Chapter 4

"Um…yes…is Ms. Berry at home?" Quinn cautiously inquired.

"Yes, she is," Rebecca replied with a supercilious air. "And you would be…"

"I'm Quinn Fabray and this is Sam Evans," Quin replied, Sam nodding in greeting at the mention of his name. "Ms. Berry is expecting us."

"I am Ms. Berry's assistant," she introduced herself, continuing, "Mr. Puckerman arrived earlier and mentioned that you'd be arriving. Come," she gestured, "I'll take you to him. Ms. Berry will join you shortly."

Leaving their luggage in the foyer, Rebecca led them to a sun-filled room that was dominated by a baby grand piano. There was seating in the form of a sofa and several chairs, and against one wall was a display case featuring Rachel's awards and recognitions for her work. Noah was currently seated at the piano, softly playing an unrecognizable melody. Sensing their presence, he ceased his activity and stood up, facing his sister and the "Spy TV" employees. "I see ya' got here OK," he noted.

"Yes, there's something to be said for a GPS…" Quinn alluded with a hesitant smile.

"Ms. Berry will be down in a few minutes," Rebecca unemotionally reminded them. "May I get iced tea for everyone?"

Stifling a smile, with as straight a face as he could muster, Noah replied, "Thank you, Rebecca. I'm sure that will be fine…" He glanced at Quinn and Sam, who nodded wordlessly in agreement, and Rebecca turned abruptly and exited the room.

"Boy, she's all business," Sam commented once Rebecca was out of earshot.

"Yeah…business…" Noah agreed, thinking "More like she's giving you the business…"

As if on cue, Rachel entered the room. She was dressed in a dramatic red lounging robe that fastened at the neck and tied at the waist, its hem nearly touching the floor and almost giving her the appearance of floating as she gracefully moved toward her guests.

"Welcome to my humble home," she greeted them with dulcet tones. Standing in front of Quinn, she probed, "And you are?"

Noah interjected, "Rachel this is Quinn Fabray; Quinn, Rachel Berry." Quinn outstretched her hand to exchange a proper handshake, but Rachel merely took her hand by the first joint of their fingers, smiled, and commented, "Charming; simply charming. You're a pretty one, Ms. Fabray. Have you ever considered acting?"

"Well, I…" Quinn began, but was immediately interrupted by Rachel, whose attention suddenly switched to Sam.

"And you, you handsome devil; what's your name?" she practically purred.

Noah had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. "Rachel, this is Sam Evans; Sam, Rachel Berry."

"A pleasure, Ms. Berry," Sam stated, mesmerized.

"Oh…please call me Rachel, Mr. Evans," she flirted.

"OK, Rachel," Sam agreed, "If you call me Sam."

"But, of course," Rachel approved, smiling seductively.

"Now, Rachel…" Quinn started to discuss the terms of the agreement when she was stopped abruptly by Rachel.

"Excuse me, did I give you permission to call me Rachel?" she challenged, her voice suddenly icy.

"Well, I assumed…" Quin hesitantly replied.

"Oh, well…do you know what they say about 'assume', Ms. Fabray?" Rachel posed.

Quin shook her head, saying nothing.

Rachel smiled ever so slightly as she explained, "Well, my dear, 'assume' makes an ass of you and me…and quite frankly, nobody makes an ass of Rachel Berry. Do I make myself clear, Ms. Fabray?"

"Crystal, Ms. Berry," Quinn answered meekly.

"Good," Rachel ended the conversational topic just as Rebecca entered with a tray of iced tea already poured into individual glasses. She let Rachel select first and was in process of serving the others when Rachel called out in an angry voice, "Rebecca!"

"Yes, Ms. Berry," Rebecca emotionlessly replied.

"Rebecca, dear…how many ice cubes do I like in my iced tea?" Rachel queried.

"Um…four, Ms. Berry?" Rebecca timidly answered.

"Correct," Rachel affirmed. "And how many ice cubes does this drink contain?" she angrily inquired.

Rebecca placed the tray down, walked over to Rachel and counted the ice cubes, answering, "Um…five?"

"Correct again, Rebecca; there are five ice cubes, not four," Rachel coldly agreed. "Now…" she practically shoved the glass into the girl's face, commanding "Bring me another glass, post haste, with…how many ice cubes?"

"Four, Ms. Berry," Rebecca dejectedly replied.

"Yes, and make it snappy. Time is money, you know," Rachel demanded.

Rebecca scurried out of the room, ostensibly to procure a more acceptable beverage. Rachel turned to face her company, noting their expressions: Quinn appeared aghast, Sam, confused, and Noah looked like he was struggling to keep it together and retain a neutral expression.

"It's so hard to find good help these days," Rachel confided to no one in particular. She regally settled herself on the sofa, inviting, "Please, everyone sit down." She patted the sofa near her, offering, "You may sit here, Sam." She nodded to the nearest chair and requested, "Ms. Fabray, please take this chair." While Quinn approached the chair, Rachel looked at Noah and dryly added, "Noah, sit…wherever…" as she gestured toward the seating.

