Christian's POV

I stand here watching Sawyer drive away with my entire life. I watch until I can no longer see the tail lights of the SUV. When they are no longer in view, I sit down on the steps of the house and try to calm my racing heart. Ana.. My Ana left me. I know she says it's only for a few days, but it still hurts like fuck. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.

She said to call her if I needed her. I am seriously considering running in the house, grabbing my phone and calling her because I do need her. I need her so fucking bad! But I can't do that because as much as I fucking hate this, I know she is right. We both need this. I know her reasons for needing this time, and me.. I need get to John as soon as possible. I need him to help me.

I didn't lie to Ana when we were first married. I did.. I do want children with her. It's just with everyday that passes, I see how the men in our family are at being fathers. Great fucking fathers. How would I ever measure up? How would I ever be as fun and as playful as Elliott? How would I ever be as kind, patient, and understanding as Carrick was. Because let's face it, that man had to have had the patience of a fucking saint to be my father when I was growing up.

I jump up when I hear a car coming up the driveway thinking it's Ana. Thinking that maybe she came back. But it's not Ana, it's Gail. She is returning from a weekend at her sisters. Feeling the cool breeze of the morning across my skin, I look down and notice that I am still only in my pajama bottoms. I quickly wipe the tears from my face and turn to make my way back in the house, not wanting Gail to see me like this.

When I enter our bedroom, Ana's scent hits me like a brick in the face. It hits me so hard, I have to sit on the bed before I fall flat on my ass. I take a slow look around the room. The bed is still rumpled from where she and I held each other last night. The sweet smelling vanilla lotion that she puts on every night still sits on the bedside table. The hairband that she uses to put up her hair- and I sometimes use when braid her hair- still sits on the very same table.

What the fuck did I do?!

As if I'm on auto-pilot, I shave, I shower, I dress... and I try my hardest not to look around. I don't want to see Ana's shampoo, conditioner, body wash and razor in the shower. I don't want to see her toothbrush in the holder next to mine. I don't want to see her clothes hanging in our closet. And I absolutely do not want to look at the back of the closet and see one of our overnight bags missing. I don't want to see any of those things because I fear that it will add to the pain in my chest and I honesty don't know how much more I can take before it kills me.

When I'm back in my room, I try calling John once again. And once again I get his voicemail. "This is John Flynn. I'm sorry that I have missed your call. Please leave a message and I will return your call as soon as possible."... Beep.

"John, It's Christian Grey. This is the second message I have left today. I need you to return my call as soon as possible, please." I want to add that it's a emergency, but I don't. I'm sure the desperation in my voice rings out loud and clear.

I pace my room back and forth... Back and forth. What do I do next? What do I do while waiting for John to return my call? My mind starts wondering back to the past few days. The look of devastation on Ana's face when I told her that I didn't think I'd ever want children. The pain I saw written all over her face yesterday every time she would look at Mia and Kate mothering their children. The way she ran from the room gasping for air when Elliott had mistaken her pain for tiredness due to pregnancy. And then... Then the sight of Ana and my Mom's face flash through my head. When the guys came in yesterday, Ana and my mom had both been crying. My mom knows!

I rush back to where my phone is laying on the bed and bring up my Mom's contact information.

"Good morning darling. I hope you aren't calling to cancel plans for our Sunday dinner. I already have the roast in the oven." She chirps in the happily soothing tone of voice that only two women have ever used on me. Grace and Ana.

"Mother" I answer back, but my voice comes out in a strangled whisper.

"Christian? Oh no, what's wrong? Is it Ana?" She rushes out.

"She left." Is all I can get out. Who knew two little words, seven letters could break a man over and over again? "You know." It's a statement not a question. "You know the reason my wife left." I'm not accusing her, only stating the obvious. I need her help.

"Darling, I'm coming over." I can hear her rushing around and my dad the background asking her what's wrong.

"No. You don't have to come over." I tell her even though at this moment, I would really like to talk with her and my dad.

"I know I don't have to son, but I want to. You are my child no matter your age and I will always come running when I am needed. And honey, I can hear in your voice that I am needed."

"Okay" I agree quietly.

After hanging up with my mother, I go back down stairs, intent on going to my study. I need to send Andrea an email letting her know to clear my schedule for the rest of the week. I'm fucking serious about getting my head right. If I want to have a family with Ana, I need to buckle down and focus, really focus on getting my shit together. I've decided that when I do hear back from Flynn, I am going to ask for sessions everyday. The pain I see in my wife's eyes is enough to make me do whatever necessary to give her what she wants... What we both want. Only one of us is strong enough to reach for the goal of parenthood. That is going to fucking change though.

It would be so easy to just to give in and tell Ana that we can have children without me going through all of this shit, but that would not be fair to her. I'm going to put in the effort and do the work that I need to be the husband Ana deserves, and eventually the father our child deserves. I realize now that I should have done this years ago , but I got comfortable in the way things were. Why rock the boat when everything was perfect by voicing my biggest fears?

As I pass by the kitchen, I hear my name being called. When I turn to look, I see Gail standing at the counter with her notepad and pen.

