Walking in the house, I feel like a ticking time bomb about to go off. This storm has been building inside me for days and now I feel like I'm about to blow. Christian is quietly watching me as I pace the living room floor. I know he wants to say something, but in all honesty, he looks terrified... As he should, because according to how this conversation plays out tonight, it could be a game changer for us. And God does that scare the crap out of me!
"We need to talk." I mutter.
"Okay. Is this about the discussion we had the other night?" He takes a seat on the couch, grabbing my arm and pulling me down with him.
"Partly." I nod my head. "It's no secret that I want children. You have always known that I eventually wanted kids some day."
"Ana, baby, I know you want children. I want so bad to give you everything your heart desires..." He pauses.
"But?" I urge him to continue.
He shakes his head and the look in his eyes are full of fear and pain. "I can't Ana. I just c-can't" His voice breaks on the last word, causing my heart to skip a beat. God, it hurts to see him upset like this. He's hurting, too. I know he is! Why in the hell won't he just fight past the his fears? For me.. For us?
"Christian, I can see that you're scared. Talk to me. Talk to John Flynn. Just talk to someone. I love you so much, and I want more than anything to make a child with you."
"Ana, you know about my past. No amount of talking will help me." He looks at me with sad eyes. "Trust me, this is killing me just as much as it is you."
"Obliviously not or you would agree to get help... You would agree to talk to Flynn... You would try everything possible to get past this." The tears that I am trying so hard to hold back are starting to burn the back of my eyes. "When did you start feeling this way? When did you decided that you didn't want kids... That you would take away my right to be a mother?"
"I'm not sure. I can't really pin point the exact time, but it was somewhere during the time that Ava arrived. Seeing Elliott and how good of a father he is really got me thinking. He and I are completely different. How can I ever measure up to that if I'm already so fucked up?"
"What?" I ask in a quiet rage. "You know what's FUCKED UP CHRISTIAN? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK IS REALLY FUCKED UP? HUH? WHAT'S FUCKED UP IS LYING TO YOUR WIFE BY TELLING HER THAT YOU WOULD GIVE HER A FAMILY ONE DAY! WHAT'S FUCKED UP IS GIVING YOUR WIFE FALSE HOPE FOR 6 FUCKING YEARS! WHAT'S FUCKED UP IS YOUR WIFE HAVING TO WAIT AND WAIT FOR HER CHANCE.. HER TURN TO BE THE ONE GETTING TO ANNOUCE THAT SHE AND HER HUSBAND ARE EXPECTING, ALL THE WHILE SITTING BACK AND WATCHING TIME AND TIME AGAIN AS THE ONES DEAREST TO HER MADE THEIR ANNOUNCMENTS! SO, NO, CHRISTIAN! YOU ARE NOT FUCKED UP, BUT YOUR WAY OF THINKING SURE AS HELL IS! AND YOU NEED TO FIX THAT SHIT!"
I don't think I have ever been as angry or hurt as I am right now. I know for a fact that I have never yelled at Christian like I am doing right now. He is looking at me in stunned silence. I probably look like a lunatic. When I feel a tear drip from my chin, I know that at some point during my screaming rant I must have started to cry. For me, angry tears are much worse than sad tears because they can be perceived as a weakness or manipulative. Two things I am not.
Apparently now that the flood gates have opened, I can't stop. I keep talking, but this time at a quieter volume.. almost a strangled whisper. "You love me, I know you do. C-can't you s-see? Can't you see w-what this is doing to me? Do y-you even know the pain I felt t-tonight when Elliot and Kate announced they were expecting again? Do you know the bitter sweet hurt I feel when I'm holding Alex or playing with Ava and Faith?"
" I know, baby. I saw the pain in your eyes. I see it all the time when we are around the family." He says in a regretful tone.
"Yeah, you see the pain that was on the o-outside. You can't even b-begin to imagine the pain I feel on the inside." I shake my head and try to calm myself. "When Kate and Elliott made their announcement tonight, do you want to know that that felt like?" I ask, but I don't wait for a response. "It felt like someone had physically kicked me in the stomach. It felt like one hundred pound weight on my chest. It felt like the walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breathe... I C-COULDN'T CATCH MY FUCKING B-BREATH, CHRISTIAN!"
"I don't know what to say here, Baby." He's at a loss for words while I for some reason can't shut my mouth.
"You said that you started feeling this way around the time Ava was born?" I ask and he nods his head. "So tell me, in the past three years did you ever think that this new decision you made about OUR lives was something that I.. Your wife should know? Did you think that I should have at least had a little input about such a major decision."
