Everywhere Toby turned, he seemed to be surrounded by babies. Fat babies, tiny preemie babies, babies with a mess of hair, and near toddlers with still-bald heads. He felt like he was in a constant trance, the reality just messing with his psyche — after all, how many babies could there really be in Rosewood? Were they all just a figment of his imagination?
Apparently, they weren't — and there were a lot. Toby turned beet red as he realized he had been zoning out staring at a baby with the biggest brown eyes he'd ever seen on a face so small, which had left him wondering if his own child would have eyes that matched, given Spencer's rounded out features. He even momentarily tried to do the math, wondering if his own child could have been born yet if Spencer had carried to term, which he was still trying to convince himself wasn't the case, because otherwise he was a shit dad and had created a human that might be like him — which would be worse than the abandonment itself, even if that would honestly be for the better for everyone involved if he stayed away.
His eyes reverted from the baby, who he now realized was being nursed by her mother, and that his stares seemed now even more inappropriate.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, flustered by the woman's glare. "I wasn't staring at — I mean, I was, but not because you're — my girl—there's a girl having my baby, and I think she's due kinda soon," he explained. "Your daughter just kind of looks like her, that's all," he shoved his hands in his pockets as he stuttered, suddenly wondering why he decided it would be a good idea to talk to this woman instead of letting it be, because he felt like he was digging himself in a hole now and revealing his whole life story to a stranger on a bench in the park. He then realized they were surrounded by Ali's memorial. He could almost hear Alison laughing at him, at his thoughts, and the thought of him and Spencer together and the trail of kisses bringing their bodies together, because none of it made sense. It was only fitting that she'd figuratively be here for arguably one of his lower moments to judge him the way he was already judging himself.
"You're just a child yourself," the woman looked at him sympathetically, a Southern twang unexpectedly erupting from her lips; she must have been from out of town. Suddenly that made him feel a little safer.
"I'm 20," he explained. "But I'd be a shit father anyway, so I'm keeping my distance. I just keep seeing babies everywhere, you know? It's like the universe is trying to make me feel bad….and your baby's been the first one to look like kind of what I imagine my child might look like."
"Do you want to hold her?" The woman pursed her lips as she spoke hesitantly, readjusting her clothing and moving her baby over her shoulder to give her her post-feeding burping.
"I shouldn't," he put his hands up. "I might hurt her."
The woman's face seemed to melt then. He wasn't the typical walk-out father. He was just petrified. She thought maybe if she showed him that it didn't have to be scary, he would go back to his girlfriend and help her raise their child. She had a feeling he probably still loved her, too, and this would do everyone some good and save everyone from a little heartbreak.
She all of a sudden was shoving the baby girl into his arms and stepped back from the bench to make room for him to sit. The baby babbled a bit, clawing the big buttons on his denim jacket. Needless to say, he looked petrified.
When Toby looked down at those big, brown eyes full of future hope and possibility, looking at him like he wasn't a former drug dealing criminal, chain-smoking, marajuana loving, anti-family deviant, but like someone she was trusting enough to literally let him hold her life in his hands without pitching a fit. She simply didn't know better. And instead of putting his mind at ease, it made his fears worse: his child would think he was better than he could be, and would just cause anguish and disappointment and anger when it was realized he would never be that good ol' family man, and worse, when his child realized that they were partly made of the same things that made him.
"Thank you…she's such a good baby," he smiled, still feeling like not letting go of that hopefulness just yet. He was feeling selfish. But he also felt like he needed Spencer more than ever, just to talk this out with her. "I have to go," he handed the girl back over, dialing Spencer as soon as he got to his car, not caring that this conversation was an awful one to have over the phone.
When the ringing stopped, he felt his heart beating in his throat, jackhammering away at his insides as fast as could be. But the voice on the end wasn't so happy to hear from him. In fact, it didn't sound familiar at all.
Spencer came out of her room in a flow, elegant one-piece jumpsuit, a sleek black with black overlaid lace. She pulled her cascading curls from her neck and turned around, holding a white and rose gold statement necklace closed. "Can you please help me?" She turned over her shoulder to look at Toby.