"Mr. Grey, is Ana around? I would like to go over this weeks menu with her when she gets the chance." She says while taking stock of everything in the refrigerator and taking notes on her paper. I see the news of Ana leaving hasn't made it's way to Gail yet.

"Gail, Ana left and went to her father's for a few days, so it will only be me." I see the sadness in her eyes and quickly look away. "Just make a few dishes that you know I enjoy."

"Yes, Mr Grey. If there is anything else you will need, just let me know."

"Actually my mother and possibly my father will be here shortly. I know that Sunday is one of your off days, but could you please throw together a quick grilled chicken salad for our lunch?"

"Not a problem, Sir." She assures me.

After emailing Andrea, I call Sawyer for an update. I would call Ana, but I am trying to give her the space she needs. I'm sure once Ray finds out what's going on, I will not be his favorite person. And I don't fucking blame him. I hate myself for the shit I'm putting Ana through.

"Mr. Grey?" Sawyer answers.

"Sawyer, is everything okay? How is Mrs. Grey?"

"Everything is fine, Sir. We arrived about thirty minutes ago. Ana is doing fairly well." I still hate that the staff calls my wife by her first name, but Ana put her foot down and refused to acknowledge them if they call her anything other than her first name.

"You say 'fairly well', what the hell does 'fairly well ' mean, Sawyer?" I know I being testy, but I need to know.

"She slept some of the drive here. When we arrived she became a little upset when she saw her father. After that, Mr. Steele showed me to my room, and took Ana to the lake on his property."

"Is that all?" It fucking kills me to know that Ana was upset and I wasn't there to comfort her.

"For now, yes. Mr. Steele asked that I stay at the house while he and Ana took a walk. He said that he wanted a little alone time with his daughter."

"Okay" I don't like the fact that Ana is without security, but they are on Ray's gated property, and I know that Ray would never let anything happen to his daughter. "Call me if I'm needed."

I once again try to call John when I hand up with Sawyer, and once again it goes to voicemail. This time I hang up without leaving a message.

I'm once again lost in thoughts of my wife when I hear the doorbell ring. I know it's probably my mother, so I leave my office to let her in. Gail must have gotten to the door first because as I reach the end of the hall, both my mother and father are rounding the corner. My mom takes one look at me and opens her arms. Without hesitation, I walk to her and let her wrap me in her embrace... Something that I would not have been able to do before Ana.

"Let's go sit in the living room." I say as I lead the way.

"What's going on son?" My dad asks.

"Where do I start?" I blow out a puff of air and run my hands through my hair... a habit that both Elliott and I picked up from our father.

"Take your time and start when you're ready." My mom encourages.

"Ana left. She didn't leave for good, only for a few days." My dad looks shocked, so it's safe to say that my mom didn't mention the reason for rushing over here this morning.

"Left? What happened?" My dad asks, and looks between me and my mom. When he sees understanding on my mom's face, he asks, "You knew? Why haven't you said anything to me?" He looks back to me, "Does this have something to do with the way Ana reacted last night to Elliott's question?"

"Calm down, Cary." My mom pats him hand. "Yes, I knew, but it isn't my story to tell. Ana confided in my last night, and I didn't say anything because this is something that she and Christian need to work out."

My dad is upset because he loves Ana as if she were his own daughter. I know this is hurting my family too because they love both of us.

I tell them everything. How in the beginning of our marriage, I wanted children with Ana. How every year I would put it off.. and how year after year I became more and more scared to be a father.

"How did you do it, dad? How were you able to love me? I know I wasn't the easiest child to raise. I put you both through so much shit. How did you continue to love me?"

"That's just it Christian... I just loved you. You are my son. That's the reason I was able to continue. A parent's love is not conditional. I loved you the second I laid eyes on you. Yes, you had it rough at times growing up, but that's because you have always had a difficult time seeing past your own fears. And that is something that you and only you can fix. I have only seen you once throw caution to the wind. When you met Ana. And look how well that turned out. Are you willing to lose that because of fear?"

"No. Absolutely not!" I tell him without hesitation.

"Christian, everyone has fears. You just have to find a way to fight through them. And becoming parent is a fear that a lot of people have."

"But how do I know I wont fuck up my kid? I'm not you... I'm not Elliott... I'm not Ethan."

'You wont." He tells me sternly. "Am I saying that you wont mess up from time to time? Hell no! I messed up with you kids more than I care to admit. No parent is perfect, Son. But, you don't have to be a perfect person to be a good parent to a child. Are you following me here?"

"Yeah," I answer gruffly. I look over to see that my mom is watching this with tears streaming from her eyes.

"And no, you are not me, or Elliott, or Ethan. But does that mean that you wont be a good parent?" He doesn't wait for my reply before he continues. "Christian, you are loyal, loving and so protective of your loved ones. If you and Ana decided to have a child, I know for a fact that he or she will never want for anything, and may God have mercy on anyone that may try to hurt that child. That, my son, is the kind of person you are, and the kind of father I know you will be. The man your mother and I... Your parents... raised you to be."