"Yes, Ana, yes, I knew I was being a selfish bastard, but I reasoned by telling myself that you were happy with our marriage... So happy that you wouldn't want more. But hindsight is 20/20. I see now that I chose wrong by not talking to you. But also, I wanted to avoid this!" He motions toward me, "I wanted to avoid seeing you hurt because of me... Again!"
"So that's it? You won't even entertain the idea of talking with Flynn? You won't even try to compromise?"
He stayed silent...
"Because I am more than willing to compromise. If you are so concerned about passing on your biological parent's genes, I am more than willing to talk about adoption. We can adopt." I say the last part with ever ounce of hope I have left in my body.
He looks up at me with sad eyes and I know.. I know before he even say anything what he is going to say. "It's more than just passing on my fucked up genes, Ana, and you know it."
"NO!" I shakes my head and I know my eyes are wet and wild. "No, I don't know Christian! I don't know anything anymore. Right now, what I thought I new is a lie." I jab my finger in my chest hard. "I feel like I've been living a lie for the last three years!"
Again he is silent...
"So what now?" I ball my fist and prepare myself for what I'm about to say. "I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I love you, Christian. I love you more than you will ever know, but I can't give up my dream of being a mother."
"What?!" He shoots up in a panic. "What are you saying, Baby?"
"I... I'm saying that if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to do your part. I've don my part. I tried, I really tried to do things your way. But, not anymore Christian. The next step as to where we go is up to you. For now, I think I'm going to take some time off of work and go spend some time with my dad. And while I'm gone, you need to figure out what you want. What's important to you."
"No! No, no, no, Ana! You can't leave me!" He starts pacing and running both hands through his hair. "Please Ana! Please do not leave me!" He stops in front of me and that's when I see the tears pooling in his eyes. "You promised." He whispers. "You prom-mised me years ago that you wouldn't leave me."
"Promises run both ways, Christian." I say equaling his whisper. "You may have not said the word 'promise', but as my husband I trust you and your word means everything to me. You told me years ago that you one day wanted children. I took your words and trusted them... trusted you to tell me the truth."
"I'll do it, Baby! I will do anything. I will talk to Flynn. We can have children. Just don't leave me...please, don't leave me!"
I walk up to him and place my hand on his now wet, tear stained cheek. "Christian, you are saying all of the things I want to hear. But if I gave in right now, I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I would always wonder if the only reason you agreed was to keep me. I would always be afraid that you would end up resenting me and our child because you felt this was a choice you were forced to make." The pure terror I see on his face hurts me.
"Please" He chokes out on another whisper.
I reach up on my tippy toes and place a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth. "You need to think about what you are saying. If you are really willing to try, then talk to Flynn. Do what ever you need to get the help you need. Use this time that we are apart work on you. While I'm away, I'm going to do the same." I give a long hug before backing up and looking him in the eyes. "Since it's late, I'm going to wait until the morning to go to my dad's. Do, um, would you like me to sleep in a guest room for tonight?"
"No," he wipes the tears from his cheeks with the palm of his hands, "If tonight is the last night that I have you, I want you in our bed. I need to h-hold you one last time."
"Don't do that, don't make it sound so final. Now that you have said that you are willing to talk to someone about the way you are feeling, I have every confidence in the world that you and I are going to make it. This is just a bump in the road for us. All marriages have them. I just think a little time away will help me clear my head. It's not forever Christian, only a few days."
"You have that much faith in me?" He questions. Always believing the worst in himself. Oh, Fifty...
"Without a doubt. You, Christian Grey, have overcame so much in your life. You've got this. And, if you need me, I'm only a phone call away."
After Christian and I stand holding each other for what seems like hours, he wordlessly takes my hand and leads me up the stairs to our bedroom. He still doesn't speak as he undresses both of us and dresses me for bed in one of his white tee shirts.
That night we lie in each others arms. Chest to chest, our legs vined together. As the dawn breaks the early morning sky we both are still awake, but not one word has been spoken by either of us the entire night.
When the clock reads six a.m., I start to get out of bed and Christian holds me tighter. "Do you really want to go?" His voice is rough and horse, but I know it's not from sleep.
"No, I don't want to go, but I feel like it's something I need to do. Like I said last night, I need this time, if only for a few days to get my head straight." To need and to want are two completely different things. I would never want to leave for any reason.