"Uh, oh, uh, yeah" he jumped to his feet, suddenly tongue tied by how grown-up and sophisticated and elegant she looked all done up — something he didn't really ever see in the day to day routine of her baking and mom-ing, and his breath hitched in his throat a second time in a row when she turned around all the way and it was realized that the entire center of the back of the outfit, from where the pants part sat just below her waist all the way up to the nape of her neck, where a small button connected both sides of the top, was cut out exposing bare skin, obvious knowledge that she wasn't wearing a bra, and peeking out of the tattoo he'd remembered she'd had on her side under her breast of lyrics he couldn't quite remember, and another on her back that he'd never seen.
"What, is it too much?" Spencer turned back to face him as she felt the necklace secure shut around her neck, and slipped into her heels. flattening the fabric over her stomach.
"No, uh, you look great." He was flushed. "I've never seen you like this, that's all."
"You look BEAUTIFUL, MOMMY" Aaron climbed to a standing positing on the couch, leaning on Toby's shoulder and grabbing at his mom's arm, attracted to the shiny bracelet and necklace and wanting to touch them.
"Ah ah ah — be careful," Spencer said and sat down on the edge of the couch as she secure her earrings, letting Aaron play gently with her bracelet and turned her arm outward so the translucent skin of her inner arm flashed outwards, along with some more ink. He traced along the "A" on her inner arm and smiled "A for Aaron!" he yelled as he walked across the couch. He loved finding the little hidden letter since he'd learned his alphabet and his Mommy told him all about how it was special just for him.
"I love Momma's pictures," he grinned, his hand now on her back, tracing over a balloon etched in the center of her back, the words "Up we go," in a flowing script font making up the string attached to it.
"Do you have any pictures?" Aaron waddled over to Toby.
"Just one," he said as he stood and lifted his shirt to expose the tattoo on his side.
Aaron glazed over the words "Free at Last" on his hip before moving on. "You should have an 'A' for Aaron" he smirked. "Auntie Hanna has an A for Aaron like Mommy and a T for Tabby," and Uncle Caleb has lots of them all over" he furiously rubbed his arms and legs to demonstrate where Caleb had tattoos — he'd had a friend who was an apprentice at a tattoo parlor and let him practice on him, leaving him with tribal designs and skulls and dragons and American-traditional style roses covering various parts of skin, mostly on his legs where they didn't see the outside much.
Spencer laughed a little and bit her lip, she was proud of her little 'A' tattoo and loved that Aaron was old enough to understand it, now. She'd gotten it when he was very little, barely lifting his own head. He'd meant the world to her from Day 1.
"I'll think about it," Toby ruffled the boy's hair and held out his hands so he wouldn't fall off the couch as he walked across the cushions between his parents.
"When are my pictures gonna come up?" he said examining his arms and lifting up his shirt, as if he was checking for ink.
"What, buddy?" Spencer smiled. "You don't have any tattoos yet, silly," she pulled his shirt down, tickling his tummy a bit as she did.
"Are pictures called tattoos on your skin?" he patted at her arm again.
"Yes, baby."
"When will mine come?" Aaron repeated, shoving his blank arm in her face. "How big will I be before I wake up and see what pictures I got?" He smiled
Toby couldn't help but smile and pull the little boy to his lap. "Has anyone told you today how funny you are, mister?" He teased as he bounced him on his knee.
Spencer couldn't help but smile really widely, because her son was adorable. Most of the adults in his life were tattooed, and so he thought that the ink would just appear one day when you got big, not that you actually went through a process of getting inked.
"They don't just show up, you have to go and get them. They use a special pen to draw on you and it goes buzz buzz buzz," she tickled him coinciding with her onomatopoeic description of the tattoo gun, careful not to use the g-word. "And the picture stays there forever and ever. But you can get them when you're a big boy and graduate high school when you're 18."
"COOL," His eyes widened. "I'm gonna get SIX ROCKET SHIPS AND UFOs AND AN ALIEN and a 'S'"
"Why an 'S'," she laughed at his artwork ideas.
