
"I'm fine. I've had a lot going on at work lately. Plus with Christian being gone for the past few nights, it's always hard for me to sleep when he isn't with me." I feel like such an ass for lying to Grace. But what am I supposed to do? Tell her that her son revealed that he doesn't want children... And decided to tell me this fact after 6 years of getting my hopes up...
She smiles at me and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek just before she whispers in my ear. "I'm here if you need to talk sweet girl."
She knows.. Grace knows I just lied to her face. She may not know what it is that I lied about, but she knows wasn't being truthful. Thankfully she drops it when I nod my head.
The next hour is spent talking and playing with Ava and Faith. I am patiently waiting for baby Alex to wake up so I can get my hands on him. This will be the first time I've seen him since I visited the hospital the day he was born.
So far I'm holding up well. No sign of the feared breakdown. It helps that I have not had a minute for my mind to wander because the conversation never stalls with all the women in the kitchen. Mia is talking about her guilty obsession of cheesy reality shows; Kate is keeping us entertained with the latest hot stories in the media; Grace fills us in on the latest adventures of her parents; Kate's Mom, Tina, talks about the new line of swimsuits she is carrying in her boutiques. Me... Well, I'm keeping quiet and listening to everyone. No one seems to notice. No one... but Grace. I have seen her watching me a few times. When I meet her eyes, she gives me a small smile.
It's not long before we hear small grunts and baby cries coming through the baby monitor Mia has sitting on the table.
Mia jumps from her seat. "It sounds like someone's ready to eat. I'm going to grab him. Mom, can you please heat up one of the bags of breast milk I have in the refrigerator, please. I'll be back after I change his diaper."
"She's really taken to being a mother well." Tina remarks to which Kate and Grace agree.
"How's that bottle coming along" Mia asks when she reenters the kitchen.
"It's almost ready." Grace tells her.
Before I even register what 'm doing, I stand and make my way to Mia. "May I feed him?" I ask, holding my arms out for him.
"Not at all." She hands him to me. He is such a beautiful baby. Even this small, you can see that he favors Ethan a lot, but he has Mia's dark hair.
"He's beautiful Mia." I tell her, and as hard as I tried I couldn't keep the melancholy out of my voice.
"Is everything okay, Ana?" Kate asks.
"Yeah," I say a little more up beat than necessary.
She looks at me with suspicion. "Okay, if you're sure."
"So Ana, you and Christian have been married for years now. When are you two going to start adding to your family?" Tina asks. "With your and Christian's genes, imagine how gorgeous your children will be!" She gushes.
"Um,..." How in the hell do I answer this question with everything that's going on. I look up to see Kate, Mia and Grace looking at me expectantly. "Um, I don't think children are in our future." I tell them and feel that now familiar ball of emotion begin the clog my throat.
"What? Why?" Kate asks. Nosey as ever. "You have always wanted children. What's changed?" Her eyes suddenly get large, "Oh, no! Ana is something wrong? Can you not get pregnant?" Even though the questions are invasive, I can hear the concern in her voice.
I shake my head, "It's nothing like that. I'm perfectly healthy as far as I know." I lower my gaze to the floor. I don't want to see their reactions when I reveal the reason for Christian and me not having children. "Um, Christian doesn't want children."
"Ana-" Grace starts.
"No, it's okay." I lie.
"No, it isn't." She replies sadly.
I take a deep breath, "No, it's not, but it will be. I have no other choice but for it to be okay."
Grace silently takes Alex and hands him to a teary eyed Mia. Taking my hand, she leads me to the hallway bathroom and closes the door. Grace wraps me in a tight, loving hug.
"I'm sorry, Ana. I never knew Christian didn't want children. But you're wrong... You do have a choice." Even though I know what she's saying, I still cant believe that Grace is suggesting that leaving Christian is even an option. "Honey, even though our situations are very different, I know the pain of not being able to have children. No one should take away a woman's right or desire to be a mother. I love my son with everything I have, but unless it was discussed and a mutual decision, he should not get to choose for you."
"But I love him so much Grace. I could not picture my life without him..." I trail off.
"But? I sense a but." Grace states.
"But,... I hurt down to my soul knowing that I will never be a mother." I state, sadly.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but has he given you a reason for not wanting kids. I know my son can be rather hard on himself at times."
"Just that he doesn't want to risk passing on the genes of his biological parents to a child, and that he isn't father material" No way am I going to tell Grace about him thinking that he is too fucked up to be a father. She'll ask questions that I do not want to give her the answers to. She knows about what Christian went through with Elena, but she doesn't know that he continued that lifestyle for years after.