Rather than join the others, Noah opted to remain standing, moving back just a bit to make his presence less intrusive (as well as giving him an unobstructed view to what was rapidly becoming one of Rachel's more entertaining performances).

Rebecca reentered the room and hastily handed a glass of iced tea to Rachel, who proceeded to count the ice cubes. Satisfied that there were the appropriate amount, she smiled and acknowledged, "Thank you, Rebecca."

"You're welcome, Ms. Berry," Rebecca politely (and relatively emotionlessly) replied, resuming her serving duties and, once everyone had a glass, walking to the piano and perching gingerly on the bench, facing toward the others.

"Now, Ms. Fabray, you were saying…" Rachel prompted, initiating the conversation.

"Ms. Berry, if I may get some background information; how did you meet…" Quinn was again cut off mid-sentence.

"So, tell me, my dear, how did you ever get into your profession?" Rachel inquired.

"Well, I received my journalism degree from USC, and…" Quinn trailed off as Rachel nodded her head in an interested manner.

"Oh, do go on, Ms. Fabray," Rachel prodded, "USC, you say? I've heard it has a lovely campus..."

"Well..." Quinn started up again before stopping abruptly, asking, "Say, who's interviewing who, anyway?"

"Why, you are interviewing me, of course, Ms. Fabray. Now, you were saying…" Rachel prompted Quinn yet again.

Before Quinn could utter another word, Rachel, looking directly at Sam, proposing, "Would you like me to sing for you?"

"Yeah; that would be awesome, Ms. Berry," Sam answered.

"Rachel…" she teased.

"Sorry, Rachel," Sam corrected, adding, "It would be great to hear you sing, Rachel."

(Knowing that Rachel always liked to document her performances, coupled with his suspicion that this would be worth capturing, Noah raised his cellphone and began recording.) "Well," Rachel replied, "then it will be my pleasure to oblige. Rebecca," she nodded to the young woman, "would you please accompany me?"

Rebecca turned around to face the piano. She moved the bench closer and lifted the cover to expose the keys. Rachel stood up and walked over to the piano. Rebecca played a glissando and launched into a few bars of the overture from "Wicked", and then transitioned to the introduction to "Defying Gravity". Before Rachel launched into the expected piece, the melody changed abruptly, and Rachel sang, instead:

"Oh…Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
She has eyes that folks adore so,
and a torso even more so.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclo-pidia;
Lydia, The Queen of Tattoo.
On her back is The Battle of Waterloo,
Beside it, the Wreck of the Hesperus, too.
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue…
You can learn a lot from Lydia!"

"La-la-la...la-la-la.
La-la-la...la-la-la.
La! La!
"

Upon the final "La! La!", Rachel opened her robe and let it fall to the ground, pooling at her feet. Aside from a barely-there red bikini that showed off her lithe figure, she was apparently covered in tattoos from her chest to her ankles.

"What do you think?" she naively inquired, arms gently outstretched as she did a slow, complete turn, displaying her body art.

Sam's eyes popped open, and he muttered "Whoa…", a lopsided grin plastered on his face.

Noticing the other man's obvious interest, Noah ceased filming and exclaimed, "Rachel, what the Hell! Please…get dressed…"

"Spoken like a jealous husband…" Quin thought, mentally filing her observation for the time being.

Smiling smugly, Rachel obliged, picking up her robe and tying it at the waist, leaving the top button undone.

"Ms. Berry," Quinn sputtered, "I'm sorry…I…I don't understand…"

"Well, Ms. Fabray, since you have insisted on turning my special day into a circus, I thought the least I could do was oblige. If you'd like, I can rent an elephant for the ceremony…there's still time…" Rachel paused, looking expectantly at an obviously flustered Quinn Fabray.

"Look, Ms. Berry…" Quin started to speak

Without artifice, Rachel interjected, "Rachel will be fine, thanks," rescinding her original request.

"Rachel, then," Quinn corrected herself. "Anyway, I'm truly sorry. We're just doing our job here, and we'll try to make it an enjoyable experience."

"Enjoyable?" Rachel pondered. "How can I enjoy my wedding knowing full well it's going to be dissected on national television?"

"Well, then, we'll make it as painless as possible," Quinn corrected herself. "Now," she paused briefly, reaching into her large handbag and withdrawing a manila envelope, then continued, "I have a release for you to sign so we can get started."

"I never sign anything without my attorney present," Rachel confirmed. "Santana," she called out, "can you come in, please?"


Author's Note: "Lydia, the Tattooed Lady" was written in 1939 by the songwriting team of Harold Arlen and E.Y. "Yip" Harburg, who also gave us that timeless classic "Over the Rainbow", which debuted the same year. The song was first performed in the 1939 film "At the Circus" by the one…the only…Groucho Marx. It is probably his second-most associated song (after "Hooray for Captain Spaulding"…who is also mentioned in this, as apparently "Lydia" has a tattoo of "Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon").

In "The Philadelphia Story", "Dinah Lord" sings this (first) verse of the song, presumably to shock the people from "Spy Magazine", so consider this an homage to that famous scene in the movie. It's available on YouTube, if you're interested…