"Because I know your name starts with S. Spencer… Sssssss-ssss-sssspencer" he sounded out.
"But you call my Mommy," she reminded him. "Ma-ma-ma-Mommy. With an 'M.'" Her heart fluttered when he said that, she basked in the way he idolized her as his Mommy. Sure, she was the only parent he knew, but it still felt good to feel she was doing something right. He was so adoring of her, always affectionate and silly together and she couldn't ask for anything different.
"Not when I'm big big big like Toby and Caleb" he raised his arms to show how big they were.
"Even when you're as big as a giant," she reminded him and kissed his head. "You'll always be my baby boy," she smothered him with kisses as Toby held him and he kicked around.
Spencer pulled away and grabbed her purse as her phone buzzed. "Alright, time to go," she stood and opened the door just as John was about the knock.
"Perfect timing," she smiled.
"Are you ready?" He stepped inside and gave some intense side-eye to Toby.
"Yeah," she looked down at herself and spun around. "What do you think?" She was feeling particularly attractive tonight. It wasn't often she got to dress up.
"Are you sure that's appropriate…with that thing showing on your back…and so much skin? I just think some things are better off if they're saved just for, you know, us," he seemed to whisper, almost more upset that Toby had been here to see her in this before he'd come over rather than the fact she was going to wear this to a formal dinner with his colleagues.
"Dude, show her off," Toby butted in. "Are you really complaining that your girlfriend looks too sexy? Because I mean, I'd be happy to take the problem off your hands for you," Toby slyly smirked, earning a raised eyebrow and reddened cheeks from Spencer.
"Enough, if we don't leave now we're going to be late," Spencer grabbed her cardigan off the back of a kitchen chair and draped it over her arm with purse.
"Hanna's going to stop by to pick up some desserts I left in the fridge in the bakery boxes," she warned. "But you two can eat the extra cannolis in the purple tupperware on the bottom shelf," she smiled as she ran out the door with John.
Hanna knocked on the door, gasping a little bit as Toby opened the door.
"Uhm, I'm looking for Spencer…" She said hastily, confused by the fact that this guy had opened her door.
"The cannolis, right?" He went to the fridge and took out the neatly tied bakery box.
"Where's Spencer? What are you doing here?" She said kind of nastily.
"She's at John's work dinner…I'm watching Aaron."
"She should have asked Caleb and I" she grabbed the box from him.
"Well I think she wants him and I to start spending more time together, so we have been, and we're all really enjoying it." He defended.
Hanna readjusted. "I really don't like you," she stayed fixed on his eyes, trying to intimidate him.
"I gathered," he leaned on the counter. "But I don't really think that's fair. You hav—"
"And neither is what you did to her." She interrupted. "And him." She nodded towards the toddler asleep on the couch with his dog. "It's not fair you get a fresh start. No one else does." She let herself out, leaving him feeling like a helpless teenager again.
"DON'T call this number again." Hanna hissed into the phone.
"Spencer?" Toby tried to make out the voice he didn't quite recognize.
"No, go fuck yourself, leave her alone, you've done enough damage. The least you can do is leave it alone now before you make it worse." Hanna growled into the phone.
"I just—"
"Fuck off, Toby."
Toby sucked in a breath as the phone clicked off. Everyone seemed to agree on one thing: all he could do at this point was fuck everything up more for Spencer, and potentially his unborn child, if that child was even still a thing. He had so many questions. But he was too scared to do any deeper digging.
Spencer waddled back from the bathroom and plopped back down onto the couch, holding her protruding baby bump as she sat. She was nearly 8 months along and felt bigger than a beached whale.
"I think I have to pee again," Spencer frowned, just having sat back down. "This baby thinks my bladder is a squeeze toy," She pouted through a chuckle.
Hanna tried to look sympathetic, but was still shaken up from the phone call she'd taken on her best friend's phone, and since deleted her call history guiltily. She knew it was for the best. It's not like he was trying to help her out. And besides, she and Caleb and her mom and Ted had that covered — they would help her much more than he ever could, without half the heartbreak. Right? She knew Spencer would never admit it, but she saw the heartbreak in Spencer despite her apparent excitement over this child. She may not have ever dated Toby Cavanaugh, but it was clear that without him holding her hand through this the way she'd seemed to have imagined at some brief moment in time had shattered her heart and continued to do so every time she faced the prospect of holding this baby alone. She had loved him in some sort of way, even if she didn't really know it.