"And what if I pass on some defective gene from my birth parents?" I voice another concern.

My dad shakes his head, "It doesn't work that way Christian. Elliott's birthmother was a horrible person, and look at the man your brother is now. Look at how wonderful those two beautiful girls are. Mia's birthmother was a young teenage girl who had lost her way due to neglectful parents. Did that cause Mia to follow in that path? No, because we raised you three to be the amazing people you are today. Don't ever doubt yourself again because of your birthparents."

"Thanks, Dad." I say as I stand to hug him. He doesn't even know what his words do for me. It makes me realize that maybe there is hope to overcome this... That maybe this fear that I have is irrational. Now I wish I would have went to my parents about this long before now.

When I glance back over at my mom, she is smiling through her tears. "I have no doubt that the love you and Ana share will bring you through this." My mom says when I turn to hug her. "Without saying too much, I hope you know that this decision wasn't an easy one for Ana to make."

"I know."

"What now? Is there any more that your father and I can do?"

"Now, I wait for Flynn to return my call so I can get a appointment to see him. I'm going back into therapy." I tell them.

"I think that's a wise idea." My dad responds and my mother nods her head in agreement.

After lunch my parents leave, and I go back to my study to try to do some work. I need a distraction. My mind is reeling and I need something to do before I drive myself crazy.

As I'm replying to an email, my phone pings with a text. My heart rate speeds up when I see that it's from Ana.

Just wanted to tell you that I love you.-A

I love you more, my Ana.-C

That simple text makes me feel a little better. Like the weight that's on my chest is a tad bit lighter.

I've worked for a few hours. Elliott and Mia have both tried to call several times today. Each time I have ignored their calls. It's not that I don't want to talk to them, I just don't feel like having to hash out and go over again all the ways I have fucked up. I know they aren't calling because they know about what happened. My mom and dad would not have said anything. They are probably calling to check on Ana after everything went down last night. That paired with Sunday dinner being canceled, has them wondering. I send them both a text letting them know that everything is fine, I don't feel like talking right now and I will call them in a few days. Hopefully they will understand I just can't right now.


It's close to 8 p.m. when my phone rings and the caller I.D. says it's John calling.

"Grey," I answer.

"Christian, it's good to hear from you. It's been a while I've just received your messages. Is everything okay?"

"No, but they will be. I need to see you." I respond.

"Okay, when will be good time for you? Some time this week?"

"Tomorrow morning wouldn't be soon enough. I need several appointments this week. I have some things I need your help in working through."

"Okay, I will get to the office in the morning a little earlier. Why don't you come in around 7am so I don't have to try and work you in on such short notice." The man is worth every penny he is paid.

"I'll be there." I assure him.

Time to get the ball rolling on getting my shit together. For Ana... For me...for our future children.

At 10, I start up the stairs to go to bed. When I get to the door of our room, I stop... How am I going to be able to sleep in our bed without my wife by my side? There will be no hope of sleep if all I do is lie there and smell her all around me. Yea, her scent will be there, but she wont be. Fuck this shit! I can't! I turn and walk down the hall to one of our guest rooms. I'll sleep here tonight... every night until my Ana comes back to me.

Lying in bed, staring at the beige walls, my mind starts to wonder about what this room would look like painted in soft blues with sailboats and teddy bears decorating the walls... or soft pinks with flowers. Will this be the room Ana chooses for the nursery? Or would she use the guest room that's close to our room? Just with me being able to think these things without panicking is a step in the right direction for us.

I'm exhausted from not sleeping any last night and then the stress of today. I want to call Ana. I said I would give her time, but fuck I miss her. I toss and turn for about an hour before giving up and calling her. I need to at least hear her voice.

"Christian?" I hear her sweet voice and my chest aches to hold her.

"Hey, Beautiful. I just wanted to call and tell you goodnight." Fuck this hurts!

"I wouldn't have went to bed without saying goodnight. I just got out of the shower and was going to call once I got settled in bed."

"Okay. Hey, um... I have an appointment with John in the morning." I tell her. I want her to know that I am doing everything possible to give her the family we deserve.

"That's good, Christian. So good." I hear the pride for me in her voice, and it eases a little more of that weight on my chest to know that she is proud of me for taking this step.

"I also had a long, very helpful talk with my parents today." I pause... "We're going to get trough this Ana." This last sentence is said as a statement, but I need her reassurance.

"Yes, Baby, we are going to be fine. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Good night, Christian. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, my Ana."


I hope y'all enjoyed Christian's POV. I had originally planned to do this story in Ana's POV only, but as the chapters went on, I really felt like Christian needed to speak his peace. For some reason, it was really difficult to write CPOV for this story, so I hope I did him justice and this chapter doesn't suck. :)
We all know that our CG was beautifully flawed, and he is no different in my story. But, like every obstacle in his past, he will get through this too. A lot of y'all thought this Christian was an ass, even my own husband called him a douche after reading my first chapter. lol I hope this chapter gives you a little more insight as to why Christian was acting the way he was/is.

Sorry for any mistakes I wasn't able to catch.