I feel him nod his head and reluctantly loosen his grip so I can get up. After brushing my teeth, showering and getting dressed, I begin to pack a small bag for my Dad's. I'm only going to be gone a few days so I pack a few jeans, tank tops and grab the shirt off the floor that Christian was wearing yesterday for my sleepwear. These next few nights are going to be torture for me.
When I make it down stairs, Sawyer is there to take my bag. "I'll be in the car waiting on you, Ana." He tells me before turning to leave the room.
I look over to the kitchen to see Christian at the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee in front of him, and his head in his hands. When I walk closer, I see that he has prepared me a breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh fruit. I also see that he has made me a cup of tea.
When he hears me approach, he looks up. "I made you something to eat before you left. Please eat so that I know that you wont be hungry."
I nod in agreement and sit on the stool beside him. I eat my food, not really tasting it. But, I know wasted food is still something my Fifty has issues with, so I make sure I finish everything.
"Thank you for that." I say as I stand and take my dishes to the sink. The entire time I am rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, I can feel Christian's eyes burning into my back. When I turn to face him, I see the tears are once again in his eyes.
"Don't go." He pleads on a whisper that almost has me giving... Almost.
"I need some time to clear my head, Christian."
"I'll take some time off of work. I can take you somewhere. Anywhere you want to go." He pleads more.
"Christian, I need this and so do you. While I take this time to clear my head, you take this time to see where your heads at."
He spins his phone that is on the counter, and watches it as it goes round and round. "I've called Flynn. He didn't pick up so I left him a voicemail." He looks up and meets my eyes. "I want you to know that the stuff I said last night was not just said in the heat of the moment... well, it was said in the heat of the moment, but I meant it. I meant every word I said. The possibility of losing you scares the fuck out of me, so I'm not going to let that happen. I know I have shit to work out, and I will. For you Anastasia, I will." He lets out a pained, humorless laugh, "It's not that I don't want kids with you, Ana. I'm just so fucking terrified."
"I know." I know that he is scared. And I also know how hard that was for him to admit. Christian Grey does not like to show weakness, and admitting that he is terrified of something is a weakness to him.
I walk to him and he stands just as I reach him. He takes me in his arms and kisses me. He kisses me until I can't breathe and when he lets up, I have to gasp to get air into my lungs. "I love you, Christian." I assure him.
"I love you more, Anastasia." He presses his forehead into my and squeezes his eyes shut.
"I'll be home soon." I whisper and he nods. "We both need this little break." I state and he nods his head again.
He takes my hand and walks me to the car that Sawyer has pulled up to the front door. After another breathtaking kiss, he helps me into the car and shuts the door. I watch out the back glass as he stands on the steps and watches the car drive up the driveway. Only when I can see him anymore do I turn around in my seat.
I pick up my phone and dial Ray's number.
"Good morning, Annie!" He answers on the second ring.
"Da-Daddy." My voice breaks as I say his name.
"Annie? What wrong?" His voice is suddenly more alert.
"I'm on my way to your house for a few days if that is okay."
"What happened?" He asks in a brisk tone.
"Daddy" I say his name in the way I used to when I didn't want to talk about something.
"Okay, okay, I get it Annie. No more questions. And, you don't even have to ask if it's okay to come stay with your old man. My door is and will always be open to you, Baby girl." God, I love this man.
"Um, Sawyer is coming too." I say, knowing without even asking that Sawyer is planning on staying. I know my husband, and he would never let me be without security.
"Not a problem. I'll have the guest room ready and waiting for him. How about a big pot of my chicken and dumplings for dinner tonight?" He asks.
"Sounds good, Daddy." Comfort food is what I need and my Dad's chicken and dumplings are about as comforting as it gets.
I must have dozed off on the drive because I come to when the car slows and I hear gravel crunching under the tires. I rub my eyes and look up to see my Daddy on the front porch of his small cabin style home. When I get out of the car, I take off running and don't stop until I'm in Raymond Steele's arms.
At times like these, most women would run to their mothers, but not me. I need my Daddy. Christian has always joked about me being a Daddy's girl and in this moment, I realize just how true those words are.
I promise that they won't be apart too long. This is just their little bump in the road, and I swear things are going to start smoothing out for them very soon.
Thank you for all of the reviews. I read each and every one. And, thank you to the ones who have followed and favorited AE. (Is favorited even a word? Oh, well, if not, it is now!). I am so happy that you are enjoying reading this story just as much as I enjoy writing it... Even if it makes me cry while I write. lol
Sorry for any mistakes... I'm sure they are a few that I didn't catch :)