"Han…you okay?" Spencer shifted in her seat, trying to get comfortable.
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," she swallowed. "Do you want me to make you some tea? I think i'm going to make tea." She jumped up.
"I'll definitely pee again, then," she frowned. "But if you're on your way to the kitchen and want to bring me back some of those M&Ms on the counter…" she smiled.
Hanna nodded and made her way to the kitchen, leaning against the countertop and closing her eyes tight as a few tears streamed down. If she was doing the right thing, why did she feel so awful?
When she came back, she balanced a small owl of candy on Spencer's armrest and leaned down to kiss her head and then crouched down and put her hands on Spencer's growing belly.
"You better be good to your Mom…she's an amazing person," she cooed, feeling Spencer's stomach rumble with the furious kicking of the baby inside.
Spencer arched her back and held onto her stomach, laughing. "Oh my goodness, baby loves your voice, Han. Every time you do that the baby goes nuts," she smiled gently and looked up at her best friend.
"Hey… you're amazing for what you're doing for us; we both love you," she felt like something was up with Hanna the way she was mushing towards her baby bump and acting kind of weird. She hoped this didn't have to do with her constantly being in her way due to the fact she'd moved in, but she wanted her to know just how grateful she was to have this support system. Even if all she did when she was alone was silently try to get her phone to ring and have it be Toby to tell her she wouldn't be alone anymore. Hanna did more than enough to try and prove to Spencer that she didn't need Toby to not be alone. And Spencer had to accept that that made her lucky enough.
Spencer gingerly unlocked the door, trying to be as quiet as possible, knowing it was late and entirely possible that the boys were both asleep.
When she opened the door, the TV was on and Toby and Aaron were both wide awake, Aaron driving his toy cars up and down Toby's legs.
"What are you doing up, it's past your bedtime!" She said as Aaron rain over to her, nearly knocking her over as John stood behind her at the counter awkwardly.
"I was sleeping but then I had a bad dream and I said 'Please Toby, please let me wait for Momma because she is the BEST monster scarer'" He simulated a begging voice and pleading hands, a hint of a smirk behind his words.
"Okay, go inside and Mommy will be right there to do the scaring," she put him down and tapped his butt as he ran off to encourage him to move it.
She laughed and kissed John's cheek. "There's towels in the bathroom already if you still wanted to shower," She reminded John. "I'll be in bed by the time you're done," she smiled.
"Yeah, alright," he nodded and disappeared into the bathroom.
"How was it?" Toby said, standing as he placed a few toys into the toy bin off the floor and couch.
"Pretty boring, actually, but the food was really good," Spencer said stepping out of her heels and melting onto the couch to rub her aching arches.
"Was Mr. Ass any better the rest of the night or…?"
"Hey, don't do that," she raised an eyebrow. "Don't be grumpy."
"I just don't see how he could cause so much trouble and be so shitty to you in the beginning of the evening and you still brought him home with you afterwards…"
"Hey!" She raised her voice at him, standing. "You definitely don't get to do that…you don't have any right." she swallowed hard, feeling like she might even agree with him but even so, who did he think he was?
"All I'm saying is you could do better," He was aggravated.
"I think what you're saying is that you'd rather if I was doing you." She was growing more agitated than he was.
"I didn't—" He started to put up a fight. That made him angrier - mostly because she wasn't wrong.
"It's late, you should probably go," Spencer walked over to the door and opened it to let him out.
Toby grouchily grabbed his things and headed out the door. Spencer started to soften as she turned back to see Aaron standing in the doorway of his room hesitantly, waiting for her to come tuck him in away from the goblins living in his closet.
"Hey, thanks again for tonight," She said as apologetically as she could muster through her annoyance at his perceived judgement.
"Yeah, yeah," he said as he got onto the elevator.
