Chapter 8

Zim Does Something Useful and Pays the Consequences

Zim was really glad he took the time to learn how to ride horses. The last time he was in the Old West he was absolutely terrible at it, but now he was practically a master. In fact he kind of liked being a horse driver. Now he sat on the buckboard of a wagon, lashing the horses forward with the crated time machine and a couple of workmen in the back.

He approached the part of town where his other self would soon be hanging around, waiting for Mad Dog DD to arrive. He had to be careful to avoid himself, but he was pretty sure everything was going to be good. All he had to do was arrive before his other self did. The thought made his head hurt, and he missed the days when there was only one other Zim he had to deal with.

He reached his destination about an hour early, and he examined the street where the Terminator had arrived. It was difficult to locate the exact pinpoint where this had happened. Since it hadn't happened yet, the scorch marks hadn't yet been made in the road. Still he had a fairly good idea, so he marked the dirt with the toe of his boot.

"Okay, guys," he said. "This is the place. Put it down here." He pointed to the indentation.

Two workmen climbed out of the back of the wagon, and they gingerly lowered the crate to the ground. From there they pushed it to where Zim wanted it, and with the use of crowbars they opened up the package. The time machine was on display for everyone else.

"Jesus," one of the workers said. "That's a fucked up lookin' thing."

"What is it?" the other asked.

"It's a . . . a thing," Zim said.

"Fucked up lookin' thing."

Zim handed them their money. "Yeah, thanks guys. If I need you I'll find you."

The workers got back into the wagon and rode off, leaving Zim and the time machine in the middle of the street. Granted, it wasn't a big street, nor was it busy, but he felt it was still a bit brazen. He hoped the other Zim wouldn't think too much of it.

Speaking of which, Zim rushed away to hide, just in case. He didn't want to do that pair of cocks thing he'd heard about. He found what looked like an abandoned barn (although he knew it was on the property of a house that was clearly occupied), so he snuck in and found a good vantage pointing the loft. He perched up there, watching the time machine below.

He waited, and sure enough—right on time—his past self came sneaking up the street. Other Past Zim paused at the time machine, scratching his head, and Zim remembered how confused he'd been at the time. It was weird to suddenly have a memory that he hadn't had before.

Zim checked his watch. It was almost time. His hands curled into fists without him realizing it. The one drawback to this was that he was going to be able to see himself acting like a pussy. He didn't think he was ready for something as mind-blowing as that.

The air started to crackle down by the time machine, and a bubble started forming. Zim's heart sped up, and he hoped Future Zim's plan would work. If this failed he didn't want to see what it would do to his future self, or how many limbs it would cost him.

The bubble grew larger, and there was a pop as the displaced air was suddenly full. The sphere split open, and the Terminator arrived . . . but not in the way it probably expected.

Zim gave a shout of triumph as he watched the Terminator struggle with suddenly becoming part of the time machine. The two melded together, and the machine shook as the Machine tried to break free. "Aouaough!" the Terminator cried.

There was another pop as a parallel universe imploded, and Zim found himself standing in the street next to the Terminator Time Machine, where Other Past Zim had been standing moments ago. The sudden transportation rattled Zim's guts, but he had taken care to not eat today. There would be no more puking for Mama Zim's son.

"Dude. What the hell is that?"

Zim turned to see Mad Dog DD staring in awe at the display before him, pointing. "That? It's nothing, really. Check it out." Zim leaned forward and pressed the knob up. The Terminator roared, trying to reach its head out enough to bite Zim's hand. It was to no avail. The time machine vanished into the future, and it brought the Terminator with it.

"Dude. That's hardcore."

"Yeah," Zim said. "Hey, stick around for a little bit, would you?"

"Like, why?"

"I don't know. Let's get a beer."

"I . . . uh, don't have a lot of cash."

"I'm a millionaire," Zim said. "I'm buying."

"Well, since you put it that way . . ."

Later, as Zim sat with DD, drinking in the Lady Gaye, he came to the conclusion that defeating the Terminator hadn't really helped him out. Now he was stuck in the past with no possibility of getting back home. Even worse, he was stuck with DD, who had just decided that Zim was his bestest friend in the whole wide world. Sure, Zim was a rich man in the Old West, but they didn't have proper toilets, air conditioning was still seventy years in the future and the beds were uncomfortable. Also, the Old West smelled like shit. Literally.

"We should, like, hang out," DD said.

"That's what we're doing now."

"But, like, I have a barber shop quartet. You should check us out."

Zim looked at his pocket watch. By now Past Zim had probably passed up the point where he would have killed DD. Just to be safe Zim ordered another beer. As he thought about what was going on he wondered if maybe Future Zim gained control of time and space for a reason: out of necessity. Future Zim had to have been stuck in the past, after all. Maybe he evolved and gained the ability to time travel.

He squinted his eyes shut and concentrated with all of his might, so much so that his body started to shake. Then he opened his eyes and noticed that he was still in the same place. "This sucks."

"Yeah. You wanna go to the Longbranch?" DD asked. "They have better scenery, if you know what I'm saying."

Zim sighed. He didn't want to run into any familiar faces, so he declined. Zim sighed again. He sighed a third time, and this one was so tremendous that everyone in the room looked at him.

Could he really be stuck in the past like this? With DD?! He had saved the world by saving the mad dog, he was certain of it. And this was the thanks he got?

"I really, really hate the world. I should have never moved in with Fitz. I should have never played with that stupid flask thing. I hate everything."

"Hey, it's not all bad," DD said. "We have beer, and we have each other. Good times."

Zim fought the urge to scream for eternity. Instead he sighed a fourth time and resigned himself to his fate.