"Have you suggested that he should maybe call Dr. Flynn?" She asks while stroking my hair. Both of us have tears falling down our face.
"Not yet, but that is a good idea." I say with a small spark of hope in my gut. Christian hasn't seen Flynn in a professional sense in a few years. Maybe talking with Flynn can help ease his fears.
Grace and I spend a few more minutes in the bathroom trying to get our emotions in check and washing our face before we go back out to the kitchen. When we get there I see that the men have now joined the women. Mia and Kate are busy getting the food on the table and Carrick now has Alex.
Christian is eyeing his mother and I suspiciously as he walks toward us. When he gets to my side he rubs the pad of his thumb under my eye much like he did earlier. "You've been crying." He states quietly.
Before I can respond, Ethan calls out from the dining room. "Dinner's ready. Let's eat."
At the dinner table I somehow ended up with baby Alex in my arms once again. Not that I minded. Babies smell too good. I feel eyes on me, so I look up to see all of the women.. and my husband watching me.
"Would you like me to take him Ana?" Mia asks, knowingly.
I shake my head and smile down at Alex as he puckers his tiny pink lips. "No, I have him. I need to get my baby cuddles in."
We have almost finished our meal when Ava announces that she needs cake causing everyone to laugh. The loud rumbles of laugher startle Alex and cause him to scrunch up his face just before he lets out a small cry. Before he can get too upset, I place his pacifier in his mouth and bring him up to my shoulder so that I can pat him on his little baby bottom in a soothing manner.
"You're good with him Ana." Ethan says. "Usually once he gets going, it takes an act of congress to cool him down. He has his mother's attitude." He jokes and Mia slaps his chest playfully.
"Ana has always been good with babies." Kate speaks up and I see her throw a glace Christian's way. No, no ,no! I know you are trying to help, but don't do this Kate! "Even when were in college, she would babysit to make extra cash. The kids loved her. I know my girls think Aunt Ana is the best, right Ava?"
"Yep, I lubs Aunt Ana Banana." Ava says using the nickname her dad uses for me.
"I love you too, sweet girl." I smile at her as she shoves another bite of cobbler in her mouth.
"Nothing better than grandchildren, huh Carrick?" Kate's dad, Steven speaks up.
Carrick nods his head in agreement, "I love having all these babies around."
"Well, speaking of..." Elliott begins to say, and I see Kate out of the corner of my eye trying to get his attention. Elliott must not notice because he keeps right on talking. "Kate and I would like to announce that we are expecting again."
Everyone around the table offers them congratulations. Even though it feels like I have been punched in the gut, I somehow find my voice and offer them my congratulations and tell them I'm happy for them. And I am happy for them. I'm just sad for me. But I refuse to let my hurt bleed into their joyous announcement.
When I glance around, I see two pair of eyes on me. Grace and Christian. They are both watching me... I put on a brave, but fake smile and turn my attention back to the squirmy baby in my arms. After everyone has settled from the news, I think that the storm of the night has passed... That is until Elliott speaks again.
"You know little brother, Mia and I have given Mom and Dad three, about to be four grandchildren. It's time for you and Ana Banana to start contributing too. Look at how perfect my sister in law looks with a bundle of joy in her arms." He takes a look at me and then a huge smile spreads across his face like he's figured something out. "You know Ana Banana, you are looking a little tired. Is there something you and my brother would like to share? You already have a bun in the oven, huh, Chris?"
And there it is.. I can't breathe. As hard as I try I can't pull in enough air to fill my lungs. I stand so quickly my chair tumbles backwards and hit the floor with a loud thud. I'm not sure who, but someone takes Alex from me.
"I'm sorry." I mumble. "Um, I'm not feeling well. I.. I need to leave." I don't even look up to see anyone's face. I fumble my way out the door and let the fresh air help to calm my breathing as I walk to the SUV. It isn't long before Christian joins me.
"Ana?" He looks worried.
"Not now Christian." I snap. I need to use the car ride home to get my head straight. And then... Then he and I are going to have this long over due talk. All I know right now is that I can't keep going on like this. Either he sees Flynn to get over his irrational fear, -(And yes, I believe it's irrational because I know with everything I am that Christian would make a wonderful father)- or I have to do something that I never in my life saw myself doing. I just can't live with this type of pain for the rest of my life.
