Chapter 5: When does it end?
I don't think I've ever been this cold. It was nearing the end of October, a week before Halloween. The water frigid, the rough waves pulling me around like a ragdoll. I tried to kick to the surface but a wave swallowed me whole. I couldn't tell which way was up. I had lost sight of my sister in the murky water. I was so cold. My lungs were burning for oxygen, I was light headed. One of my irrational fears was always drowning; I didn't know how to swim. Every nightmare I had was coming true. I could feel myself losing consciousness.
"You don't get to die Abby; you don't get to die before we've even started. If you die, I die. Do you hear me?" There were warm hands pressing on my chest, I felt like they were slowly thawing me out from the outside in. I could feel water start making its way up my throat and I leaned over as I coughed up pints of salt water. My throat burned and my eyes felt raw. I blinked several times to focus in on Jacob Black's worried face.
He had carried me back to his house and started a fire in the fireplace in the living room. Embry brought Bella in two heartbeats later. She was awake and blue, her teeth were chattering and she looked worse for wear. I'm sure I looked no better. Jacob sat me on the couch and cuddled me close. "Are you okay?" He muttered against my hair. I nodded mutely. I was freezing but his insanely high body temperature was slowly thawing me out. I looked over at my sister, wrapped in a thick afghan in front of the fire. "What were you thinking? We could have been killed." My voice was cracked and hoarse. Bella narrowed her eyes at me, "I wanted to feel something Lynn. I wanted to feel something other than this awful pain and loneliness that I've been living with for months. I'm dead inside. I thought maybe if I saw him one more time I could let go, I could feel better." Her voice was full of repressed anger and sadness.
I struggled against Jacob's iron grip and glared at my sister, "Okay that doesn't explain why you dragged me down with you!" I tried to yell but my voice gave out. Jacob's grip left me completely and he jumped up faster than I thought possible.
"She did what?" Jacob was enraged. His voice was tight but extremely loud. He was shaking all over. He clinched and unclenched his fists repeatedly. "What the fuck were you thinking Bella?" If you die, I die. The words bounced around in my head, Jacob's words. He said if I died, he'd die. What did that mean? He loved my sister, in a creepy obsessive kind of way. But I wasn't judging. I gripped one of Jacob's hot trembling hands in both of mine, "Jake calm down, please." It was the first time I'd called him Jake, he took notice because his shaking stopped and he smiled down softly at me. He pulled me up and into his side; he kissed my forehead and sniffed my hair. "You smell like cucumbers, mint, coconut, and salt water." He snorted and kissed my forehead.
Bella looked at us a hard look crossing her face, "Oh not you too Jacob, every guy around here seems to be falling at Abby-Lynn's feet. You have no idea what it's like to lose something that means the world to you." She accused and skewered me with her eyes.
Jacob growled at her but I just walked up to stand nose to nose with my sister, someone I was starting to not even recognize. "I don't know what it's like to give up something that means the world to me? I gave up dance; I gave up something that I loved more than anything. I gave it up, willingly, for you. Because needed me. Ballet was the one thing that made breathing easier, the one thing that made being away from home worth it. I worked my ass off to get into that school. Hours upon hours in the library studying and practically living in the studio to perfect my audition piece. It was my life and I was going to make it my career. I had a shot at being accepted into the ballet trainee program at Joffrey's school of Ballet. It is the most competitive program out there that would put me on the fast track to being accepted into a professional company. My ultimate dream Isabella! Now I have to change my whole life's plan. Don't you dare say I don't know what it's like to give anything up." I was practically steaming with anger.
"It's not the same thing!" She screamed. "Like hell it isn't!" I yelled back. We were both head to head and glaring at each other. I'd never fought with my sister before and here I was, screaming at her with vigor. Maybe I didn't recognize myself anymore either.
"I wanted you to feel a quarter of the pain I feel right now, maybe then you'd understand me." She lowered her voice.
I shook my head, "I don't. I don't understand you; I don't understand how you could pick a boy over me. I'm your sister, your blood, and you chose a hallucination of the boy who left you over my safety. What kind of person does that? I'm your sister, doesn't that mean anything?" Everything was falling apart. She didn't say anything and looked over at Jacob, "I want to go home, take me home Jake." Jake looked frustrated and ran his hand through his hair, "I can't leave Abby Bella."
"Her or me Jacob. You can't have us both." She crossed her arms. I raised my eyebrows, when did I become an ultimatum? I'm 99% sure I didn't sign up for that.
"Are you seriously making me chose between you and your sister? Don't make me choice Bella, because it'll be her. It will always be her." Jacob answered honestly. It shocked me, but my sister never did give up easily.
"Then look me in the eye and tell me that you don't want me. Look me in the eye and tell me that you love her instead of me." Bella smirked. I looked back and forth between my sister whom I loved dearly but was starting to resent, and the boy who confused the hell out of me but also made me feel safe and warm.
"I can't do that, let's just go. I'll take you home Bella but that doesn't change anything." He kissed my head one last time. He grabbed Bella's keys and led her outside. It might not change anything to him; he might still believe that he'd choose me. But as far as I'm concerned he already made his choice. When he left with my sister, he'd chosen her. I wasn't sure I could come back from that. Because even if I couldn't sort out my feelings for Jacob Black, watching him walk out the door with my sister made my insides break into pieces.
Author's Note: Short chapter I know! I'm sorry. But next chapter is Bella running off to Italy and the Cullen's coming back so look out for the next chapter. xoxo Lottie
